Former loves v. xMM/xMW coming back

[hippetyhop]

From reading some of the threads, it seems as though some are so sure that the xMM/xMW will always break NC and eventually call or somehow make their presence known.

 

How is this different than breaking up with an xboyfriend or xgirlfriend? When I broke up with my xboyfriends in the past, we parted ways with peace. Although that is how xMM and I ended ours, why do they come back?

 

Anyone here end their R with the xmm/xmw and not hear from them again?

[Sarabi]

From reading some of the threads, it seems as though some are so sure that the xMM/xMW will always break NC and eventually call or somehow make their presence known.

 

How is this different than breaking up with an xboyfriend or xgirlfriend? When I broke up with my xboyfriends in the past, we parted ways with peace. Although that is how xMM and I ended ours, why do they come back?

 

Anyone here end their R with the xmm/xmw and not hear from them again?

 

Yeah so far he's been quiet more than a month now...

Thank goodness for me...

[hippetyhop]

Good job!

 

Its been 13 days; however, for the past 8 he's been on vacation. Week before that I dropped the bombshell and went NC. I bet he's playing nice now with her.

 

Just a thought as to why came to my mind.

[bellasue]

I have not heard from my xMM in nearly 4 months. So he's strong willed or just never cared that much. I will never know.

[Cocochai]

Good question... I posted my situation and folks chimed in on how he is going to contact me down the road. It's only been day 2 of NC but the reasons I beleive they come back is...

 

1) they can't deal w/ the everyday work that comes with being faithful. Like hearing them nagging or the hard times.

 

2) they honestly did have feeling even if they never told you how you truly meant to them.

 

3) sex...

 

If they never contact it could be because they know they're in the wrong and feel relieved to set you free. Or maybe they got someone else besides you on the side... Or truly committed to working on the marriage.

 

At the end of the day, its up to You to decde to move on.

 

I'm still heart broken but I know deep down I deserve someone who won't put me second.

[BrokenPrincess]

From reading some of the threads, it seems as though some are so sure that the xMM/xMW will always break NC and eventually call or somehow make their presence known.

 

How is this different than breaking up with an xboyfriend or xgirlfriend? When I broke up with my xboyfriends in the past, we parted ways with peace. Although that is how xMM and I ended ours, why do they come back?

 

Anyone here end their R with the xmm/xmw and not hear from them again?

 

It's different because most times, an A does not end when the relationship has run its course. And in many cases, the married AP has no one to talk to about it except the fAP. I absolutely, 100% thought I would never hear from my xMM again after his DDay. We were both cake eaters, no future faking, so when DDay hit, no question we were done. He's married 20 years with a lifelong mission to never get divorced (the irony), kids , nice guy rep, etc but sure enough, just past 4 months NC, he did call me. A little of what Coco's #2 was his reason...he had never told me how he felt, NC had been awful, he missed me.

 

We rekindled for 2 months and he ended it due to the fear & stress of getting caught again and losing his family. But this time around, NC feels more like a normal breakup, I think because we had the chance to talk for real about our relationship, what we had, how we felt...gave it a little more closure than in those crazy emotional days right after DDay.

[Cocochai]

If your the only AP the MM and MW's has been with and for a long time... There's a high chance they will bother you over and over again. Especially when the pressures of hard work in a marriage happens.

[Lady2163]

I do have a former MM whom I thought was the love of my life. We spent 19 years of keeping in touch while I hopped all over the world. Every time I was in the area we connected.

 

Since I moved back to my hometown five years ago we have only seen each other once or twice. I got upset a litte over four years and sent him an email saying that I had changed my phone number months ago (true) and he hadn't bothered to contact me. I was closing the only email account he knew I had (not true).

 

I haven't heard a peep from him since.

 

I was bicycling with a friend and we met on the road - he was biking in the opposite direction. He didn't acknowledge me, but I very loudly said, "I know that guy."

 

While he's never been to my house, I thought he'd show up after that.

 

It's been a couple of months now.

 

He told me he loved me, too. So, it was mutual.

 

I'm pretty sure I won't hear from him.

 

It does happen.

[hippetyhop]

Good question... I posted my situation and folks chimed in on how he is going to contact me down the road. It's only been day 2 of NC but the reasons I beleive they come back is...

