"I'll pay you back..." Yeah right!

[Appleanche]

My long term bf is KING of not paying me back for items/services that I have paid for for him or that he want's to "go in halves" on. I pay; he rarely volunteers the money back. He puts me in this awkward position of either having to write it off or having to ask for it.

 

The latest big one was a new laptop that "we" bought for my son for his birthday. First off, he claims initially we could purchase one that would perfectly suit his needs for $500 to $600. He does all the research on it because that's more of his expertise than mine. He finds the perfect one, and (not surprisingly) it costs 1k. I have $400 to apply from the sale of his old computer, leaving me with $600 out of pocket. I am still out of pocket, and the last I hear from him several weeks back was 'Oh! I still have to give you money for the computer'.... well? Why should I have to prod him about it? It's so frustrating.

 

He has done this with other things too... a massage for both of us that he arranged. Says he'll reimburse me and never does. Each time she comes over it's $200. He's done this a couple times with these massages. I feel bad asking him for it because I got a massage as well, and it's not that I mind paying for his, but when he arranges it, it's kinda assumed that he's absorbing the cost... am I wrong? I just don't think it's fair to stick me with the bill. How does he know if I can even afford it?

 

He does it with services as well.. I arranged for a friend to do some work for him, and he held the invoice open because the work didn't get completed that day. They were supposed to get together to finish the project but he never made those arrangements, and yet he holds this effing invoice open. My friend finally ends up having to ask me about it, and after some prodding and failed attempts to collect from him, I finally get a check for payment close to a year later. This incident really pissed me off for a number of reasons, only one of which is the money aspect.

 

I am currently in a similar position now for a job my son did for him (for his mother actually) about 2 months ago. For whatever reason he has not paid him, and in his defense I don't know if there has been any effort on my sons part to collect. But now guess who's in the middle? Yeah. I asked him for a check last weekend... he didn't give it to me and I forgot about it. I texted him last night about it to remind him to bring a check when he came over. I asked him for it before he left this morning and wouldn't you know, he had grabbed the wrong checks from home last night and so (not surprisingly) left without leaving payment yet again. He asked me to remind him today so he can bring the right checkbook tonight when he comes, but I'm not holding my breath.

 

I know I kinda put myself in this position for some of these situations, so I guess I need to learn from my mistakes, but is there some easy, non-offensive way to get repayment from him without sounding greedy or desperate? This really frustrates me on a deeper level than just the money, and maybe I should come right out and tell him so, I just don't know...

[serial muse]

Hm, this is kind of worrisome to me. Are you still thinking of moving in with him? Because it's one thing (annoying enough!) when you're talking about massages and computers, but what if he does the same thing when it comes to living expenses? I'd think really carefully about this.

 

Also, asking for him to come through on his promises would never make you greedy or desperate!

[Balzac]

I know I kinda put myself in this position for some of these situations, so I guess I need to learn from my mistakes

 

Hello. Either suck it up to maintain the relationship with a user or cut it off.

This is all on you. Once maybe but you're lying to yourself if you think he's going to pay you back. Now you got your kid playing the game. Not nice.

[Appleanche]

Hm, this is kind of worrisome to me. Are you still thinking of moving in with him? Because it's one thing (annoying enough!) when you're talking about massages and computers, but what if he does the same thing when it comes to living expenses? I'd think really carefully about this.

 

Also, asking for him to come through on his promises would never make you greedy or desperate!

 

I am but I know right now it's just not going to work. I think about it daily and sometimes I actually feel that he's being selfish in his request to have me move in. Maybe that's the wrong way to view it but who's to say that it's all because of love for him? I make his life easier and mine and my sons more difficult, and that's a fact... the love part is questionable. I'm not saying he doesn't love me because I know he does, but moving in without a proposal just isn't sitting right with me.

[Arabella]

Ugh, this situation sounds familiar to me. I once had a live-in boyfriend who was lazy and couldn't hold a job, so he kept needing me to pitch in for things he needed. He always swore he would pay me back when he got a job. Time went by, and we broke up.

 

I got him to sign a notarized loan agreement... and as it turns out, he did get a job a few months ago. So, now he's actually paying me back!

 

My suggestion is that you keep a list of all the things that he owes you money for, and next time he comes over, ask him for a check. If this doesn't work, then sit him down and explain to him how this makes you feel taken advantage of.

