screw the "brotherhood"

[believe2005]

I don't hate cops. I used to have a great deal of respect for them since I'm married to a cop, but since I suspected he was cheating on me (for a number of reasons...i could go on and on, no "solid evidence"), I bought computer software to track our home computer activity. Turns out when I go out of town, or even just leave the house, he chats online trying to pick up women in close proximity to our city, and one he chats with regularly out of state. They just exchanged phone numbers. I only have one IM recorded from them and he talks about how he can't wait to kiss and put his hands all over her, she asks what they are going to do with this "thing they have" and they discuss how they think they can now talk on the phone and maybe even travel to see each other. Apparently, she emails him and send him pictures at his work email, which he says he can't access at home. So that's only available at his work computer.

 

And, he's wised up and now I think he's figured out I might know something, so he's stopped using the home computer and uses the work computer and work phone, both of which are protected, being issued by the PD. I think he knows I've tapped into his (my) computer and cell phone records, so I am screwed with finding out any more information. He's not saying anything b/c I know he doesn't want to mention it if he thinks I truly am clueless about his activities. How in the hell do you catch a cop???? I'm tired of being lied to. I ask him if he's happy, if there's anything we need to work on, blah, blah, blah, but he says no, he loves me so much, is so proud of me, just gets cranky sometimes and is sorry, etc. I don't know if he's actually sleeping with anyone, but based upon two very breif IMs that I happened to be able to catch in a one week period, at the house only, he's actively seeking something, and as naive as I must be, he coul very well be sleeping with more than just someone. With all that extra help (a work computer, a work phone, lots of hours at that desk to chat, etc.), I KNOW I'm missing alot of info. and it just infuriates me. But I'm an actress and I can act like nothing is wrong with the best of them.

 

If anyone can put me in touch with someone who is good at this stuff, I'm relatively computer savvy and fiercly devoted to the "truth." I'd love to get into his work email, but I think there's a firewall or something there. And I'd love to bug his work Nextel. And no, confronting is not going to work. When someone lies to you all the time, right to your face, w/o batting an eye, and IMs you in between the sexy, coniving IMs to the "other woman" to tell you how much he loves and misses you, sorry--but I couldn't care less about asking him to work on his issues, b/c I just know he's going to lie to me again, and again, and again. I just don't understand how someone can be so fake. And how they can turn around and be controlling and jealous of the person they are cheating on! What I need is more evidence before I drop this bomb. Two IMs isn't going to cut it. Any ideas from anyone in the same boat or that is pissed off enough to help me??

 

*sigh*

 

Thanks for listening...

[tattoomytoe]

why waste your time and energy to Play the Game. Either do something with what you know now, i.e- see if you can work it out, etc... Or get the hell outta Dodge....

 

I prefer the latter....then you can look back at the dumb expression on his face when you up and leave for no Reason.

[JessicaAlmond]

I agree..what more evidence do you need?

 

Do you have children with him? If so it would be more complicated but if not get up and leave.

 

He thinks he is being slick and you have caught him already.

 

Pack all your sh*t and leave it by the door. When he comes home put your actress skills to work. He's going to ask whats going on? when he see's you stuff packed up. You look him straight in the eyes and tell him that you know EXACTLY whats going on (even if you don't) and that he better come clean and confess or you are GONE.

[sami]

There is no way that I know could help you to find out what is going on. Since you have no access to his office phone or computer you are completely left out and definitely you are way behind if he is still talking to her or to anybody else. If he is a professional liar ( many cops are), there is no way but to leave him. Life with him will not very much change to the better. This is what you have; you either love it or leave it.

[Owl]

Originally posted by believe2005

I only have one IM recorded from them and he talks about how he can't wait to kiss and put his hands all over her, she asks what they are going to do with this "thing they have" and they discuss how they think they can now talk on the phone and maybe even travel to see each other. Apparently, she emails him and send him pictures at his work email, which he says he can't access at home. So that's only available at his work computer.

 

I'm tired of being lied to.

