1 Year Together & I'm Unsure If There Will Be A 2nd Year.......(Need Advice Please)

[Deep_Blue]

I have been together with my girlfriend for one year this November. We began as good friends for about a year, and after she approached me regarding us taking it to the next level, I thought it sounded like a great thing....so we did.

 

Over the course of this past year, we have had our ups & downs, like most other people. This includes a separation for two weeks after a fight, but we seemed to have patched things up. She's gone on vacations with me and my family, knows them all quite well. I've met her family and have spent time with them also. We have mostly mutual friends & things work well in that catagory....we always seem to have a good time together. We're self admitted best friends.

 

She and I have discussed marriage and a future together several times, both of us are interested in the long term, and have made that clear. As we approach our first year anniversary together, I have some questions & problems, and frankly, as much as it kills to to come to terms with this thought, I suspect that we wont be together much beyond this anniversary.

 

She has evolved in to what appears to be a rather selfish person in many respects. I do believe she loves me, honestly, but the flavor of that love far more resembles that of love for a friend, and not that of a future husband, lover or someone you're truly in love with. Here are some examples of what I mean:

 

1) She needs to spend a good 50% of the time by herself (we don't live together). She's made that clear that she needs this time. I absolutely understand needing space, but the idea, after a year together, that she needs 50% of her time without me, seems highly incompatable with any "next step" in our relationship.

 

2) She rarely goes out of her way for me, when I do anything I can to make her life a little better. I absolutely don't expect anything beyond what is pretty standard consideration from her with anything else being a bonus. Even standard things seem to be hard for her to motivate to do. This wasn't the case in the begining, but definately the case now. For instance, my air conditioner was not working for the past 4 days(In Florida). She's aware of this, lives close to me, but never offered to have me come & stay at her place for the night...it's during that 50% of the time she needs to be alone. So I tried to sleep, unsuccessfully, in a hot muggy house. On the other hand, when her car broke down, when she had lasik surgery done, when her families home burned down, when her dog became sick, when the wave of hurricanes came, I was front & center for all of that....and a lot more. It seems all too often that I'm either taken for granted, or just not that interesting to her. So many tiny details take precidence over me and my needs on a very regular basis. It doesn't make me feel very good, I can tell you that.

 

3) She's very unaffectionate the majority of the time. Despite not spending 50% of our time together, when we are together, she's often sweet to me, but not very affectionate. We hold hands when we go places, she'll give me a kiss when I see her, and I do the same. Beyond that, it's like hanging around with any other friend of mine. She never seems really happy to see me. Not disappointed, just blah...neutral. She's a little on the unemotional side right from the start, a little rigid as far as personality goes, but friends are friends, couples are couples and there is a difference in my opinion in how that should naturally be shown between 2 people. The destinction is not at all clear in our case much of the time.

 

4) Sexually, she is not there most of the time. We have sex maybe once a week, and it's all too often treated as an obligation, and not a passionate moment. She gets into it, but there is absolutely one sexual schedule in this relationship, and that's hers. My desires/needs have no role. It makes me feel like an emotional tag-along not being considered in this way. Makes me feel more and more distant, and less and less interested in a future with her. We've talked about it more than once, and after a brief "fix", it's reverted back to the scheduled activity according to only her schedule.

 

 

These things I mention above are in contrast to how she tells me she feels about me. She's been a pillar of honesty with me from day one, which I value tremendously. I have no reason to distrust her at all, and she's a no bull**** sort of person, so I comfortably take what she says at face value. She tells me she loves me, she tells me she would like to marry me some day. My conflict is that these sentiments don't jive at all with much of her behavior. I have talked to her about most of this, which is almost always greeted with hostility in having to discuss these things, which has broken down our communication.

 

Her silence and inaction are now translating in to my own conclusions, since she has been given ample chance to talk with me, address these concerns, and try to work on improving things, which she doesn't do. It's a silent take it or leave it mind set, and I'm seriously considering leaving this relationship soon.

 

I love her so much, love her friendship & leaving her would be extremely difficult, but the more time goes on, the less choice I feel I have. I need a girlfriend, a lover and a future wife.....all she claims to be, or want, but doesn't put in the time or effort.

 

Any advice would be a great help. Hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes, and before I do anything, I'd like some objectivity. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Moose]

Reading your post reminded me so much of how I felt when my wife and I were first dating. I was about to write back to say.....how long have you and my wife known each other anyways!!!

 

There is nothing wrong, so relax. Her actions are just a part of who she is. Let's knock these down one by one, shall we?

 

1) She needs to spend a good 50% of the time by herself (we don't live together). She's made that clear that she needs this time. I absolutely understand needing space, but the idea, after a year together, that she needs 50% of her time without me, seems highly incompatable with any "next step" in our relationship.

