Asking how someone died--rude or acceptable?

[LuckyLady13]

I would see this situation from the interviewers perspective a lot differently than some people who've posted on this so far.

 

If someone told me during an interview their father died when they were two, I would first say how sorry I am to hear that but I would ask what happened. The easiest thing to say if someone doesn't want to discuss it is "it's too hard for me to talk about" and we'd move right on.

 

But if the person sat there and told me "he committed suicide", I'd tell them how sorry I am that they had to deal with a situation like that at such a young age and mention that the closest thing I ever experienced that's similar is a friend of mine who committed suicide when I was about 14 and although that's nothing like the loss of a parent, it is the only way I have to relate. I'd apologize again and tell the person if they are hired and they ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.

 

My sympathy would be absolutely genuine. And my second thoughts about the situation would be wondering how this person is going to interact with the other employees and how I think they may get along with everyone OR is this going to cause too many problems for the person for a specific reason like the other employees are a bit rude, obnoxious or not sympathetic to others. Does somebody go on and on every week about being out boating and fishing with their dad all the time? I wouldn't want to put someone in a bad situation for them mentally or emotionally.

 

I have had the same deer caught in headlights look when people ask about my parents just like today at the doctor. They asked about family history and I said "well, I saw my dad once this year so I don't know if my parents are even alive" and the poor girl taking my information just froze! I have no problem telling people I don't see them because they were very abusive when I was growing up, paranoid, violent cokehead drug dealers and never changed. It doesn't bother me anymore. I'm used to it.

 

I think there's a lot of times people are confronted with a situation they just can't possibly comprehend or understand and can't even think of a thing to say and their brain shuts down totally on them. I'm always the one who picks the conversation back up and makes the other person feel as comfortable as possible. I've had the deer caught in headlights situation happen to me so many times now that I finally learned how to deal with it pretty well.

 

Do you know what I think is the worst? When people give you that glazed over "sorry to hear that" and a second later talk about how they just got a new car or the weather is so great today.

 

When I first started reading the original post, I wondered why a question like that would bother someone so much until I got to the part about dad committing suicide. Then I realized why it would bother someone.

 

It's possible when the interviewer asked what happened, they had no ill intent at all and just wanted to be there as one fellow human being to another. To try to understand and sympathize. To relate. And sometimes the only way to find out someones intention is to just straight out and bluntly answer them. See what their reaction is. If they glaze over it and move right on, you don't want to work there. If they can't care about a person for a split second or two, forget months or years. That's not a place you want to be. But I think if they get that deer in headlights thing going on, it's only because they've just gone into a little state of shock because it's never happened to them, they can't relate and have honestly no idea what to say. It doesn't mean they don't care.

[Tayla]

As awkward as the moment was....A Friend of mine had a slight twist for responding...that left one with the Yup, true dat!

 

She would say...Hmmm...It was either lack of air or lack of blood. Don't quite know for sure if the Doctors ever narrowed it down from there but the family is pretty sure it was one or the other"....

 

There comes a point in grieving or speaking of the loved one that we can utilize "wit" to see us thru the sensitive area...

 

One cannot go wrong when speaking honestly. And if you or society perceive the "way" that someone passed as : Heroic, cowardly, violently...then you are missing the essence and moment to be had. Its not to "judge" that finality but to open up the door of...He/She would be proud of you to come in with your skills and aspirations. Then move on to the technical side of the interview. Both the interviewer and the prospect can be civil and gracious all in one swoop.

[almond]

I'm curious as to why you felt the need to bring it up in the first place?

 

I interview a lot of people. To be honest, I would find it inappropriate if a candidate disclosed such personal information without prompting, or if it were not directly relevant to the role that they were applying for.

[whichwayisup]

This question came up today because I had an interview earlier this week where I mentioned that my dad died when I was young, and the interview asked, "How did he die?" I felt it was none of his business and was offended he asked.

 

If the question was posed to you differently, would it have been less offensive?

 

"I'm so sorry about your father, my condolences. May I ask how he passed away?"

 

Still isn't anybody's business, but if it's said respectfully, and is coming from the right place (not nosy) would you consider someone asking less offensive?

[whichwayisup]

This question came up today because I had an interview earlier this week where I mentioned that my dad died when I was young, and the interview asked, "How did he die?" I felt it was none of his business and was offended he asked.

Okay, first off, you don't volunteer such personal information during a job interview. This person is not your friend or buddy, they didn't need to know about your personal life at all, unless they specifically asked you about your parents.

 

But, since the person interviewing you asked (you brought it up first and due to the circumstances, I think them asking IS appropriate on some level.)