 

 

 

And no, confronting is not going to work. When someone lies to you all the time, right to your face, w/o batting an eye, and IMs you in between the sexy, coniving IMs to the "other woman" to tell you how much he loves and misses you, sorry--but I couldn't care less about asking him to work on his issues, b/c I just know he's going to lie to me again, and again, and again. I just don't understand how someone can be so fake. And how they can turn around and be controlling and jealous of the person they are cheating on! What I need is more evidence before I drop this bomb. Two IMs isn't going to cut it. Any ideas from anyone in the same boat or that is pissed off enough to help me??

 

Edited your quote above a bit, but basically, how can the IMs you've already captured NOT be proof enough??? Can't wait to kiss....hands all over...what are we going to do.... Girlfriend, they don't come any more proof than that!! If you wait too long, its got the potential to be even worse yet!!

 

You're not interested in working on his issues...you know he's going to lie again, and you have no hopes of ever trusting him. What other next steps do you see besides kicking him to the curb? You sound like you've made up your mind...there's no reason to spend more anguish trying to capture proof from someone who suspects your on to him.

 

I went through something slightly similar with my wife...while I was at work, she would IM, email, and call a man who is out of state here. When I got the chat log, it was FAR worse than I suspected. They both kept telling each other how much they loved each other, and were planning on meeting in person (WITH ME THERE!!!) at an event halfway between the two states to see if what they had would work in person! In our case, I really do believe it was a mistake she's not going to make again. There was a lot to it...depression, etc... And our marriage has been pretty darn good for the previous 16 years.

 

If you have made a decision to do something about it (divorce, etc...) then you don't need any more proof. If you're still trying to decide what to do, knowing more about what he's done may be relevant, but you need to decide that for yourself.

 

You're not going to be able to get any kind of legal access to his phone or work computer if they're provided by the police force. But, if the bills are in HIS name, you should be able to see what numbers he's made to/from on the invoice. Just my thoughts.

[believe2005]

All this is true. Very true. I anticipated that I would get the "why the hell are you even caring about what else he's up to?" thing. I come from a traditional upbringing. I went into this marriage for better or worse, and yes, I do love him still.... and as I was raised, infedelity is the one thing you can use to leave. And I believe that (although I add physical abuse to that too, and some other nasty stuff), but for my own peace of mind, I guess I just need that proof--not just the IMs, the words. Well, unless they say..."last night was the best sex I ever had, baby". Well, that would be proof enough of course. Yeah, he's cheating "online" at this point, to my knowledge. But I need to have the proof of actual infidelity to justify my actions to myself AND.....who it's going to really hurt is my poor family, my poor sweet wonderful family that I am so fortunate to have and that love him so much, because he is soooooo the actor here. He should have the agents, not me. What makes me most angry, is that he's lying to them! (How wacked is that??? ha. I'm more worried about them!). I'm a strong woman and have always taken care of myself, so the proof is almost just to show them (and prove to myself, in case I ever second guess this), that, yeah, you though he was so great, and so did I. But just in case you think I'm losing my mind, and just getting tired of him and his cranky ways, here's a nice little picture, or email, or even "I walked in on him with her." i don't take my marriage vows lightly, and if this marriage fails, then I want it to be understood that HE did this. Truth be told, I"m still in shock. I think after time, it'll sink in and maybe more evidence won't be necessary. I thought it might be the case, but just hoped and prayed it wasn't. And it is. so there you are.

 

Yes, it's going to get worse, but the "worse" for me means that I have more real proof. I know that sounds sadistic, and no I'm not into self-deprication and stuff. Must just be an emotional thing. But the sooner I can catch the REAL info, the less time I'll have to stew in this.

 

This is a great board. Glad I found it. THanks for being on my side and for the advice here. I really appreciate it. I shall continue to seek sneaky ways to catch a cop. And I sware, if I succeed, I will come back here and share with you all how I did it and then I'll become a published author...cause this ain't going to be easy...

[HokeyReligions]

I understand the need to know.

 

 

In your place I would first contact an attorney for myself and then, if you really want to be bold (beware: stiff consequences for all involved) talk to the Internal Affairs Bureau. If he is using a work computer that is supplied by the police department and paid for with tax dollars, he will be in very deep doo doo. I would make sure you are financially set first - there could be backlash.

