Controlling husband

[confusedkat]

Hi. I have posted before, with my indecision as to where my marriage is going. I have committed to do all I can, so that if I do, somewhere down the road, decide to end it, I can do it knowing I did all I can. At this point everything I do is with the plan that we will stay together. Long past to my marriage, so I won't get into that on this thread. My problem is that my husband is controlling. I have decided to return to school for a nursing degree. I have a BA in Adult Education, but have always felt that nursing was my calling. So, I have finally decided to do it. During a very bad point in my marriage not too long ago, I confessed to my husband that a nursing degree would give me more options, and allow me to be away from him (I said that to be hurtful). Now, that we have committed to trying to make things work, he said today that my going back just gives me incentive or options to make the marriage not work. I am home almost fulltime, working only 12 hours on the weekends. I know deep down he gets a sense of security knowing I am home, not around others, and dependant on him financially. I am disgusted that he could even tellme that it is not good because it gives me options. I mean, shouldn't I be married to him because I want to, not because I am trapped financially? Does this sound controlling? Or am I being too hard on him? I really am trying to make the marriage work, and hope that it does...but I also realize that there are no guarantees in life and if I remain as unhappy as I have been, I won't stay forever. But like I said, right now I give it all that I can and live under the assumption I will be here forever with him. He also said that because I went outside our marriage for emotional support (emotional infidelity, but not physical), that he fears I will get attached to the people I am around if I am a nurse. Not even just in a romantic nature but just attached emotionally and close to others. I have told him that I do need other people, people close to me that I can talk to, that he can't be everything to me. He seems to understand this sometimes. His controlling nature makes it so hard to wnat to make this work. As it is, I am almost forcing myself to try to get some feelings back. I have a little love left and a small glimmer of hope, but we really let things get bad between us. Our biggest problem is communication. Am I wrong in wanting to go back to school, am I wrong in needing other people to talk to and confide in on a different level than I do with my husband? He is emotioally distant and simple (very smart, but everything is black and white to him) where I am very complex and need the eternal analyzation of life and who and what I am. He admitted he does not have the innate connection with me that I have found outside of our marriage in the past. But asked, also if it the end result is less meaningful if I need to explain myself more to him instead of it being a natural thing. An I looking for reasons to not be happy with him?

[Moose]

Do you have children at home? I like the idea that my wife is a stay at home mom. That my children are getting full attention from her and not a Nanny. But I don't expect her to stay at home all the friggin' time!! She has activities she goes to a couple times a week and she volunteers at the local school. And she has a girl's night out 2 times a month.

 

Your husband is being unreasonable unless you gave him a reason to not trust you outside the home. If that's the case then it's going to take a lot for him to trust you again. I think it's great that you're wanting to do something with you life. My wife wants to eventually, ( Once the kids are out of the house ), and I gaurentee you that I will stand beside her 110% in whatever she decides to do.

 

Can you give us more information? Like kids and their ages, were you ever unfaithfull, was he ever unfaithful......

[confusedkat]

Well, I'll try to give you the short version of a long story. We have been married 8 years. We have two children, a 7 year old son and an almost 5 year old daughter. My husband was not very emotionally bought into the marriage until a few years back. I am more emotional. He had some "secret" friendships with women (claims nothing physical, just emails and phone conversations) over the years(right at the beginning when we had first gotten married and I was pregnant, during the first year) and after learning to not rely on him for emotional support, I turned outside our marriage for the first time last year. Again, only on an emotional level. He found out, and I basically begged his forgiveness and we have been trying to move on. In the meantime, I came across another "secret" friendship that was happening at the same time he was reprimanding me for having male friends that I turned to. I truly believe there has been no physical infidelity on his end and know it has only been emotional on my end. Anyway, over the past 6 months, we have been trying to work at our marriage. My husband is an awesome provider and a good father. He has tried to be a better husband over the past few years, but admitedly, I haven't been as receptive as I should because I learned to not need him in that type of way. So, anyway, we are facing this big uphill battle. Our marriage has been rocky for a long time. I believe being home with children is a blessing and am fortunate I can be, although it can be hard. I do go out every once in a while with the girls and work 12 hours a week, which I feel like is my "adult" time. I realize it took two of us to get to this point in our marriage. So, yes and no, I guess I have gone outside our marriage, so he does have some reason to distrust me. But he had been distrustful long before I turned to someone else emotionally. I think, partially because he has always had a guilty conscience for hiding his female friendships from me. He has always commented if my shirt was a little too low cut, hated it when I spoke to other men at neighborhood barbecues, or if I interacted with other men at work. He has been jealous long before we even got married, or even became serious during our dating.

