Depressed, Possible BPD? Narcissistic? Ex Girlfriend Left Me For Someone Else.

[mbgeezle]

6 year relationship. Tried killing herself January, alcohol abuse, cocaine abuse. I stood by her through thick and thin. Put up with emotional and verbal abuse for months. Typical things where 'you don't care about me' 'I hate you' 'your a f**cking p**ck' 'what have I got to live for' 'you'll all get over it if I kill myself'. She'd be extremely paranoid, questioning me over and over about trivial nonsensical things. She'd repeat herself 3/4 times in a conversation. I paid her cocaine debt because she begged for my help. I do this and spend 2 weeks nurturing her, cooking her good food, walks in the fresh air, making sure she got enough sleep, after one binge to many. She's was on citalopram (not sure if she still is). I take her awayr for her bday at the end of these 2 weeks. Spoil her rotten and everything was great. More in love than ever. Tells me how much she loves me etc. 2 days after returning home becomes distant. Says she wants to be alone, she loves me, I'll never lose her she just needs space. Then find out there's another guy and has been for a while. I confront her at her home after she dumped me by text and ignored my calls for s week. She laughs at me the whole time I pour my heart out and really pays little to no attention to what I'm saying. Looking in people's windows who she knows etc. 'I can't believe you've come here' she said laughing. I return home heartbroken. She says she loves me with all her heart and always will, but 'not like that'. Cop out excuse for her new guy. She's still sniffing cocaine, drinking, not daily I doubt but regularly. Her new boyfriend is living at her mother's house with her and has been from near enough the beginning. I heard her brother owes money out for cocaine and attacked her mother. I text her to make sure she's ok and her mother. No reply. Ignorance. Will it last? Shows traits of bpd? Narcissistic? Never had an apology or genuine admitall of guilt either. I was loyal to this girl when most men would of ran.

[mbgeezle]

I would like to share other instances which lead me to believe she has some kind of mental disorder . Other traits and incidents which seem to reaffirm my thinking.

[Joyvke]

I think it has more to do with the drugs she's using. Or was she like this before as well?

[mbgeezle]

From my personal experience, the person she led me to believe she was, was warm, gentle, caring, honest, considerate. This isnt who she is and according to long standing 'ex' friends, she's always been n extremely secretive. Lies when there's no need to lie etc. The cocaine use became more prominent over our last 3/4 months together. So did the alcohol binges. She said she couldn't have a good relationship with either substance. She'd get extremely erratic or confrontational when drunk. Lash out and abuse me. She'd drink to the point of blacking out. Crying when absolutely legless.

 

I've been told by a mutual friend she sniffs to much and can't afford to keep doing it as much as she does. The new boyfriend obviously facilitates this behaviour. I wouldn't have that as I saw the downfall and had to put up with the repercussions or her substance abuse. I'm not saying it's a daily occurrence but it's at least twice a week no doubt. She should be still taking anti depressants which personally I think are wrongly prescribed as I see more BPD/Bipolar/NPD traits from her.

[keepontruckin]

In the six years, how many of them has she had these problems?

[mbgeezle]

I'll outline her behaviour over the years together.

 

- very intense first few months, madly in love, me 17/18 her 16/17. Moved into her mother's house within a few months (young, dumb)

 

- strong sense of ownership from her. If I went out with friends I was picking them over her, if I didn't come back when I said I was all hell would break loose, she'd ring me every 10 minutes asking me where I was etc

 

- chronic cannabis habit from her. I smoked, but it wasn't a problem. She had terrible mood swings, emotionally unstable. Her father is in a home from drinking himself to dementia, she has seen her mother be abused, im almost certain she has been abused herself but she wouldn't admit that

 

- she quit cannabis. Doting girlfriend. Did my washing, cleaning, made me sandwiches. Typical girlfriend stuff. Still always seemed like treading on egg shells. You had to be careful what you said and who you mentioned for fear of her flying off the handle

 

- if I mentioned things I liked or people, she'd 9 times out of 10 demonise it or them. Or quite plainly say she couldn't care less what I was saying.

