Hoplessly shy.

[smile1983]

What do you do when you have so much in common with someone else but you are too shy to talk to them? I have mentioned my co-worker. Sometimes I am afraid he does not like me. Sometimes I think he may even hate me. Other times I am just intimidated by him. He's so smart and funny and I long to joke around with him but I cannot talk to him anymore. Once I was able to talk with him, before I started liking him. During that time I found out we had a lot in common. I was in a relationship at the time, though. Then, after I started to like him, I couldn't talk to him anymore. Sometimes I think he might just be shy too. I have had people tell me to get over my shyness because my life isn't going to live itself but I honestly don't know how. How can you get over being shy? When does love cease to be terrifying? I think that my previous relationship only worked out because he was more outgoing than me and it kind of made up for my shyness a little bit.

[Skyraider829]

Hey you know what, I'm a young guy that has been interested in this girl that lives in my neighborhood, who happens to be shy. And I myself, have difficulties in approaching her and talking to her. One of you is going to have stand up and be confident. I finally am feeling more relaxed and confident around this girl, and well - not much has happened but it seems like we are able to talk a little more openly about general things. Simple confidence in yourself may just be the cure.

[smile1983]

But how do I gain that confidence? Every time I think of something to say to him I have to force myself to get the words out of my mouth. Forget about being spontaneous and fun. It's all I can do just to ask him how he likes the weather. I do not have problems talking to him about work related stuff, just real stuff.

[Weezy1973]

Remember that shyness isn't a personality trait. It is a fear of rejection that prevents you from showing your personality to people. And if you want to be in a quality relationship (or live an authentic life) you absolutely have to let people see the real you. If they don't like you, so be it.

 

To get over shyness you literally have to force yourself into those situations where the fear is taking over. And it's quite hard. Your body is experiencing fear and trying to prevent you from approaching this guy. Only the fear is irrational. If he doesn't like you, you will survive. In fact, whatever the outcome, you're better off taking that risk.

 

Don't wait to magically become more confident or comfortable. Go talk to him in spite of your fear.

 

 

Good luck

[smile1983]

I keep thinking that if I had something to talk with him about I would get over my shyness and say something or maybe if he said something first. However, we watch one of the same shows and I absolutely love it but I have never brought it up with him and instead converse with my other co-worker who also watches. Today at work he mentioned the show to another co-worker asking if he watched it and I could have said something about watching it, but didn't. I wanted to say something but he wasn't talking to me. Do you think I should have said something anyway?

[Weezy1973]

Sure! Say something, say anything. Don't worry about sounding perfect; just do it.

[pcplod]

How can you get over being shy?

 

With a lot of hard work and determination to not be your own victim and a not inconsiderable amount of masochism.

 

You have to be prepared to walk where your fear would have you not.

 

It is that simple. There are and will be no magical cures or solutions. You have to start off from being shy, for whatever reasons, and conquer it. That means imposing a certain level of cruelty on yourself. There is no other way of overcoming it.

 

However, you can help yourself by setting yourself small incremental objectives and gain confidence in yourself as you knock them off. You have to find some practical way of convincing yourself of your own abilities and assets. One important aspect of this is to not concern yourself with possible outcomes, whether good or bad and thus anticipating possible/probable failure. The only way you can avoid failure is to avoid doing anything. Embrace the possibility of failure. Dealing with failure competently is good, avoiding the possibility is not. In any event, despite your best efforts, failure may still happen because success is not always solely within your remit.

 

What would be better? To try and fail but know you have tried, or not try at all, thus knowing you have avoided possible failure, or realising that you have already failed by not trying at all?

Edited July 29, 2013 by pcplod

[smile1983]

It would really help if someone told me that they have overcome it. It is like my shyness comes with a switch that I can turn off when it is something business related. Like I can talk to customers no prob, even if I find them attractive because that's just business. But I can't do anything that would remotely resemble flirting. I can tease only people I know well that I am unattracted to. I cannot tease a person I like even though I might think of ways to tease them. At my work place we are very casual, many of us tease each other and play around. I tease most of my co-workers, even the male ones often. I have seen the guy I like teasing other employees as well but we never tease each other. We never talk to each other. It is almost as if we have the same problem. I did find the courage to ask him something the other day but it was a very business like question. He answered graciously just as anyone would but it did not quell my shyness about talking with him of other things.

[Socks At Play]

I've had women at work express their interest via a third party. It's easy for me to then take that information and invite her on a date. (You then have to say yes and show up.)

[Southern Cal Dude]

I've had women at work express their interest via a third party. It's easy for me to then take that information and invite her on a date. (You then have to say yes and show up.)

 

 

I would be so turned off by that. That's cowardly IMO.

[smile1983]

I'm not sure what I want right now anyway. I guess it is best that we don't really talk because I am scared of being hurt again or hurting someone else. I am less than a year out of a ten year long relationship. Maybe that is why I am so shy. When I was younger it was because I was inexperienced, now it is because I am afraid.

[smile1983]

Update on my situation. I actually talked to him a little tonight. Just about that show we have in common but its a start right? Maybe this is the start of me not being so shy with him. We'll see.