 

So, we have taken divorce off the table...I have stopped confiding in my friend and he says he has cut off his friendship with the girl he used to work with. I feel like whether we make this marriage work or not, another degree can only help me. I love being home, but it can be hard to give up all the other things that go along with working. While I live with the assumption we will make this work, I also believe that feeling like I have some control will help me all the way around, with or without him. So, I hope that sheds some more light on my situation. Obviously, there is much more to the story, but this is the shorter version.

[Moose]

In that case. I can suggest something that might help. First off, is he willing to watch the kids while you persue your career? If not, you'll need to make arrangements to remedy that. Second, I can tell from reading your posts that the main problem here.....and this is just an opinion, is lack of communication. And I get this feeling that it's only because whenever you two do try to talk to each other, it winds up a knock down, drag out, FIGHT.

 

Am I right so far?

[confusedkat]

Funny you say that. That is exactly what I told him our problem is. Our communication is horrible, for a number of reasons. And anyone who is or has been married knows that if your communication breaksdown, all the other stuff comes crumbling down also, and that is what has made us vulnerable to all the other stuff that has happened in our marriage. SO, yes, you are 100% right. He is willing to play caretaker while I go to school. He has always been good about that. I work 12 hours on the weekends, and I think it is actually good for him to have that alone time with the kids. But the communication thing has put a huge wedge between us that we are trying to remedy. Hoping we can find our way back, but I have my moments of thinking we'd be better off apart. But, we have two children that we are completely in love with, so that provides incentive to do all we can.

 

Yes, it is always a horrible fight when we try to communicate. Communication is what led me to my "friend" and the ease of communication with my friend is what made me drift further from my husband. Again, I know in my heart that just because something is innate with someone, doesn't mean it is less meaningful if it is not innate with my husband. We just need to work harder than I have had to with other people in my life. But you hit the nail on the head. Very perceptive. How long have you been married and how old are your children? You seem, from your words and perception, to really have a handle on your relationship.

[Ladyjane14]

Are you two going for counseling, Kat? It sounds like you need it to help you solve the communications and control problems. At mimimum consider buying some books on the subject.

 

I confessed to my husband that a nursing degree would give me more options, and allow me to be away from him (I said that to be hurtful)

 

I think you should go your nursing degree. You'll be resentful down the road if you don't. You'll have to reassure him that you're not doing it for the reasons you gave him above. You've taken divorce 'off the table'. So, remind him that you're fully committed to the marriage. B

 

eing married doesn't mean that we have to give up our dreams and ambitions for ourselves. It's not reasonable to expect that. Wouldn't you be willing to support him while he fulfills one of his personal goals?

[confusedkat]

He said last night that yes, he would support me and thathe was sorry for what he said. The hard part is that he is very controlling and jealous. When I worked fulltime, while we were dating, he was very jealous of any interaction I had with men.

 

We do need counselling and I have to just make the phone call. I did pick up "Relationshiip Rescue" after you suggested it and my best friend recommended it, too. But we deifinitely need counselling, for both of our communication issues and his jealousy and controlling personality. I wish he understood that if he had been more supportive and encouraging when we talked about me going back to school, that that would have more positive impact than wanting me to have "one less reason to make the marriage work"...(i.e. at least if I wasn't financially capable, he would be more assured I couldn't leave).

 

Anyway, his controlling nature has also become an issue with our children. After the argument about the nursing degree yesterday, there was the usual battle at bedtime with the kids. Particularly the younger....she hates to go to bed with him and he gets angry, ends up telling her to "shut up so that mommy can't hear you scream or else I'll take you in the basement so no one can hear you". For a long time he felt children didn't deserve apologies because parents deserve respect no matter what (his parents are old fashioned italian, and unconditional respect was a huge thing for him as a child...his parents weren't very into equality when it came to kids...although I understand that parents need to maintain control, but I don't like to have our children feel they have no impact on decisions or actions-not refererring to the bed time battle), and he often is so stubborn in his demands with the children, that he ends up losing the lesson he is trying to teach them because it becomes a battle of the wills. So consequently, his relationship with our 5 year old daughter is not very good...