 

- Over our last month's together (Depression started in December) suicide attempts (taking 60+ paracetamols on 2 occasions within 2 weeks) alcohol binges, to the point of blacking out, erratic cocaine use. These are just the things I know she was doing. God only knows what else. She'd ring me saying she was sad and didnt no why. I tried my best to understand and console her. Sometimes I'd deny depression existed and insisted there must be a trigger. She insisted it just happens. I put up with her verbal abuse, once or twixe when drunk she became physical. She knew how to push my buttons and get me angry to the point where I had to walk out a few times. Everything when she left was so much improved. I'd spent 2 weeks keeping her sober, getting her sleeping pattern in check as she hadn't slept properly in months

NOT one sign there was another guy, not one sign she felt any differently about me even though when she ended it by text she said she'd been feeling like it 'for a while'. She was in fact closer to me than ever. She made a point of staying the night we got back from her birthday weekend away, knowing she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She made sure she stayed that night. We woke up hand in hand like most times and that was the last time she stayed at my home.

[keepontruckin]

She's a mess, and I doubt there's much you can do for her.

 

She is slipping into extreme self-medication, and her world will only revolve around that. She will continue to make poor choice after poor choice, until she hits rock bottom and decides to change. She has to decide when change is ready, you cannot.

 

If she is ready to commit to change, I would say be supportive in ONLY matters regarding change. Otherwise, do NOT provide any sort of support that allows her to continue on her downward spiral. Do NOT give money. DO offer a ride to the rehab clinic, and nothing else.

 

This is the most you can do. Personally, I'd drop her like a hot potato, but it seems that you care about her. Only provide the care that helps her deal with her substance abuse issues.

 

If she can deal with that issue, then comes the mental health issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Again, I think think this is beyond the scope of most posters here...

[mbgeezle]

She left me for another guy and has pretty much ignored me ever since. Last time we did speak we parted on good terms. She said she'd always love me etc. I then told her not to contact me unless it's about reconciliation (stupid I no) I contacted her a month after this saying I think I was a bit hasty saying don't contact me again unless it's about us. Offered friendship, said we could meet up for a coffee or something when she was ready. Completely ignored. I then hear about her brother attacking her mother. Then leaving there family home as he owes people money for cocaine himself. I expressed my concern and just wanted to no they were both ok. Ignorance again. So I've gone back to no contact. It seems that me being loyal, sticking by her, putting up with a unprecedented amount of verbal, emotional abuse over a sustained period and all o did was try and help the girl. She accepted my help though that is what is frustrating. But she obviously wasn't really ready to change as she is still using alcohol and cocaine. When before she had major issues with both. Surely you can't go from having major issues, to be able to do it recreationally like you or me. Factoring in her depression aswell.

[keepontruckin]

There's nothing you can do for her. You can only do for yourself.

 

I am familiar with substance abuse issues, so that's the only reason I say be there for her when and if she is ready to change. Most people would just move on, quite honestly...

 

Look at the whole picture... She doesn't honour you, nor does she respect you. She's banging some other dude for coke.

 

Just forget about her. And if she desires change, trust me, she knows how to contact you. And when/if that time comes, it will be your call as to how to deal with that...

[mbgeezle]

I don't think she's banging this guy for coke as you put it. He isn't a coke dealer. He just facilitates this behaviour from her, as he'll be doing it himself. He won't see the bigger picture like I did. She's obviously made out like all is well and good with her now. She's had no time to recuperate from breaking up with me, no down time to work on herself, just thrust herself straight into a new relationship, moved him in within 5 minutes etc.

 

You can't go from being chronically depressed to the point of attempting ending your own life, to being absolutely mentally well within 5 months. Especially with all her issues. Recovery from depression can take years and I no deep down she has never loved herself. Until she is on her own for a sustained period, she never will. She needs to be needed and wanted by others to validate her. Jumping from one long term relationship to the next isn't good for an emotionally stable person IMO, never mind someone like my ex.

 

I'll be there for her when she's ready to accept help. An apology would of been good, a thank you for all you did for me even better but I received neither. That's what hurts I suppose more than anything. Disappointment that she could be so cold, cheating, vindictive, liar, using. All things I'd never believe she was.

[keepontruckin]

I'll be there for her when she's ready to accept help.

