New here - my story

[Pierre]

If he was loyal to her and took good care of her and their children for 27 years like the OM has with his W, yes I would be happy. And if he ended up getting a little on the side while he was working in another state for a few years, oh well. Sorry if my philosophy on this doesn't match yours.

 

I had affairs; but I would not want my children to be cheated on. It is not a matter of different philosophies. I think you are simply defending yourself.

 

I am sorry you expect so little. I wish you well; I don't think you want help. You want reaffirmation from a proaffair point of view.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. What else could you do? But; I don't think you are happy. Hopefully it will not get worse.

[Phoenix32]

Pierre, I don't think you quite understood what I was trying to say. Of course I don't want my daughter to be cheated on, but I also wouldn't want her to be with an person who ignored her and her children and didn't take care of them. I am not sure what is worse really. I have been cheated on too, my first husband and my best friend at the time were quite open about doing stuff right in front of me. And that was by far NOT the worst thing in the relationship. So I guess I have a little bit different perspective.

[Pierre]

Pierre, I don't think you quite understood what I was trying to say. Of course I don't want my daughter to be cheated on, but I also wouldn't want her to be with an person who ignored her and her children and didn't take care of them. I am not sure what is worse really. I have been cheated on too, my first husband and my best friend at the time were quite open about doing stuff right in front of me. And that was by far NOT the worst thing in the relationship. So I guess I have a little bit different perspective.

 

 

 

You love your H, he does not pay the attention you want. You feel single. You have an AP that pays attention.

 

So you are set, two men meeting your needs.

 

What is missing?

 

You down play cheating, I get that. I believe 99.99% of folks having affairs do that too. I also think infidelity is sort of common, but I am not so casual about the pain. Perhaps you have been desensitized.

 

 

But, back to the no. 1 issue. Why are you posting? You seem to have it all right now.

 

Or is there anything else you want?

[Lady2163]

Pierre, I'm guessing she's here to have some interaction with people in similar situations. You're happiy married? Why are you here? What do you ain't from this forum?

 

Phoenix, you be a single mother sounds a lot like a former friend if mine...I almost thought you were her for a moment, but there were enough variations in your story, that you're probably not.

 

Her husband worked ten hour days. 800 AM TO 600 PM. The school day damn from 830 to 330. He never had to take children to school, pick the, up, run them all to different locations, then pick them up again and go make supper. He didn't make it to most school activities, never volunteered at the school, didn't go to doctor appointments, etc.

 

Her work schedule was Monday, Wednesday, Friday. He had three day weekends and one Friday morning of her rushing around getting herself ready and the kids ready while he mumbled,"have a nice day" from under the covers, was too much for her. They had a long talk that night. He was resentful that she thought he should spend his one day alone in the house without her or the children picking up the slack.

[Pierre]

Pierre, I'm guessing she's here to have some interaction with people in similar situations. You're happiy married? Why are you here? What do you ain't from this forum?

 

Being there done that many times. This is entertainment, I have no more issues.

 

Phoenix is unable to be happy and she contradicts herself. She puts her H down as being absent, but also claims to love H and that he saved her at one point. Then she says she does not know why she got married. The latter an all time favorite phrase of married cake eaters.

 

She likes two men meeting her needs. Her force of gravity regarding needs may be as strong as that of a black hole, who knows?

 

I believe she feels the stress of the affair. That is why she posts.

[Lady2163]

?What do you ain't from this forum?.

 

Well, that's a pretty rotten autocorrect.

[Phoenix32]

You love your H, he does not pay the attention you want. You feel single. You have an AP that pays attention.

 

So you are set, two men meeting your needs.

 

What is missing?

 

You down play cheating, I get that. I believe 99.99% of folks having affairs do that too. I also think infidelity is sort of common, but I am not so casual about the pain. Perhaps you have been desensitized.

 

 

But, back to the no. 1 issue. Why are you posting? You seem to have it all right now.

 

Or is there anything else you want?

 

You are right, there is no reason to be posting. I originally did because I just had to talk to somebody about everything since there's nobody IRL that I can, and it seemed like this was a place where I could just get it off my chest. But you are right, I have no reason to post here and I'm sorry for wasting your time.

