Selfish husband

[AnaMaria83]

So, here goes: I know my husband loves me very much but, at times, he tends to be really selfish and I’m sure he doesn’t realise it – when confronted, he acts really surprised and sometimes dismisses what I say, saying I’m just being too demanding and that he had no intention whatsoever of being selfish or insensitive – he is though, and I know that if it was the other way round, that is, if I acted towards him the way he acts towards me sometimes, he would be outraged and all hell would break loose.

 

Examples: if I get sick (like if I get the flu or something “unimportant” like that) he offers to buy me medicine, acts worried at the moment but, the next day, seems to have forgotten it all and doesn’t even ask how I am feeling.If I say I’ve had a bad day at work, he won’t pay much attention. If I say I have an important meeting the day after and that I’m really nervous about it,he won’t even bother to send me an sms the whole day while I’m at work, with encouragement words, nor does he ask me how it went when I get home. It’s like he doesn’t even remember. On the other hand, when he gets sick it’s like he’s about to die, complains like a child and wants me to be around all the time;if he has a bad day at work, he will be the unhappiest person on earth and I always stand by his side.

 

Yesterday I was particularly down due to my grandfather’s death (who passed away 3 months ago), I had a breakdown and really needed to be comforted. All he said was “that’s sad…” and immediatly changed subject andstarted talking about the political situation in Brazil (I was like WTF???).

 

The worst kind of thing he does, which I think it’s reallyselfish of him, is when he goes away for work or to visit his mother andsometimes DAYS go by and he won’t say ANYTHING. I know for sure he’s not cheating, he just sits there at his mother or wherever he is and, if he’s busy or entertained with something, won’t tell me ANYTHING. In normal situations, if he’s fine, yes, he’ll call, but if he’s worried about something, he just shuts down and doesn’t care about anyone in the world but himself.

 

In January he went to see his mother and I hadn’t heard of him in 2 days and I was going mad, and then when he bothered to switch on his phone he had this really awful sick voice and told me he’d been at the hospital with serious flu, but had been at his mother’s resting since the day before. I said: "were you so sick you couldn’t even move your fingers and bother to send an sms?? I was worried sick" He said “oh, but I was feeling so down, I barely got out of bed”. It’s not like he’s cheating or something, I know for sure he was at that hospital, I know for sure he was sick at his mother, but I think this is double selfishness– not thinking I’d be worried sick and not bothering to ask how I was.

 

I surely think he takes me for granted.

 

I don’t understand this behaviour: no matter how worried I am about something, I never Forget my SO and I always bother to ask how he is.It’s just the natural, normal thing to do.

 

I know he’s not a bad man (although I’m focusing on hisdownside here), and nobody’s perfect, but sometimes he can be very annoying and unconsiderate without realising so: maybe I could just give him a taste of his own medicine, but I can’t seem to do it, I feel bad and guilty and feel itwould be kind of childish of me to do so.

 

He’s just like this – shuts himself down but it can be very hurtful. I’ve talked about this before but nothing has changed. He thinks I’m too demanding and doesn’t realise the consequences of his actions – however, i knowhe’d GO NUTS if I did the same.

 

Suggestions on dealing with this? Is it possible to?

Thank you!

Edited July 26, 2013 by AnaMaria83

[Korea2000]

I've come to the conclusion that there is only one ingredient to a truly happy and successful relationship, and that is meeting the emotional needs of your partner. Everything else is secondary.

[AnaMaria83]

Thank you. Can you be more specific, or do you have an idea on how I could make him see sense?

[cozycottagelg]

I have felt this way in my marriage.

 

I feel like whenever a situation, decision, option, ANYTHING is given to me, my first reaction is "I wonder what my husband would think, what does he want? Would he like this? Would he not like this?"

 

But whenever something comes along his way, he makes a decision without even checking with me. I'm an afterthought. It's so frustrating!

[AnaMaria83]

I'm sure it's very frustrating. However, my problem seems a bit different - more to do with selfishness than decision making. Please give me your opinions on this, I don't know what to think/do.

[MsShelleH]

i think you just have to keep pointing it out, and letting him know your needs.

patience waiting for change is hard...heck making change is hard (on the other persons viewpoint)!!!

