He had two women . . .

[thecharade]

and I had nobody.

 

That's how it felt, that's how it always felt. But why?

 

When I ended things, he called me the strong one and said he "knew I'd leave him." He acted as if our feelings in the A were the same because our situations were the same, but they weren't. He acted like "risking injury to his wife and family" PROVED his love, and my ending things proved that I didn't love him enough to tough out the difficulties. Crazy, right? But this was all implied, conveyed as much in what he didn't say as what he did.

 

But typically (not always) this is the case. An A allows a man to have two total women! Whole! (My exAP seemed to be able to forget about my H since I was only a side dish.) He felt like the king of the world. But me? I was distant from my H and never really "with" (fully) my AP, so I felt alone. I had no one.

 

Why is it commonly this way? Why does 'sharing' make men feel they possess MORE, while 'sharing' makes women feel completely invisible?

 

Curious.

I guess it still hurts and angers me.

[thecharade]

And also, when I did decide to end things, he got so hurt and angry. He was losing a woman. But I didn't feel angry--I was gaining back something, my spouse. He will forever believe that I dumped him, even though he had no plans ("I can't") to leave his wife. Ever. He will forever see himself as the injured party.

 

Frustrating.

Why the imbalance between the male/female viewpoints? I truly believe that my exAP felt that having some of him over none of him would demonstrate my love for him, as he was thinking of me. Is my being female the reason I can't view it that way, can't feel that's nearly good enough?

Edited July 26, 2013 by thecharade

[threelaurels]

I agree that there are gender differences in how men and women view multiple partners, but I think it has more to do with power than gender specifically. A MM with a BS and OW essentially gets two slices of cake. He never really gets tired of either of them because, when he gets sick of vanilla, he can go eat a slice of chocolate.

 

A BS and an OW, however, are sharing the same slice of cake. The BS gets the cake, which is filling even if plain, and would taste so much better with just a little bit of icing. The OW gets the icing. It's delicious at first, but she eventually gets sick from the sugar and wants something of more substance-the cake.

 

So, while MM gets to gorge, the BS and OW are both left lacking. Realistically, they should probably ditch the cake and go get an apple. It would, of course, be much healthier for them both.

 

I think that, although you are married, you are probably very similar in many ways to a single OW. You put far more into the affair than MM did, which is why he wasn't as concerned with your H. You were always on tap and accessible to him when he wanted you, but, when you needed him, you'd have to wait until he could fit you into his schedule.

 

I wish you luck working things out with your husband. I think, after some time, you'll find that the grass is always greener where you water it. Putting effort and time into your marriage can make a big difference. Now that MM is gone, you can break out the gardening tools and start working.

[LilGirlandOW]

Great thread, excellent analogies!

[Sooverhim]

Ladies, this thread explains my A perfectly ... you have described my situation EXACTLY. My A panned out exactly the way you described, for the exact same reasons.

 

My XMM too was more than happy with our situation ... two whole women, the cake and the icing, it was perfect for him, he wanted us both, just as we were, the W at home fulfilling his every need except sex, his day to day nourishment, his sustainence, and me on the side, an occasional tasty treat. He couldn't give up his daily nourishment ... that would kill him, and he really didn't want to give up his occasional treat too, because he really enjoyed it, it was fun and something to look forward to.

 

I on the other hand felt the same as you ladies, I felt I had nobody. I had distanced myself from H, at XMM's request, avoiding spending time with him, and especially sexual intimacy, because I made a pact with XMM to be honest with him and tell him whenever H and I had sex. XMM was so unhappy whenever it happened I did everything possible to make sure it never happened. I don't think XMM kept his side of the bargain though, I think he was continuing having his cake at home whenever it suited him. Still continuing to have a fabulous life with his wonderful W, going on amazing holidays, eating out, going for long walks in the countryside.

 

Just like Revolutionary Road, I too was the one to end it ... because of the constant rejection ... because of him rejecting me as a full time permanent partner in favour of his wonderful W, so I rejected him as his bit on the side. I was putting way more into the A than he was, I wanted way more from him than he was willing to give, I was trying desperately to do whatever I thought it would take for him to give me the whole cake. He never wanted any of my cake, he only wanted my icing. He was more than happy with the cake he already has at home, he's not giving up that for anything. But oh boy he does enjoy a nice bit of icing every now and then!

 

My XMM too was heartbroken when I ended it. Because he now had only one woman instead of two. I felt liberated when I finally ended it for good, because I was now free to work on my M and fall back in love with my H and have SOMEBODY again.

