The purpose of this forum

[Lady2163]

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

 

I feel like a hall monitor, but I am surprised at the lack of support and encouragement here that I'm seeing. I'm also seeing a whole lot of betrayed spouses here.

 

Loveshack does go on to define support that does not always mean advocacy.

 

First: no matter how descriptive you are, nobody on here is going to FULLY know the whole story. Each affair has its individuality, although many, many situations and incidents during the affair smack of similarity to others.

 

Example 1: in one post someone was talking about communication and it always has to be on the married persons terms and times. If I had posted that more often than not, I block my number and make the call when I have time, invariably someone would have assumed I'm an idiot..."Oh, thats not smart, if his wife checks his call logs and sees all the RESTRICTED calls he will be busted". Well, since he gets a dozen restricted calls a day because of his work, one more doesn't really matter now, does it?

 

Example 2: I made a comment that I'd had a very nice two-month relationship with a single guy and it was progressing. Then he got back with his ex-girlfriend. Immediately someone implies that he never stopped seeing her. Well, yes sunshine, he did. I gave the shortened version of the story. It was a girlfriend from 10 years or so ago. They broke up, she got married and moved across the country, had kids. Her marriage ended, she moved back to town. She didn't have his address, email or phone number. She went to his work and they had lunch together. A week later he told me this was the love of his life and the one that got away. He needed to pursue things with her. Someone else will probably tell me he slept with her before breaking up with me. I suppose it's possible, but not probable. Me saying that won't be good enough. Okay, they had lunch together on Tuesday. After work he went home and packed. He came over to my place that night and I drove him to the airport early the next morning. He was gone until Sunday. I picked him up at the airport and I was at his place until late. Monday I did drop by unexpectedly with lunch. He broke up with me Tuesday. I suppose its possible Monday after he got off work she got a babysitter and they had sex. He did sound out of breath when I called...

 

But, hopefully people get the idea of not knowing the whole story from the examples.

 

We, as the others need to give unconditional support to each other. So often, we are the slime of the relationship. We are the ones who seduced the married one away and just dangled temptation they couldn't humanly resist.

 

Puh-leese.

 

Personally, I don't see the logic of no contact, particularly if there hasn't been a dday. But I'm not going on other people's posts criticizing them for being cruel and inhumane. For their relationship, for their own health it isn't cruel. I'm telling them to hang in there and it will get better.

 

This is longer than I expected. I'm going to make another topic for betrayed spouses.

[findingnemo]

Lady,

 

What you say is true. It takes a while for the full story to get written, if ever. But people will react to what they are told and can't be expected to assume things. If a poster has a genuine question, then shouldn't they try to be clear about the details?

 

I'm beginning to post more on another forum and I still find it hard to say what I want however anonymous it is. The only way I will ever get answers to my questions is if I ask them and give enough context for a poster to be able to give an informed opinion.

 

Unconditional love for OWs/OMs? I don't have unconditional love for anybody on the Internet and most likely not for almost all human beings. I reserve that for my children, my parents and my siblings. What OWs/OMs need is tough love, real love, love that has 20/20 vision, feet-on-the-ground kind of love. They need a hands-off kind of love that only strangers can give. Where there is no clouding of issues because of personal perceptions, known history or the kind of things that bias people in our social circles.

[Pierre]

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

 

I feel like a hall monitor, but I am surprised at the lack of support and encouragement here that I'm seeing. I'm also seeing a whole lot of betrayed spouses here.

 

Loveshack does go on to define support that does not always mean advocacy.

 

First: no matter how descriptive you are, nobody on here is going to FULLY know the whole story. Each affair has its individuality, although many, many situations and incidents during the affair smack of similarity to others.

 

Example 1: in one post someone was talking about communication and it always has to be on the married persons terms and times. If I had posted that more often than not, I block my number and make the call when I have time, invariably someone would have assumed I'm an idiot..."Oh, thats not smart, if his wife checks his call logs and sees all the RESTRICTED calls he will be busted". Well, since he gets a dozen restricted calls a day because of his work, one more doesn't really matter now, does it?