 

I would say a dose of his own medicine to a degree might make him see...but id be careful it sounds like you may not have trust issues...but would that create trust issue of you for him?

i dont like tit for tat, or get even tactics...

 

i personally think you draw more bees with honey...or see more gain with positive....and always always be loving not nagging.

 

whe he gives a little...praise alot!!! encourage the behavior you want to see.

 

when he sends u msgs...let him know you appreciate it...(even need it). like thanking for the msg in the reply..."i love hearing from you in the day" that makes me feel special or loved.

 

when u get home...just hearing from you brightened my day today...im making your fave dessert, because i want you to feel that special too.

 

well easier said than done...but, thats my thought

[findingnemo]

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this?

 

He is taking you for granted - that's a fact. You need to figure out why so that you can figure out what, if anything, you can do about it.

[AnaMaria83]

We've been married 2 years and yes, he has always been like this, except when we started dating. At the very beginning - first year or so he was always all over me, but whenever he was worried he'd shut down, that's a fact.

[orionboxing]

FWIW I'm a guy...

 

I will be the minority here...but you need to maybe once or twice give him a taste of his own medicine. Change your behavior towards him.

 

Don't call him at work, don't text him, don't tell him where you went. This will be a test that will let you know how much he cares about you. If you suddenly stop all contact with him, he'll eventually wonder why the communication quit and want to know what happened.

 

What happens in the dating world when the woman goes cold turkey on the guy and dumps him? The guy blows up your phone "baby, baby, baby, I LOVE YOU!!!"

 

Right now, he's viewing you as a nagging wife that does all the work and he's taking you for granted. It needs to be a two way street. Make him work for you.

 

How is your sex life with this guy? If you are not intimate with him, he's probably checked out himself and doesn't see much value in you. This is 100% truth.

 

Women respond to the emotional love language, men respond to the physical love language.

Edited July 26, 2013 by orionboxing

[AnaMaria83]

Thanks for your man view on this

 

Answering your question, we are very intimate and our sex life is amazing. I long for him and he longs for me, lol

 

However, can a man truly love you if he has this kind of behaviour? I don't understand. I would never do such a thing to him...

[Mr. Lucky]

FWIW I'm a guy...

 

I will be the minority here...

 

AnaMaria83, I'm a guy and am going to be even more in the minority when I say that you're over-reacting. In no particular order, two days isn't an excessively long time to go without talking to some one, he offered to get you medicine and he expressed his condolences over your grandfather's passing.

 

He sounds different in his emotional make-up than you. That doesn't make you right and him wrong and blaming him for not reacting as you would only drives you further apart. You may have to be more accepting of his nature - quirks, flaws and all - if your marriage is going to succeed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

However, can a man truly love you if he has this kind of behaviour? I don't understand. I would never do such a thing to him...

Here's the thing...

 

You are projecting how you would want him to act because that is the way YOU would act. You can't understand how he could do anything differently because that is how you are programmed to be yourself.

 

The biggest problem is that you want him to be a different person than he actually is and that is probably not going to happen. You are wanting him to behave differently than he is probably capable of behaving and - as OrionBoxing stated - you are coming across as a nagging wife.

 

If you want different behavior, you need to probably work on your expectations and communication. Ask him specifically to text you at certain times and offer some form of reward for that behavior. Dog-like? Yup, unfortunately it is.

 

Your only other option is to accept who he is and how he behaves. You see it as "selfish" when - for him - it is probably perfectly normal. You stated you have been together for two years? You are now out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship and seeing each other for who both of you really are; which means you can talk to each other about your foibles ('cuz I'm sure you have some in his eyes as well) and learn to live with them, or move on...

[2sunny]

Sounds like he is just completely emotionally bankrupt.

 

Is he this way with everyone? Does he lack empathy and compassion?

 

He may not be CAPABLE of what you expect! Is there a valid reason he runs home and stays days at a time at MOMMY'S house?

[AnaMaria83]

Here's the thing...

 

You are projecting how you would want him to act because that is the way YOU would act. You can't understand how he could do anything differently because that is how you are programmed to be yourself.

 

 

This is actually a very good point. I am programmed to be this way and I really can not understand, imagine or justify why someone who loves the other person would have his kind of behaviour.

