I don't know what I want

[Lady2163]

And I meant to add, I do find your situation a touch out of the ordinary. You must have brass cojones to be able to be such close, regular friends with the spouse.

 

Try to be good to yourself, even I have a gut feeling this won't end well.

[Pierre]

We had a conversation where I told him I was falling for him and thought I was going crazy I thought he'd end the affair and instead he said the feeling was mutual and if I wanted to end our marriages he'd want to be together.. As soon as I heard that which is what I thought I wanted to hear.. I kind of freaked out inside. I do not want to hurt everyone like that at all. And if I left my marriage I would not want to plan right away to be with this guy because I don't even know that we would work in a relationship like that! I feel like we would be on overdrive and be way to crazy..I could be wrong but that's how I felt when I said it..

 

We were friends as couple this much 3 years before anything between us happened .. Nothing's changed.

 

This is a frigging fantasy fueled by the secrecy and the possibility of being caught. The two of you are addicted and love the drama.

 

This is certainly mediocre at best.

 

 

If this was the real deal the two of you would come out. However, if you come out the secrecy is gone and the OM becomes like your H.

 

I am a bit disappointed, I thought this was the real deal.

[Pierre]

OP has been told this countless times. She doesn't care. This is all about the way it makes her feel. And while she professes love, and friendship to the two betrayed, I don't buy it. Someone is being loved here, but it's neither of them.

 

Addicts betray everyone including their parents, grandma, spouses, children, sisters, friends, you name it. Anything to get a fix.

 

I actually thought this was a love story. My bad!

[Pierre]

I feel like he's another version of me.

That's sick I know.

 

 

 

 

But, a match made in heaven.

 

:laugh:

[rae_lana]

Addicts betray everyone including their parents, grandma, spouses, children, sisters, friends, you name it. Anything to get a fix.

 

I actually thought this was a love story. My bad!

 

Our connection is like that. Almost so alike we don't have to say anything we just know .. Our lives growing up were unbelievably parallel and we want the same things.. But what kind of love story causes that much pain. None I've ever heard of.. I'd rather be miserable forever than his wife know about this.. My husband too but mostly her. But I don't stop. I think he's the first person who's ever seen the real me and loved it fully.. And me him.. But we are both very broken and I think that's a big reason why.

 

Neither of us can say the word no easily. It's crosses my mind if we'd met as teens we'd be dead..

[rae_lana]

Yes. We are both admitted addicts but not to drugs so much anymore.

[rae_lana]

The connection this is clique I know.. We are not in an affair bubble though. We have both seen the worst of each other many many times.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rae

 

You keep going round and round, what kind of support are you looking for?

 

You say you don't want to hurt the MM BS, and you never want her to find out, but you won't stop doing all the harming. You are in control of your actions, so at least be honest with yourself.

 

So let me ask you this...your ship IS sinking, you can only help save one person. Who is the one person you want to save? Your husband? MMBS? MM?

 

To not choose is to give them all up.

 

Depending on your choice, there are clear actions you must take.

 

Doing nothing will result in you all going down with the ship.

 

Who is it going to be?

[The Way I Am]

OP has been told this countless times. She doesn't care. This is all about the way it makes her feel. And while she professes love, and friendship to the two betrayed, I don't buy it. Someone is being loved here, but it's neither of them.

 

I was hoping a different context might help. Guess not.

 

Rae, you came here initially wondering if you were a sociopath. We all assumed not, because you claimed you felt bad. But it's become obvious that you either won't or can't feel empathy for how your actions affect other people.

 

You say you care so much about your friend and never want her to be hurt. But your current solution for not hurting her is to keep up a relationship with her husband behind her back (which you've acknowledged will eventually become physical again) and hoping she'll never find out. If you had any real empathy, you would at least take action to stop the behavior that would hurt her if it were discovered instead of compounding that potential hurt by carrying on.

 

I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I'm wondering if you were right in the first place. You should go to a therapist for a diagnosis. Maybe you're not a sociopath, but there's something in there not right that needs treatment.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

OP has been advised several times on the last thread to end this before it blows and she keeps posting.

 

You have to understand Rae that this situation is most likely no different than the majority. It will blow, he will throw you under the bus, you will lose your friend and you and your husband will be in ruins trying to recover.

 

Hey but who knows? Maybe you are the small percentage that will make it, but I highly doubt it.

 

Tell your husband now.

[rae_lana]

Telling my husband means I am blowing it up though.. Why would I do that? I'm much more likely to end it and try to get better.. Or divorce and move away.. From all of them.. Then ever tell.

 

That might seem crazy but these words won't ever come out of my mouth to anyone .. I won't tell. But I do agree I need to end it somehow and I do want to and I do know that it's wrong.. I do feel empathy I do feel the pain it would cause. In the moment I get lost.. Every time. No matter how many times I tell myself it's wrong.