You go to sleep tonight knowing this is more than what 99% of other people would do.

 

You sleep well, as you are now offering every opportunity for her to get better, and are willing to see it through.

 

You must also know that you are a good person, with qualities that may be desirable to other women. You must not shut out other opportunities at this point, even though you may not be looking for them...

[mbgeezle]

I no after the way I've been treated not just leaving me for another guy and the very least emotionally cheating on me. But the months of confusion, anger, despair, heartache I suffered aswell as her during the toughest time of her life, I should walk away and never look back. I am to a certain extent. I will never contact her again. Id she contacts me for help and I feel she really means it, I'll put my heart and soul into helping her and supporting her through it. I love her and I always will in one way or another. She shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone, never mind someone who facilitates her self destructive behaviour. It might not be destructive to them, but I've seen the side nobody bar her mother has seen. I'll pray for her and hope things work out in the end, one way or another.

[orionboxing]

A lot of drama and room for more drama is you continue to keep involved in this woman's life. Outside of her drug use.....the intense quick courtship, possessiveness, jealously, walking on eggshells, and her trashing everyone are hallmark traits of BPD (trust me, I know) and are absolute dealbreakers in any healthy relationship.

 

She's mentally ill.

 

Not married to her? No kids with her? RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!

 

You have an opportunity to make your life better and it will improve as soon as leave this person and all the garbage they have inflicted on you.

[Downtown]

MB, I agree with Orion that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, rapid flips between adoring and demonizing you, strong sense of entitlement, blame-shifting, verbal abuse, self-loathing, controlling behavior, self harm (suicide attempts), black-white thinking, and lack of impulse control (e.g., drug use) -- are classic traits of BPD. Of course, only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so strong and persistent as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for full-blown BPD.

 

You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs if you take time to learn what red flags to look for. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as temper tantrums and always being "The Victim." Learning the warning signs is important -- especially for an excessive caregiver like you -- because you are at risk of leaving this woman only to run into the arms of another one just like her.

 

Your likely problem (like mine) is that your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). The result is that you will keep walking right on past on the emotionally healthy women (BORING) until you find another one who will desperately need you (until she starts demonizing you about six months later).

 

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in my several posts at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, MB.

[mbgeezle]

I agree I should run a mile. And I have to a certain extent. I won't contact her again and I won't involve myself in her life. I'd just like some kind of clarity on why she acted the way she did towards the end not just during the relationship. There was no signs of her not 'loving me but not being in love with me'. Certainly no sign of another guy in the picture. She called on me and leaned on me for everything. Being it a shoulder to cry on, , someone to verbally abuse or rant it. No matter what it was. I saw the girl I loved try and kill herself, and systematically destroy herself in front of my very eyes and it's like she didn't think it affected me at all. Now she's 'moved on' and is 'happy with herself for once', it's like she just wants to Bury it like it never happened. I NEVER could of done anything like she had done to me, to her. Even if I had no feelings for the girl, I'd have enough respect for the years we shared to treat her with as much dignity as possible. After I stood by her through all of that, I was chucked. And when she did end it (March 27th) when we'd been celebrating her birthday (March 15-17th) in London, closer than ever. Then BOOM, my life is flipped upside down. So people agree her behaviour screams bpd? Surely she must have some kind of mental disturbance to do what she has done to me, never mind her self destructive behaviour towards herself

[Downtown]

I'd just like some kind of clarity on why she acted the way she did towards the end not just during the relationship. There was no signs of her not 'loving me but not being in love with me'.

MB, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she probably did love you -- albeit in the immature way that young child is able to love. BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) typically have the emotional development of a four year old and thus are incapable of sustaining a long term relationship (unless they undergo many years of weekly therapy).

I NEVER could of done anything like she had done to me, to her.

That's because you are able to be in touch with all of your feelings simultaneously. Even when you are angry with her, your conscious mind is still in touch with the feelings of love you have. BPDers don't do that. Because they never developed an integrated sense of self, they are intolerant of experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties and other grey areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

BPDers therefore shoehorn everyone (including themselves) into a black or white box. They categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other (in just a few seconds) based solely on a minor comment or infraction. This is why a BPDer can love and adore you for days and then, in a few seconds, flip to devaluing or demonizing you.

