How can they NOT know?

[bentleychic]

I am new here, just mostly reading so far.

 

My MM is very smart, as is his wife, but he's not smart when it comes to hiding things and has a bad memory, too. We have been together for a year, knew each other years ago casually and reconnected as friends last Summer, but just started up after I got separated last year. (He was not the reason. Many years of abuse was the reason.)

 

Anyway, it blows my mind how she does not know (if she doesn't) and I just can't wrap my head around it. The signs seem so incredibly obvious to me, she has to see the thousands of texts and phone calls, know that he comes home smelling a certain way after me (freshly showered, though he's supposedly just come home from a long day at work), knows he's "late coming home from work" on those same days.

 

I mull it over in my head, trying to figure out how she couldn't possibly know. He doesn't hide things. He leaves his phone out, unlocked and she looks at it sometimes. He believes putting a lock on it would cause more suspicion. He doesn't delete that often. I have long hair and I know he goes home sometimes with it on him. (Not intentionally, but I'm sure it's happened.) Odd texts or facebook alerts at random times of day. Fishing trips where he never catches any fish. Etc., etc.

 

Are they in denial, know and don't care, truly don't know or...?

[sweet_pea]

Why don't you tell her he's cheating and then she'll know for sure.

[Pierre]

I am new here, just mostly reading so far.

 

My MM is very smart, as is his wife, but he's not smart when it comes to hiding things and has a bad memory, too. We have been together for a year, knew each other years ago casually and reconnected as friends last Summer, but just started up after I got separated last year. (He was not the reason. Many years of abuse was the reason.)

 

Anyway, it blows my mind how she does not know (if she doesn't) and I just can't wrap my head around it. The signs seem so incredibly obvious to me, she has to see the thousands of texts and phone calls, know that he comes home smelling a certain way after me (freshly showered, though he's supposedly just come home from a long day at work), knows he's "late coming home from work" on those same days.

 

I mull it over in my head, trying to figure out how she couldn't possibly know. He doesn't hide things. He leaves his phone out, unlocked and she looks at it sometimes. He believes putting a lock on it would cause more suspicion. He doesn't delete that often. I have long hair and I know he goes home sometimes with it on him. (Not intentionally, but I'm sure it's happened.) Odd texts or facebook alerts at random times of day. Fishing trips where he never catches any fish. Etc., etc.

 

Are they in denial, know and don't care, truly don't know or...?

 

Why she does not know?

 

Sometimes cheaters are married to people that cannot imagine cheating. Deception and lying are simply not part of their personality. Furthermore, these folks can be extremely innocent and may lack malice and street smarts.

 

These folks judge the spouse from their perspective.

 

There is an old saying: "There is no one more jealous, suspicious, and alert against cheating than a philanderer." They judge others from their perspective.

[bentleychic]

Why don't you tell her he's cheating and then she'll know for sure.

 

I just answered that in another thread, actually. I will not be doing that and that was not my intention with this post. I'd rather she not find out.

[affairaddict]

In your post it sounds like you secretly want her to know...

[Pierre]

I just answered that in another thread, actually. I will not be doing that and that was not my intention with this post. I'd rather she not find out.

 

The wife trusts her H blindly. It is that simple.

[MissBee]

I am new here, just mostly reading so far.

 

My MM is very smart, as is his wife, but he's not smart when it comes to hiding things and has a bad memory, too. We have been together for a year, knew each other years ago casually and reconnected as friends last Summer, but just started up after I got separated last year. (He was not the reason. Many years of abuse was the reason.)

 

Anyway, it blows my mind how she does not know (if she doesn't) and I just can't wrap my head around it. The signs seem so incredibly obvious to me, she has to see the thousands of texts and phone calls, know that he comes home smelling a certain way after me (freshly showered, though he's supposedly just come home from a long day at work), knows he's "late coming home from work" on those same days.

 

I mull it over in my head, trying to figure out how she couldn't possibly know. He doesn't hide things. He leaves his phone out, unlocked and she looks at it sometimes. He believes putting a lock on it would cause more suspicion. He doesn't delete that often. I have long hair and I know he goes home sometimes with it on him. (Not intentionally, but I'm sure it's happened.) Odd texts or facebook alerts at random times of day. Fishing trips where he never catches any fish. Etc., etc.

 

Are they in denial, know and don't care, truly don't know or...?

 

They or MM's wife in your case?

