Lost and don't want to mess up my life

[cottoncandy3]

I've been semi-dating this guy long distance for over a year now. We were friends for a long time but it was only platonic. We didn't become more so until after he moved away for med school. We planned visits frequently but none ever came through due to finances. He got fed up with it and he suggested I come there and stay awhile. If it worked, I find a job. If not, I go home. I agreed and I'm regretting it.

Last month, I got my stuff ready to give this a test run. He seemed to care about me a lot. But he told me not to and to wait because he was going through a bad case of depression. We spent a lot of time talking. And obviously spent time together as friends. And really hit it off great. Just never got the timing right. But a few red flags came up and I don't know how to proceed.

 

• He lied to me about smoking pot. Something I don't want in a boyfriend. But since he promised not to. And that he was changing.
  
• Found a dating profile on POF that he never actually used. He said he created it in a moment of weakness when he was high. Also lied about this when I first confronted.
  
• Depression. He's always extremely depressed. Refuses to get help. Wants me to help him get better.
  
• Talks to ex girlfriends. I don't know if this is even a red flag but it makes me a little uncomfortable. He talks to them about his issues. Instead of seeing a professional.
  
• Seems selfish and focused on himself. He says things like "I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want to get better. I want to be taken care of". But never says BY YOU. I'm starting to feel like the whole reason he wants me there is to help and feel better. Not because he loves me.
  
• Gets lonely and says things like "I'm lonely because YOU aren't here" not "I miss you" or anything.
  
• Gets a slight temper if I get upset. I said I was upset about the profiles and he said I needed to watch what I was saying.
  
• Doesnt want to come here. Just wants me there. The ultimatum of the fact that if I don't come there soon to stay then its over.
  

I feel like me coming is just about him feeling better and not because he loves me. He always says he does. Last night I told him that I felt like he was just wanting me to come to feel better. And he said "Yeah, it is, among other things".

 

I don't know if these are stupid things or what. Am I looking too much into it? Is he selfish? He's been talking and dedicated to me this whole time. And if he didn't care, he would have left but he hasn't yet.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like things were all good until the fantasy became reality. If you haven't left yet, then stay put. He's obviously a liar, does multiple things that upset you, and shows multiple cases of immaturity. Why again would you want to pick up your life for him? Things won't be any different once you get there and you'll likely find even more that you dislike.

[cottoncandy3]

Sounds like things were all good until the fantasy became reality. If you haven't left yet, then stay put. He's obviously a liar, does multiple things that upset you, and shows multiple cases of immaturity. Why again would you want to pick up your life for him? Things won't be any different once you get there and you'll likely find even more that you dislike.

 

It's weird. It's like I want to take care of him and I want him to be with me. But on paper, there's so many flaws. It's going to kill me when he meets someone else. I don't know how to handle it.

[Philosoraptor]

If you know there are so many flaws that should be a good enough reason to end things and move on to someone you're fully happy with.

 

Jealousy isn't a good reason to commit with someone. Cut all contact and block on every medium possible, and you won't know any information anyways if you end things.

[cottoncandy3]

If you know there are so many flaws that should be a good enough reason to end things and move on to someone you're fully happy with.

 

Jealousy isn't a good reason to commit with someone. Cut all contact and block on every medium possible, and you won't know any information anyways if you end things.

 

I know everyone is imperfect and makes mistakes. But don't know how much you're supposed to bend and put up with.

[Philosoraptor]

You don't have to put up with anything, that's just settling. If you're not happy with someones actions you need to find someone that you are happy with.

 

It's one thing to put up with someone who can't remember to put socks in the hamper, and another to put up with someone who smokes pot, makes dating profiles, talks with ex's, is selfish, and has a temper... when these are things you do not want in a partner.