Does a Wife know when her husband is cheating?

[StillHurtin]

When my dh had his affair w/ a co-worker I had some feelings what was going on. Every month I check my cell bill to make sure everything was correct, ect. I noticed a phone number on bill. I didn't reconize the # but something told me something wasn't right. I looked up the # on the net but it said it wasn't found. I asked him who's phone # it was. He told me the truth. He told me it was the OW (b4 the A). I asked him WTH he was calling her. He told me she let him borrow a music CD and he wanted to call her and let her know he was going to burn it and give it back to her at work b/c I was pi$$ed he borrowed it from her (he knew I couldn't stand this woman). I was pi$$ed! I was pi$$ed b/c this OW was after dh from the day he started working w/ her (long story, I wont get into it). Anyhow, a month after that incident dh filed for a D. Said he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, and he wanted to set me free to find a good man. All along him and the OW were having an emotional affair that eventually turned into a sexual one after I kicked him out. I heard from several friends who either worked w/ them, or had H's that worked w/ him. He of course denied it. He lied for a few months and then he finally came out and told me the truth when our children and I moved away. He claims he had the A b/c she made him feel good about himself, paid attention to him, ect. Instead of talking to me about our marriage problems he ran to another woman and she was there to comfort him. I knew he was having an A even if he and the OW continued to lie to me about it. I am not stupid.

[veronese]

Although my husband's affairs were emotional relationships with an element of flirtatiousness and mutual attraction, I had absolutely no idea that he was deceiving me.... with one for 11 years, the second for three years, and the third for 14 months.

 

He met them for long lunches, spoke regularly on the phone, but never encroached on our family time

(i.e. evenings and weekends)

 

I only discovered his secret when I decided to do some very sporadic checks on his cell phone. Six checks in 12 months brought a suspicious number to light but right up until he told me about the first one I still didn't truly think he had 'girlfriends'. For 16 years I had never been tempted to start checking up on him, my concept of marriage didn't include distrust, but when friends of mine discovered their husbands' infidelities without ever suspecting them capable, I realised that if they could be so shocked by the betrayal, surely I couldn't be so confident that I was any different?

 

The thing is, when a woman loves her husband as much as I loved mine, unless anything happens to give us concern, our marriages are based on trust, love and loyalty. I am not the type of person who envisaged a marriage full of doubt or suspicion. Consequently, if our husbands decide to play the field we don't necessarily find out quickly because whatever they tell us seems feasible (within reason of course). My husband came home each evening, rarely went out socialising, was a great father, husband, friend.

 

Of course we went through periods when we didn't seem to be in tune with one another, but nothing more than the inevitable niggles you get after 17 years and two kids.

 

Our sex life was regular (waned a bit after childbirth I admit, but picked up again quickly), and as the children grew our passion and desire seemed to grow too. We both enjoyed each other totally and love making has always been natural, tender and exciting.

 

I think it depends on the depth and intensity of the affair, whether it be sexual, emotional, long term, serious etc. but also on how accomplished a liar the husband is! In my opinion the more they get away with stuff behind their wive's backs, the more daring and careless they become as time goes on. During the last year or two my husband did become more detached, a little critical and generally less attentive and caring, but the stresses of life were understandable reasons for his moods so as a doting, adoring, trusting (stupid) wife I assumed it was normal in a marriage.

 

Some of my friends are married to players when the evidence has been right in their face, but so long as their men deny every accusation the wives choose to believe them, the alternative can be too horrendous to contemplate. Without hard evidence they prefer to believe what they are told by their men. The only thing that will convince them without a confession from the husband would be catching them having sex with another woman, anything else could be lied away.

 

I've noticed too that my friends who have been cheated on had been enjoying a satisfactory sex life with their husbands throughout the duration of the affair. But other friends who date married men tell me the same old story - that the married men they are seeing either have complaints about their sex lives with their wives, or don't have a sex life with them at all. My cousin discovered her husband (of 25 years) was a compulsive lying, cheating, whoring wanker who she had always thought was perfect. They are now divorced but she heard through the grapevine that he was telling everyone they hadn't had sex for the final two years of their marriage, thus gaining the sympathy and understanding of their friends and family who thought his infidelity more understandable if his wife was frigid. It really hurt her when she heard this rumour because their love life had continued fully until the night before she found out.

 

I'm not completely foolish but until the moment I found my husband out, I had absolutely no idea he was capable of such deceit and dishonesty. Some cheaters are so obviously cheating it's practically stamped across their foreheads, but the really, really good ones go under cover, in disguise, and perform so convincingly you'd never suspect a thing.

 

Hope some of this has helped you....

[Shirazca]

You are an amazing women, and really well spoken. Yes..... This has been the best answer yet. Explains a lot. Answers a lot

 

Thank you for your time and honesty

 

Originally posted by veronese

Although my husband's affairs were emotional relationships with an element of flirtatiousness and mutual attraction, I had absolutely no idea that he was deceiving me.... with one for 11 years, the second for three years, and the third for 14 months.

[veronese]

you're very welcome.

 

My husband's 'friends' all knew about me, were aware that he wasn't planning on leaving me and had no plans to leave me. He compartmentalised his life, I was deliriously in love with him so he didn't think these relationships posed a problem.

 

But men who can lie with such ease and without conscience to their wives, will also surely be lying to their girlfriends too?

 

I've been through the worst 8 months of my life Shiraz, but that said, I am closer to my H now and know him so much better than before. We're still working at it but my faith in him has gone. He is only human after all! But I've learned lots about my weaknesses as well as his. When I've got more time I'll fill you in if you like.

 

Married men involved in extra marital relationships immediately expose themselves for what they are........ men who have fragile egos and an abundance of arrogance. My husband didn't imagine the day when I would find out (he'd been getting away with it for so long), but when I did the harsh reality of what was at stake hit him in the face. To lose his home, his family, his life, everything, for women he had no intentions of committing to was a wake up call.

 

In some ways I'm glad all this has happened. I'm a lot wiser now, not so bloody naive, and have left my 'sound of music/waltons' mentality in the past. Real life isn't so straightforward is it?

 

Hope you're ok.

[Soon2bsngl]

I beleive a woman has a sick sixth sense about these things. I suspected for quite sometime and kept it to myself and went out one night with my husband and saw him talking to her and knew INSTANTLY that was her. And I was right. I still kept my mouth shut until I had hard core proof but I will never forget that night as long as I live.

[sylviaguardian]

I agree with Veronese that if your relationship is based on trust, it takes a long time to sink in. I had an ex-boyfriend who I had a vague idea had cheated on me a couple of times. nothing concrete but woman's intuition. I went through his pockets every single time I was alone.

 

When I met my H I was glad that was behind me. He had female friends who he went out with alone and it was not a problem. Maybe about a year ago I started to have a feeling that something was not right. I can't put my finger on it, it was just women's intuition. At times I wondered if something was going on, but again my husband was around at weekends and evenings, nothing had changed.

 

In July I opened a text on his phone (Don't ask me why, again I just did it) to find a message from the other woman. It was not a sexy or flirtatious message but somewhere in the background I heard my world crashing around me and everthing just fitted into place.

 

I suppose the answer is that to break up a family evidence is required. Uneasy feelings will be subverted until something bigger comes along.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Sylvia

[Bella Mia]

My XH started showing tell tale signs that he was having an affair. He started being concerned with his appearance and joined a gym, bought new underwear, started whitening his teeth, running "errands" that were unlike his normal behaviour,started having his cell phone bill sent to his parents house, became less interested in me sexually, was not apparently concerned with the sudden hang up calls that would be coming to our home phone, and wondered why I was. To name a few. There are always signs.