 

There is no they. Each case differs. Many BSs eventually figure it out, hence dday...as most ddays are not a case of MM becoming bold and admitting it, and while sometimes the OW spills the beans to the BS, most times it seems the BS finds the irrefutable proof on their own. It depends on lots of things about their relationship, but I think since the OW is watching him be deceitful, it actually is more apparent to her how "obvious" it is...but that's because you already know. Example: when you learn how a magic trick is conducted, it loses the mystery and when you see it again, it becomes very plain to you what the magician is doing and it's like blehh...how can anyone not see this??? But before you knew the secret of the trick, you'd have been just as surprised, as your mind wasn't zooming in on the details...it doesn't zoom in until you know. The OW is the one behind the scenes, so sees all the inner working of the lies and the sneaking and so on...so to her it seems obvious, but unless one watches their spouse like a hawk and has gps on them and has no life and other interests, it's actually not that hard to miss certain things OR assume it is something else.

 

I'm not a BS, but BSs have explained how in loving and trusting their spouse, even if they felt things were off their assumption wasn't an affair, and often when they asked about what's wrong the spouse said work or some other plausible thing or some gaslight their spouse...and many MM go home, have sex and do all the normal things so their spouse has no reason to be checking their phones or wondering about why they didn't catch fish.The OW is privy to the affair so feels this an obvious thing, but in reality, when I'm even in a relationship, I never go through my SO's phone, I don't check for hairs on their body of other women, I don't smell them when they get home to see if they smell like soap or anything of that nature. So if those were the "obvious" signs, I'd miss them as it wouldn't occur to me to look for that. I'm pretty intuitive personally so I doubt my spouse could have an affair without me realize something is off....but I may not immediately realize it, depending on how he acts and how much he veers from his routine. Veering far from your routine and being moody are probably the big signs something is off...but if you still come home at a normal hour, are generally how you always are mood wise and so on, the spouse may not immediately see alarm bells and unless one is particularly paranoid, most people usually take you at your word if you say you're going to the supermarket, or you're going fishing or what have you. It's not until things perhaps accumulate or differs greatly from normal that you pick up it's off.

 

Anyway....it all depends on their relationship, home life, what is routine for them, what is normal, which you can't know as someone not living her life. Do you want her to pick up on you two?

Edited July 26, 2013 by MissBee

[bentleychic]

In your post it sounds like you secretly want her to know...

I'm not sure how/why it sounds like that, but no, I don't. It would crush him if she found out and got hurt due to it. That is not on my agenda at all.

 

Anyway....it all depends on their relationship, home life, what is routine for them, what is normal, which you can't know as someone not living her life. Do you want her to pick up on you two?

No, I do not at all. If he chooses to leave at some point on his own, that's on him, but I do not ever intend on giving her a heads up and pointing her in that direction. I will not be the bearer of that news. I'm not proud at all of what I'm doing/have done, but I absolutely will not do that.

[bentleychic]

You tell me??

 

My ex mm texted me so much and called me so often his bs changed their mutual phone plan and put me on their my 10...never called or texted my number to see who I really was.

 

Wow, that's crazy!

[LilGirlandOW]

I have really long bleach blonde hair, BS dark short "bob-style" (i think its called) hair cut. I find my hair all over him his stuff and his car, lol.

 

I'm 10months into A and have as of lately been overly curious about BS, mixing questions into our conversations, leading conversations so I can ask a question on my mind. I think my BS after giving birth had post partum D, went on wacky drugs for it, got overly immersed in her own career path to avoid maternal triggers of the PPD, which cause a false sense of recovery (distraction), this all started 8yrs ago... she was always very conservative and vanilla, but the PPD loop sent her out of intimacy in it totality. She refuses further PPD treatments, alienated MM intimacy wise which left him with a void, I feel she picks up on nothing because shes so far off into her own land. PPD is no joke, not trying to make light of it at all.... MM couldnt convince her to continue treatment as she feels fine focusing on career as treatment. This being said I feel like BS doesnt care to look for clues, cause there are flags everywhere, like all over everywhere

 

This is just a theory I've been working on...

[hippetyhop]

I'm thinking denial...they know, but they don't WANT to know. The BS don't want to believe it.

 

Some can imagine their WS cheating but are just so far in denial they don't want their life disrupted by a D or S.

[anne1707]

Although some might like to portray the BS as having their head in the sand, I have to say I think it it is pretty fair to say that many AP have their heads in the sand. WS know how to lie. They know how to use and abuse trust. Whether that be the trust of a BS an AP.

[canuckprincess]

I'm thinking denial...they know, but they don't WANT to know. The BS don't want to believe it.

 

Some can imagine their WS cheating but are just so far in denial they don't want their life disrupted by a D or S.

 

I believe this to be the case in my situation. Perhaps the bs is just grateful that the ws is still coming home to them and therefore choose to ignore all the evidence and their own gut instinct.

 

Keep in mind we have no idea what these ws's are telling the bs or how their acting at home. I truly wish I could be a fly on the wall for just one evening.

[bentleychic]

I truly wish I could be a fly on the wall for just one evening.

 

Ohhhh me, too!!! I'm guessing it could make or break our relationship.