[Ladyjane14]

My husband does the same thing with the kids. It really puts you in a bad position, because when you disagree on parenting you are not effectively putting together a 'united front'. The marital relationship then becomes adversarial, because you are forced to side with the children when their father is being unfair with them.

 

My husband always feels guilty after losing his cool with them, and then overcompensates, or becomes defensive. I am trying to get him more involved with day-to-day caregiving and doing activities with them that he] enjoys. I'm also trying to 'butt-out' of his relationship with them, unless he goes over-the-top, in which case I will intercede.

 

I'll have to keep you posted on how that's working....the jury is still out!

 

Go ahead and get that counseling started. It helped us alot when we went. At the least, it helps you to know that you're both working on the problems. You know, even though I read some books on relationships, my husband never picked up one! I don't think it was that he didn't care. He needed 'face-time' with the counselor.

 

[confusedkat]

Thanks for always putting a positive spin on things. I get very discouraged sometimes, and still have my doubts if we can make this work long term. But we are only human and all I can do is try my hardest. Right?

[Moose]

K, Now that I know that I was right, here's what I suggest, and feel free to copy and paste this for hubby to read and understand:

 

"Discussion Ball"

 

1. Set up a day, totally dedicated to discussion time with your significant other.

 

a. Make it during the day.

b. Try to have children, if any, at the sitters and out of ear shot.

c. Have lunch planned ahead of time, delivered if possible.

 

2. Find a ball, stuffed toy, pillow, or anything soft that won't cause damage if thrown. This will be your, "Discussion ball".

 

3. Flip a coin to decide who goes first.

 

a. For first timers, whoever initiates the discussion goes first.

b. Plan for monthly, bi-monthly, or quarterly, "Discussion ball", discussions.

 

4. Whoever goes first, holds the, "Discussion Ball" and therefore holds the table.

 

a. The other person is not allowed to say anything.

b. The other person is not allowed to interrupt.

c. The other person is not allowed to grunt, clear throat, or correct the holder of the, "Discussion Ball".

 

5. Once the, "Discussion Ball", holder is finished making their point, the ball is passed to the other person.

 

a. Responses are allowed a 2 minute rebuttal. (Keep a timer)

b. After rebuttal, responder can bring up a new issue.

 

6. Repeat until both parties feel satisfied with the, "Discussion Ball", discussion.

 

a. Take breaks when neccessary to avoid stress and comments made out of anger.

b. Never allow, "Discussion Ball", discussion go into the evening hours.

c. Each participant is to keep a notebook to write down areas of improvement suggested by their significant other.

 

7. Part from each other for at least 2 hours for personal reflection.

 

a. Keep your notebook with you to write down your thoughts.

b. Write down foreseen problems you may encounter in your area of improvement.

c. Make a plan to knock down obsticales in your way of accomplishing area of improvement.

 

8. Do something unexpected and kind for your significant other.

 

But you hit the nail on the head. Very perceptive. How long have you been married and how old are your children?

 

17 years December, 12th...ummm, 16, 15, 12, 9, 6. First three boys, last two, princesses.

 

Always remember, it's going to take 100% from the both of you.

 

Good luck!

[confusedkat]

Thanks for the advice and input! Anyone that can work through tough times for 17 years has to know a thing or two!

 

Have to take my little "princess" to preschool! I will look over this post a little closer in a bit! I appreciate you taking the time to help me...or suggest ideas!

[Ladyjane14]

OMG, I just saw this post on another thread. We have SO MANY similarities in our situations!

 

Originally posted by ConfusedKat my husband and I also have been sleeping seperately for years. I know how hard that is. What a loss of intimacy that is. I sleep with my children most nights. Sex has been maintenance on my end for years.

 

I was also sleeping in another room. I moved back in to the marital bed, and have not been sorry. Working on the sexual aspect of the relationship has been...um...rewarding.

 

[confusedkat]

I am trying hard not to make you my blueprint! And as many times as I feel like giving up, looking for a new life, I know deep down I need to try. And your story gives me some hope. I can't imagine enjoying sex again with my husband! Thanks for remaining an inspiration to me! Funny, I guess we all feel so individual and alone, but seems that there is always someone else going through something similar.