 

Example 2: I made a comment that I'd had a very nice two-month relationship with a single guy and it was progressing. Then he got back with his ex-girlfriend. Immediately someone implies that he never stopped seeing her. Well, yes sunshine, he did. I gave the shortened version of the story. It was a girlfriend from 10 years or so ago. They broke up, she got married and moved across the country, had kids. Her marriage ended, she moved back to town. She didn't have his address, email or phone number. She went to his work and they had lunch together. A week later he told me this was the love of his life and the one that got away. He needed to pursue things with her. Someone else will probably tell me he slept with her before breaking up with me. I suppose it's possible, but not probable. Me saying that won't be good enough. Okay, they had lunch together on Tuesday. After work he went home and packed. He came over to my place that night and I drove him to the airport early the next morning. He was gone until Sunday. I picked him up at the airport and I was at his place until late. Monday I did drop by unexpectedly with lunch. He broke up with me Tuesday. I suppose its possible Monday after he got off work she got a babysitter and they had sex. He did sound out of breath when I called...

 

But, hopefully people get the idea of not knowing the whole story from the examples.

 

We, as the others need to give unconditional support to each other. So often, we are the slime of the relationship. We are the ones who seduced the married one away and just dangled temptation they couldn't humanly resist.

 

Puh-leese.

 

Personally, I don't see the logic of no contact, particularly if there hasn't been a dday. But I'm not going on other people's posts criticizing them for being cruel and inhumane. For their relationship, for their own health it isn't cruel. I'm telling them to hang in there and it will get better.

 

This is longer than I expected. I'm going to make another topic for betrayed spouses.

 

Guilty as charged:

 

 

If you state I dated a guy for two months and it ended because he went back to his GF there is the possibility they were not truly done and he was seeing you on the side.

 

I simply try to help and I am in a happy marriage. I do seem to be harsh because my sugar coating abilities are limited. But, in the end I simply analyze the written words, there is no way for me to see beyond the written words.

 

I understand why some want reassurance and affirmation, but that must be sprinkled with a bit of reality.

 

 

Lastly, I believe that the overwhelming majority of those in EMRs are rather innocent, in fact many are rather naive and easy to mislead.

 

In my book you are OK, you seem like an amazing woman, but you need to move on. IMHO, that is the best advice I can give you. Providing positive feedback so you can enhance the marriage of your OM may sound beneficial, but in the end it will hurt you more. You are supplementing the marriage of this guy.

 

 

You need to concentrate on a local single guy rather than a sporadic OM more than 5 hours away. If you think that is bad advice, I cannot do any better.

[Betterthanthis13]

I use this forum for support, and have gotten plenty of it from BS, AP's and WS's, as well as people who have never experienced infidelity, people who were never married, etc etc. I also use LS to learn and grow as a person by discussing ideas with people who have different opinions and experiences from me. I try to be respectful in my posts. If I just wanted people to agree with me and tell me everything is ok and make me feel better, I wouldn't be on an online forum with strangers- I would hire an actor to come over my house and talk to me and just agree with everything I say, and tell me how awesome I am.

 

I welcome challenges to my thoughts on my posts so that I can gain new perspectives. I'm sorry you aren't enjoying your experience on LS, but if you really don't like someone's opinion or suggestion, you can ignore them with the ignore button. My experience has been that the other posters have good intentions and are genuinely trying to help each other.

 

I do empathize with your current situation, and I hope LS can help you get through this tough time in your life- it's been extremely helpful to me, I have learned a lot in the 6 weeks or so I've been posting on here, and I know I still have a lot more to learn. I look forward to coming on here each day and I hope after spending a little time on here, you end up getting something positive and helpful out of your experience as well.

[threelaurels]

Anyone can post here as long as they follow the TOS. It's the responsibility of the mods to decide what does and does not belong here.

 

I have never been married or involved with a married person and I post here. I try to be supportive, but I don't treat people with kid gloves. I believe in tough love. Providing people with validation and only what they want to hear is not true support at all.

 

With all due respect, you only joined the site yesterday. Maybe you should take some time to get a feel for the posters here before rushing to judgement. There are a wide variety of people who post here--current APs, former APs, WSs, BSs, and even people who were affected by affairs in their family. We all have our own reasons for being here, and it's not the place of others to question that reason. If the mods see something they think is inappropriate, they'll handle it.

[Lady2163]

I said unconditional support, not love.

 

Nope, I don't know who all the BS are.

 

Yup, I've only been here one day.

 

But, I've read several pages of posts. I've read a ton of posts from people saying, "end it now.". And yes, I've had a few who don't like my opinions.

 

This is a forum meant for the other person. Betrayed spouses, you have oodles of forums to offer you sympathy and empathy. Society supports you, friends worth a damn support you, family supports you. There are loads of books that remind you of how innocent you were in the whole process.

 

You are hurting...and well, betrayed.

 

And this is where I speak in the stereotype of other women, apologies to the other men here.