 

My head is definitely not in the sand. It's actually quite the opposite.

[Lady2163]

The married man I'm seeing is incredibly smart in his field, a little less smart in world events and can be a bit of a doofus when it comes to his phone. He's not real good with the covering up details.

 

I only text him when I know I will see him that day. Before he leaves the room, I clean his phone log and text log. Phone log isn't as important...unless he has called me. I block my number when I call him.

 

Very early on I asked him if he was TRYING to get caught.

[herenow]

Ever watch a movie and you know exactly what's going on, but the characters have no idea? Well think of the BW as one of those characters that are not in on the plot.

 

It seems obvious to an OW because you have the truth that the BW is not aware of. You see the MM lie and cheat. The BW does not. You also don't have the knowledge of how the MM acts when around the BW. No matter what he says to the OW, he is trying his hardest to not let his wife in on the secret. And, if the BW gets a drift of what is happening, the MM puts on his greatest show to try and rid her of any suspicion.

 

Blond hair in his car, not a problem, he gave a co-worker a ride to a meeting. BW has no reason to think he isn't telling the truth so she believes him. An so on and so on and so on...

[2sure]

The things like texts and phone calls and late meetings just aren't red flags, clues, or hints. Those are all just part of many working people's lives.

 

Those were the initial clues in my husbands infidelity. But for a couple that are still involved with each other, as we were , sexually and emotionally, I just wasn't looking at his phone or the phone bill or makng sure he was where he said he was. Why would anyone unless they had some kind of reason?

[bentleychic]

I guess I'm not that trusting of a person (I know, odd considering my current situation), but if I saw that my spouse or lover was talking for 4-5 hours per day every day to someone except the days that they were with me, it would definitely raise my suspicions.

 

But there are some very valid points. If nothing else, I guess if this ends, I'll know some of the tell tale signs of an affair to look for in future relationships.

[canuckprincess]

His wife not having any idea should be a huge red flag to you. Instead of thinking she' a dumbass or in denial you may want to consider that he is just as sweet and loving as he has always been to her and nothing has changed on the homefront. He may be even more pleasant and sexually active with her because you are providing him with a nice break from the boring routine of everyday life.

 

I couldn't agree more, that's why the only way to know for sure is if I could be a fly on the wall.

[bentleychic]

LOL It's off and on throughout the day while we're doing other things. I don't just sit and do nothing so I can talk to him and vice versa. Some days it's less, some days it's more. Never on weekends. We both have jobs where we drive a lot for a living so blue tooths are very helpful enroute to stay in touch. Honestly, I think we learn a lot about each other that way, more than the few hours that we can share together a few times a week.

Edited July 27, 2013 by bentleychic

[canuckprincess]

Honestly what a waste of life. I can't imagine talking on the phone every day for 5 hours. Don't you want to be with someone who can spend those 5 hours with you not on a phone?

 

Why would you say talking to the person you love is a waste of time.

[canuckprincess]

5 hours on the phone A DAY???? Basically keeping his drive time from being boring.

 

I don't spend 5 hours a day but there were times we came close to it lol.

[canuckprincess]

5 hours on the phone A DAY???? Basically keeping his drive time from being boring. I guess his wife won't cater to those needs.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of needs the wife's not catering to and I'm sure that's why some men look elsewhere.

[Pierre]

I'm not proud at all of what I'm doing/have done, but I absolutely will not do that.

 

OK, got it.

 

 

You like many OWs are not proud to be in the affair..

 

Many OWs want to believe the wife knows. When they assume the wife knows they feel justified to continue the affair. Some go as far as to not call it an affair. At this point they say, the MM has has an open marriage.

 

It is nothing more than rationalization.:cool:

[bentleychic]

So you never speak on weekends and only when he is on the road or at work or what have you? So how is she supposed to know this? She trusts him. She doesn't go snooping on his phone to see who he talks to and for how long. As long as you behave and follow the rules of never communicating with him when he's with his wife and family then she probably won't have a reason to figure it out. I bet if she calls him when he's on with you he hangs right up and calls her back.

We don't speak on weekends when he's home, but do text daily, home or not and if he's away without her he does call. She does actually look at his phone on occasion AND the phone bill. He has never given me "rules". Actually told me that I could call or text any time. *I* choose not to call when he is home.

 

5 hours on the phone A DAY???? Basically keeping his drive time from being boring. I guess his wife won't cater to those needs.

Too funny. I like talking to him, of course, b/c I enjoy hearing his voice, hearing about his day and learning new things about him. I do love him and I think wanting to talk to the person that you love is pretty normal. However, that keeping the driving from being boring is a two way street so I certainly can't throw stones even if it's true. However, he if it were just a matter of that, he could easily just talk to his friends on the phone instead if he wanted to.