Jealous that my BF is hanging out with his bestfriend he had sex with

[tianab]

Before my BF and I were together he slept with his best friend and I can't get over it. He usually never hangs out with her anymore so it didn't bother me. But now he is working with her and it's really bothering me. They work nights together and can pretty much hang out alone whenever they want. It just really bothers me. I know he would never cheat on me, but him just being around her when they've had sex and other stuff bothers me. It's like they know each other better or have better experiences/more fun.

 

We've been together for a year and a half. When we first got together his past really bothered me because he had been with a lot of people but would only hook up with friends or girlfriends. So I didn't know which friends he had done stuff with and which he hadn't. It bothered me because we weren't doing anything and I didn't like him being around people that he had gone way further with. I told him how I felt once or twice, but didn't expect him to stop hanging out with them or something. I just want the jealousy to go away.

 

We've had sex now but we haven't done that much in terms of being adventurous/trying new things. He's done way more with other people so it bothers me. Things like 3 somes, anal, tying up, sex in different places. But we don't because I was raped in the past and need to go slower. He's fine with it, but I still get jealous that he's done more/been more adventurous with other people (his friends/ex's).

[Miss_Contemplating]

Well, it's his best friend and he had sex with her. He might still think she is just a friend. But I don't know how can you not feel threatened like it was his ex - in your mind she's basically his ex that's hanging around. And a legitimate question would be if he had sex with her, and she's still his best friend, then why don't they just hook up? Okay, I am not making things better now. But that sort of questions is what you should ask him, so you can understand him better, and trust him more, and get rid of your jealousy. Good luck!

[Keke1]

Before my BF and I were together he slept with his best friend and I can't get over it. He usually never hangs out with her anymore so it didn't bother me. But now he is working with her and it's really bothering me. They work nights together and can pretty much hang out alone whenever they want. It just really bothers me. I know he would never cheat on me, but him just being around her when they've had sex and other stuff bothers me. It's like they know each other better or have better experiences/more fun.

 

We've been together for a year and a half. When we first got together his past really bothered me because he had been with a lot of people but would only hook up with friends or girlfriends. So I didn't know which friends he had done stuff with and which he hadn't. It bothered me because we weren't doing anything and I didn't like him being around people that he had gone way further with. I told him how I felt once or twice, but didn't expect him to stop hanging out with them or something. I just want the jealousy to go away.

 

We've had sex now but we haven't done that much in terms of being adventurous/trying new things. He's done way more with other people so it bothers me. Things like 3 somes, anal, tying up, sex in different places. But we don't because I was raped in the past and need to go slower. He's fine with it, but I still get jealous that he's done more/been more adventurous with other people (his friends/ex's).

Naw you don't. Its the real reason why you're worried I'm betting. You have to trust him till he gives you a reason not to. If it were me I'd be the same way but I wouldn't stand for it. The thing about that is if you make him stop resentment may kick in and the problem would explode. Talk to him and watch his actions

[The Way I Am]

When we first got together his past really bothered me because he had been with a lot of people but would only hook up with friends or girlfriends. So I didn't know which friends he had done stuff with and which he hadn't.

 

So are you saying in addition to this best friend you know he slept with, he also has multiple other friends that he's slept with, and you don't know which ones they are?

[Clockwork]

Just my two cents, if you have been with him a year and a half that is a major issue that you aren't each other's best friends. If you aren't best friends with your boyfriend/girlfriend after that time, then when will you be?

 

Yes, you have reason to be concerned.

[radiodarcy]

I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with the idea of him being friendly with her. I was dating someone who used to brag all the time about hooking up with female friends; it made me feel insecure and paranoid. Eventually he dumped me but still wanted to be friends.

 

I declined because thy that time he was already in another relationship. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't feel appropriate maintaining a friendship with a guy I've been physical with - - especially if he's moved onto someone else. It creates unnecessary tension and potential drama; and worse invites comparison. I'd prefer to act on the treat-others-how-you-would-like to be treated philosophy and leave it at that.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Even before marriage or cohabitation, if you're his girlfriend, that is exclusive, giving up the opportunity to date other and continually coordinating your free time with him, then that means you are giving up more to him than any of hi female "friends." Ergo, you are not being jealous, you are exercising a reasonable concern about the investment that you are making in this relationship.

