Boyfriend cheated on XW 12+ times

[aerinha]

Everything was going well. I was falling more in love than I ever have before. Then, in a conversation where we were joking out about who would get elected to the Senate first, he said that he couldn't ever get elected because of the skeletons in his closet.

 

Fifteen minutes later I was sitting in a state of shock as I realized that the man I have admired cheated on his ex-wife in excess of 12 times during 17 years. Apparently, the marriage was a very cold one from the first.

 

He swears that he has changed/grown up. He swears that I am the only one he wants and that he doesn't look at other women anymore.

 

I have asked myself over and over again in the last day:

1.) Can you admire someone who did something like this?

2.) Would I ever be able to trust him?

3.) Won't he do the same thing to me some day?

[Cecelius]

This is a very, very tough one. Did he ever have an event where he ended up paying for his cheating? Meaning, did he have to fess up to it to someone or something similar?

 

My reason for asking is that people have habits, and cheating is one of them. In my experience, unless he's had to really face it then there is no real reason for him to change his habits.

 

And that means that if the way his mind works, he's allowed to go find certain attention from other people because he's not getting it at home, he'll continue to do it. Most cheaters are pretty big on getting attention and being fulfilled by someone else, and they tend to look to others to do it for them.

[reservoirdog1]

Very true. My TBXWW had a weird thing about needing men to find her attractive (the weird part being the NEEDING). Those that didn't, she figured were gay. (When we were married, I thought she was beautiful, but she definitely wasn't model material or anything.) This stemmed from adolescence; she'd been a bit overweight and had low self-esteem, and dealt with it by getting guys to sleep with her.

 

Unfortunately for her, what she did to me got out into general circulation among a lot of people, and damaged her reputation. This, I expect, will further damage her self-esteem. That, and I know that there are quite a few people who don't like her for reasons that have nothing to do with me.

 

So, will she therefore continue to feel that the only way she can feel good about herself is to get men into bed? Don't know. Not my problem anymore. For the sake of her boyfriend, hopefully she'll get over that.

 

The point being, people in committed relationships who have one-time flings with somebody else can often be filed into the category of "people who did stupid things in the heat of the moment." It's not an excuse, but they got caught up in things, one thing led to another, etc. There was a momentary need there that got fulfilled, but often it's not symptomatic of a larger problem with the person who strayed (though it may suggest a problem with the relationship).

 

Serial cheaters, however, usually have a problem that's more personal than specific to the relationship they're in. They have trouble setting boundaries, place their needs above those they've made commitments to, and the cheating makes them feel good, feel desirable, etc. That's why it's hard for them to stop -- it's like a drug.

 

Yours is a tough situation. I can't tell you what you should do because I don't know. You do need to treat cautiously, however. I provide the above as food for thought. Good luck...

[DJ_Dork]

usually people like your man wouldn't be honest and admit actual cheating - this is a good and bad thing. He's honest... YET the reason why people may cheat is because they're seeking attention they can't get from the current partner. That's deceitful. Would he be likely to cheat on you? YES he would.

[The_Analyzer]

12 times?? Hmmm...that could be you one day. Think about that. I would hope it wouldn't happen to you, but his track record doesn't sound to good. Good luck.

 

 

Just my 2 cents.

[yes]

I think a more important question is - why did he stay with his wife? Did the wife know he was cheating? Was she, too? You have to know more about that marriage, i think.

 

I don't think that just cuz he cheated on the ex-wife, that he'll cheat on you. His honesty is to be appreciated.

 

good luck,

-yes

[UCFKevin]

If it was ONE time, hmm, maybe if he says he changed, okay, but TWELVE times? C'mon. How can you go from one extreme to another? I don't think it's likely. I'd say you'll be next on the cheat list, sweetheart, so save yourself the heartache. This guy can't be trusted.

 

Even if she knew and she cheated to, that doesn't make it right.

 

TWELVE TIMES?

[aerinha]

From the way he describes her, she probably never cheated on him. And apparently, she never caught him, although she suspected a couple of times and he cut off contact with those women. They got married when he was 20 after knowing eachother for three months. Apparently, he had not wanted to marry her (after he proposed), but did so anyway because the wedding was all planned. Within the first six months, she was pregnant. She sounds very cold, unloving and uncommunicative, but I'm realistic enough that I realize that is just his side.

 

He told me, "Every other time, I'd fantasize the woman was my wife. But with you, all I think about is you." I'm the first person he's dated since his divorce.

 

Shoot. He'd pretty much convinced me on the phone last night that he doesn't have a problem (I brought up possible sex addiction) and that he would never do that to me. And now, my head is reeling again.

[UCFKevin]

How often do cheaters say, "Yeah, I'll probably cheat on you,"?

[aerinha]

He says he stayed with his wife because he believed that's what you do when you have kids (they have 2). His dad was a big "family man" and I think he was trying to live up to him. Part of me wonders whether he was just too much of a coward to get out.