 

Bringing up stuff that is personal that they don't ask about is dramatic. Sorry, just my 2 cents.

 

Though I AM sorry to hear about your dad. Mine died too.. Unfortunately. Cancer.

[skibunny]

Some deaths are more complicated to talk about than others. A friend of mine recently passed away after a long battle with substance abuse, and an even longer one with cystic fibrosis. When people who didn't know him well ask how he died, I say "complications of cystic fibrosis." Which is true, because his substance abuse problems started with legally prescribed painkillers. But his immediate cause of death was a heroin overdose. It's complicated and painful for me to try to process all that, let alone to share it with strangers.

 

I think suicides and drug overdose deaths are much more difficult to talk about casually than other types of deaths. In both cases, the individual died from some personal trauma. Getting into the details and understanding that trauma is a messy, time-consuming business.

[Trimmer]

I'm curious as to why you felt the need to bring it up in the first place?

 

Okay, first off, you don't volunteer such personal information during a job interview.

I'm not sure if the OP made it clear whether she brought it up first or whether it was prompted. Her original post only said that she "mentioned" it, but then in a later post, she said "Usually I mention that my dad died only after someone asks me something like, 'And what does your dad do?' ", as if she only offers it if she is kind of backed into a corner, which I can understand.

 

So I'm not sure if it's clear whether this particular interview situation was one or the other - whether she volunteered it first, or whether she was kinda backed into responding. I think that makes a pretty big difference in the appropriateness of continuing the line of questioning on the part of the interviewer.

 

And along those lines, I also think it makes a difference whether she just gave the minimal "he died," or "he's no longer living," vs. "he died when I was two." The latter - the offer of additional detail - is much more of an invitation to continue the line of conversation, while the former (especially if it was in response to an interviewer question) sends much more of a signal to shut it down and move on to other topics.

[Zapbasket]

I'm not sure if the OP made it clear whether she brought it up first or whether it was prompted. Her original post only said that she "mentioned" it, but then in a later post, she said "Usually I mention that my dad died only after someone asks me something like, 'And what does your dad do?' ", as if she only offers it if she is kind of backed into a corner, which I can understand.

 

So I'm not sure if it's clear whether this particular interview situation was one or the other - whether she volunteered it first, or whether she was kinda backed into responding. I think that makes a pretty big difference in the appropriateness of continuing the line of questioning on the part of the interviewer.

 

And along those lines, I also think it makes a difference whether she just gave the minimal "he died," or "he's no longer living," vs. "he died when I was two." The latter - the offer of additional detail - is much more of an invitation to continue the line of conversation, while the former (especially if it was in response to an interviewer question) sends much more of a signal to shut it down and move on to other topics.

 

Interestingly, I offer the "when I was two" as a way to minimize the information so as to DETER people from feeling the need to inquire further. He died when I was two, i.e., too young to have formed many memories of him, i.e., too young for it to have affected me much. Which is not the case at all; it affected me tremendously; but it's no one's business except for people close to me, who already know the full story of how it affected me and continues to do so. I never considered the "when I was two" as an invitation for further probing.

 

This interview was so bizarre; nothing followed any kind of protocol I'd ever encountered. It was for an office manager position at a small (3 docs) alternative medicine clinic. The doctor interviewing me would NOT believe that I could possibly be interested in the job, even though there I was, dressed in professional attire, having driven 25 miles for the interview. "You're so overqualified; how can you possibly be interested?"

 

At first I gave an "Interview Protocol" kind of answer, e.g., "I have experience developing and managing patient databases; I like small office environments...interested in alternative medicine...like working with patients"...etc. Then he kept probing and asked why I didn't go into medicine if I were interested in it and in working with patients, since I seem so intelligent. I answered that I didn't like poking and prodding and dealing with bodily fluids. He then asked what my ultimate life objectives were, what I most wanted to do.

 

I was not forming the best opinion of this person at this point. His demeanor was weird and peppered the interview with a slew of personal questions--where I'd lived, did I have siblings and what did they do, what my parents did. I realize I could have curbed these questions by pushing back with, "Is this relevant?" But I didn't; good or bad, that's not my nature. I think the thing about my dad came about something like this:

 

"So your mom is a ____. Where does she live?"

"In ____."

"Oh. So it's her and your dad living in ___?"

"No. My dad died when I was two."

 

I was as matter-of-fact with this information as all the rest of it. I did not imagine he would follow that with asking how he died. I should have known, though; I found the entire interview vaguely inappropriate given the man's demeanor and the kinds of questions he asked, and by this point I already was thinking I wasn't sure I'd enjoy working with him in such close quarters. So by this point my tactic was to play along and see what else he'd reveal about the kind of work environment this would be based on the questions he asked and his responses to my answers.