 

Significantly, this flipping doesn't mean that the love is gone but, rather, that they are not in touch with it. Moreover, when they are in touch with the love, it is not the mature form of love that is required to sustain adult relationships. The result is that BPDers typically experience feelings that are both INTENSE and FLEETING. This is why it is sometimes said that a BPDer's feelings are "a mile wide and an inch deep."

After I stood by her through all of that, I was chucked.

With BPDers, that behavior is typical because -- absent years of treatment -- they are incapable of appreciating any sacrifices you make for more than a few days. It therefore is impossible, with BPDers, to build up a store of good will on which to draw during the hard times. There is no store of good will at all.

 

Instead, a BPDer's reality -- like that of any young child -- is whatever feelings she is experiencing at the moment. Hence, trying to build up a store of appreciation is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will be washed aside by the next tide of feelings flooding her mind.

[NiceFails]

She doesn't have self respect. I wonder if she's capable of respecting relationships.

[mbgeezle]

She was with me for 6 years though so did that by the end of it mean nothing? She didn't ever thank me for sticking by her, even when I asked her to. She never apologised for her downright disgusting treatment of me. I was by no means the perfect boyfriend, but who is? When called upon, I stood by her when most men would of ran I stood. Did everything and anything possible to help her. How she has managed to cut me loose like she has, move on to a new guy, move him in to her mother's house almost straight away, and then ignore me when I show concern about something I've heard. Not even 'im fine, thanks for your concern'. Why is that impossible for her?

 

When she broke my heart, I said everyone we know/knew now knows what you are ' they all love me' she replied. I said who loves you, 'everyone so f**k off'. She then proceeded to say I was crazy, how ironic when she was the one with mental health issues?

 

I wonder if this new relationship she is in will last. For her sake not for me getting back together with her etc. She'll be painting the picture now that's she's worth it and amazing no doubt. They've been together 4 months or so officially. I'm sure he knows she lied to him, said she hadn't seen her ex in a year, she was with me 3/4 days a week. She said she was going to stay with her aunt, to him and her friend, she was with me as I cared for her and nurtured her after her latest binge where she begged for my help. This is when she took the 100 pounds off me to pay her cocaine debt knowing full well she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me. This is not the actions of a well person wouldn't you agree?

[maturityassets]

I wouldn't be too concerned about what she is but what you are. There is a difference in going out of the limb to help your partner in a way that will transfer into a positive for her. Your ex is an addict and an abusive partner. Very much could be a narcissist by the way she dropped you off the face of the planet, used you financially and shows disregard to societies law. But for you to put up with that for so long, and excuse me if you are offended by this its not my intention to offend or judge you, can have some co-dependent behavior. Its one thing to love someone with all your heart not only because they bring out the best in you and you are attracted to them but its another thing to have walk on eggshells to please them. You are your own individual and you don't live to please her. I advise you to really find out who you are now that you are out of this long and scarring relationship. If she is a narcissist she won't remember you, but you don't stoop to her level. You take this relationship as an experience and bolster yourself up to the person you think you should be. Best of luck!

[mbgeezle]

She won't remember me? After 6 years she'll just forget? I suppose if that is the case I'll be better off. I do love the girl though and I'd hate to see things get worse for her. And I no they will if she carries on in the same way she has been. Its the relationship hopping. One thing I no my ex can't do is be alone. There is no way she'd of left me unless she had a replacement. That shows a big trait of bpd?

[mbgeezle]

Also now they've been 'locked off doing there own thing' for a good few months. According to friends of this guy she is now with, they no longer see him, he doesn't really speak to them much anymore. When he does meet his friends its shortlived. He's set a standard to her now where she is the centre of attention and of his time. When he does want to start spending time without her, with friends etc, this will go down badly. This I feel is when the arguments will start and the cracks will start to appear. I can't believe the guy, must know about her mental state, attempted suicides, cocaine and alcohol problems, and he's still facilitating that behaviour from her, drink and drug wise. How could he do that? Maybe she hasn't told him the ins and outs of what went on for those 4/5 months.