 

However, I'm not sure that this is the kind of flaw one should accept. Him not being there for me when I need to? Well, this doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes, it does. Maybe I'm being too demanding like he says? I know I am a perfeccionist, but...

 

I find it hard to cross the line between the flaws I should forgive him for (because nobodys perfect) and the ones I should not accept. Not easy.

[AnaMaria83]

Sounds like he is just completely emotionally bankrupt.

 

Is he this way with everyone? Does he lack empathy and compassion?

 

He may not be CAPABLE of what you expect! Is there a valid reason he runs home and stays days at a time at MOMMY'S house?

 

He doesn't actually. He does not lack empathy not compassion. He suffers inside but doesn't show it. He won't involve himself too much emotionally - I mean, he may be in turmoil inside, but he's not the kind of person who will talk about it. He will tend to avoid it. Yes, pretty much with everyone.

 

He loves his grandmother more than anything and when her husband died (not his grandpa) he wasn't able to talk or visit her for months. He didn't know how to face it. But in my eyes - that's being selfish in a way.

 

As for why he runs home to his mommy - she lives in another state, and lives alone. We visit her whenever we can, but sometimes I can't because of my job and he goes alone - he's his own boss.

[DawnR]

I don't think he's selfish.

 

I just think he's completely emotionally disengaged from you. You're like a distant second cousin to him.

 

I completely agree with this statement. I sometimes have similar problems from my husband. He will say things, not meaning to be hurtful.... and I wear my heart on my sleeve (always have) and it just hurts my feelings sometimes. Things that may not necessarily hurt someone elses feelings. If he were emotionally ENGAGED with me... then he would realize how it hurts my feelings. I am just saying... I can relate to your post, and I know it is a hard situation to have to deal with. My husband is a great person too... but we all have our things, and this is one of them. HUGS. I know it can be annoying.

[2sunny]

He doesn't actually. He does not lack empathy not compassion. He suffers inside but doesn't show it. He won't involve himself too much emotionally - I mean, he may be in turmoil inside, but he's not the kind of person who will talk about it. He will tend to avoid it. Yes, pretty much with everyone.

 

He loves his grandmother more than anything and when her husband died (not his grandpa) he wasn't able to talk or visit her for months. He didn't know how to face it. But in my eyes - that's being selfish in a way.

 

As for why he runs home to his mommy - she lives in another state, and lives alone. We visit her whenever we can, but sometimes I can't because of my job and he goes alone - he's his own boss.

 

And he must have been this way before you got married, right?

 

So you knew he was void of emotional intimacy?

[CarrieT]

Him not being there for me when I need to?

He is not there in the WAY you need him to be. You said he was there for you when you were sick, but then not the next day. In his mind, he was there for you the way he knows how to be there.

 

However, I'm not sure that this is the kind of flaw one should accept.

You see it as a flaw, and he probably does not. If you can't accept it, then you can either go into counseling to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively or you can start considering divorce.

 

He will not change over night because you have pointed out his "flaws" just as you will probably not change those flaws in you that he sees.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

We've been married 2 years and yes, he has always been like this, except when we started dating. At the very beginning - first year or so he was always all over me, but whenever he was worried he'd shut down, that's a fact.

 

You asked for help so my 2 cents.

 

I believe that both of you have different levels of emotional energy reserves and different things that recharge or depleat them.

 

Your husbands natural communication state is not deep, and remains surface. He is also avoidant of painful emotions. He is probably the most comfortable in that pleasant surface level emotional space. He sounds like he has a low level of (emotional) capacity and probably burns it up faster in emotional situations. So lets say he has a daily capacity of a half liter. There is a limited daily supply.

 

Your emotional state requires more deep connection. You require more intense communication. You have a high level of capacity - lets say 2 liters. And yours automatically refills when empty!

 

The adjustment must occur on both sides. Move towards the middle. He's never going to be able to move to your range nor can you move to his.

 

So first, some of your emotional needs will need to be met through your family and other friends. Deep philosophical conversations should be with your girlfriends or your family. Those will burn through his reserves and not recharge him.

 

You need to prioritize your need for connection to the important stuff, your love for each other. If one of you is sad or upset, grieving or something.

 

Don't expect him to know what you need because its as if you speak different languages.

 

He will need to meet your minimum.