 

1) they can't deal w/ the everyday work that comes with being faithful. Like hearing them nagging or the hard times.

 

2) they honestly did have feeling even if they never told you how you truly meant to them.

 

3) sex...

 

If they never contact it could be because they know they're in the wrong and feel relieved to set you free. Or maybe they got someone else besides you on the side... Or truly committed to working on the marriage.

 

At the end of the day, its up to You to decde to move on.

 

I'm still heart broken but I know deep down I deserve someone who won't put me second.

 

These are the similar reasons as to what I was thinking; with no. 1 being the biggest for me. I'm sure 2 and 3 played a part as well.

 

Reading some of the responses from this thread and throughout the forum, I wonder if this breakup is different than one with a boyfriend/girlfriend because of the emotional connection.

 

Think about it-- most of the A start off as EA. I know mine certainly did. He possibly saw me as a shoulder to cry on, a therapist in a sense (shared a lot of his emotions, esp. of his marriage--nothing seriously bad about the BS. His main issues were that he got married way too young (23) and that he was very under appreciated). Most of us don't start out this way with new single loves.

 

Thank you for your responses.

[Cocochai]

Okay when I first met my xMM, him and his wife were married but he was away in prison for the first two years of their union. We connected nd started the A like two months after he got out... He never gave his marriage a chance at that point... Only enough to get his BS pregnant.

 

So after a year and a half of the BS catching wind of the A... I'm guessing she decides to step her game up while he shows how much he still loves her to get in her good grace again?

 

Hippetyhop- I remember you mentioned he'll be back to bother me again once those two get back on their regular schedule again. It's hard to believe his BS will not have trust issues enough to keep a leach on him from now on... But I'm prepared in case he does.

[hippetyhop]

Okay when I first met my xMM, him and his wife were married but he was away in prison for the first two years of their union. We connected nd started the A like two months after he got out... He never gave his marriage a chance at that point... Only enough to get his BS pregnant.

 

So after a year and a half of the BS catching wind of the A... I'm guessing she decides to step her game up while he shows how much he still loves her to get in her good grace again?

 

Hippetyhop- I remember you mentioned he'll be back to bother me again once those two get back on their regular schedule again. It's hard to believe his BS will not have trust issues enough to keep a leach on him from now on... But I'm prepared in case he does.

 

This is my exact reasoning. I believe that my xMM is going to step up his game since she has a suspicion and he wants to down play that to get his freedom back. He has no reason to keep 2 females happy right now. He should focus on her and rekindling their marriage no so much as so he can have an A again, but for themselves and their kids. She's had him on a tight leash and he had to do what she said (in terms of when to be home, etc.) for a month leading up to me ending the A. As for stepping up her game..not to sure about that. Could very possibly be doing that.

 

About the trust issue--if there is a will, there is a way for him to get out and continue an A. Might not be with the same AP, but just to get out. With my xMM, I knew our A wouldn't continue going back to how it was and that is another reason as to why I ended it. Why should I be punished even more since he's being punished at home.

[Ladydrib]

From reading some of the threads, it seems as though some are so sure that the xMM/xMW will always break NC and eventually call or somehow make their presence known.

 

How is this different than breaking up with an xboyfriend or xgirlfriend? When I broke up with my xboyfriends in the past, we parted ways with peace. Although that is how xMM and I ended ours, why do they come back?

 

Anyone here end their R with the xmm/xmw and not hear from them again?

 

I think it's about not respecting boundaries. The entire relationship of an affair is based upon ignoring boundaries. There will never be any circumstance that draws a definitive line, separating the APs. If one desires something, they will always try. I think we get a false sense of security when it's been months. We think "this time they won't be back". But it could be years. It's like a virus laying dormant but always there in the background. We have to be aware of that to protect ourselves. To not recognize that they might always come back would be naive. And isn't being naive how most of us got ourselves into an A to begin with?

[Cocochai]

This is my exact reasoning. I believe that my xMM is going to step up his game since she has a suspicion and he wants to down play that to get his freedom back. He has no reason to keep 2 females happy right now. He should focus on her and rekindling their marriage no so much as so he can have an A again, but for themselves and their kids. She's had him on a tight leash and he had to do what she said (in terms of when to be home, etc.) for a month leading up to me ending the A. As for stepping up her game..not to sure about that. Could very possibly be doing that.