 

At this point in my life, a guy who must have "close" contact with other women would not be suitable as a partner for me.

[PerLe]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3-4months, he was working overseas but he is now came back for good. We are not friends on facebook...so this other day I checked his facebook and I saw that he tagged this other girl, I then let it go...then the following day I checked again and I found that da girl changed her profile pictures and she posted another one which I recognized the background that she took it I'm my boyfriend's place, she was even wearing his shades. I then asked my boyfriend that who is she and what was she doing at his place?. He then told me that she is his friend from high school, it wasn't only the two of them in da house...they were with his friends and she only took a picture when they were leaving. The other thing is that this girl she only started commenting on his wall the past few days. But since we not staying together am having some thoughts that he might be cheating. I know his friends, but he never mention this gal. So guys please help me out, we were fighting about this issue...maybe am just too much

 

 

In addition, He doesn't wanna spend his Friday nights and saturday nights with me...he sayings that when he is drunk he can't behave himself, so he doesn't want me to get irritated.

[IAmRobot]

I know he would never cheat on me.

 

Do you think anyone who got cheated on thought that the other person would cheat on them???

 

The sole term "cheat" means a person is cheating and therefore not being straight up with you. Hence what you think you know isn't relevant.

 

Not saying that your bf is cheating in anyway, but you need to make it clear to him that this is bothering you and see what he does. If he at least tries to make things better, even by a bit, then you shouldn't worry IMO.

 

Said that, I wouldn't just straight up request him to not see his best friend. At the end of the day, she has and will have a part in his life. Are you going to be OK with it? Idk. I know I wouldn't if my gf did the same, but on the other hand I have best friends who I've slept with before....

 

It's dicey.

[Keenly]

Hahaha. Good one.

 

 

Oh, wait, you were serious?

 

It looks like he's got the experience and plenty of opportunity. A huge % of people in committed relationships cheat. You are sincerely naive if you are banking on that statement.

 

A year and a half relationship, huh? How good is his job that he can't change it for you?

 

Changing your job because your SO is uncomfortable with who you work with ? That sounds a little outrageous. Look OP,if you are feeling really insecure, and you can't handle your insecurities, break up with him. Its really that simple. Don't try to tell him what to do , don't tell him to get a new job or who he can hang out with . Either leave or get over it. Those are your options .

[mammasita]

Call me old school, ignorant, unfair, misinformed......whatever....but never ever ever EVER have I liked or been a part of a relationship with a man whose best friend was a woman.

 

GTFOH with that ****.

[emva07]

What Keenly said, losing a job is pretty big in today's economy. Don't ask for that. But if it bothers you to the point that that is the only solution, know that 1) it ain't gonna happen and 2) that would NOT be the solution. He has legs, he can see her other places, he has a phone, he can still keep in touch. Trust me, he will do what he wants even if he worked on the moon.

 

You are insecure about this ----> he ain't changing------>this makes you unhappy------>Remove unhappiness from your life. Don't fall in love with an illusion of what it COULD be, take it for what it IS.

 

 

He's trying to keep them around as a snack. When things aren't spicy enough, he has them on call. If you break up, he has them on call, when you get into a fight, he has them on call. BS that this is just a frienship. It's a frienship until he gets hungry, very convenient.

 

he has been there, tapped that, he has marked his territory. She knows she is territory too and will always be down for seconds (though i'm sure she's had fourth and fifths)

 

Think about it....you slept with someone.....then you're just friends and because you say so you will no longer be sexually attracted to that person again? Esp late at night, when you two are working together, talking about the things you have in common, laughing over things and even reminicing about the good sex you two had? BS. As much as you wanted to (which i doubt he's tried) your body will want it. You remove that temptation from your life if you cared about the one you're with. It's almost a given they've even had the "do you wonder what it would've been like if we were together?" convo. I just feel like the hormones are raging wild, have the right conversation, or the right touch and it's on!