 

For example, he's going to visit his mom. You need a sign of life every day...text or call. I am assuming visiting his mom uses up his pool of emotional energy so he's tapped out so you shouldn't expect long emotional conversations. But if there is a real emergency you should be able to say, I need your support please help me though this.

 

Don't be mad, you are just different.

[T3h L337 d00d]

You sound like the selfish one. The guy is hospitalized and you're nagging him for not checking in with you.

 

If I had a wife like you I'd pay for some schooling in how to be a good wife.

[oldshirt]

Does he support you and the family financially, physically and spiritually? Does he provide protection for you and the family financially, physically and spiritually?

Does he provide leadership to you and the family financially, physically and spiritually?

Does he provide you with love and sexuality?

Is he faithfull to you?

 

Does he abandon you and the family? Is he a drunk, druggie or abusive. Is he unfaithful?

 

If you can honestly answer yes to the first set of questions and answer no to the second set of questions he is a good husband, just a bad girlfriend.

 

Husbands and girlfriends have different roles and should be judged on different standards.

 

If he is a good provider, protector, father, lover etc he is fulfilling his job description as a husband and father. If you are needing more strokes and cuddles in your life, you may find more of those with girlfriends rather than from a man that is just not wired to do those things.

[AnaMaria83]

You sound like the selfish one. The guy is hospitalized and you're nagging him for not checking in with you.

 

If I had a wife like you I'd pay for some schooling in how to be a good wife.

 

You must be joking. If that episode of the hospital was a one off, I wouldn't have a problem with it...I would understand.

 

You seem to have ignored pretty much everything else I said or if you didn't, you thought you'd just say you'd send me to wife school...well, the 50's are long gone but still, thanks for your input...

[AnaMaria83]

Does he support you and the family financially, physically and spiritually? Does he provide protection for you and the family financially, physically and spiritually?

Does he provide leadership to you and the family financially, physically and spiritually?

Does he provide you with love and sexuality?

Is he faithfull to you?

 

Does he abandon you and the family? Is he a drunk, druggie or abusive. Is he unfaithful?

 

If you can honestly answer yes to the first set of questions and answer no to the second set of questions he is a good husband, just a bad girlfriend.

 

Husbands and girlfriends have different roles and should be judged on different standards.

 

If he is a good provider, protector, father, lover etc he is fulfilling his job description as a husband and father. If you are needing more strokes and cuddles in your life, you may find more of those with girlfriends rather than from a man that is just not wired to do those things.

 

I understand what you say, and agree, that husbands and girlfriends have different roles and I may expecting too much of him - to be more like me.

 

As to the questions, that "provider" thing does not equal him to a good lover, nor does the fact that we have good sex. Or does it? Maybe it does. Got me thinking now.

 

Does he provide me with love? Well, when he disappears and ignores my down moments...I don't feel much that it's love.

[AnaMaria83]

You asked for help so my 2 cents.

 

I believe that both of you have different levels of emotional energy reserves and different things that recharge or depleat them.

 

Your husbands natural communication state is not deep, and remains surface. He is also avoidant of painful emotions. He is probably the most comfortable in that pleasant surface level emotional space. He sounds like he has a low level of (emotional) capacity and probably burns it up faster in emotional situations. So lets say he has a daily capacity of a half liter. There is a limited daily supply.

 

Your emotional state requires more deep connection. You require more intense communication. You have a high level of capacity - lets say 2 liters. And yours automatically refills when empty!

 

The adjustment must occur on both sides. Move towards the middle. He's never going to be able to move to your range nor can you move to his.

 

So first, some of your emotional needs will need to be met through your family and other friends. Deep philosophical conversations should be with your girlfriends or your family. Those will burn through his reserves and not recharge him.

 

You need to prioritize your need for connection to the important stuff, your love for each other. If one of you is sad or upset, grieving or something.

 

Don't expect him to know what you need because its as if you speak different languages.

 

He will need to meet your minimum.

 

For example, he's going to visit his mom. You need a sign of life every day...text or call. I am assuming visiting his mom uses up his pool of emotional energy so he's tapped out so you shouldn't expect long emotional conversations. But if there is a real emergency you should be able to say, I need your support please help me though this.

 

Don't be mad, you are just different.

 

Makes sense to me. It's another way of looking at things and I was finding it hard to look at it in a different perspective. Thanks a lot!