Everytime gets harder

[affairaddict]

Everytime you end it it gets harder.

 

Yesterday I was ok, great in fact. Now 5 days in since i ended it not feeling so good. A bit numb and feeling sad, hopeless.

 

I know this must be the end and no going back. It's destructive and makes me unhappy. The withdrawals make me unhappy too. Sometimes like this morning I feel I can't get my breathe, I think Im in panic mode.

 

I should be grateful. He agreed with me. He respected my decision he says he understood and apologises for the mess. He doesn't do the begging or the angry or the trying to change my mind. He parted with kindness, wishes me all the luck in the world with recovery then he's gone. I know he's fine for good, in my heart I know he won't try 2 months down the line this time.

 

Yet conflicted as my silly little ego is saying girl it's so easy for him he made no fight for you in his life he just let you walk . He never really cared . He's laughing to himself. What that's insane, and paranoia I know he is not laughing my mind is going crazy. When does this stop?

[sadwithouthim]

I understand what you mean. I'm on the flip side (I'm the married one), and my OM initiated NC July 7th.

 

I'm also thinking crazy things. I'm thinking this is easy for him, and maybe he has someone new, and maybe he's hardly thinking about me at all. It would be very unlikely for any of this to be true after 4 1/2 years.

 

I feel SO guilty that I couldn't give him more.

[BrokenPrincess]

Yesterday I was ok, great in fact. Now 5 days in since i ended it not feeling so good. A bit numb and feeling sad, hopeless.

 

I know this must be the end and no going back. It's destructive and makes me unhappy. The withdrawals make me unhappy too. Sometimes like this morning I feel I can't get my breathe, I think Im in panic mode.

 

You are hitting the withdrawal now. The first couple weeks of NC were the worst I have felt in my entire life. Just embrace the pain and cry or deep breaths, lay in bed if you can, walk, whatever you need to do to not break NC. The good news is that THIS IS THE WORST OF IT!! Once you get through these terrible few weeks, you will never have to feel that bad again. Ever. You can do it...you are a strong woman to be handling your health and your kids. Just take it day by day and in a couple weeks, you will not feel this depth of despair.

 

Yet conflicted as my silly little ego is saying girl it's so easy for him he made no fight for you in his life he just let you walk . He never really cared . He's laughing to himself. What that's insane, and paranoia I know he is not laughing my mind is going crazy. When does this stop?

 

I'm also thinking crazy things. I'm thinking this is easy for him, and maybe he has someone new, and maybe he's hardly thinking about me at all. It would be very unlikely for any of this to be true after 4 1/2.

 

^^ I had these thoughts too, even at just day 2 NC. As my friend told me, of course he didn't just forget about you and move on. You don't have a relationship with someone, share things, and then immediately just move on the next day, no matter how committed you are to working on your M, ending the A, etc.

 

My xMM waited 4 months to break NC (initiated after his DDay) to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me everyday, stalked my Facebook, etc. Turns out he did not just ride off into the sunset with his W and their perfect family and think of me as the worst mistake of his life, which is what I had imagined was going on in his life.

 

But at the end of the day, it didn't and doesn't matter. Yes, now I have the knowledge that NC wasn't easy for him either, that he will allegedly never care for someone the way he cares for me, blah blah blah, but now I am hurting all over again to heal.

 

AA and Sad, I know how much it hurts to speculate that you didn't matter and that he doesn't care, but of course he does. Your thoughts are totally normal, and with time, they won't preoccupy you like they do now. And eventually, it won't matter to you anyway. Just stay strong with NC and things WILL get better.

[Goodbye]

It is going to take a bit. I'm still healing and have good and bad days. This is what I did that seems to have helped a lot (like you, I had several break ups with the MM, each hurting more). I booked myself a trip in Nov. Nothing expensive or fancy...just something a few months away that I can look toward. I can tell myself...in Nov I'm going away, and by that time I will hurt even less than I do now. Somehow that helps. Keeps me looking at a goal instead of just counting the days of NC...which is what I did for a long time, even had threads on here talking about how I was doing each and every day of NC. Hang in there...you will survive.

[hippetyhop]

Everytime you end it it gets harder.