[mbgeezle]

When I think more deeply into her behaviour it screams bpd in so many ways. I always used to tell her to 'grow up'. This was when she'd cause arguments over absolutely nothing. Make issues where there didn't need to be any etc. When her face told a thousand stories about her mood, she'd look drawn out and down in the dumps. I'd ask what's wrong, 'I'm fine, there's nothing wrong' but there quite obviously was. I'd always say just tell me what's the matter 'nothing I'm fine'. She'd take things I said far to seriously. If I'd make a joke about her or something sher did in a light hearted manner she'd take it badly and flip out. Her drinking was out of control, she'd drink a bottle of wine like water. She came to the point of begging me for one more drink. She rang her father up (who is in a home due to alcohol abuse), to tell him she tried to kill herself, while she's extremely intoxicated herself). I tried to stop her from ringing him and she lashed out at me twice. Then cried her eyes out. I held her in my arms.

 

She would sit there itching for a drink. I'd say here you go take the money and go and get a bottle. 'No you'll hold it against me'. She's not alcohol dependent but she's a alcoholic. Does this certify even more that my thinking is correct that she has bpd? The inability to admit she's done wrong to, admit things she knows are true because she is ashamed, even to close friends. She flat our denied there was anyone else until she was caught out and even then it was a one word 'yes' answer when confronted. She proceeded to tell me I was Crazy, obsessed and needed help when she ended things and I found out about the other guy, how she'd used me and lied to me for weeks, possibly months on end. When asked why she came away with me for her birthday if she didn't love me she said she 'didn't no' and according to her we 'weren't even together'. So if we weren't together why would I go out my way to make your birthday as special as possible, and stick by you through all of this? I wouldn't, I'd of ran like any man. 'I don't no' is her favourite answer for any questions about her actions. Another thing that reaffirms my suspicions of bpd?

 

Will this new relationship last? Or will there be a 6-12 month honeymoon period until the cracks start appearing? Leaving me for another guy made me feel so inadequate. But not now. She literally left me for him, i did not see one sign of deceit or lies about that. She lied so much though when i think back to it. I said to her a few times have you cheated (this was after alcohol binges where she'd ring me up the next day screaming asking what had happened), of course I haven't. She even said when she broke it off, and I suggested there was someone else 'is that what you think of me? I could move on just like that, what do you take me for'. Loads of false promises towards the end. She said she'd come and at least talk face to face, 'I promise' I said do not promise if you don't mean it 'I promised didn't I' was her reply. Never came. She actually started it off by saying she needed space (this new guy was obviously not set in stone to take up where i left off yet), I said we'll go to the cinema and watch a film, -send me what's on, I'd love to go' she never came. Course I love you, "your not losing me, I do everything for you, I'm not saying we won't get back together, im saying I just need to be alone for a while because I never have, have I. Straight into the arms of another man.

 

Almost certain now she has bpd. It downtown could break down what I've said as done previously I'd be eternally grateful.

[mbgeezle]

I'd like anyone's input who has experienced a partner with bpd/depression. I'm slowly getting things clearer in my head and realising that when she has tried to portray herself as 'doing good now and happy for once with herself'. Its complete denial. She will genuinely believe she is happy no doubt about that, honeymoon phase etc. But I no, if this new guy left her today, she'd attempt suicide, go on a binge, contact me. I no this 100%. She isn't happy with herself because she hasn't been with 'herself' to learn to be happy alone.

[Emilia]

OP, I think what would be very useful for you is to work out why you have remained in this relationship for so long. This book has helped me a great deal Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

[maturityassets]

Like I said if she is a true narcissists, she will forget you completely, unless she has nobody else. You're not a doctor neither am I but if she does have BPD then there is a chance she will have developed personality disorders along with those addictions she already has. Its her own life but she needs help. She needs therapy, rehab, a stable environment, independence, and etc. You can't offer those things, no sole individual can. If she is ever going to save herself, its because of her own desires or deep reflections of who she is. You need to let her go for your sake. I know you might feel its love on your part. But you might have other personal issues that keep you attached to this person. You are co-dependent on her but you can do so much better. Let her go, live your own life. Do you really want to give anymore time to a person who apparently didn't appreciate the last 6 years?