[Owl]

Hell yeah, Hokey!! Very good call. Get ahold of IA...if he's using dept resources to break the law (i.e...have an affair), he's definitely HOSED!!! If he's NOT, then they won't do anything to him. BUT, as Hokey said, make sure you've got a plan...cause he'll lose his job at the least if he IS doing something illegal. If he's not, then there should be no issues. What an AWESOME thought.

[believe2005]

Hm. That's a great idea actually. An anonymous tip even to IA, so they can start an investigation...provided they have the resources to uncover this kind of thing? I wonder if they can recover those emails? You'd think so...But considering how rampant affairs are in police departments, I wonder why more cops haven't lost their jobs if it's illegal?? I'm sure more than one of them has used a cruiser to get from point A to point B for an affair and that's using the PD resources to break the law too. Then again, the brotherhood may protect itself, and he has managed to work his way up a bit over there. Figures...

[DaiseyEyes]

Does he go on a certain website to flirt with local women? If so, is it possible for you to go "undercover" on a friends computer to try and catch him in the act?

[whichwayisup]

Hire a private detective is another alternative. They can supply photos, videos, recorded conversations... Just another thought to consider.

[believe2005]

He seems to jump around a bit in the chat rooms, but sticks mostly with Yahoo. And it seems he gravitates toward screen names that have some kind of uniformed officer indication, whether its police or other. I thought about lurking, but just finding the room he might be in is going to be hard. A private I would be a definite possibility, provided I can get a hold of that kind of money....

 

Thanks for the feedback!!

[jmargel]

I could get you into his work email, etc.. but it wouldn't be legal. Sorry, I just can't risk that.

 

Besides what he has said in the IM should be enough to convince you something is very wrong with your marriage. Instead of sneaking around, the best advice is to confront him on this. Tell him you know about this other woman, and you want to hear his side of the story.. The truth. He'll more than likely ask you how much you know, but don't tell him. Show him your upsetment, your anger. If you coward to him, he won't give you any more info than you already know.

 

At this point you then have to either decide whether or not what he has done is a deal-breaker. In that you no longer want to fix what is wrong within' the relationship. If you decide to try to fix things, then marriage counseling is a must. It will be a very long time before you can trust him again. Something tells me you two have been having problems for quite awhile, which was way before all this stuff with the chatting began.

[believe2005]

You're very right about all this. I guess what I was thinking was that if I just knew how far he had pushed this, if he has actually consumated these or this relationship, then I'd know just how extreme the problem is..or how little consideration he actually has for me. If the chats are just ego-boosting for him....mabye he's leading them on...enjoying the attention (which is bad enough I know), versus actually meeting up with people and having sex, then, then it wouldn't be as BIG a problem--meaning he didn't take it to that level. As much as I don't want to admit, I know we need help. It makes me sick. And truth is, I didn't realize we had problems to this degree. I figued we had our issues here and there like everyone else--we don't even fight that much! But I never thought he would bold-face lie to me and ever talk to other women that way...or entertain the thought. I feel so stupid. He says i'm naive and here he is taking advantage of one of the weaknesses he says he doesn't like.

 

Thanks for the level headed advice.

[She's Come Undone]

Do you know his user name on Yahoo?

[Owl]

Ohhhh, Evil!!! I LOVE IT. Have someone from this board (or another friend if you're more comfortable), create a yahoo acct that has a profile of some local to your area. Make it sound like someone slinky, and have them send him an IM asking to be added to his buddy list. Let him make all the moves from there, and log/archive the chat session(s) the whole time. Then, email them back to you, and BANG...Bob's your uncle!!! Might not stand up in court (entrapment?), but should be more than enough proof for your interests. Might be enough to get IA really involved...because if you bring it to their attention with PROOF that it occurred while he was at work/on company time and equipment, they HAVE to do something about it. I'm sure that this is where She's Come was coming from...it's an evil and devious plan...SWEET!

[believe2005]

Yes I do. And hers too. When he's online I check to see if she's online and sometimes she is. I just know they are chatting it up.

[believe2005]

Hm. That's a thought....good idea!

[She's Come Undone]

I got on and made up a "cop" nickname, I'd love to try and entice him!! LOL

[Ladyjane14]

This is almost EXACTLY what happened with my husband. I have posted ad nauseum on the subject, so I won't bore you with all the details.