 

Yesterday I was ok, great in fact. Now 5 days in since i ended it not feeling so good. A bit numb and feeling sad, hopeless.

 

I know this must be the end and no going back. It's destructive and makes me unhappy. The withdrawals make me unhappy too. Sometimes like this morning I feel I can't get my breathe, I think Im in panic mode.

 

I should be grateful. He agreed with me. He respected my decision he says he understood and apologises for the mess. He doesn't do the begging or the angry or the trying to change my mind. He parted with kindness, wishes me all the luck in the world with recovery then he's gone. I know he's fine for good, in my heart I know he won't try 2 months down the line this time.

 

Yet conflicted as my silly little ego is saying girl it's so easy for him he made no fight for you in his life he just let you walk . He never really cared . He's laughing to himself. What that's insane, and paranoia I know he is not laughing my mind is going crazy. When does this stop?

 

Are we writing about the same xMM?! Mine reacted the same way. Just knowing that he is on the same page of me makes it official. I just keep reminding myself how he is less stressful and happier without me. Knowing how he is, he isn't hurting (although I wish he is a bit miserable), he can care less, and just going on his daily life. I really do wish him nothing but the best. I know mine won't try to contact me either down the road. I guess it is the way it was meant to be.

 

I just hope his next OW was as understanding as me.

[affairaddict]

My thoughts are craxy I know he cares as it was only a week or so ago he was telling me how hard the 2 months NC were. Yet one week later my mind is playing tricks on me.

 

It's like as OW ending it nothing is satisfying , if he begs, if he accepts , it's all horrible. I like to believe how Pierre puts it that the guys who let you go and let you move on love you and want you to be happy ,unlike the greedier cake lovers. So I suppose I could move on easier thinking that.

 

But need to get to the point where I only care about how I feel and how I'm doing. Long way to go.

[Pierre]

My thoughts are craxy I know he cares as it was only a week or so ago he was telling me how hard the 2 months NC were. Yet one week later my mind is playing tricks on me.

 

It's like as OW ending it nothing is satisfying , if he begs, if he accepts , it's all horrible. I like to believe how Pierre puts it that the guys who let you go and let you move on love you and want you to be happy ,unlike the greedier cake lovers. So I suppose I could move on easier thinking that.

 

But need to get to the point where I only care about how I feel and how I'm doing. Long way to go.

 

Do you realize he will call again?

[affairaddict]

I don't think he will this time honestly.

[Pierre]

I don't think he will this time honestly.

 

Everybody calls again.

[findingnemo]

Everytime you end it it gets harder.

 

Yesterday I was ok, great in fact. Now 5 days in since i ended it not feeling so good. A bit numb and feeling sad, hopeless.

 

I know this must be the end and no going back. It's destructive and makes me unhappy. The withdrawals make me unhappy too. Sometimes like this morning I feel I can't get my breathe, I think Im in panic mode.

 

I should be grateful. He agreed with me. He respected my decision he says he understood and apologises for the mess. He doesn't do the begging or the angry or the trying to change my mind. He parted with kindness, wishes me all the luck in the world with recovery then he's gone. I know he's fine for good, in my heart I know he won't try 2 months down the line this time.

 

Yet conflicted as my silly little ego is saying girl it's so easy for him he made no fight for you in his life he just let you walk . He never really cared . He's laughing to himself. What that's insane, and paranoia I know he is not laughing my mind is going crazy. When does this stop?

 

It takes time. I'm sorry you are going through this but you have to push forward day by day. I like Goodbye's idea of a holiday. I did everything possible to get over the withdrawal. Some things were good - a holiday. Some didn't work out but every day I tried to find a way to cope.

 

Whatever the case, Stella, you need to get your grove back!

[affairaddict]

Yes maybe, but perhaps in a year or years to come and by that time ill be with someone great, hot, yeah..

[Lady2163]

It will get better.

 

A psychologist I once knew used to tell her patients, "every day do something nice for yourself.". She steered them away from food as reward and told them it didn't need to be expensive or extravagant.

 

There was a time in my life I went to a local coffee shop and tried every drink they made. That took a couple of months. But I looked forward to it.

 

Be good to yourself.