how to move on?

[wanttobesimple]

Hi all, I've been reading posts here for a while and I still didn't get better.

 

I was the OW, had NC with MM for almost two months, and it's killing me. There are times I think I am getting better, but every little thing can trigger my memories and I can't help but started crying. I've been seeing him almost everyday in the past two years. And now I don't have anything to keep me busy to not to think about him and all the past memories. I know he probably moved on already, and never thought about me and never even want to think about what happend since it was a big "mistake".

 

For me it's a mixture of feelings, sadness, being rejected, unlovable, being used and anger. I am starting to question everything that happened in the past two years and I can't differentiate between truth and lies anymore. And like some post I saw here, how can he go on to his everyday life as if nothing happened. I was never jealous of his W because I always feel guilty but now my depression is affecting me. I have the thought of telling his W. I know this is a horrible idea and it won't do me any good and maybe I will regret even more afterward... And maybe after that MM will hate me for the rest of his life and I won't be thinking about him?

 

Anyone here actually done that? And did you regret doing it?

 

I haven't been eating properly, can't seem to sleep well and it's really starting to affect me more as time goes by.

 

I really need some help on how to move on... Thanks.

[WakingUp]

Firstly, ((hugs)).

 

You will never ever know what was truth and what wasn't. Neither will his W probably.

 

I recommend you don't tell. I did and it was a disaster. You will regret it.

I thought I was doing it for all the right reasons, but it was the wrong thing definitely.

 

And you are worthwhile, you are lovable, you are YOU. Embrace yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Force yourself to eat well even when you don't feel like it. Try to get some exercise, fresh air, I have found just going for a walk helps. Look after YOU. Be gentle and kind to yourself. This is a rough time, but know that it will get better.

 

Fake it till you make it. Don't overthink things. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, baby steps. You WILL be OK. Don't beat yourself up.

 

(((More hugs)))

[Lady2163]

I would encourage you to see a counselor. I also think you need to rule out depression. If I heard what you had to say in a professional setting, I consider recommending medication to help the happy chemicals fire off in your brain.

 

Do you have time to do some internet searches on the stages of grief? Some of what is said there might help you.

 

Why do you want to tell his wife? Revenge? Guilt?

 

If its guilt on your part, consider this:

 

Right now, his wife is probably happy and secure in their marriage. Oh, they may have their problems, but she is probably convinced he takes his vows seriously and the plans they've made are going to be how she spends the rest of her life.

 

You're going to take that all away from her. And there's no guarantee you will feel less guilty.

 

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Way to go on making it through another day. You can do ths!

[wannabdone]

Its very hard to continue to move on or try after the end of your relationship... you want to feel or be validated, that you mattered some how. And you don't get that.

 

I think your a actually doing okay, seems like you are going through the levels of grief and loss, all very normal. You will go through shock, anger, sadness and the list goes on and on. But there will be a day, I promise you start to feel better.

 

You might not ever stop missing him entirely, but the agony won't be there. I am sure he does think of you, miss you in some way. But men and women are different in how they handle things. The big picture is... you can't concern yourself with what he is thinking or feeling, you only need to worry about yourself. (I know easier said than done).

 

Hang in there. I promise it will be better.

 

And no, absolutely do not contact his W. Its not your job to tell her these things. Any story I have read where the OW does this, it only ends badly.

[zevahc]

Hi all, I've been reading posts here for a while and I still didn't get better.

 

I was the OW, had NC with MM for almost two months, and it's killing me. There are times I think I am getting better, but every little thing can trigger my memories and I can't help but started crying. I've been seeing him almost everyday in the past two years. And now I don't have anything to keep me busy to not to think about him and all the past memories. I know he probably moved on already, and never thought about me and never even want to think about what happend since it was a big "mistake".

 

For me it's a mixture of feelings, sadness, being rejected, unlovable, being used and anger. I am starting to question everything that happened in the past two years and I can't differentiate between truth and lies anymore. And like some post I saw here, how can he go on to his everyday life as if nothing happened. I was never jealous of his W because I always feel guilty but now my depression is affecting me. I have the thought of telling his W. I know this is a horrible idea and it won't do me any good and maybe I will regret even more afterward... And maybe after that MM will hate me for the rest of his life and I won't be thinking about him?

 

Anyone here actually done that? And did you regret doing it?

