I feel like the worst SAHM ever

[Bittersweetie]

I am the worst SAHM mom. I don't really want to be a SAHM but if I could find a job I doubt I'd make enough to pay for child care so here I am. Plus I don't even know if I could get child care on short notice because it is soooo soooo competitive in my area. Year long waiting lists and such. It's like the chicken or the egg...I don't even know where to start, looking for a job or looking for child care. We couldn't afford full-time care at all without me working. We have someone who comes and watches baby three mornings a week, I was going to use that time for a part-time job, but I haven't really been able to find anything since January...no one wants someone who is only available 10-15 hours a week in my industry. I've asked some friends/peers opinions on how to go about re-entering the work force in my situation and basically no one has any good suggestions. I can't work without child care and I can't get child care without working.

 

I do go out with the baby to see friends and do things outside so I'm not stuck at home all day every day. And my H is great with the baby, he steps up all the time. I feel like the worse parent because when I hit a wall and it's like if I have to spend any more time with him I will explode.

 

I know I am probably just having a really bad day...when that used to happen at work I would leave the building to take a short walk. But I can't really take a walk away from the baby and bringing him kind of defeats the purpose. It just feels like all the tools I had to recharge before baby I can no longer use. I have seen a counselor since having the baby, I guess maybe I am due for another appointment.

 

This is just venting as it's the end of the week and baby has decided to NOT NAP AT ALL today and I wish I could enjoy a cold beverage.

[Balzac]

Year long waiting list for childcare? Even in NYC that's not a reality.

What is your profession?

[Eggplant]

Stay strong. The baby won't stay a baby forever. Good luck with the job search.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't you enjoy spending time with your baby?

 

I guess you've answered my question.

 

No, actually, she hasn't.

 

Being with a baby is rewarding, enjoyable and sometimes great fun - but it's bloody hard work, a thankless task, the most difficult UNPAID job in the world and sometimes, even the most mat-/pat-ernally-inclined person wishes they could turn the clock back, if even for a little while.

 

If parenthood were advertised in the paper, the advert would read as follows:

 

Wanted: Couple to invest $250,000 of their own hard-earned cash, over 18 years, to rear child.

No holidays, no free time, no salary and no alternate weekends off.

Must have driving skills, know basic first aid, be generally handy around the house, and work from early hours to late at night, erratically. Bigger vehicle may be required.

Later, teaching skills will be essential, and couple must allow for possibilities of extra expenses and more time investment, if child shows clear talent towards a particular skill. Vocal and artistic skills will be required, especially when singing songs, such as "The wheels on the Bus" or '"Row, row, row your boat". repeatedly. Be prepared for crayon mishaps.

 

Family holidays will be governed by scholastic schedules and venturing abroad, water-skiing and lazing by the pool will not be options. Couple should be aware of sleep deprivation, and also hone cooking and cleaning skills, as child will need close monitoring on both counts, for the duration. More than one child may be involved. Couple should note life will change irreversibly, and never, ever be the same again. Only the slightly insane need apply."

 

Who, in their right minds would go for that job??

 

The biggest challenge to begin with, is keeping the old grey brain-cells active.

Children of that age do not stimulate or challenge with interesting conversation, and there are only so many pappy meals one can be enthusiastic about.

 

OP: How old is your baby?

[Els]

OP, ignore those who are projecting their (inexperienced) desire for SAHM-hood on you.

 

I think there are people suited to be SAHPs (male and female), and people who aren't (again, male and female). Nothing wrong with that.

 

It's perhaps a little premature to be deciding that you want out due to one bad day - based on everything I've heard from folks who did it, they've all mentioned wanting some, ANY, time alone 'doing adult things', at some point. Many of them were glad that they stuck it out, though some decided that it wasn't for them and went back to the workforce. Either decision is okay as long as you and your H work things out between yourselves, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

If you have thought about it for a while and decided that it really isn't for you, perhaps get on the waiting list first? They should notify you in advance when someone is available, then you can start looking for the job? Have you any savings to tide over for a few months in that case?

 

All the best. It can't be easy, I'm sure.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. Please note that I did say I was having a bad day...a day at the end of the week where my 11-month old did not nap at all in any way, shape, or form. I should also note that my baby was born a month premature, spent 10 days in the NICU, has had two surgeries, and is currently in PT because he has been having some gross motor skill issues. So we've been dealing with stuff on top of the normal getting-used-to-having-a-baby stuff.

 

I fully realize I am very fortunate to be spending time home with my baby and to have a such a supporting husband. He is the best daddy! And despite all the above, my baby is wonderful and I do enjoy spending time with him. However as Tara pointed out, I do wish for some adult stimulation in the form of work and it's been a bit frustrating while going about not only finding that stimulation but balancing it with being a mother.

 

Like I said, I'm probably due for a session with my counselor to talk through some stuff. I appreciate the support, thanks!

[Bittersweetie]

OP, ignore those who are projecting their (inexperienced) desire for SAHM-hood on you.