 

Everyone needs that, "me" time. I do, you do, my wife does....everyone. To say 50% is a requirement is a bit extreme, but consider this: 8 hours of the day you're either in school or at work, the other 8 hours you're asleep, that only leaves 8 hours in the day. Technically, if she spends that entire 8 hours with you, you're only getting 33% of the day together. Asking her to do more would be pushing it. Let's say you two marry....then you'll be with her the 8 hours she sleeps, and then the 8 hours she's not in school or when one or the other is at work. That means you'll be with her 66% of the time. I think her 50% isn't too much to ask, not right now anyway.

 

2) She rarely goes out of her way for me, when I do anything I can to make her life a little better. I absolutely don't expect anything beyond what is pretty standard consideration from her with anything else being a bonus. Even standard things seem to be hard for her to motivate to do. This wasn't the case in the begining, but definately the case now. For instance, my air conditioner was not working for the past 4 days(In Florida). She's aware of this, lives close to me, but never offered to have me come & stay at her place for the night...it's during that 50% of the time she needs to be alone. So I tried to sleep, unsuccessfully, in a hot muggy house. On the other hand, when her car broke down, when she had lasik surgery done, when her families home burned down, when her dog became sick, when the wave of hurricanes came, I was front & center for all of that....and a lot more. It seems all too often that I'm either taken for granted, or just not that interesting to her. So many tiny details take precidence over me and my needs on a very regular basis. It doesn't make me feel very good, I can tell you that.

 

This does sound a little on the selfish side. What kind of background does she have growing up? Is she used to getting her way and having things handed to her? Did you ask her do stay with her until you could get the air fixed? Another part that I want to focus on is that you seem to have a detailed list of things that you went out of your way to help her out with. STOP DOING THAT!! This isn't a ball game where you keep score. You can't expect tit for tat when it comes to your mate. That is being selfish.....so much so that it's just as bad as her not caring about going out of her way for you...in other words....shame on you both. You need to communicate these feeling to her as clearly as you can, but don't ever....(if you want to stay in this relationship).....don't ever go into a conversation feeling that you've done more than your mate. That would be the wrong motive...period.

 

3) She's very unaffectionate the majority of the time. Despite not spending 50% of our time together, when we are together, she's often sweet to me, but not very affectionate. We hold hands when we go places, she'll give me a kiss when I see her, and I do the same. Beyond that, it's like hanging around with any other friend of mine. She never seems really happy to see me. Not disappointed, just blah...neutral. She's a little on the unemotional side right from the start, a little rigid as far as personality goes, but friends are friends, couples are couples and there is a difference in my opinion in how that should naturally be shown between 2 people. The destinction is not at all clear in our case much of the time.

 

This is an easy one. Have you ever heard of, "The Five Love languages"? Everyone has their own love language. Some speak, "word of affirmation", some speak, "Gifts", some speak "Physical Touch", some speak, "Quality Time" and some speak, "Acts of Service". Here's what I see.....your love language is Physical Touch and perhaps a little Quality Time. These are things you need to make you the happiest. You probably confused your girlfriends love language with acts of service or perhaps Physical Touch. This isn't her language, (Apparently).....you need to find out what her language is and stick to it. Go to this site to read more:

 

Five Love Languages

 

4) Sexually, she is not there most of the time. We have sex maybe once a week, and it's all too often treated as an obligation, and not a passionate moment. She gets into it, but there is absolutely one sexual schedule in this relationship, and that's hers. My desires/needs have no role. It makes me feel like an emotional tag-along not being considered in this way. Makes me feel more and more distant, and less and less interested in a future with her. We've talked about it more than once, and after a brief "fix", it's reverted back to the scheduled activity according to only her schedule.

 

All I can tell you is that if you follow what I wrote above, and go to that link, work on it the way you should, you'll have to peel her off of you! Trust me....I KNOW! I've been married for 16 years and just discovered the love language that my wife speaks about 2 years ago.....we are on the same page and never felt closer to each other our entire marriage!

 

Good luck to you, and we'll be here if you need us some more!

 

Moose

[Deep_Blue]

Moose...

 

Wow, thanks for the extremely thoughtful and lengthy reply. I came to this site by sheer chance, almost a last ditch effort, and hoped I'd get some wisdom, some objectivity.....you really exceeded my expectations with a quantum leap....thank you.

 

I am absolutely going to follow your advice. My sincere hope was not to identify an exit stratagy....but to gather some good reasons for sticking this out. I have crossed paths, in 35 years, with only a handful of people I can say I really was in love with. This woman is one of them, and I want her to be the last.

 

Part of why I found your reply so helpful is that despite my deeply felt concerns, I also know I am subject to making mistakes in my approach & expectations in my own relationship. I think so many fail simply due to a lack of understanding, and that's such a shame.

 

I haven't yet checked out the link you provided, but I certainly will. Based on what I wrote, and specifically the points I made, if there are any other useful sources for information, I'd greatly appreciate being pointed in that direction. I will reread your post several times, because honestly, it's lucid, objective, experienced and smart...exactly what I need.

 

You took great care to really read my concerns, and specifically address each one, and you sound like you've been there yourself. If there's anything else you think of that would help me address the particular concerns I posted, please let me know.

 

Thanks again!!