 

I had a friend hook up with a married man and they were friends beforehand, guess what, he told HER after they couldn't be friends anymore because it made him uncomfortable having the two women in his life, having that temptation of going back whenever he wanted her. So he removed the temptation. He flat out told her, if we stay friends, I will be hooked.

Edited August 20, 2013 by emva07

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't know... from my perspective, I have very close friends who are guys and who at some point in my history I've slept with. Even guys who I've dated, we broke it off, stayed friends, I had a new relationship, and when that ended we slept together again. Does it mean I'd cheat? No. I've never cheated. I never would.

 

But I could understand if a boyfriend was uncomfortable with me hanging out one on one alone with a guy I had that history with. It would make me sad, because I have some genuine, meaningful, deep and enriching friendships with guys I've slept with before, and I'd feel controlled, but if it really bothered my boyfriend, the man I've chosen a future with, then I'd seriously consider not seeing the guy one on one anymore. First, I'd try to get us all hanging out together, and hope that he could see an ex-fck buddy isn't a threat. Second, I'd hope he trusted me enough to know that nothing a guy could try would get me in the sack while I'm in a relationship. Third I'd hope he realised that just because I was once attracted to somebody, doesn't mean I always will be.

 

Hell, I even have a friend I'll always have an attraction for and who would step over the boundary with me in a heartbeat if I encouraged it, but I still wouldn't. And if he tried it, we wouldn't be friends any longer... I wouldn't keep a guy in my life who didn't respect and support my new relationship. I would happily invite my boyfriend to any 'hanging out' occasion with a guy I've slept with before, there's nothing to hide, just friends.

 

My current boyfriend does hang out in a group setting with a girl he's slept with before (although he really dislikes her now he used to be in love with her, I don't purposefully see either of the three men I've been in love with, only in contact with one and we don't purposefully meet up, nor do we discuss our history any more), and it bugged me a bit at first so I can understand why people get jealous. I'll have to wait and see if he hangs out purposefully one on one with an ex fck-buddy at some point but honestly, I doubt I'll find out. We are both of the 'don't ask' camp when it comes to whether or not we have a history with friends. Hopefully we trust each other enough to never cross that line (kissing onwards) with anybody else, regardless of whether or not we are alone with them or whatever. The past just isn't relevant for us when neither of us have ever cheated.

 

I suspect this post will not be popular but hey, no two people have the exact same morality and attitude when it comes to relationships

Edited August 21, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse

[Summerslam]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with what he's doing, his past is irrelevant, that's why its called "past", if you trust him, then why are you jealous?

[nescafe1982]

I think the insecurities surrounding sex/sexual experience is a related but largely separate bundle of issues. Since this is the "jealousy" thread, I'll only respond to that angle.

 

If the guy works with some girl he's had sex with before, I can see how that would pique your insecurities but I don't know what you can do about it other than ask him to limit how many shifts he works alone with her. Surely there's a compromise between A) changing jobs on one hand, and b) working one-on-one with her frequently on the other, right?

 

Have you brought up that this arrangement makes you feel uncomfortable (just like that, with no accusations, just a statement of your feelings)? If so, how does he respond? Is he receptive to your feelings, or dismissive of them? That should be a good indicator of how to move forward.

 

Now, you say he's not spending any time with her outside of work, right? If it's only about them working together, some compromise can be reached. If it's more than that... well, then there might be more to this that petty jealousy.

[giblesp]

First of all, stop thinking about what he's done with other people. It's hard to start off. It's just you and him today, no one else. There's a bit of retro active jealousy there to deal with. I've had the same, and it was affecting my relationship. I decided to put an end to it.

 

At the same time, it is going to come up on your radar that he's spending time with a woman he had sex with. That's normal. But if you fully trust him, its ok. Perhaps he should also be aware of the fact that him spending time with a woman he had sex with is something that affects you.

 

Let him know you trust him, but it is something on your mind when he spends time with his friend. As for this sexual past stuff, just drop it. It's just you and him now.

 

B.T.W. A single kiss from the woman you love is a thousand rimes more intimate and pleasurable, then a meaningless sexual encounter. I speak from experience.

Edited August 23, 2013 by giblesp