 

I think there are people suited to be SAHPs (male and female), and people who aren't (again, male and female). Nothing wrong with that.

 

It's perhaps a little premature to be deciding that you want out due to one bad day - based on everything I've heard from folks who did it, they've all mentioned wanting some, ANY, time alone 'doing adult things', at some point. Many of them were glad that they stuck it out, though some decided that it wasn't for them and went back to the workforce. Either decision is okay as long as you and your H work things out between yourselves, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

If you have thought about it for a while and decided that it really isn't for you, perhaps get on the waiting list first? They should notify you in advance when someone is available, then you can start looking for the job? Have you any savings to tide over for a few months in that case?

 

All the best. It can't be easy, I'm sure.

 

Elswyth, thanks too for your note, I saw it after I posted. I have been thinking about this for the past few months...there are so many pros and cons on both sides and I just want to make sure I make the right decision for our family. I told myself originally I'd wait until he was a year before making any decision so I'm still thinking.

 

P.S. Love the husky pic!

[Bittersweetie]

I felt sometimes as though I were turning into a mush brained zombie without the adult stimulation a work environment gave me.

 

LOL Smooches...I do feel mush-brained sometimes, especially after reading The Foot Book for the bazillionith time!!!

 

Thanks again for your notes, I appreciate your help.

[Els]

Elswyth, thanks too for your note, I saw it after I posted. I have been thinking about this for the past few months...there are so many pros and cons on both sides and I just want to make sure I make the right decision for our family. I told myself originally I'd wait until he was a year before making any decision so I'm still thinking.

 

P.S. Love the husky pic!

 

Thank you!

 

Well, there certainly isn't any harm in waiting and seeing. Can you get on the waiting list first and then drop out of it without any penalties if you finally choose to continue to stay at home? Or do you have to put in a deposit?

[TaraMaiden]

Don't defend yourself!! The negative posts are from people who haven't even had children. They have far flung fantasies that aren't realistic.

 

^^^ This.^^^

 

They have absolutely no idea just what they'll be letting themselves in for.

 

It's only once you've walked the talk that really, you can speak with any "authority" on the subject. They're speaking from the idealised, romanticised advertising world that sells rose-tinted visions of parenthood...

 

Mums and dads know the meaning of simultaneous Heaven & hell.

[aussietigerwolf]

Mums and dads know the meaning of simultaneous Heaven & hell.

 

and that's just with one that doesn't have any health problems...

[hoping2heal]

Don't defend yourself!! The negative posts are from people who haven't even had children. They have far flung fantasies that aren't realistic.

 

This is said so absolutely perfectly!! You aren't a horrible SAHM Mom for having these feelings, they are normal! Unfortunately, having a baby is so glamorized that both sides of the story are rarely put out there. I suppose part of it is all the women who like yourself feel shame over their feelings. If more would speak up you would see how normal your experience is.

 

Those with wisdom pertaining to this area know that your venting doesn't mean you don't love your baby, don't appreciate being a Mother etc. I hope you're able to find some socialization outlets soon.

[Bittersweetie]

They have absolutely no idea just what they'll be letting themselves in for.

 

 

I had a laugh with my friends recently because I put all these movies on my Netflix Queue when I was pregnant and I was like, "I'll have all this time to catch up on movies when I'm staying at home with the baby." HAHAHAHA. You know how many movies I've knocked off in 11 months? Zero! Priorities became 1) sleep 2) eat and 3) shower.

[Fightsforlove]

From my experience, finding child care isn't that hard if you are willing to not be picky. I have an associates degree and a clean background check. I was on a web-site where parents were provided my background check for free. But no one would hire me. I was willing to drive up to 30 miles away to do the job, too, but only one person hired me over the course of 2 years. There's lots of people willing to watch children, but people make it so difficult to get into the profession that you wind up with only a small pool of people to choose from. They were upset at me because I didn't have a bachelors degree and 10 years of experience working with children. These same people didn't want to pay more than minimum wage. It was pretty ridiculous.

[peaksandvalleys]

LOL Smooches...I do feel mush-brained sometimes, especially after reading The Foot Book for the bazillionith time!!!

 

Thanks again for your notes, I appreciate your help.

 

 

I remember what it was like. Some days were just maddening. For us it was Green Eggs and Ham. I know it is hard and sometimes it feels so stifling. Hang in there. I wish I had more to offer.

[Ursa]

The advert was good, Tara, but only the tip of the iceberg. You forgot to include all the times mom will be thrown up on, pissed on, shat on, screamed at, have her hair pulled, etc. I remember when my son was an infant, OP, and I could literally not put him down. Colic. I lost weight because I spent HOURS walking up and down, up and down, up and down the hall rocking him in the exact same pattern over and over and over to help him calm down. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 years old, he had reflux and spit up all over me constantly. Let's not even start talking about the literal fountains of human feces. Up the back, pooled in the bottom of the footie pajamas, all over the backseat of the car...