 

I haven't been eating properly, can't seem to sleep well and it's really starting to affect me more as time goes by.

 

I really need some help on how to move on... Thanks.

 

I've recently experienced everything you're feeling...you aren't alone. I think the best advice I've heard above is...fake til you make it...one day at a time and one step at a time. I still have trouble sleeping. I still find myself depressed all the time...and it's been about 2.5-3 months though I've been unsuccessful at complete NC. None of this is easy...but you aren't alone.

 

I'm like you...i've tried to understand the other person's feelings...don't try....it doesn't matter. Work on you...and if you read any of my story you'll see that I'm far from good at this...do as I (or others say), not as I do. But also remember every situation and person is different. What works for one person may not for another.

 

And...not everyone on here gives great advice..and take it or leave it.

[wanttobesimple]

Thanks (*hug*)

 

I know that I have to move on, I am trying... but still feel so lost in life... I was a much stronger person before I met him, but I started losing interests in a lot of hobbies I used to love, I started going out to party and gathering less and less (for the obvious reason....) and now when I try to pick up those things I used to do, it's not the same anymore...

 

I really don't want to get to this but I still can't help but wonder "how can you do this to me" the answer is obvious that he doesn't care about me, he only cares about his W and reputation.

 

Right now I am still confused about the idea of telling his W (I think I'm just angry at the moment.... this stage will pass... eventually). It's definitely a horrible idea and is selfish but that way I can really end it and no turning back.

[Cocochai]

Don't tell the W... You were a willing participate. I don't think the MM held a gun to your head to join the A. You are as responsible for your actions but the MM took the vows. 9 x's out of 10 the wife already knows but turns a blind eye to it.

 

Don't hurt her because of your actions. Move on and concentrate on yourself and worth.

[WordvAction]

Don't tell the W... You were a willing participate. I don't think the MM held a gun to your head to join the A. You are as responsible for your actions but the MM took the vows. 9 x's out of 10 the wife already knows but turns a blind eye to it.

 

Don't hurt her because of your actions. Move on and concentrate on yourself and worth.

 

You don't think his wife deserves to know? If you were in a relationship where your SO was pounding/getting pounded by someone else on a day basis, thinking about someone else while you focus on your SO, you'd rather not know? Luckily I've never been cheated on (or cheated) but I'd appreciate knowing if my SO was cheating. Ignorance is bliss I guess?

[Cocochai]

You don't think his wife deserves to know? If you were in a relationship where your SO was pounding/getting pounded by someone else on a day basis, thinking about someone else while you focus on your SO, you'd rather not know? Luckily I've never been cheated on (or cheated) but I'd appreciate knowing if my SO was cheating. Ignorance is bliss I guess?

 

Okay let's see, everyone deserves to know when they are doing wrong but what exactly will YOU gain from telling her? Joy? Will you still feel joy when he decides to prove everything to to stay out of the of dog house? Will you get joy when he confronts you and tells you how much he hates you.

 

The only thing you will do iis cause the W great pain along w/ trust issues all because you feel she should know even after you willing slept with her husband.

 

Stop thinking of yourself... Moving on is the greatest revenge.

[WordvAction]

Okay let's see, everyone deserves to know when they are doing wrong but what exactly will YOU gain from telling her? Joy? Will you still feel joy when he decides to prove everything to to stay out of the of dog house? Will you get joy when he confronts you and tells you how much he hates you.

 

The only thing you will do iis cause the W great pain along w/ trust issues all because you feel she should know even after you willing slept with her husband.

 

Stop thinking of yourself... Moving on is the greatest revenge.

 

Well wouldn't him telling you how much he hates you and never wanting to speak to you again help someone move on? And besides, I don't think OP is experiencing any sort of joy where telling her or not telling her will make a difference. It's not a matter of revenge, it's a matter of doing the right thing. Just my own opinion

[zevahc]

I don't know why...maybe because I need to protect myself and my child...but telling the BS has never been something that crossed my mind. I feel that it isn't my place...and it won't do anything but hurt more people. If she wanted him to know to spur some sort of action on her part (subconsciously)...then he would know...but me telling him would only cause resentment towards me...and hurt people more...my 2 cents.

[Cocochai]

Haven't you heard the saying "Whats done in the dark eventually comes to light"? My xMM's BS found evidence he was cheating and our relationship hasn't been the same since.