 

About the trust issue--if there is a will, there is a way for him to get out and continue an A. Might not be with the same AP, but just to get out. With my xMM, I knew our A wouldn't continue going back to how it was and that is another reason as to why I ended it. Why should I be punished even more since he's being punished at home.

 

Your right! Which is why I gracefully and quietly deleted his profile from my FB account. Not even sure if he noticed yet. I left because I deserve better and I truly wasn't getting anything out of it but enjoying his company and emotional support.

 

He basically told me he didn't want to risk losing his family once he got caught. He even admitted he got caught up in our affair. But only to bother me a week later but with a distant attitude.

 

I guess in the end I helped him truly decide.

 

Has your xMM made an attempt to bother you yet?

[hippetyhop]

Your right! Which is why I gracefully and quietly deleted his profile from my FB account. Not even sure if he noticed yet. I left because I deserve better and I truly wasn't getting anything out of it but enjoying his company and emotional support.

 

He basically told me he didn't want to risk losing his family once he got caught. He even admitted he got caught up in our affair. But only to bother me a week later but with a distant attitude.

 

I guess in the end I helped him truly decide.

 

Has your xMM made an attempt to bother you yet?

 

How are you holding up since its only been a few days?

 

I blocked then deleted FB and xMM and I have mutual friends--I wouldn't want them to catch on. I'm tempted just to post on fb that life is so much better without FB!

 

xMM wasn't sure what the outcome of his W's suspicions would be. He said whatever it was, he had to be a man about it. That is where I left it.

 

He hasn't contacted me yet. He's returned back from his family vacation last night (I only know because he told me awhile back when they would be going) and so now its back to the grind of life for him. Time wise, it worked out perfectly for me when I decided to go NC and when his vacation fell. We shall see...but my money is on him not.

[Cocochai]

How are you holding up since its only been a few days?

 

I blocked then deleted FB and xMM and I have mutual friends--I wouldn't want them to catch on. I'm tempted just to post on fb that life is so much better without FB!

 

xMM wasn't sure what the outcome of his W's suspicions would be. He said whatever it was, he had to be a man about it. That is where I left it.

 

He hasn't contacted me yet. He's returned back from his family vacation last night (I only know because he told me awhile back when they would be going) and so now its back to the grind of life for him. Time wise, it worked out perfectly for me when I decided to go NC and when his vacation fell. We shall see...but my money is on him not.

 

 

I'm holding up.. Times i find myself crying but then once I think about their happy looking anniversary pics posted it slaps reality back in my face.

 

I don't know why I often wonder how he feels seeing me no longer on his page. Relief maybe? He no longer has to fight his urges to look at my page and contract me or a simple, "I don't care". Either way it hurts..

 

Your story sounds similar to mines. He told me his wife was taking their kids to her parents to stay the Grands for a month. We hooked up the weekend she left. I purposely ended our A because I knew I'd be fighting for his attention for a whole month and they had time to rekindle their relationship.

 

My bday rolls around and he wishes me a "Happy Birthday". I reach out a week later to see how he's doing and we carry on a good Convo. We always could break things off but when we started talking again there was always an electric spark still there.

 

I go on his page out of curiosity and bam!!! Reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally decided my feelings have had enough. If you block his page, he won't see you on their page either.

 

How have you bern doing since your NC?

Edited July 28, 2013 by Cocochai

[Cocochai]

I also want to add that in a way I believe deep done we still want the xMM/xMW to reach out because it shows doing the NC sort of woke them up... But we know deep done in our hearts it's a dead end street...

 

I know even if my xMM doesn't reach out he'll always think of me because we use to talk about everything and everyone who came into our lives. He admitted to me I was his first serious AP (yes he's cheated on his wife before/after) they were married and shes caught him before they were married. I was his first AP after they got married and he's been out of jail. This was my first MA.

 

I asked for nothing but really his emotional support and friendship... And some bomb sex. He was able to do so but i wanted more from him after a year and a half. I'm a single mother and don't think to really date much. I can hold my own.

 

We wouldn't be wondering and thinking... Do they even care to reach out?? Because in the end... We sort of do care.

[hippetyhop]

It's been nearly two weeks, and I know I won't hear from him. He's woven a web far too tangled and does not want to stir this pot.

 

How are you feeling about that? Its tough ending it, and its for the better.