 

My husband and I watched some show on Netflix the other day that showed the parents coming home from work after leaving their newborn with grandpa for the first time, after grandpa had not been around kids in thirty years, and finding the newborn sleeping peacefully in an expensive little dress, grandpa was impeccably dressed and had baked and cooked an elaborate dinner, the house was spotless, even the burp cloth over grandpa's shoulder was spotless and ironed with a crease. We LAUGHED. "It's a good thing babies are so easy!" my husband guffawed...and he is a father of 2, with 12 young nieces and nephews.

 

Do I love my son? He is the center of my universe and I would be lost without him. Did I need to get the hell away from him sometimes for the sake of my sanity? YES. And I was a better mother for it, after. It's no crime to need to recharge your batteries sometimes.

 

Notice how everybody who actually has kids is sympathizing with you and understands where you are coming from, and the only two posters giving you an attitude are both single and childless? There are some people who are temperamentally perfectly suited to being a SAHM, and some people who have "easy" babies, and even those people know how hard it can be sometimes when you haven't been sleeping or showering or calling any of your own shots on your life anymore.

 

OP, I was a SAHM full time for 2 years, and I'm still doing it most of the time although now my son is in a part-time pre-K and I have time for my own projects in the mornings. That helps, a lot. Maybe if you maximized the 'me' time that you do have those 3x a week? Is there something you can do that will recharge you, then? In the meantime, keep looking for work and daycare options, and don't give up hope and don't feel too down. Many of us have been there. Smooch has given you some great advice.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Ursa

[TaraMaiden]

The advert was good, Tara, but only the tip of the iceberg. You forgot to include all the times mom will be thrown up on, pissed on, shat on, screamed at, have her hair pulled, etc. I remember when my son was an infant, OP, and I could literally not put him down. Colic. I lost weight because I spent HOURS walking up and down, up and down, up and down the hall rocking him in the exact same pattern over and over and over to help him calm down. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 years old, he had reflux and spit up all over me constantly. Let's not even start talking about the literal fountains of human feces. Up the back, pooled in the bottom of the footie pajamas, all over the backseat of the car...

 

My second daughter was born with a minor soft-palate cleft, and feeding her was a nightmare. two-thirds would literally hurl back up....I'm with you on the winding and colic. I always say that if I'd had her first, I would never have opted for a second....

 

....And whereas I could leave my first on the sitting-room floor, surrounded by her toys, while i just nipped to the garden to check the washing (I would come back and find her STILL sat in that position, quietly playing) if I did that with my second, I'd come back five minutes later and find all the walls drawn on, the TV smashed, the dog hung on the ceiling fan and the cat in the dishwasher..... Nightmare kid.

Like you, I couldn't imagine life without them, but you know, at the time....:mad::mad:

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks again everyone for the responses. I've been able to take a little time this week for myself and that's helped a lot. I even had lunch with my H yesterday! We also talked about me working and decided that I would look for a job first since we could probably cobble together child care for a bit until finding something permanent.

 

It is interesting how mothers aren't "allowed" to complain. One complaint and now I don't love my baby? Untrue. Even with good jobs, relationships, and such, there's days where one complains about it. Does that mean I hate my job, relationship, life? Of course not! But I do have bad days every once in a while, that's just life.

[DawnR]

I didnt read all the replies in this post... I have been/and partly am where you are right now. I could not work for the cost of daycare.. and staying home CONSTANTLY can slowly drive you batty!

 

I found this blog... finding joy and this woman (I do not know her or anything like that) WRITES like an ANGEL!

 

She validates why you feel like you do sometimes. Its as good as therapy!

 

There are a lot of blogs out there... and that is how I managed to survive. Reading blogs of other mothers, and things like this forum.. and I am a member of a couple other forums out there too.

 

I send many hugs your way, because I have and am in your very shoes. Us mothers have to stick together. If you ever want to talk... feel free to get ahold of me. [email protected]

[1onelove1]

I think part-time is definitely the answer, even it takes a long time to find it.

 

Balance is something we all can use in our lives. I think there have been studies that part-time working moms are happier than either full time SAHM or full time working moms. I myself have a flexible arrangement and get to work from home 3x a week, while going in the office 2x a week. Other than the fact that my work is boring and not personally fulfilling, I feel like time-wise it's perfect. Life needs balance. Doing the same thing every day all day can really suck your soul dry.

 

I also found that as my daughter gets older the picture gets clearer. She is almost 2 now. As she gets older I feel alot less guilty about date nights, time for myself, having to go to work, etc. (I still could not be away from her 5 days a week though) That first year of motherhood was extremely difficult. It has nearly ruined my marriage. And sent me on long periods of personal thinking about many, many issues. What I thought I wanted is actually not what I wanted at all, and I am still figuring it out.

 

Basically, give yourself time this is but a season

Edited August 1, 2013 by 1onelove1