[almond]

In that case, it was very unprofessional of him - what a douche.

 

Good luck with the job search

[Trimmer]

Interestingly, I offer the "when I was two" as a way to minimize the information so as to DETER people from feeling the need to inquire further. He died when I was two, i.e., too young to have formed many memories of him, i.e., too young for it to have affected me much. Which is not the case at all; it affected me tremendously; but it's no one's business except for people close to me, who already know the full story of how it affected me and continues to do so. I never considered the "when I was two" as an invitation for further probing.

OK, I get your point - kinda like you are trying to deliver everything in one tidy, small package that says "here's all I've got, no need to inquire further..."

 

It's a fascinating subtlety of conversational subtext, etc. I see the point of what you are trying to do, but I still think that the addition of the "when I was two" detail, rather than wrapping up the topic and closing discussion, may actually seem like an offering that says "there's more to discuss here, if you want to."

 

I'm not claiming this is some univeral truth, and I acknowledge that others may have different opinions, this is just how it would strike me. Like I said earlier, it's the difference, when asked how my weekend was, between just saying "Fine," vs. "Fine, we went boating out at the lake." Instead of closing up the package with the extra detail, the latter just almost asks for further conversation.

 

All of that subtlety aside, now that you've amplified the context of your interaction, I will say that it does seem like the whole trajectory of his questions was oddly probing for a professional interview. The "how did he die" was perhaps the peak of discomfort, but that whole line of discussion just seemed to drift out of bounds.

 

It sounds like a typical one-person operation, where his specialty is medicine and not HR, and he's clumsy at the HR stuff... Probably amplified by the tendency that doctors (generalization alert!) are used to being thought of as unquestionably capable, in command, and not having to answer to much in the way of higher authority. Man, that statement is probably going to piss someone off...

[todreaminblue]

people get curious .some call it morbid fascination...when death is bought up.......some people that is..... it may have been confronting for you...but not surprising, if someone says that to you,and you feel uncomfortable divulging his death, you could say its not something i talk about often and that he died unexpectedly.......redirect the conversation back on to whatever you were talking about before the topic of his death came up...... a point that was last said by him...repeat it and go from there....i wish you well.......i am sorry your dad died this way........deb

[bloominnora]

This happens me frequently as my husband took his own life and so I am a widow. At 39 obviously I am young to be a widow and this raises questions quite often, and I'm amazed at the amount of people who feel entitled to ask 'how' and even worse asking my two children (now teenagers) how he died which to me is completely unacceptable.

 

I find it very hard to come up with the answer. I call it dropping the 'widowbomb'. Often I'm not prepared for the question and I haven't really come to a 'one answer fits all' reply yet.

 

I sometimes say 'he took his own life' and once, to a poor womans horror, said 'he hung himself'. Once or twice I've got away with 'he wasn't well for a long time'. I'm not telling any lies, he wasn't physically unwell but mentally unwell and although it's invisible it's no less significant.

[missgangrene]

This question came up today because I had an interview earlier this week where I mentioned that my dad died when I was young, and the interview asked, "How did he die?" I felt it was none of his business and was offended he asked.

 

I talked with an acquaintance afterward, and she said that since I had mentioned that my dad had died, it was "fair game" for the interviewer to ask how.

 

I completely disagree.

 

I have no problem talking about my dad's suicide, but I resent the presumption that I would be comfortable talking about it, especially when it's people who don't know me well. Saying, "My dad died when I was two" and saying, "He hung himself" are two very different things, two very different emotional experiences, and I volunteer the second only with people to whom I'm close.

 

Curious to know what fellow LoveShackers think, and what others' experiences have been on either side.

 

Not judging, but in what context did you bring up your father's death? My advice would be to not bring up anything with strangers that you are uncomfortable discussing at length (especially in an interview where you feel obligated to answer all their questions).

 

ETA: Never mind. Just read your reenactment of the interview down-thread. Um, that was highly inappropriate and he almost sounded as if he was asking you information like you were patient. That line of questioning happens when you're a first-time patient at a doctor's office, not interviewing for a position. I'm glad you turned down the position! Good luck finding something more appropriate.

 

Also, I've had friends die from suicide, complications from AIDs, and drug overdoses. All three have stigma attached to them and that makes them more complicated to discuss. It's different than when someone dies from something like cancer, because when you tell people that you're just going to receive their empathy and condolences. With the other types of death, you run the risk of either having to explain more than you feel comfortable or the person reacts in a very judgmental manner. Or both.

Edited September 8, 2013 by missgangrene
More info.