 

How is your NC going?

[hippetyhop]

I'm holding up.. Times i find myself crying but then once I think about their happy looking anniversary pics posted it slaps reality back in my face.

 

I don't know why I often wonder how he feels seeing me no longer on his page. Relief maybe? He no longer has to fight his urges to look at my page and contract me or a simple, "I don't care". Either way it hurts..

 

Your story sounds similar to mines. He told me his wife was taking their kids to her parents to stay the Grands for a month. We hooked up the weekend she left. I purposely ended our A because I knew I'd be fighting for his attention for a whole month and they had time to rekindle their relationship.

 

My bday rolls around and he wishes me a "Happy Birthday". I reach out a week later to see how he's doing and we carry on a good Convo. We always could break things off but when we started talking again there was always an electric spark still there.

 

I go on his page out of curiosity and bam!!! Reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally decided my feelings have had enough. If you block his page, he won't see you on their page either.

 

How have you bern doing since your NC?

 

 

I know even if my xMM doesn't reach out he'll always think of me because we use to talk about everything and everyone who came into our lives. He admitted to me I was his first serious AP (yes he's cheated on his wife before/after) they were married and shes caught him before they were married. I was his first AP after they got married and he's been out of jail. This was my first MA.

 

I asked for nothing but really his emotional support and friendship... And some bomb sex. He was able to do so but i wanted more from him after a year and a half. I'm a single mother and don't think to really date much. I can hold my own.

 

We wouldn't be wondering and thinking... Do they even care to reach out?? Because in the end... We sort of do care.

 

He didn't really post pictures of them doing stuff..events out, etc. Just before or after a race. It was still gut wrenching looking at it.

 

Before I deleted my page, I blocked him and his wife's. I figured he would probably hop on her page and look for me. Easily, he can make a new profile to try and find out info, but I decided to just delete it. Its for the best overall.

 

At least you got a Happy Birthday. I didn't, didn't want one, and wasn't expecting one. My bday is the same as one of his daughter's, and he was out of town then. Happy Belated Birthday!

 

Honestly, it was a lot easier knowing he was out of town with the family. Knowing he's back, its kind of like ugh. I can't explain why. Maybe because he's going back to everyday stuff..I don't know.

 

As to the bold, I feel the exact way. I know the NC won't wake him up. If anything, it would just agitate and upset him further that I ended it and it would push him away from me. At the end of the day, yes, it was all for the best. I will always miss him though and the connection we had.

 

I just sit here and wonder sometimes does he miss me and will he ever reach out although I know its not feasible.

[carhill]

Anyone here end their R with the xmm/xmw and not hear from them again?

 

My anecdotes, all with women, have uniformly found them to disappear when either they or I ended the association. To me, this makes sense, as women don't generally pursue men in my demographic, and is consistent with romantic relationships in general IME. I can't think of one ex-GF who ever contacted me again, nor did my exW, other than regarding our divorce business. So far, no exceptions.

[hippetyhop]

My anecdotes, all with women, have uniformly found them to disappear when either they or I ended the association. To me, this makes sense, as women don't generally pursue men in my demographic, and is consistent with romantic relationships in general IME. I can't think of one ex-GF who ever contacted me again, nor did my exW, other than regarding our divorce business. So far, no exceptions.

 

Have you had an xMW or xAP of whom you had relations with and it ended during your marriage? I would like to think these kinds of relations may differ than a standard case of breaking up with an ex.

[Cocochai]

Well I don't think the xMM wanted to break it off with me (he was still communicating when I reached out), I just think his BS was occupying his time the month the kids were away. Either way, I wasn't going to fight for his attention.

[Ladydrib]

Well I don't think the xMM wanted to break it off with me (he was still communicating when I reached out), I just think his BS was occupying his time the month the kids were away. Either way, I wasn't going to fight for his attention.

 

But a wife who is desperate to keep him will fight for his attention. It's ridiculous. If the wife is willing to keep a cheater, why would he ever leave? He can just find a new AP once he gets bored again. He doesn't have to go through any of the struggles that divorce would stir up. And they evidently are fine with continuing to betray the one they are supposedly committed to. It's a solution to their boredom which creates minimal angst for them. This is what it's all about. It's why many people don't leave. Those people who are fine with continual betrayal have zero incentive to ever leave.