affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Share Posted July 27, 2013 I can't have a functional relationship. I'm intelligent funny , a beautiful woman really - (people say) I am very attractive I have no issues with my looks. I'm 34 divorced 2 kids. 10 and 11. All my relationships are dysfunctional. I pick bad suitors . The good ones I pick I dump. It gets worse i find something wrong with someone straight away after one date then I'm cold or don't want to see them anymore. People do love me but when they do I cringe and go off them then push them Away or end it. I really love men it seems who are horrible, treat me badly. 2 years with 1 narcissist type of guy 4 years ago broke me and don't think I've been the same since. Worse than ever before. Last of all the last year I had an EA with an engaged guy he comes from troubled bsvkground and prob a bit insecure like me, so we just gelled. It got physical recently so I ended it but we keep going back to each other in the past. Needing to communicate so badly. I don't know where it went wrong. I was adopted my mother was sick and had sex with some random and couldn't keep me. I then was adopted again aged 1,and was said to be a naughty child . They couldn't cope so gave me up aged 3. I went to a nice family but my parents were over critical of everything and sadly my mum died when I was 21. Ok crying now ... Anyway my relationship with my dad is strained at times but he does love me a lot I'm sure. I love my daughters they are amazing and I'm a great mum. I now have cancer being treated. I hope to be ok. I'm strong but emotional at times. Things hurt me and in sensitive . I want to be loved and love someone back but I can't find it and I don't know how to change . Please tell me if this resonates with anyone x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 27, 2013 Share Posted July 27, 2013 Please tell me if this resonates with anyone Well sure it does! It probably resonates with millions of gals (and guys) out there, if not billions. I have 2 kids, I've had cancer, and I've been screwed up plenty in life! I usually picked fun but bad news guys, the ones with the rebel/bad boy mentality, and paid dearly for it. Ah well, that's life, and it's all good! Well, it's all good now that THAT chapter of my life is over, and I finally KNOW BETTER! It looks like you might be coming to that realization yourself! AWESOME! Don't worry, it's a process of enlightenment and self realization, and it takes time. And learning! Let's see, age 20-26 (rough approximation) - I was with a Sex Addict/Alcoholic/Drug Addict / Skirt Chaser / Obsessive Bad Boy. Age 27-42 I was with a Low Sex Drive / Premature Ejaculator/ Narcissistic Psychopath/ Alcoholic/ Drug Addict/Pathological Liar/ Mean Bad Boy. Weird combo, I know! Along with way I had cancer, infertility, and 2 kids, in that order. The multiple adoption in your early years set you off on the wrong foot, you may have developed some form of "Attachment Disorder" (google it, read multiple articles about it). Continually making bad choices in men that are bad for you is something you should work on in therapy if you can. If you can't afford therapy, no worries, you can do just as well by reading all you can via self help books, articles on the internet, and pages and pages of threads around here at Love Shack (and elsewhere). The key is realizing, you are not alone in your troubles in life. Read enough around here, and that light bulb in your head will come on, sooner or later. Realizing life is short, and you don't have time for @ssholes in your life, is another light bulb that will come on in your head, sooner or later. It it a process of maturation and enlightenment, doesn't happen overnight, but step by step, it does happen! Good news, huh? Yes it is! Here are some books to read: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (check your local library, famous book, get at library for free to read) Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie These books will help you stop picking Bad Boys. Also, this one: Women Who Love Too Much By Robin Norwood also at your local library. Oh gosh, there are so many amazing books out there that you need to read. Google "Books about relationships' also, to find more. But also, read in all the sections here at love shack, read multiple threads, and learn about others, and thus, yourself. Humans have common threads in life. You're not alone in the issues you are facing within yourself. Sounds like your journey starts NOW. What kind of cancer are you facing? Mine was thyroid. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 27, 2013 Share Posted July 27, 2013 I thought of a couple other fabulous websites that you absolutely MUST check out. This one is just phenomenal: Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue It's called Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue. She has hundreds of amazing articles about love and relationship on there, that are very informative and eye opening. You really don't want to miss it, read at least a dozen articles there, please. Not just one. Also: Here is another website you don't want to miss. You can chat with other women and get support there, of course it's free, and you will learn alot. Lisa E. Scott is the founder of this website and author of several fabulous books about relationships as well. Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott Be sure to click on the above link and check it out, I think it will help you immensely. All the best to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Author Share Posted July 27, 2013 Thanks so much I have read the book women who love too much, but want sure if it was me. I certainly do love the men who don't love me back properly yes.but u can't love the ones that do, I'm like two people! I walked away from my marriage, told him to leave, shut the door and never shed a tear was completely not bothered. I realise it's wrong to act this way but I'm so used to it now I thought it normal and just how I am. So hard to explain. It's almost like I challenge men to fall in love with me and if they don't I get more in love and obsessed. If they do I get bored and want the next lot of butterflies. This current guy well ex mm I love the drama of breaking up pushing him away even though he's someone else's, I suppose I know it hurts him. But he comes back to me and then I love him again for a while then push him away. I have breast cancer. I'm having treatment now. I think the cancer has made me face up to problems and want a happier life x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 27, 2013 Share Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) Oh, now I understand better! You like the challenge and the chase, and get bored easily, and can be very unemotional and unattached. But these ways of living can leave you feeling empty, of course. Then again, bear in mind, you are not alone. So many people, both men and women, enjoy challenge and chase within relationships, particularly the initial stages of meeting new potential partners. When it becomes a constant roller coaster of drama, hurt, betrayal, dishonesty, games and lack of integrity, is when it has become toxic, rather than a natural function of getting to know the boundaries and limits of the other person. Like I had mentioned, perhaps some sort of attachment disorder or other disorder, or maybe no disorder at all, - just some more growing up to do. I've seen alot of people in life who do finally get tired of the games and the nonsense - even the excitement of the push/pull within crazy roller coaster relationships and the adrenaline junkies and even the sex addicts all burn out sometimes and want to finally settle down to a quieter version of life, a drama free life, peaceful, predictable, content. I've seen it! You can have whatever you want in life. First you have to get to know yourself and see what it is you want (at whatever stage in life you are at). Meditation can help with that. Reading is still also a great help, reading about interesting things - I like to read about remarkable people and great philosophers. There are so many to choose from. Bruce Lee Quotes (Author of Tao of Jeet Kune Do) 20 Wise Quotes From The Dalai Lama Top 10 Most Inspiring Lao Tzu Quotes Dalai Lama Quotes Largest Collection Of Dalai Lama Quotes Good luck! I haven't read all of these either, but plan to. Enjoy! P.S. Best wishes on your breast cancer treatment and recovery. Edited July 27, 2013 by Forever Learning Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Author Share Posted July 27, 2013 May have some disorder of some kind haha I think I should be really settled by now but have wasted time being silly investing in the wrong things. Thanks so much for your posts and recommended reads! I shall start on the path towards a better happier me xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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