 

I may not be quoting it exactly but... I'd been on the other side where someone called my phone and told me EVERYTHING that my BF was doing and not telling me. I was glad I knew but it also put me in an awkward situation.

 

If the MM and the BS has kids... How is she going to deal with all that information while putting on a brave face for their kids?

 

It's not a fun spot to be in especially when the BS is still very much in love with their MM.

 

Even if they don't leave their BS, you will still feel angry even after you've told the BS. If he does get kicked out of their house... They are still MARRIED and can choose to work on their relationship down the line.

Edited July 28, 2013 by Cocochai

[WordvAction]

I should note that Cocochai does make a point I didn't address. While I think it will be better for the BS to know, that won't have any effect on you and may make things even worse. And like Cocochai said, telling her for revenge will only make things worse for you.

[whichwayisup]

Like any break up, it just takes time. Cry when you need to cry, grieve the loss of what you two shared and really try your best not to allow yourself to 'remember and fantasize' all that does is make you stay attached and keep the feelings alive.

 

Acceptance. It's okay to miss him, miss what you had, but it's over. Let yourself "let go" of him. It's painful. And if you feel like you're not coping well, seek counseling to help you through it.

 

Rely on your friends to keep you laughing and busy! distraction is a good thing.

 

Google and read up on how to get over someone you love. Read the sticky in the coping section on LS (the NC one) to help you during the times you feel like reaching out.

 

You WILL get over him, this pain isn't forever even if it feels like it is. You're probably a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!

[fanine]

You don't think his wife deserves to know? If you were in a relationship where your SO was pounding/getting pounded by someone else on a day basis, thinking about someone else while you focus on your SO, you'd rather not know? Luckily I've never been cheated on (or cheated) but I'd appreciate knowing if my SO was cheating. Ignorance is bliss I guess?

 

I would want to know as well if my partner was cheating on me....but I know my MM's wife does know about it. She does seem to turn a blind eye to it - or he may have convinced her that we have stopped seeing each other.

 

I have thought about talking to her often. My MM will always break NC when I try to end it, when I try to explain this is all too difficult for me. Every time I say please leave me to find someone I can have a real relationship with, he will return. But he will not leave his wife.....

 

Sometimes the only way I feel I can stop him from contacting me is to turn up at his house - or talk to her and tell her to tell him to leave me alone.....sometimes I feel the best way for this to end would be for him to hate me.....or me move to another country...

[wanttobesimple]

Like any break up, it just takes time. Cry when you need to cry, grieve the loss of what you two shared and really try your best not to allow yourself to 'remember and fantasize' all that does is make you stay attached and keep the feelings alive.

 

Acceptance. It's okay to miss him, miss what you had, but it's over. Let yourself "let go" of him. It's painful. And if you feel like you're not coping well, seek counseling to help you through it.

 

Rely on your friends to keep you laughing and busy! distraction is a good thing.

 

Google and read up on how to get over someone you love. Read the sticky in the coping section on LS (the NC one) to help you during the times you feel like reaching out.

 

You WILL get over him, this pain isn't forever even if it feels like it is. You're probably a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!

 

Thank you for your kind words... but it seems so much harder compare to a normal R... when I broke up with my ex years ago, it was painful but we both understand that this has to end because we fight a lot, we don't see each other that often anymore, we have less and less things in common.... and go separate way seems natural. Now I still feel so painful, like it's the end of the world, I lost interest in so many things... I still love him, I can't believe it's over.... but I know it's over

[fanine]

Thank you for your kind words... but it seems so much harder compare to a normal R... when I broke up with my ex years ago, it was painful but we both understand that this has to end because we fight a lot, we don't see each other that often anymore, we have less and less things in common.... and go separate way seems natural. Now I still feel so painful, like it's the end of the world, I lost interest in so many things... I still love him, I can't believe it's over.... but I know it's over

 

I know how you feel. I think many of us do. Hang in there. I'm not perfect. I've tried NC a couple of times. Thought it was all over...but I always give in when he gets back in touch. I then kick myself after as the roller coaster ride begins again....

 

I was married. That break-up was far easier than coping with this. And I was with my ex-husband for nearly 10 years. This has been only 18 months. But my emotional well-being has been shattered..it is the roller coaster of an A that damages us...the not knowing what to believe, what is real, what are the lies....