 

There are women who are tormented and hurting here. They are on the other side of the fence. Their reality has been rocked and they are left alone. Maybe there was a dday, maybe there wasn't. But many are no longer with their married men who promised them a future. Do you think it is beneficial to tell them, " you knew what you were getting into," or words to the effect, "this is what you deserve."

 

And, "why are you doing this even though you know what the consequences will be?"

 

I'm about to make a change in a long time relationship with a married man. It's going to take a lot of self-control on my part. I'm going to stop being physical with him. Only he doesn't know it. We are long distance, he's a workaholic, it may take him months to figure out I haven't asked if our schedules are in sync. I may even lie to him about my work schedule.

 

And I'm worried.

 

The other women on the board can relate. Many of the betrayed spouses *seem* to be expressing the opinion through written word, "No, not good enough, sever all contact, grovel like the home wrecker you are, be miserable, let us delight in your misery, give us your pound of flesh...oh, and it's okay if our adult children as total strangers contact you and rip you a new one, because you deserve it."

 

Now, that's probably going overboard A LOT.

 

The other women on the board know that I am making a self sacrifice and it's going to be brutal as I reset my life. They know that for the first time in years, I'm doing something honorable by him. I'm doing it because I don't want his life destroyed...because of us (not just me, but us). Pierre will tell you it's because I love him, I'm not wholly convinced I do. But in this instance, I care about his well-being more than mine.

 

But I have to tell the betrayed spouses of this board, I'm never going to make you happy, because I'm not going to apologize for the relationship. I've been pretty damn content.

 

I'd have a lot more considerstion for the betrayed spouse, if you were to make your own post...'I'm a betrayed spouse and I have questions...' You may not like all the answers, you probably won't like my answers, and this could be the first time you don't get the unconditional support you've had from friends, co-workers, family etc. Yes, some men are absolutes dogs and total cads, but are you 100% certain you had nothing to do even in the slightest with his stepping out?

 

Other betrayed spouses probably won't ask that or point out what you may have inadvertently done.

[2sure]

And....you just joined this site exactly one day ago. Curious how you know who all these BS are. I've been here for a few years and still don't know where everyone stands as far as BS/WS/AP. Hmmmmmmm...

 

Me neither! But really OP the alert buttons and ignore buttons as well as the moderators are there for a reason. Unconditional support probably isn't going to happen on this forum. It might be something to suggest that the forums for OW and BS be off limits to each other if that's what you are looking for? I think there are other forums for that sort of conversation. Also, you wouldn't then be able to post in both like you mentioned.

 

No need for you to be the forum police , why would you want to? It's just an anonymous forum , there is absolutely no need to give so much detail that you are defending yourself. Just ignore. If you know who the BS are, ignore all of them. I ignore...maybe 10 people at a time. Trolls if they persist , people who are contradictory for the sake of it, those that like to hear themselves talk.

[Pierre]

There are women who are tormented and hurting here. They are on the other side of the fence. Their reality has been rocked and they are left alone. Maybe there was a dday, maybe there wasn't. But many are no longer with their married men who promised them a future. Do you think it is beneficial to tell them, " you knew what you were getting into," or words to the effect, "this is what you deserve."

 

And, "why are you doing this even though you know what the consequences will be?"

 

I agree with the above. Some posters that have been recently betrayed are way too harsh. They even forget that most OWs have actually been betrayed in the past too. IMHO. most OWs here have huge hearts and all I see are innocent and naive women that are manipulated by clever cunning men.

 

 

yes, there are a few OWs that are pro EMR. but most of the hurting OWs in this forum give excellent advice to the newbies that are about to make the same mistake they made.

 

 

I'm about to make a change in a long time relationship with a married man. It's going to take a lot of self-control on my part.

 

The other women on the board know that I am making a self sacrifice and it's going to be brutal as I reset my life. They know that for the first time in years, I'm doing something honorable by him. I'm doing it because I don't want his life destroyed...because of us (not just me, but us). Pierre will tell you it's because I love him, I'm not wholly convinced I do. But in this instance, I care about his well-being more than mine.

 

Shoot me, but your posts suggest you love this guy. And this will be difficult for you. If you did not love this guy it would be a cakewalk, not even an issue.

 

But I have to tell the betrayed spouses of this board, I'm never going to make you happy, because I'm not going to apologize for the relationship. I've been pretty damn content.