 

I'm posting here because I do want to hear the truth from people. I do need to hear it and say what I'm thinking so it's not just festering in my head.

 

It's helped a lot to hear things people have said.

 

I don't for one second believe I'm a horrible person compared to anyone else in an affair just because I know his wife.. I love her I do no matter what other people say. I do not want to hurt her and I feel sucked in.. It's on me. I did it and an just as much to blame as him.. Even if he presued me first I know I am just as much to blame.

 

Ill be the one condemned in get end. I know. I don't intend to be the cause of the end.. As in everyone finding out.

 

I'd love to forget this happened. Even though these moments were some of the best of my life.

 

We aren't taking huge risks.. Someone said I had said we were. In the beginning we did.

 

There are no emails no call logs no pictures.. Only texts and when we've been alone and nobody has seen us or expects anything more than that he had a crush on me at one point. I don't intend to take risks like at the start again at all. If much rather have their friendship than me be with him and her be alone or my husband hurting..

 

I'm kind of nervous that if OM does think he's in love with me though that I might not get to make the choice.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'm kind of nervous that if OM does think he's in love with me though that I might not get to make the choice.

 

This x a billion

[Lady2163]

All right this is another alien concept to me. Why and what is she supposed to tell her husband?

 

"I'm not happy in the marriage. I don't know what to do."

 

"I'm not happy in the marriage. I'm having an affair. I don't know what to do."

 

"I'm not happy in the marriage. Im having an affair with X. I don't know what to do."

 

When I was married, we did separate. I never told him I was having am affair. It would have been a lot more convenient for him to move out, but I made the arrangements to rent a room. I told him I wasn't happy, it wasn't working and I needed to leave.

 

We didn't have kids. But it wasn't a bad way to do something awful. Personally, if a person is having an affair and you know you want your marriage to end, what is one more lie? What is it to keep the affair on the quiet for a few more months?

 

"I have started dating. I've met someone."

 

However, if you know you want to stay in the marriage, counseling can still help. There are communication skills that can be taught.

[Pierre]

Telling my husband means I am blowing it up though.. Why would I do that? I'm much more likely to end it and try to get better.. Or divorce and move away.. From all of them.. Then ever tell.

 

That might seem crazy but these words won't ever come out of my mouth to anyone .. I won't tell. But I do agree I need to end it somehow and I do want to and I do know that it's wrong.. I do feel empathy I do feel the pain it would cause. In the moment I get lost.. Every time. No matter how many times I tell myself it's wrong.

 

I'm posting here because I do want to hear the truth from people. I do need to hear it and say what I'm thinking so it's not just festering in my head.

 

It's helped a lot to hear things people have said.

 

I don't for one second believe I'm a horrible person compared to anyone else in an affair just because I know his wife.. I love her I do no matter what other people say. I do not want to hurt her and I feel sucked in.. It's on me. I did it and an just as much to blame as him.. Even if he presued me first I know I am just as much to blame.

 

Ill be the one condemned in get end. I know. I don't intend to be the cause of the end.. As in everyone finding out.

 

I'd love to forget this happened. Even though these moments were some of the best of my life.

 

We aren't taking huge risks.. Someone said I had said we were. In the beginning we did.

 

There are no emails no call logs no pictures.. Only texts and when we've been alone and nobody has seen us or expects anything more than that he had a crush on me at one point. I don't intend to take risks like at the start again at all. If much rather have their friendship than me be with him and her be alone or my husband hurting..

 

I'm kind of nervous that if OM does think he's in love with me though that I might not get to make the choice.

 

Were you addicted to any substance in the past?

 

 

YOu are addicted and addicts hurt those they love the most. You are in no position to make judgments of decisions, you need help and the only way out is or of these two:

 

1. Ride into the sunset with OM

2. End it!

 

Otherwise, you will end in very rough shape.

 

You probably have low self esteem and will not be able take the shame after a d-day. You may end up in the psych ward, I am worried about you.

[The Way I Am]

I'm kind of nervous that if OM does think he's in love with me though that I might not get to make the choice.

 

Welcome to the realization of what you've been told all along.

 

Rae, I'd like to advise you on how to get what you want. But what you want seems to change daily. You've got issues and need to see a therapist. Your issues are too much for an internet forum to solve. You need to talk to a professional and get yourself sorted out.

 

If you actually care about any of these people, you'll at least get help figuring out what you want so you can stop just going along for the ride and continuing to do things that will hurt everyone, including yourself, if/when they're discovered.

[rae_lana]

So maybe I'm really damaged inside I don't know. Because we work and hang out and laugh and eat and go to bed ever night and wake up the next day and do it again and my life I'd going pretty smooth besides the fact inside my head I'm having a war with myself.