 

If he takes offense, then you know what kind of guy he is.

[Appleanche]

Either suck it up to maintain the relationship with a user or cut it off.

This is all on you. Once maybe but you're lying to yourself if you think he's going to pay you back. Now you got your kid playing the game. Not nice.

 

I actually had nothing to do with the arranging of the son my work did for him. They have each others phone numbers and they arranged it.

 

I could just give him the $ and continue prodding my bf for it, but I suspect it will be even harder to get it outta him then. I'm not going to leave my son hanging, but the longer I am dealing with this situation, the more annoyed I get. Right now it's principle, not the money.

[serial muse]

I am but I know right now it's just not going to work. I think about it daily and sometimes I actually feel that he's being selfish in his request to have me move in. Maybe that's the wrong way to view it but who's to say that it's all because of love for him? I make his life easier and mine and my sons more difficult, and that's a fact... the love part is questionable. I'm not saying he doesn't love me because I know he does, but moving in without a proposal just isn't sitting right with me.

 

Is there any chance he wants you to move in to help pay his bills?

 

Because it seems to me that either he's struggling for money or there's some strange passive-aggressive psychodrama situation lurking here. I can't think of a reasonable reason for someone to continually put off paying his debts.

[Appleanche]

I meant to say:

 

I actually had nothing to do with the arranging of the work my son did for him. They have each others phone numbers and they arranged it.

[Balzac]

I actually had nothing to do with the arranging of the son my work did for him. They have each others phone numbers and they arranged it.

 

I could just give him the $ and continue prodding my bf for it, but I suspect it will be even harder to get it outta him then. I'm not going to leave my son hanging, but the longer I am dealing with this situation, the more annoyed I get. Right now it's principle, not the money.

 

Seems to me the best lesson for your son is "logical consequences". He arranged the work he can arrange to collect his pay. At his age I don't think he needs mom overstepping.

[SantistaUSA]

Well I've known guys like this and they will most likely never change! My best female friend (family doctor) dated a loser for FIVE years, he never once worked or helped in anyways and on top of that cheated and just found out tried to kill her once, they are no longer together but she still sends money to him once in a while, he brainwashed her, pisses me off!

 

You are being the enabler here, so if you want to give him a chance, you have to stop paying for him, if he can't pay at the time you can't either, don't listen to his excuses just close your check book!

[Appleanche]

Is there any chance he wants you to move in to help pay his bills?

 

Because it seems to me that either he's struggling for money or there's some strange passive-aggressive psychodrama situation lurking here. I can't think of a reasonable reason for someone to continually put off paying his debts.

 

Yes there is a possibility. It's actually logical enough for him to expect me pay some part, although that really hasn't been discussed in detail. I know I wouldn't have rent, but the rest is kinda up in the air. He did have a roommate who moved out several months ago, so he is now paying for everything on his own. He has mentioned a few times that he may get another roommate, one of his friends. Not only could he use the extra money but he also wouldn't have an empty house to come home to. He has the space for a roommate and as long as it's not someone of questionable character, I'm okay with it and I do understand the benefit for him.

 

I don't think he wants me to move in because he needs help with his bills, but I can't swear to that. I CAN say that me moving in helps him because he wouldn't have to drive the hour to my house anymore... that much I know. He makes good money and has never complained about being broke, but I don't know how tight money is, or IF it even is.

[Phantom888]

Men who can't pay are LOSERS. A fundamental requirement for a man to be in a relationship is for him to be able to afford to date. Dating may be expensive. Poor bums should not date. Women with more money can offer to help pay, but it's the man's responsibility to pay for most of everything. I don't understand why any woman would stay with a WEAKER man. A man who can't financially support the relationship is weak. Simple as that.

 

I am a high-level C-executive for a big company. My woman makes as much as I do. Do I make her pay? Nope. The only time I let her pay is when we go have coffee or if we park somewhere and I don't have $10 cash. She's more than happy to contribute, and I feel good that she has my back during those minor yet significant moments.

[Appleanche]

Seems to me the best lesson for your son is "logical consequences". He arranged the work he can arrange to collect his pay. At his age I don't think he needs mom overstepping.

