I don't know what I want

[Lady2163]

We will indeed, agree to disagree. Truth is paramount. This isn't some little white lie about liking hair color or a pair of shoes. This is much bigger. This involves another human, a human the WS married, made vows to, promised to have their best interest at heart. Lying at this point, is foolish, and selfish. My point: if you've carried on this other, secret life; why not own it? Aren't you proud after all, with that other person who ended up with, or caused you to cheat in the first place? If the affair were so wonderful, life altering, why not just tell the BS?

 

You're right, we will disagree. I'll never understand this reasoning. And I'm not a BS, just a fellow human being, and never to be again, OW.

 

I'm headed to bed but wanted to answer this.

 

From what happened to me, my guess would be to tell the spouse about the affair would, hurt the Bspouse, damage relationships even further with the children, cause a loss of respect in the community, possible job loss and make the divorce a whole lot messier.

 

I say it's kinder not to tell the spouse, but it IS also self preservation.

 

TOTALLY not the same thing, but a few weeks ago I stole a case of sodapop from Wal-Mart. It was in the bottom of the basket and I didn't remember it and the cashier didn't see it. I stood there in the parking lot not knowing what to do. While my first instinct was to go back and pay for it, I was concerned I would be detained for shoplifting. Later when I asked a former retail store security friend he said for my own sake, I did the right thing to not go back. I was essentially at the mercy of the whims of the store manager. Self preservation. I knew what was right in theory, but wasn't able to risk the potential punishment would be ten times worse than the crime.

[ComingInHot]

Lady, Good Morning!

Your last response to Wiser moved me to respond*

 

You wrote that all you are doing in reference to the continued lies & deceit is to Protect your H, your son, your social circles & others that would be hurt by your actions, from news of your A & cheating.

I can see your logic. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking this way too. It sure does sound more "respectable" than shouting to all who can hear, the Truth of what you have chosen to do. So I can kind of see how you are thinking.

 

I'd like you to consider something. It may be hard and not as "pretty" as how you are putting it But it's what is coming across to me & what I've read on here before.*

 

All of the things you stated as being reasons for protecting others, look and read to me that it is done ultimate to protect You, a messy D-day, Divorce, the loss of respect and hurt in your son & H, the disappointment in the eyes of your loved ones, damage to Your reputation in career and social circles...

 

Like I said, I DO understand your logic & line of thinking, but what it reads to me is the opposite or parallel to your thinking as well.

 

There always seems to be a parallel in A's... Crazy.

[Lady2163]

We will indeed, agree to disagree. Truth is paramount. This isn't some little white lie about liking hair color or a pair of shoes. This is much bigger. This involves another human, a human the WS married, made vows to, promised to have their best interest at heart. Lying at this point, is foolish, and selfish. My point: if you've carried on this other, secret life; why not own it? Aren't you proud after all, with that other person who ended up with, or caused you to cheat in the first place? If the affair were so wonderful, life altering, why not just tell the BS?

 

You're right, we will disagree. I'll never understand this reasoning. And I'm not a BS, just a fellow human being, and never to be again, OW.

 

Lady, Good Morning!

Your last response to Wiser moved me to respond*

 

You wrote that all you are doing in reference to the continued lies & deceit is to Protect your H, your son, your social circles & others that would be hurt by your actions, from news of your A & cheating.

I can see your logic. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking this way too. It sure does sound more "respectable" than shouting to all who can hear, the Truth of what you have chosen to do. So I can kind of see how you are thinking.

 

I'd like you to consider something. It may be hard and not as "pretty" as how you are putting it But it's what is coming across to me & what I've read on here before.*

 

All of the things you stated as being reasons for protecting others, look and read to me that it is done ultimate to protect You, a messy D-day, Divorce, the loss of respect and hurt in your son & H, the disappointment in the eyes of your loved ones, damage to Your reputation in career and social circles...

 

Like I said, I DO understand your logic & line of thinking, but what it reads to me is the opposite or parallel to your thinking as well.

 

There always seems to be a parallel in A's... Crazy.

 

Good Morning, Hot!

 

I don't have a husband or children, we kind of got spun off into a hypothetical because it was suggested the OP tell her husband. I was making the assumption she'd want to leave him.

 

But, no, the motives for not telling about the affair when asking for a divorce are not 100% altruistic.

 

I seem to be one of the few who would be better served not knowing. Conversely, I would avoid telling a partner.

[Lady2163]

Oh please! you weren't going to get arrested for shoplifting by going back and paying for the water. If you had walked up to the same cashier and explained what happened she likely would have just charged you for it without even involving the manager. I have done the same thing, and never got any backlash for going back and paying.

 

Sigh.

 

It wasn't worth taking the chance to me.