[sad puppy]

He misses you, I can assure you of that, so don't worry about that. He didn't go back to a "happy" marriage, all the reasons that led him to cheat are still in place.

 

For you, it's one day at a time. You have to firmly set your goal in your mind. And your goal is - if you can't have him 100%, you don't want him at all and if he doesn't leave his marriage, he's not having you as a side dish. Period.

 

Everyday, you remind yourself. Every. Single. Day. Do yoga, that helped me. Get massages and facials. Read about men that cheat. Get to know how toxic and cowardly these men are.

 

Mine has moved out, filed for divorce, and has been asking me out for the past year. I keep saying no. Quite frankly, he doesn't deserve me.

 

Set your goal. Take care of yourself first. Stop obsessing by doing things for yourself. Find new hobbies. Take on a big creative project. Get moving. But you have to commit!!! Commit to moving on. Once you do, you'll be on your way!

[hippetyhop]

Another way to move on is make sure you have your closure. If you decide to end it, or if you already have, do you have your closure?

 

I sent my xMM an email and he responded right away with a BS response. I didn't respond. He emailed me again asking what I meant by something in my email. I'm pretty sure I'm going to respond BUT with an answer he cannot respond to. That'll be my closure. He'll know he can't have both me and her.

[Lady2163]

Another way to move on is make sure you have your closure. If you decide to end it, or if you already have, do you have your closure?

 

I sent my xMM an email and he responded right away with a BS response. I didn't respond. He emailed me again asking what I meant by something in my email. I'm pretty sure I'm going to respond BUT with an answer he cannot respond to. That'll be my closure. He'll know he can't have both me and her.

 

Awww....HH, give ir another day before you respond? Maybe stay away from this board for a few hours before you do respond?

 

I'm a touch worried for you.

[hippetyhop]

Awww....HH, give ir another day before you respond? Maybe stay away from this board for a few hours before you do respond?

 

I'm a touch worried for you.

 

Aww..thanks for your concern:bunny:

 

I think I need to respond for closure for myself. I've been sitting on whether or not to respond since I received it. Unlike him, I'm not going to respond in the heat of the moment. My goal is for the message to be clear and concise and to have no wiggle room for any type of arguments as everything listed in it came from the horse's mouth. I'm laying it out there and moving on!

[hippetyhop]

I'm laying it out there and moving on!

 

 

 

Moving on is easier said than done- I give you credit for at least trying it-our OW has been intruding for 6 months and although it drives me nuts I do have a bit of empathy thinking, holy cow she must be a wreck to be acting this way and hope she finds a way to move on-or at least try to-

 

I've been doing well with NC. The xMM contacted me the other day regarding a statement I made in my final email to him. From that email ending it, I haven't contacted him. I'm debating whether or not to respond to him to let him know where I stand (I put my email I wrote out in my thread under "he broke NC" --it is on the 2nd page).

[WordvAction]

Another way to move on is make sure you have your closure. If you decide to end it, or if you already have, do you have your closure?

 

I sent my xMM an email and he responded right away with a BS response. I didn't respond. He emailed me again asking what I meant by something in my email. I'm pretty sure I'm going to respond BUT with an answer he cannot respond to. That'll be my closure. He'll know he can't have both me and her.

 

Be careful with the whole "closure" thing. I don't think you can get full closure by just sending an e-mail that he won't respond to. That may give you some temporary closure, but then you will still have moments where you want to get in touch with him, where he may contact you and you'll want to respond, wondering what could have been , etc. I've always felt that real closure happens when you don't even realize it happens, when you have fully moved on from this person and haven't even realized it

[hippetyhop]

Be careful with the whole "closure" thing. I don't think you can get full closure by just sending an e-mail that he won't respond to. That may give you some temporary closure, but then you will still have moments where you want to get in touch with him, where he may contact you and you'll want to respond, wondering what could have been , etc. I've always felt that real closure happens when you don't even realize it happens, when you have fully moved on from this person and haven't even realized it

 

I agree-not complete closure, but it is going in the right direction.

 

Yesterday, I posted his last email to me where he wants to be friends and continue without the physical.

 

I see that as closure for me. I see where I stand. I am likely going to reply to that and take my stance as "I can't be friends right now and need my space." That way it is mutual and down the road (way, way, way down the road) if we can rekindle the friendship.