 

This is true. I think he just figured me asking is easier than him since I am around my bf, but he is an adult and I could just tell him to call the bf himself.

[Balzac]

A guy who has a roommate but doesn't pay you what's owed you has financial problems. Basic fact is he does not know how to handle his finances.

 

If you're not living with him or dependent on him then monies between you two amount to gifting. If you're not happy gifting, it's within your power to stop doing it. This isn't rocket science.

[Appleanche]

Men who can't pay are LOSERS. A fundamental requirement for a man to be in a relationship is for him to be able to afford to date. Dating may be expensive. Poor bums should not date. Women with more money can offer to help pay, but it's the man's responsibility to pay for most of everything. I don't understand why any woman would stay with a WEAKER man. A man who can't financially support the relationship is weak. Simple as that.

 

I am a high-level C-executive for a big company. My woman makes as much as I do. Do I make her pay? Nope. The only time I let her pay is when we go have coffee or if we park somewhere and I don't have $10 cash. She's more than happy to contribute, and I feel good that she has my back during those minor yet significant moments.

 

I agree. That being said, it's not that he doesn't have the money. He DOES, and he pays for plenty. He makes good money, is generous and is perfectly willing to pay for our dinners out, groceries, coffee... whatever. He is plenty giving with his money but terrible at paying me back - this is where my issue is. Him repaying when it's owed. Him stringing it along forever until it's a raw issue or forgotten about. I don't even think he does it intentionally per say, I mean.. I know it's not accidental, but I don't think he's trying to get away with something necessarily. I think he just feels it's no big deal to owe me, and probably doesn't even intend to string me along, but as is his normal routine, he procrastinates and makes everything a non-issue. He follows only his clock. He is literally NEVER punctual, and I can probably roll that right into most areas of his life. He does never gets to my house when he says.. never. He is late everywhere he goes, he puts things off, and is a huge procrastinator. This money issue I have with him probably ties right in, but it directly affects me and I'm not appreciating it.

[Appleanche]

A guy who has a roommate but doesn't pay you what's owed you has financial problems. Basic fact is he does not know how to handle his finances.

 

If you're not living with him or dependent on him then monies between you two amount to gifting. If you're not happy gifting, it's within your power to stop doing it. This isn't rocket science.

 

Sure, and we gift small amounts all the time. He pays for something then I do, and at the end of the day it's basically a wash. That's all fine. I feel like I just get suckered in sometimes. How do I tell him "no I don't want to go in halves with you"? Without sounding like a bitch, how do I tell someone that? And what's my reasoning?

 

It should have been a great present that became affordable only because 2 people were splitting the cost. Maybe he'll surprise me down the road with the cash, but until then I have effectively paid double what I wanted and meanwhile my bf gets credit. And maybe I will have to absorb this yet again, but I'm not sure how to prevent getting myself into another situation like this as there is always another birthday around the corner.

[FitChick]

Whenever he offers to buy or do something simply say, "I can't afford it right now." If he says he will pay, "Oh, honey, that's very sweet of you. It's $80. Do you have the cash on you or do you need to go to the ATM?" Or "Give me your credit card and I'll reserve/prepay..." If he stalls say "It can wait." If he hints you should pay and he will reimburse you, "No, I can't afford it right now. We can do/go some other time then."

 

Do NOT move in with this guy because one day he will "forget" to give you rent money.

 

You are aware of his patterns. You have only yourself to blame from this point on if you tolerate this behavior. Don't get involved in his business dealings with friends.

[RogerWallace111]

I agree. That being said, it's not that he doesn't have the money. He DOES, and he pays for plenty. He makes good money, is generous and is perfectly willing to pay for our dinners out, groceries, coffee... whatever. He is plenty giving with his money but terrible at paying me back

 

Interesting... That being the case I think a lot of the advice/judgement on here may be too rash.

 

Sounds like he's just a flakey dude. It's a bummer but we all know flakes can be perfectly loveable & it's not necessarily a damning flaw. It's frustrating of course, but if you love him & want to be with him, you can only bare with him and gently encourage the changing of his ways. Though as far as any debt to you, just be firm & say "I need all that money you owe me asap, baby. I'm gonna keep bugging you till you get it !" Then bug the **** out of him. No need to be too stern if you don't think he's being intentionally evasive.