 

Great thread:)

[MissBee]

and I had nobody.

 

That's how it felt, that's how it always felt. But why?

 

When I ended things, he called me the strong one and said he "knew I'd leave him." He acted as if our feelings in the A were the same because our situations were the same, but they weren't. He acted like "risking injury to his wife and family" PROVED his love, and my ending things proved that I didn't love him enough to tough out the difficulties. Crazy, right? But this was all implied, conveyed as much in what he didn't say as what he did.

 

But typically (not always) this is the case. An A allows a man to have two total women! Whole! (My exAP seemed to be able to forget about my H since I was only a side dish.) He felt like the king of the world. But me? I was distant from my H and never really "with" (fully) my AP, so I felt alone. I had no one.

 

Why is it commonly this way? Why does 'sharing' make men feel they possess MORE, while 'sharing' makes women feel completely invisible?

 

Curious.

I guess it still hurts and angers me.

 

 

I don't think it's about men and women, but about the position and investment.

 

An OM in love with a MW who knows she is being shared between him and her husband doesn't feel like he has more of anything at all. He is in a disadvantaged position, while she may be in a position of having 2 men and being in a more powerful position, as she has a husband and a bf, security and excitement.

 

If both people are married, like in your case, perhaps it is more about how invested each person is. If neither are that invested it works fine. However, since married women more often get into affairs to make up for an emotional intimacy which they're missing, perhaps it's more likely they do fall in love with MM and invest more in MM than their husband, so for them they end up feeling just like the single OW, and MM perhaps sees it more as a compartmentalizing balance act, so he genuinely gets two women. In the MW/OM situation, MW is more powerful as she knows the OM is single and if he's inlove with her, unlikely wants other women but only wants her and is waiting for her...whereas MW dating MM knows he has a wife and she is not his one and only, hence in the single OM/MW case she is more powerful and can feel secure she has the single OM to herself and her husband if it doesn't work, but with MM, she's detached from her husband but doesn't have MM fully either.

[thecharade]

This reality upsets me to no end. It's almost 11 months since I last laid eyes on my ex, but it still irritates me: I rejected him!!! Grrrr! He sincerely believed that his "life" was set (i.e. home, job, kids) but his "love" was completely available to be mine, and why wouldn't I let that be enough? Why did I want him to miss out on his kids' lives? Grrrrr!

 

It's almost like my grief is in limbo because he stole it, wallowing in the victim role while I'm left feeling forever the abandoner. Thief! I must say, the cake eating often affects the BS the same way when they divorce the cheater. This same type of man will blame the BS for ending the marriage after multiple ddays! Why don't these guys see the reality?

 

It does seem to be somewhat genetically hardwired, or am I imagining things? It's as if male DNA really thrives with multiple partners, while female DNA thrives with one partner. How can that be?! Yet it seems to be true.

 

As I've said, I hated having an A. It was exhausting and emotionally crippling. I cried daily. My heart was always heavy thinking about how everyone was being affected. But I can't forget the memories of my exBF's happiness. I could just tell how "filled up" he felt, and I am still angered by his lack of conscience.

 

We were both M, both juggling a lot, both had jobs and younger kids. We were first loves many years ago, quite dedicated back then. So why was he happy with 'just an A,' and why was I miserable? Simply DNA? I don't get it. I never will. (For what it's worth, I did not have any interest in his W's life. I didn't envy it. She stays home and I have a great career, very successful. She's a home body that does arts and crafts. I'm an exercise enthusiast and traveller. So that wasn't it. I just didn't feel right giving love to two people. I needed us to decide on one and go with it. He HATED that notion and fought it. "I have decided! I love only you, but you can't ask me to be selfish enough to blow up my family's life on top of that!")

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Still! 11 months later!

[Pierre]

 

It does seem to be somewhat genetically hardwired, or am I imagining things? It's as if male DNA really thrives with multiple partners, while female DNA thrives with one partner. How can that be?! Yet it seems to be true.

 

 

Yes and no. Every once in a while there is an MOW in the forum that just wants to play, no different than these men. And you also see single OMs that are no different than the single OWs in distress.

[Betterthanthis13]

Just for a laugh:

 

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

― George Carlin

 

Men have more testosterone, they are more likely to behave the way you described in OP, but women WS's are capable of the same behavior. It's just not as prevalent. Women are generally just more capable of effectively processing and expressing emotions. That's why we are awesome.