sadmom Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 My 16-year-old daughter began dating a guy this summer; he just turned 21. They get along wonderfully. My daughter is very bright (an honor student), has many friends and is outgoing, doesn't drink, do drugs and is very mature. They have the same interests (athletic activities, music, education, TV/movies, fun stuff). When my husband and I met him, I instantly saw what my daughter saw in him. He works FT (cellphone sales) and goes to college PT and is on his own. He lives with 3 other roommates, only has an occasional beer, and does not do drugs. His drawbacks are he has a father who was only around occasionally and he was raised by a mentally and physically abusive mother, he's been on his own since he was 16 and doesn't have a car. He has a step-father who is very good to him and a younger sister. He misses having a real family around and when he began dating my daughter, we welcomed him into our family immediately. He treats our younger son like a buddy; not just his girlfriend's younger brother. He is extremely good to my daughter and I don't worry about them going out. My husband was skeptical right away because of the age difference, does not like the fact that he's working FT going to school PT, has no "real direction" in his life and is nothing like him (DH is an engineer; very cerebral/methodical; BF is majoring in English, Loves music and is very "artsy"). It has gotten so bad that my husband is now insisting that they no longer see each other. My daughter is devastated, as am I. I have gotten very close to this guy and have come to love him too. I don't agree with this decision and we are all miserable. What should I do?
HokeyReligions Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Telling your daughter that she can not see him, almost guarantees that she begin sneaking around. Talk to your husband about compromises, and then discuss those compromises with your daughter. She's only 16 so this likely will not be a permanent relationship. Is your daughter sexually active? Because of the age difference and this man's past, I'm sure that your husband is concerned with this. Discuss all of this and perhaps you can allow her to date him with some restrictions that would make your husband more comfortable with the idea. If this guy is as genuine as you think, then he will understand the limitations that his 16 y/o girlfriends' parents put on their dating. No dates during the school week, weekend curfew, know where they are going and who they will be with; inviting him to join in family events sometimes and consider those dates as well. Things like that. If this guy doesn't respect those limitations and won't work with them, then sadly your daughter's heart may hurt for a while, but she needs to be with someone who shows respect to her and her parents choices. Good luck.
Moose Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I don't think I could handle my son dating a 21 year old girl. Something seems amiss here. As long as they're not sexually active I guess they aren't breaking any laws. But if they are, her Father has a right to even put this guy in jail. Hokey is right about the possibilty of this relationahip not stcking. She's only 16 and I'm assuming she hasn't been with two many other boys, she's gonna want to experiment sooner or later.
JessicaAlmond Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I was 16 my bf at the time was 20. Great smile, worked ft school pt. He treated my brother like a buddy too and would pick him up to hang out. He lived with a really controlling father who was abusive and his mother died when he was younger. He also missed the family environment and my mother loved him my dad hated him . I was 16 still a virgin and I thought I was in Love with him. My father said I couldn't see him anymore. I was devastated. I cried and begged and then turned rebellious. I had sex with him. I got caught. I wasn't allowed to ever see him again. I then snuck out, stayed out late, hated my father and caused terrible arguments between my parents. I hated that time in my life but I learned a lot. In the end the guy moved away and we grew apart and I never saw him again. In the end I wish I would've listened to my dad. I wasn't in love...I wish i could've saved myself for real love and that I hadn't caused so many fights over him. I think you should talk to your husband...she is going to do what she wants to do and at that age what she feels no one can tell her it's not real. He needs to let her make her own decisions and not run her life for her. I know he wants to guide her but thats what he has to do "guide" not completely control. And you do have to realize that they will not "hold hands" forever. She has to realize if he is for her or not. Your husband cannot decide that for her. And he has to be careful what he does because your husbands actions can scar her for life.
fredrolin Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions She's only 16 so this likely will not be a permanent relationship. Don't be so sure. My stepson started a steady relationship with his girlfriend when they were in high school and now 5 years later they are planning marriage in 2005. His mother and I don't like the girlfriend at all; but it's his life. Parents need to let there kids live and learn from there mistakes. ---- In this case this 21 year old guy seems ok...odds are her father will find something wrong with every guy she dates.
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