 

OK, here it goes. Put your seat belt on:

 

 

Most OW are unhappy despite having found the ideal man and the best sex in the planet. Just read around the forum. Once the initial thrill wears off they become unhappy. I think you are rationalizing. And I also believe that for your own sake it would be best to go 100% NC.

 

And this advice has nothing to do with trying to be hurtful to you. This is done to help you get to the other side (as you are trying to do).

[MissBee]

 

This thread is bizarre coming from a new user....it's like me going to a place for the first time and then trying to tell them all about what I think they should do differently after being there for 5 minutes.

 

Lady: you like LS or you don't. Why did you choose to sign up? Did you browse before signing up? Did you not see the tone of LS and the general posts prior to posting yourself? Do you think you will change anything here?

 

You said you don't know who the BSs are yet your posts singles BSs out as saying xyz...if you don't know who they are, how do you know it's a BS and not a former OW or other person who's never been in an affair before who's saying that?

 

If you're new...maybe you shouldn't be trying to go on a crusade just yet. OW come and go, BSs come and go, OM come and go less frequently, and WSs as well...some people like it here, some don't. You can't join for one day and then decide to speak for all OW. Many OW have been here for years and many have transitioned to no longer being in the A and some to an open R...clearly LS is doing something right if it continues to get members and if the forum isn't echoing with no posts. It cannot suit everyone, so you like it or you don't.

[Steadfast]

One day? You're writing this diatribe on a little reading and after joining one day? Obviously you have a HUGE agenda. But, to be fair when a-hole cheaters stop posting their selfish justification and blame-shifting elsewhere, those NOT sleeping with another persons spouse might also...

 

But I have to tell the betrayed spouses of this board, I'm never going to make you happy, because I'm not going to apologize for the relationship. I've been pretty damn content.

 

Expected. Content...at the expense of innocent women and children.

 

...but are you 100% certain you had nothing to do even in the slightest with his stepping out?

 

You're right. In my case I paid for the car she drove and bought the gas she burned to meet him after lying to me about visiting her sister. I did it.

 

I think you need to pay some dues, get to know the posters and spool up some fresh material before posting much more. That's my take. FWIW-

[Pierre]

Me neither! But really OP the alert buttons and ignore buttons as well as the moderators are there for a reason. Unconditional support probably isn't going to happen on this forum. It might be something to suggest that the forums for OW and BS be off limits to each other if that's what you are looking for? I think there are other forums for that sort of conversation. Also, you wouldn't then be able to post in both like you mentioned.

 

No need for you to be the forum police , why would you want to? It's just an anonymous forum , there is absolutely no need to give so much detail that you are defending yourself. Just ignore. If you know who the BS are, ignore all of them. I ignore...maybe 10 people at a time. Trolls if they persist , people who are contradictory for the sake of it, those that like to hear themselves talk.

 

 

 

I agree with your post again, very good solid advice.

 

You have the best Avatar ever.

[Lady2163]

Yup, steadfast, big help. Great job just proving my point.

 

Now...as politely as possible...buzz off.

 

Oh...wait an ignore button. Got it!

 

I've been on other forums, first time on this one. It was the most active one I found.

 

Yes, I do have an agenda. I'm about to do the right thing and I want some support.

[Owl]

If you don't find this forum suits your needs, I'd respectfully suggest that you continue on to try to find one that does, rather than to demand that this one change to suit you.

 

You can't change others...you can only change yourself.

[Lady2163]

Oh, I think it can do what I'm expecting it to do.

 

There's just an awful lot of betrayed spouses (and it may be very recent and fresh) who must feel vindicated lashing out at anonymous others.

[Owl]

Oh, I think it can do what I'm expecting it to do.

 

There's just an awful lot of betrayed spouses (and it may be very recent and fresh) who must feel vindicated lashing out at anonymous others.

 

But...YOU don't get to decide who has the right to post here or not.

 

Nor do I.

 

All you can actually do is report the posts that you feel are in violation of Loveshack's Terms of Service (TOS)...which are the rules for participation here...and let the moderators take action or not as they believe is correct.

 

If you don't like what someone's got to say...but the moderation team doesn't feel their post violates the TOS...all you can do is put them on ignore.

 

That's it. That's the extent of 'policing' to which any of us are capable of. You, me, whomever.

 

Any attempt to do more than that usually results in being moderated by the site staff...take it from someone who's had his own share of infractions.

[William]

As discussions about forum operations and politics are disallowed, and off-topic for this forum, as it is to discuss specific issues of people who find themselves involved with a committed partner, the thread is closed and future iterations will be met with stronger action. Thanks.