[anne1707]

You are right, there is no reason to be posting. I originally did because I just had to talk to somebody about everything since there's nobody IRL that I can, and it seemed like this was a place where I could just get it off my chest. But you are right, I have no reason to post here and I'm sorry for wasting your time.

 

I don't think Pierre was meaning that you should not be posting. I think he is actually trying to get you to post more

[whereamigoing]

Being there done that many times. This is entertainment, I have no more issues. /QUOTE]

 

Pierre you do seem to have all sorts of issues here. You are posting on a forum not meant for you for "entertainment" purposes. You seem to lump all affairs into one category when they are individual relationships with some commonality but enough differences to warrant an open mind. In my experience people who repeatedly go out of their way to disparage others are unhappy in some aspect of their own life. I'm sure there is a forum for that but this isn't it. Just my thoughts.

[whereamigoing]

You are right, there is no reason to be posting. I originally did because I just had to talk to somebody about everything since there's nobody IRL that I can, and it seemed like this was a place where I could just get it off my chest. But you are right, I have no reason to post here and I'm sorry for wasting your time.

 

Don't stop posting! If you need to talk stuff out please use this resource. If you want to lurk you can still get lots of insight by reading the experiences of others. It is good to know you are not alone.

[Pierre]

Being there done that many times. This is entertainment, I have no more issues. /QUOTE]

 

Pierre you do seem to have all sorts of issues here. You are posting on a forum not meant for you for "entertainment" purposes. You seem to lump all affairs into one category when they are individual relationships with some commonality but enough differences to warrant an open mind. In my experience people who repeatedly go out of their way to disparage others are unhappy in some aspect of their own life. I'm sure there is a forum for that but this isn't it. Just my thoughts.

 

Maybe is an addition to the forum. In any event I feel a strong calling to alleviate the pain of the posters.

 

You are correct, I often lack the proper touch and tend to emphasize the search for happiness way too much.

[Lady2163]

Phoenix - if you don't like what someone has to say, put them on ignore.

 

If you feel their post is out of line, attacking you or offensive, report it.

 

Don't go away, this board is meant for you.

 

The consensus of people here is very strongly, "don't do it, stop doing it, have no further contact at all." For some that seems to work.

 

It has been said that very recently there has been an influx of betrayed spouses on this forum, spewing venom. They are hurting and it makes them feel better to make the other woman feel bad....any other woman.

[Pierre]

Phoenix - if you don't like what someone has to say, put them on ignore.

 

If you feel their post is out of line, attacking you or offensive, report it.

 

Don't go away, this board is meant for you.

 

The consensus of people here is very strongly, "don't do it, stop doing it, have no further contact at all." For some that seems to work.

 

It has been said that very recently there has been an influx of betrayed spouses on this forum, spewing venom. They are hurting and it makes them feel better to make the other woman feel bad....any other woman.

 

I think otherwise: If the BH is truly as she describes him to be she may need the OM to survive. She may do well in having two men meeting her emotional needs.

 

HOwever, she may have to learn to act in a more calculating manner and cover tracks well. It seems she is not in love with OM. OP is mostly after the attention. SHe has stated she can walk away from OM. This gives her a position of power.

 

No point in telling her to stop if she is not in pain. However, if she is hurting and the cure is NC then so be it.

[Phoenix32]

I was starting to feel a little conflicted a couple weeks ago, thinking I was becoming too attached to the OM, but he was gone for a week and a half back home with his family and we had no contact during that time. I discovered two things: I was just fine without him, and things with my H weren't any better without the distraction of the OM being around. So I guess that made things a little clearer to me - I don't NEED either of them, its a choice that I'm making. And when I decide that I don't want one or both, I know I can move on. I'm thinking the best thing for me would just be to be single, maybe have a casual relationship every once in awhile, but no serious relationships. Maybe someday I will just say to heck with it and go for it.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

Maybe is an addition to the forum. In any event I feel a strong calling to alleviate the pain of the posters.

 

.

 

I ❤ Pierre's posts and analogies! (even though they dont align with my current situation most times, lol)

 

And yes, I think he was trying to understand why OP came here, since we all have questions/concerns.