 

No biological kids are involved but there are young family member concerned and anchors keeping us in our marriages.. And our marriages aren't that bad and our friendship is amazing.. I do not plan to confess. At all.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So maybe I'm really damaged inside I don't know. Because we work and hang out and laugh and eat and go to bed ever night and wake up the next day and do it again and my life I'd going pretty smooth besides the fact inside my head I'm having a war with myself.

 

No biological kids are involved but there are young family member concerned and anchors keeping us in our marriages.. And our marriages aren't that bad and our friendship is amazing.. I do not plan to confess. At all.

 

Ok. So other than posting here, what are you doing to solve the problem? What are you doing to fix your brokenness? What are you doing to understand what will happen to all four of the relationships when it blows up?

 

I mean, you post and say you will not follow anyone's advice, you do not believe that you will be discovered because its not possible for anyone to notice the behaviors, you won't get therapy, you won't leave, you won't stop, you won't change.

 

Ok..ok..so you seem self destructive, probably a sociopath, each of the other members of the four are also probably too. But at minimum you are an abuser. Anyone who continue destructive actions even knowing it causes risk and pain is an abuser.

 

I don't think anyone can help you Rae, you are bent on destruction.

[ComingInHot]

Lady wrote, "Really? What's one more lie?"

Rae wrote, "if I tell, I'D be the one to blow it up..."

 

The comments above come off as very immature and selfish in my eyes. They are words spoken by children & adolescents, NOT mature adults and definitely NOT by a Parent who's a living example to their children.

 

Rae, when you go back through your thread responses, and read what You wrote, do you feel Anything? Like maybe a, "wow, is that really ME who wrote that?" Or, "Is it normal for me to feel and think the way I do & if so or if not why?"

 

I'm NOT ap bashing at all rather looking at it from an outside perspective of what has happened to make you think & feel this way. Your A, whether I agree or not may be the topic but you are the lead role in your thread topics & I see so much more going on in the head of yours besides the A. Things that you could change... If you wanted to*

[LilGirlandOW]

How messed up is it that I don't mind feeling used by him. As long as I know he cares about me I have very very little expectations of him. I really feel I'd be happy with whatever he decided as long as he was not mad at me or resented me for it.

 

My self esteem is probably the lowest a persons could imagine and yet it's higher than its probably ever been right now.

 

I will try to convince myself he's using me even though I don't believe he is.. I've tried to convince myself to just tell him let's just forget this ever happened but when I see him or he texts me all that just disappears from my mind.

 

I honestly feel like a completely separate different person when I'm taking to him.. More myself, but not someone I recognize at the same time.

 

 

I could have written this, I feel the same way ((hugs)).

[rae_lana]

Welcome to the realization of what you've been told all along.

 

Rae, I'd like to advise you on how to get what you want. But what you want seems to change daily. You've got issues and need to see a therapist. Your issues are too much for an internet forum to solve. You need to talk to a professional and get yourself sorted out.

 

If you actually care about any of these people, you'll at least get help figuring out what you want so you can stop just going along for the ride and continuing to do things that will hurt everyone, including yourself, if/when they're discovered.

 

I wouldn't say I'm haven't listened to any advice.. My stance on how perfect this guy was has changed a lot since reading things here.. I've also considered divorce for the first time ever really.. And we have slowed down communication considerably since I've first been here.

[rae_lana]

Lady wrote, "Really? What's one more lie?"

Rae wrote, "if I tell, I'D be the one to blow it up..."

 

The comments above come off as very immature and selfish in my eyes. They are words spoken by children & adolescents, NOT mature adults and definitely NOT by a Parent who's a living example to their children.

 

Rae, when you go back through your thread responses, and read what You wrote, do you feel Anything? Like maybe a, "wow, is that really ME who wrote that?" Or, "Is it normal for me to feel and think the way I do & if so or if not why?"

 

I'm NOT ap bashing at all rather looking at it from an outside perspective of what has happened to make you think & feel this way. Your A, whether I agree or not may be the topic but you are the lead role in your thread topics & I see so much more going on in the head of yours besides the A. Things that you could change... If you wanted to*

 

I definitely go back and feel like its another person. The thoughts in my head .. And what me and him have done.. Is something no one that knows me in a million years would think was me..

 

I feel like two people.

 

I'm not a mom. Don't plan to be any time soon I'm actually helping raise his younger siblings.

[rae_lana]

The OP's situation is entirely different than yours. The OP isn't unhappy in her marriage, isn't unhappy with her husband and isn't planning to divorce. Instead she is in a marriage that where she is deceitful and inauthentic. Her marriage will never be all that it can be as long as she is cheating and keeping secrets. This is big part of who she is and she hides this side of herself from her husband pretending to be someone she is not. I feel bad for her husband and for her best friend, but living the ways she is has got to suck for her too. Who wants to go through life hiding their true self and being fake. It's on thing to have to put on a bit of a façade at the workplace or just out in the general public but to have keep up this persona 24/7, even at home, cannot be emotionally or mentally healthy. She can't even confide in her best girlfriend because her best girlfriend happens to be one of the people she's knifing in the back.