Edited July 26, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[clia]

Well, the money from the past may be a wash, but going forward you should change your behavior. Don't go halfsies with him anymore on anything unless he pulls out his share right then and there. Next time he arranges for the massage, pay for yours only. Or when he arranges it, just tell him you can't afford it. Since you know this is his pattern, I don't see why you continue to support this kind of behavior by paying and expecting him to pay you back. Pay for your half, then bat your eyelashes at him and wait for him to pull out his wallet. It'll be uncomfortable for about 30 seconds, but he'll get the idea.

[Appleanche]

My son wanted to come by this weekend and pick up the payment. Well guess who ended up leaving the money? Yeah, that's right: me. Bf did not bring a check and did not have enough money on him, so in order to not string my son along any further, I forked it over. He me said he will just go to the bank and give me the cash, but we are now headed out of town and have yet to stop by any bank. Not likely I'm thinking, but we still have the whole weekend before we part way again, so we'll see. Seriously annoyed.

[FitChick]

So he never heard of an ATM? If he won't stop, tell him you need to get some cash to pay (the hairdresser, sister, paper boy) "And you said you wanted to stop at the bank."

 

What kind of a relationship did this guy have with his ex-wife in terms of money?

[Phantom888]

I agree. That being said, it's not that he doesn't have the money. He DOES, and he pays for plenty. He makes good money, is generous and is perfectly willing to pay for our dinners out, groceries, coffee... whatever. He is plenty giving with his money but terrible at paying me back - this is where my issue is. Him repaying when it's owed. Him stringing it along forever until it's a raw issue or forgotten about. I don't even think he does it intentionally per say, I mean.. I know it's not accidental, but I don't think he's trying to get away with something necessarily. I think he just feels it's no big deal to owe me, and probably doesn't even intend to string me along, but as is his normal routine, he procrastinates and makes everything a non-issue. He follows only his clock. He is literally NEVER punctual, and I can probably roll that right into most areas of his life. He does never gets to my house when he says.. never. He is late everywhere he goes, he puts things off, and is a huge procrastinator. This money issue I have with him probably ties right in, but it directly affects me and I'm not appreciating it.

 

That's worse! If he has the money, makes good money and STILL refuses to pay you back, that's a whole new level of inconsideration and disrespect!

[soccerrprp]

All bad signs and no sign of changing anytime soon, IMHO. I have/had a gf who was leeched off for years and regretted it. Unfortunately, she realized her mistake after it damaged her financially. She is back with the same guy.....or was and nothing had changed. Some people just don't learn....

 

Don't be like "some" people.

[Appleanche]

So he never heard of an ATM? If he won't stop, tell him you need to get some cash to pay (the hairdresser, sister, paper boy) "And you said you wanted to stop at the bank."

 

What kind of a relationship did this guy have with his ex-wife in terms of money?

 

He's never been married. In his last relationship she was somewhat dependent on him. He helped her financially with buying a car and other things. Maybe I should remind him again but it really bothers me that I should have to do that.

[Appleanche]

Ok guys.. apparently I made him out to be this financial user. He actually is a generous person.. he has helped me out too so I don't want him to appear as a total leech because I don't think that's what's going on here. I mean, the end result is the same, yes, but I'm pretty sure this is not him trying to get out of paying for something. It's more like he's trying to get out of paying for something on someone else's terms. That's what really pisses me off.. that he lives by his own timeframe and doesn't seem to feel or care about others' needs when it comes to payment/repayment. He doesn't care about (or maybe understand?) that its crappy to make someone wait around for payment, and that he's being flaky and irresponsible: I truly don't think he has considered this perspective. I know I'm screwing up because I haven't said anything to him about it, I just boil internally instead which is awful and destructive. I could tell him but I'm just not sure how. It's one if those weird positions to be in where for me, it's blatantly obvious that transactions shouldn't be handled this way, so I'm just super aggravated to have to point this out. That's why I was thinking maybe I should just have learned a lesson instead and never put myself in this position again.

 

That's worse! If he has the money, makes good money and STILL refuses to pay you back, that's a whole new level of inconsideration and disrespect!

 

It's this... he's not leeching off me because he doesn't want to pay the money. Yes, it is disrespectful but sadly I don't think he realizes this.