Relationship with co-worker just took strange turn

[Esotlam]

I am engaged and "she" is recently married. We began working with one another back in 2009 (when I was single and she was dating her now husband) and we immediately hit it off. I was very attracted to her and she seemed to be into me. I ended up spending many hours at work talking to her over instant messenger and we talked about all sorts of stuff. At the time I saw her as a possible future relationship if she ever broke up with her then boyfriend (now husband). There is a big unspoken rule at my place of employment not to date co-workers (but it's not expressly forbidden) - so I never held out much hope that we'd be together.

 

Fast forward a few years and now she's engaged to be married and I'm in a serious relationship. Immediately prior to the wedding, she confides me in that she and her then fiance were having some problems around the wedding and that she actually took the ring off for a full 24 hours but then reconciled. Also - she further confided in me that she had romantic feelings for another man and was having issues committing to marrying her fiance and never being with anyone else. After these incidents, there seemed to be quite a bit of fighting but despite that they got married. I always thought there was a chance the "other man" she had feelings for was me.

 

Fast forward to present. She's married and I'm engaged. We continue to be great friends. About a week ago we walking somewhere outside of work and she tells me that after about a year of marriage she's finding it really difficult. She repeats what she had told me earlier that she's having a hard time grappelling with only being with one person for the rest of her life, having sex with only her husband, etc. These comments seemed to come out of nowhere - it had been at least a year since we had a conversation about anything like this. I had never really been sure whether or not she viewed me as just a close friend or something more - but there was just something about this comment which struck a chord. It seemed to me to be a pretty drastic comment and I wasn't sure why she confided this with me. It's not like we're best friends or even close-- in fact she didn't even invite me to her wedding (which was a small destination one). I listened to what she said and tried to empathize with the situation and explain how difficult a lifelong commitment is.

 

Fast forward to a day later, and I couldn't help but prod her a little more on our conversation. I sent her an IM and said something along the lines of - "I'm worried about you - if you ever need to talk further, I'm always here to listen." She said she really appreciated it and said she was just "venting". A day later she asked me if I had ever seen the movie "Once". I said "no" and then looked it up on wikipedia. Turns out the movie is about a flirtatious relationship between two musicians who are in love with each other but the woman in the movie is married and unavailable. The movie concludes with them NOT getting together. Before I read the plot summary I asked her why she was asking and she said "just curious, it was a movie that I worked on at my previous job".

 

Any advice on how to proceed here? Yes I'm engaged but at the same time I feel a very strong connection here and want to know if she feels the same way. The not knowing is killing me but at the same time I feel it could permanently impair our relationship if I confronted her head-on.

[bentleychic]

Do you love your fiance? If so, back away, hold co-worker at an arm's length (if not further away) and don't fall in to the role of being her shoulder to lean on and confidant. I have never seen that end well with members of the opposite sex.

[Pierre]

People that work together fall in love every day whether they are happy in the marriage or not. This is basic human physiology.

 

Most affairs develop when men and women work closely together. Eventually the conversation becomes intimate and there is an emotional connection.

 

 

People with boundaries put on the brakes before they develop feelings. Those that have no boundaries, need validation, and are capable of cheating continue.

 

Nothing new here.

 

The Psychology Of Why We Fall In Love With Coworkers

[Esotlam]

Yes I love my fiancee but I have very strong feelings for my co-worker too. Would I be happier with this co-worker? I have no idea. There is just all this tension and it's driving me crazy. The not knowing kills me.

[Pierre]

Yes I love my fiancee but I have very strong feelings for my co-worker too. Would I be happier with this co-worker? I have no idea. There is just all this tension and it's driving me crazy. The not knowing kills me.

 

Having intimate conversations with good looking co-workers leads to affairs. She sounds like an extremely troubled woman. Be a man and stay away. She is unstable.

[Esotlam]

Having intimate conversations with good looking co-workers leads to affairs. She sounds like an extremely troubled woman. Be a man and stay away. She is unstable.

 

There are a lot of assumptions in this comment and I'm not going to address all of them. This relationship extends way beyond this recent intimate conversation. It is clear to me that she made a mistake and I feel that if I just ignore this I could potentially closing the door on something special. Maybe I'm just smitten and enamored with the idea of having something forbidden - but on the other hand, I have always felt a connection here and I've tried to surpress it because it's seemed impossible to pursue.

 

Also, with her bringing up "Once" I feel like she was challenging me to address our relationship, and I didn't. I feel like it is odd for her to have brought that up and for us to move on like nothing ever happened.

Edited July 27, 2013 by Esotlam

[Lady2163]

First off..you're able to IM personal stuff at work and not get in trouble?

 

You obviously have rapport, friendship and some chemistry with your coworker.

 

I'm wondering if she's at a crossroad right now - and this could be a huge leap, so my apologies if I'm way off base.

 

She has four options if she is unhappy in her marriage.

 

1. Leave things as they are and be unhappy

2. Get counseling, individual and marital

3. Leave him, get a divorce

4. Have an affair with you.

 

If she's truly not the type to have an affair and has never cheated before, is that really how you want her? To be honest, the first time I cheated probably crushed my soul and warped my morals.

[Pierre]

There are a lot of assumptions in this comment and I'm not going to address all of them. This relationship extends way beyond this recent intimate conversation. It is clear to me that she made a mistake and I feel that if I just ignore this I could potentially closing the door on something special. Maybe I'm just smitten and enamored with the idea of having something forbidden - but on the other hand, I have always felt a connection here and I've tried to surpress it because it's seemed impossible to pursue.

 

Also, with her bringing up "Once" I feel like she was challenging me to address our relationship, and I didn't. I feel like it is odd for her to have brought that up and for us to move on like nothing ever happened.

 

OK, you are a newbie, I see your point.

 

This woman needs heavy duty attention. She wants to be loved, but at the same time proceeded to get married without being in love. This is a huge red flag. This tells me that she is having serious issues and needs external validation to survive. She loves no one.

 

Many of these women think that marriage will bring the happiness they seek, but they are mistaken. No one can make someone else happy 24/7. So she gets married and realizes she is still unhappy. So she does the only thing she knows to do, find another guy to make her happy. This only works on a temporary basis and once you are yesterday's show she will need someone else.

 

To say to a man out of the blue "I cannot handle having sex with just my H" is a very forceful "come on". She is is serious need of external validation and the best validation in the world is a sexual conquest.

 

 

You seem naive and already fell for her charm. I am sure, she is quite sexy, that is part of her personal to obtain validation.

 

 

You are standing at the precipice. she will use you and destroy you. In the end you will lose your fiancé too.

 

But, go ahead----go ahead and have sex with a married woman. And make sure her vagina was not recently used to have sex with her H that same day or the day before.

[Wambo]

Esotlam.

 

Please keep in mind while our profiles of your friend may not be totally correct but we had first hand experience what you are going through. I tell you what your friend needs and it ain't you. At the moment you are a distraction for her and if you keep this game up not only will it destroy your friendship but it will end your relationship with your fiance aswell.

You will need to back off and give her space. If she needs a friend to help her out then it had to be a woman or otherwise she will become emotionally attach like she is doing with you.