 

Keep sharing Phoenix32

[harrybrown]

You do say you love your husband. How would you feel if he were having an affair? would you divorce him? If he does find out about your affair, he will be hurt deeply. Sometimes the hurt does not go away and even after three years, my mind movies make it so I can not sleep for very long. I wish that I had died before finding out. I am not the perfect husband, I have my faults, but I must have done something right for the first 36 years of marriage. She did not really think of me, just selfish is the answers that I get. It has destroyed my life. It is all I think about in my spare time. It is good that I have to work quite a bit to support her lifestyle. She will have so much more fun with all the money I have earned and saved during our married life. I would not have found out, if her OM did not have affairs with four other ladies at the same time. One of them got upset and set me straight. I do think she was surprised that she was not the only one he cheated with at the time. I do wish you the best and hope that your husband does not find out, but if you do think he will, it would be so much better to have you tell him. and do not give him some of the truth, give him all the truth at once. It does not start the bleeding over each time.

[Feb]

Welcome Phoenix! I won't criticize here because you are not necessarily looking for advice on how to get out, nor do you seem to be emotionally torn over the situation yet. However, I will caution that affairs do have a big impact on children whether they are eventually discovered or not, and you seem to care for your son deeply. You mention he goes to daycare, so he must be pretty young.

 

As the relationship with MM progresses, there will be more time spent with him, more texting, calls, and sneaking around that will take place. That will take your time and attention away from your son. Most of us did not realize the impact on our children while in the A, but see the difference in how we pay attention to our kids once we are out of the A.

 

 

The other scenario is that the A is discovered down the road and your son finds out about it. No matter what the scenario, kids know that affairs are wrong, and this kind of news would affect him for sure. So now he will have an inattentive father and a cheating mother, which could leave him in a vulnerable state. Just something to consider.

 

 

Keep reading and keep posting!

[orangegirl]

Hello everybody, this seems like a place where I can tell my story and not totally get bashed for it....I hope anyway. Same old story I guess, mine has a few twists though. I am married and having an affair with a married man. I never thought I would be the kind of person to do something like this but it happened. The MOM is living and working here in my town, but he is from another state and his wife and family are still back there. He had been having marriage problems long before he came up here for work. I knew him for over a year just casually before there was even any attraction. Oh I thought he was a good looking guy but not like I would act on it since I was married.

I guess I was feeling abandoned in my marriage, my H is a basically good man, but anything to do with our son is my responsibility, from getting him to sports, dropping off and picking up from daycare, and any financial responsibilities too. H has never even paid for a doctor bill for our son. I have tried to talk to him about it and he pretty much just blows me off and acts like I'm crazy. I was feeling like a single mom even though I'm married, and I guess that left me vulnerable. So a few months ago, the OM happened to mention that he was attracted to me and had been for a year. I at first told him no way because I was married, but thanked him for the compliment. A week or so later I was at an awards banquet and ran into him at the bar there. We had a few drinks and talked, and I felt so comfortable talking to him. At first the affair was just physical, and we had even discussed that we were just having fun and this wasn't going anywhere. But I noticed that he seemed to be getting more attached to me and being incredibly sweet. One evening he asked if we could meet for breakfast in the morning, and he was so excited to see me even though we just had breakfast together and then went our separate ways. A week or so after that, we were together at his place and he told me that he loved me and could tell that I felt the same way about him. I was surprised but I could kind of tell from the way he had been to me. I honestly can't see any signs that he is using me or manipulating me, he always puts me first, treats me with respect, and is careful not to do anything that could get me in trouble. He treats me and all women I've seen him interact with with respect, and I have never had that or even seen that from a man before. We communicate mostly by text message and only get together every other week or so. He has told me many times that we are friends first and the other stuff is nice but if I ever feel like I can't handle the double life he's fine with that.

I do love my husband too, he basically ignores me and our son and after several abusive relationships he was exactly what I needed. So I love 2 men, and I'm not stupid enough to think that the OM will ever leave his wife and ride off into the sunset with me, but I sure am enjoying the way he treats me and I don't want to give it up. I wouldn't leave my H either, he is stable and I just couldn't go thru an ugly divorce again. Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to tell the story since I can't talk to anybody else about it.

 

 

Your H seems like he can be a mean man. I think a M should involve both H and W, so I don't blame you for seeking out a MM.