Friendship Possible without a Dday

[zevahc]

I hope you can find some parenting group or meetup or something that can help you get to know people outside of work. Separating those parts of your life might be good. Since the job change is unlikely, are you trying to avoid contact at work? You really are going to feel better if you aren't interacting all the time (and so will she)

 

I am sorry you feel so alone now, and obviously an anonymous forum doesn't really make that better.

 

We can agree to disagree on the friends thing, and soon, when you feel a lot stronger we can start a nice thread with quotes and analogies and smart mouth comments. Let me know when you are up for it.

 

So I will pray for you too--for peace and healing of your mind and heart. For you to be able to forgive yourself and allow your life to become filled with people who can love and support you.

 

Take care.

 

Thank you. I have some plans to hit the ground running...join or search for a new church, singles groups, meet-up etc...going to try and do all I can.

[Owl]

PSM...i appreciate your response, but I think even you may be missing what I asked...or I worded it badly.

 

I have no doubt of our connection. I have no doubt I need NC. I cannot continue the friendship in it's current situation...even with a PA. The EA is wrong too because it's too intense..and I want more than a friendship.

 

My real question...is after a year or whatever...5 years...whatever it takes for me to get healthy...be it finding another person, or being in a good place. Could or should a friendship exist. It was amazing, and I believe it would be if we didn't have the other feelings. I don't see myself able to supress those unless I find someone who I truly feel like making my W in the future. If I do...then I wonder if I can see this person as a great friend again.

 

Not trying to be a jerk here...but I still say 'no'.

 

Because SHE won't be healthy even after that length of time. She'll have had no reason to change her MO.

 

When the two of you attempt friendship again later...one or the other will have that desire to revisit "the good ole days". It'll get brought up...and odds are high that that's exactly what you'll do.

 

That's my thought.

 

It's your life...live it as you feel you should.

[The Way I Am]

No it's not possible to be friends after an affair even after a several years.

 

If you become emotionally healthy, you'll realize how cruel to her husband it would be to try to maintain a friendship. How would you feel if a woman who'd been cheating on you "stayed friends" with the man she cheated with? Even if you hadn't sleep together again, if he discovered the affair after your renewed "friendship", the fact that she was still in contact with you would add to his devastation.

 

If you both try to be friends later, it means neither of you are healthy enough to understand appropriate boundaries. Which means it's highly likely that you'll eventually end up back in the affair.

Edited July 29, 2013 by The Way I Am

[hippetyhop]

Friends with an ex, yes.

 

Friends with an xAP. No. I just can't see how that can happen soon after an affair ending. Years down the road, quite possibly if the dust ever settles.

[zevahc]

If the married couple are trying to reconcile than no, friendship is not possible for the affair partners.

 

Agree...and I think the more I listen...it's just flat out disrespectful...even if there was or is never a dday and he knows nothing. It's just disrespectful.

 

I guess it's just a great friendship gone bad...and that's a consequence.