 

The important thing to remember is that this behavior becomes fairly addicting. There are lots of reasons for it, burning off job stress could be just one. When people begin spending lots of times on these pornographic chat sites, the deviant behavior they observe there becomes THE NORM for them. They will say and do things under those circumstance that may have been abhorrent to them in the past.

 

My husband was just days away from meeting up with one of these cam-wh*res! The danger that your husband might someday succumb is real. But don't assume that he already has. It's tough talk in those places, and not everyone is doing what they say they are.

 

There's a huge boost to the ego by getting attention. It's a rush to know that the 'diva' of the chatroom will talk to you, or private message with you, and then to watch her ignore all the other guys in the room.

 

I posted this to someone else recently. Please excuse me for quoting myself. It beats typing!

 

My husband and I have been married over 20 years and we have two children together. We've managed to repair our relationship and are closer than ever.

 

Honestly though, I'd never criticize any woman who chose to run like the hounds of hell were nipping at her heels! It's alot more painful than most people would imagine. It's an unseen enemy, like having invisible people in the room and in the relationship.

 

It's NOT at all harmless when you're spouse is INTERACTING with people who frequent porn sites. These people have an AGENDA, and so does your spouse. And so did mine.

 

I did quite a study on all this when I finally found out about it. I've spent many hours sitting right alongside my husband and learning all there was to know about the sites that he was visiting.

 

What I learned is that just like any other group of people, they are neither all good or all bad. They all DO have a reason for being there though.

 

I noticed that there are basically three types of women:

 

One type is the women who are being paid. This is just a job to them.

 

The second type is Waiting-For-Prince-Charming. These are women who actually believe that they are going to meet someone wonderful. They are unconcerned about if Prince Charming already has a family. They are able to rationalize it all in their minds and justify it. They are desperate and often sex-starved in their current relationship or without a relationship at all.

 

The third type are the Divas. There are actually two sub-classes of them. However the both are women who want the attention of a man's pursuit. They are greedy to be in the spotlight, but lack the real-life assets that would put them there.

 

The difference between the two classes is that the first group WANT the attention. A woman in this group recognises it for what it is and just enjoys it. The second group NEEDS it. They no longer have the ability to lift up their own self-esteem, and become quite addicted to the sites that they visit. They are territorial over the men (and women) who they string along, and they will display sexual promiscuity as needed to keep that attention coming.

 

The men have their agendas too. They are easier to spot. Some are just look there for titillation. Some are looking to cheat, usually looking for casual sex. There ARE a few pitiful specimens that really don't have alot to offer women in the real world. I've seen a few who were mentally handicapped. Alot of the men are just curious. Men seem to be endlessly curious about sex! I think this has to do with how fundemental their sexual prowess is to their internal view. They're taking the temperature of the sexual climate. Making sure that they are normal. But don't we all do that, at least on some level?

 

Anyway, don't feel guilty if you have to snoop. My sweet man looked right into my eyes and LIED HIS A$$ OFF! You can't fix a problem that you can't identify, so if you don't believe you have all the facts either go and get them, or kick him to the curb if you're done with him.

 

You know, I don't condone trying to control somebody else's life or make decisions for them, but you really do have to take responsibility for what it is that YOU can live with. If you can't tolerate it then sit him down and let him know what you CAN tolerate. There's room for compromise, but both of your truest needs must be met. Otherwise, you're just building resentment.

 

 

I only got my husband to admit to all this by presenting him with the evidence that I had uncovered -AND- by visiting a lawyer before I confronted him with it. He knew I meant business. And the reality is that I was done! I wanted a divorce, so I'm as SHOCKED as anybody that we are still together.

 

I was able to hack into his accounts by guessing his passwords. Cops are smart, but they still have to write things down. You know him best, where would he keep the passwords?

 

I also checked cell phone detail-records, you need to register your account online to do this. I checked bank statements and credit-card statements. If you're seeing an out-of-town cam wh*re, you'll probably need to stop for gas. He's probably covering his tracks pretty well, given his profession. But this is very addictive, and they get careless after a while. Mine went for six months before I caught him!

 

Good luck.