 

Telling her husband will blow sh*t up but I think it might be the only way for this poster to become a whole person. Telling would be the catalyst for change and even if telling her husband led him to divorce her, it would still be better than the OP trying to go through life living this huge lie.

 

Truer words never spoken this has been my life since about ten.

[The Way I Am]

I'm not a mom. Don't plan to be any time soon I'm actually helping raise his younger siblings.

 

If you're helping to raise a child, you are a mom. You might not be a biological mother, but you're a role model. You're responsible for shaping their view of life and relationships. Is what you're doing really the example you want to set?

 

You keep ignoring the suggestion to go to therapy. I think you might have mentioned once that you don't want to go. You've had a lot of posts, so I can't remember if you ever gave a reason. Why won't you go to individual counselling?

 

If you're determined not to come clean and leave this a secret, I'm willing to help you figure out an alternative course of action to get what you want. But I don't know what that is. Is it to divorce and be with MM? To not hurt MM's W? To not hurt your H? To divorce and be single? To continue to sleep with MM and keep the status quo?

 

The latest thing you seem to want is to make sure his W doesn't get hurt but keep sleeping with her husband and pretending there's nothing going on. Unfortunately, those 2 things are not compatible. The longer you and her husband keep deceiving her, the worse you'll make it hurt if she eventually finds out.

 

If your priority is to make sure MM's W isn't hurt, then I suggest you slowly remove yourself from her life. If she ever finds out what you did in the future, the pain might not be so bad if you're an ex friend rather than a current friend. Just gradually start finding reasons to decline invitations and taking longer and longer to respond to her texts or calls until eventually you stop responding at all. The difficult part will be coming up with a believable reason if she or your H ever ask why you don't hang out with them anymore, but I think you're clever enough to come up with something convincing.

Edited July 28, 2013 by The Way I Am
Typo

[Lady2163]

Lady wrote, "Really? What's one more lie?"

Rae wrote, "if I tell, I'D be the one to blow it up..."

 

The comments above come off as very immature and selfish in my eyes. They are words spoken by children & adolescents, NOT mature adults and definitely NOT by a Parent who's a living example to their children.

 

Rae, when you go back through your thread responses, and read what You wrote, do you feel Anything? Like maybe a, "wow, is that really ME who wrote that?" Or, "Is it normal for me to feel and think the way I do & if so or if not why?"

 

I'm NOT ap bashing at all rather looking at it from an outside perspective of what has happened to make you think & feel this way. Your A, whether I agree or not may be the topic but you are the lead role in your thread topics & I see so much more going on in the head of yours besides the A. Things that you could change... If you wanted to*

 

Well, I was in my early 20s when I separated. I planned on divorce, but circumstances were not with that.

 

I was creating a scenario that I don't think exists in regards to the OP, my apologies.

 

IF she (or anyone) were to leave her husband, plan to get a divorce, then no, I don't think they need to tell rejected spouse about the affair. Particularly if after the divorce they might never have another face to face meeting with their spouse again.

 

What good will it do? They are ending a marriage. They are dissolving a relationship they agreed to before friends, family and Higher Power. The affair could be one of many reasons. Or it could just be a result from many reasons.

 

One time, many years after my divorce I was talking to my ex-husband and he started to tell me some things. I stopped him and said, "If I didn't know it in the marriage, I don't need to know it now."

 

Also, in the case of a couple of men who cheated on me. I was healing, I was moving on, then I found out there was another woman. That rage turned me into someone I didn't know. Nothing productive came from that knowledge.

[Lady2163]

Wisernow, I actually feel the spouse is being protected by not telling them. We may have to agree to disagree. I do find it interesting what you have to say.

 

I just feel that for a split to happen without a dday or suspicions, there are probably other reasons in the marriage that are as valid to the WS.

 

We've grown apart.

I've been unhappy for a while now because XYZ.

I don't feel the same way about you, we're more like brother and sister than husband and wife.

I don't want the same things you do anymore. I want XYZ

I need some time and space, I'm sorry. I plan to go to counseling and work on what's wrong with me.

 

And I don't mean that the WS is lying when they say any of those statements. I'm just trying to come up with gentler, but still honest ways to end it.

 

In my experiences from 10+ years ago in the counseling field - and this is by no way scientific, very few BS are caught totally unaware. They might have admitted there are problems to themselves and to a best friend. Maybe their WS was a great actor and they were totally content. Or maybe times have changed.