minky Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Hi, everyone! I'm new here. I need some advice. I have been married for almost 12 years and have 2 children with my husband. I got pregnant before we were married, and was pressured by family, to save face because we were Catholic, to get married and basically cover-up the mistake. I knew after the first month of marriage that I had made a mistake, but alot was going on at the time - our baby was the victim of medical malpractice on the 6th day of life while still in the hospital's care and is a disabled child now, I lost both of my parents within a 5 year time frame, I am an only child and have noone to turn to for family now, 7 months after having our first child, I got pregnant with a second, but decided to have a tubal ligation done after the second baby was born. My children are now 11 and 9, and my husband is a good provider, etc... I work, too, but it is like we are just friends now. We are not compatible sexually, only have the kids in common, and I feel like we are just staying together for the kids sake. My in-laws have never liked me - I have always had to deal with alot of insults, etc... from my husband's family. Little or nothing causes an argument - my husband is somebody I can't talk to. I am so unhappy, but don't know what to do first. My mother-in-law has said that if we ever split up that my husband will quit his job so that he doesn't have to pay child support, etc... This is my biggest fear. I don't want our quality of life to go to heck. What would any of you do? I have been faithful to my husband all through this marriage also, although he has hounded other women on several occasions - I'm not really sure if he has done anything behind my back or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. I'm finding myself attracted to other men now - one in partcular - but how do I tell him my situation? How do I break away, start over, and tell friends, etc... once I ever get a new life in order? Thanks for any advice! Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Try your best to work on your marriage. If you fail then leave. Don't get sexually involved with anybody until your marriage is finally over if that's what you want eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedkat Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I got emotionally(not physicallty, but it is still a betrayal) involved with another man and if I learned anything (as I am still dealing with ending the emotional involvement), it is not to confuse the situation. At least for me, the guilt just makes everything else harder. I have been married 8 years and have two children, 7 and 5. I also have felt like my marriage was dead in a number of ways. My only advice, and take it for what it is worth, because I am pretty messed up right now....if you don't give it your best shot, with a clear conscience (no one else involved), you will never be able to make a decision you can live with. If you are truly unhappy and think you would be better off apart, then do it, but with no thoughts of any other man. If you have any hope left at all, any love for this man, then try with everything you have....but not forever. Life is too short. But at least if it doesn't work, you know that you have done everything you can and you can leave with the confidence you will need to get through some pretty rough times. Good luck to you. I am sorry that you are going through this. I know I feel like indecision is worse than anything. The limbo that your life is in, not knowing what to do, is the hardest place to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Hi, Minky! I'm sorry you are going through this... You say that you are Catholic. Are you registered at a parish and do you attend regularly? I hope so. If you are/do, please talk to your priest. I know-what do they know about marriage?? A lot more than you'd think Please give it a try-both of you. If you aren't practicing, please try counseling. At least for yourself. I tell everyone that, but I'm going myself and it does help! I'm kind of in a similar situation as you, so I REALLY feel for you... As confusedkat so eloquently put it, "... if you don't give it your best shot, with a clear conscience (no one else involved), you will never be able to make a decision you can live with." I agree-definitely don't cheat on him... confusedkat also said: "If you have any hope left at all, any love for this man, then try with everything you have....but not forever. " Such good advice! I just had to copy it so it would be up here twice Try everything you can to save your marriage. Are you ready to do everything to save it, or are you ready to break away now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author minky Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Hi, again, everyone! I honestly, really feel like I have tried my darndest in my situation. What I forgot to mention in my last post was that we sleep in separate bedrooms ( that's been going on for quite awhile ), and my husband has said that if I'm not happy with him to find somebody else, leave, etc... He will not go to marriage counseling - I have suggested that on several occasions. Yes, we go to church every week as a family, but I don't want to talk to them. We were married by the JOP, not the Church, but did have our marriage blessed later. I wouldn't get physically involved with anyone else until I do decide exactly what to do. All I'm saying is that other guys are starting to look better to me every day because of my situation. I just feel that I have no one to confide in. On weekends when my husband is home from work, all he does is sleep late, often also takes a nap, and gets mad if me or the kids even approach him. He rarely wants to do anything with us, other than go to church. My 9 year old knows how unhappy I am. Maybe it's best to wait until the kids are grown before doing anything, I don't know?! Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Going to counseling alone can be really helpful, maybe even more helpful than counseling together in some situations. It would at least help you to get your thoughts together, and help you make a decision about the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedkat Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I agree that individual counselling would probably be good. I am not saying you should stay with him, only giving some advice that was given to me....be very confident in the decision you make. If it is not right, I firmly believe one should go out and live the life she was given. But, it all depends on who you are. I can only say for me, I live in tremendous guilt, and sometimes have something to prove since my parents were both twice divorced. See, the dynamics are different for everyone. I know I would question myself forever if I didn't continue to try. But, if you feel in your heart it is really gone, then I say move on in your life. Life is short, but if you make the wrong decision, even if that wrong decision is to stay, then it can be very long and hard. Only you know at what point you are confident enough with making a decision. I know it is so hard, especially if ther are children involved. I really feel for you, and I can really relate to what you are going through. Do what you need to to make yourself and your children happy. And I completely understand other people looking more attractive than a spouse who you feel little for. The only thing I will say about that is that being emotionally unfaithful to my husband, I was/and still am sometimes, so in love with how I felt when the other person tells me how incredible I am, that I lose perspective. It is so refreshing to feel good again, but it is so easy t deny that part of the attractions are that you haven't had the day to day grind with anyone else, and you haven't had the child rearing problems, and all the other mundane and difficult things that marriage brings. Don't get me wrong, I understand. Really. And I give you credit that you would not do anything until the marriage is over. I aon;y say from my own experience that it is easy to idealize another person or another life that you may be dreaming about, even if it is alone. I am not judging, lol, God knows I have no idea where my life is headed long term. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your confusion. I hope you find peace and contentment... Good luck to yoU! Link to post Share on other sites
confusedkat Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Oh, and I forgot....my husband and I also have been sleeping seperately for years. I know how hard that is. What a loss of intimacy that is. I sleep with my children most nights. Sex has been maintenance on my end for years. I go back and forth on wondering if it is better if I wait until the kids are grown. But I think part of the decision would need to be based in how you parent together. For the most part, my husband and I parent well together. So, at this point, it is still good for the kids for us to be together. But you don't want your children to see you unhappy and to think that that is what a marriage is. Like I said before, I am still hopeful for myself, but also realistic that if things don't change, on my part, also, not just his, that we can't live our lives like this forever. Good luck. I am trying counselling soon and it may be helpful for you, too! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucia Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Tell me one good reason to stay in this relationship. I don't see any. Trying to save...what? Your life is miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author minky Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Lucia seems to be the only one who truly understands my situation. I feel that 12 years is enough trying - how much longer do I have to try?! My husband has left us on at least 2-3 occasions, gone back to his mother, then has returned after having fun at the bar - dancing and drinking, etc... I have never done that. I have always been the one to hold down the fort with the kids. In staying, all I see is that I'm teaching my sons that it's okay to do this to women - that you can crap on your wife, she'll take it, and that you can always come back home. Plus, he has hit me by throwing his wallet at me when mad about something - another nice thing. He doesn't drive or anything - I have been towing all the weight in this relationship. I am also 6 years older than him. We live in an apartment, and he has no intentions of buying us a house he has said. I had a house of my own before I was married to him, and we lost everything when our disabled son came along. I have plenty to be resentful about. So much has happened so fast in 12 years - my disabled son has had 7 surgeris relating to his condition - cerebral palsy - and then, like I said before, both of my parents died. I guess, eventually leaving has always been my plan - but I'm not sure how long I'll continue to wait to do it. Thanks again for everyone's suggestions, etc... And, my decision has nothing to do with another man - I'm pretty level headed. Right now, it's about getting outstanding bills paid and saving some money, etc... so, I can have the quality of life that I want. My husband will just end up back with his mother. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedkat Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 I didn't realize how bad it really was. If leaving is your plan, do it sooner than later. Life is really too short to be unhappy. And you do deserve happiness. Everyone does. Fear is what holds many people back from making a decision. You can make it, it sounds like you are a survivor. And yes, 12 years is a long time. You want your children to see that their mother has the strength and confidence to find happiness in life. A strong single parent is better than a fearful and unhappy married parent. If that is what your intent is, do it with confidence. Again, good luck to you! Trust me, I probably understand more than you may think. Link to post Share on other sites
johnsvwgirl Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Unless your husband is abusive, alcoholic or addicted to drugs, you should stay in your marriage. Your kids will thank you for not tearing their lives apart. Harsh as this may sound, you need to stop being selfish and concerned with your happiness. Sure things could be rosier, but you are a grown woman with two dependent children. Think of their best interest, not yours. You have the power to create a loving home. Use that power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author minky Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 You apparently haven't read my posts thoroughly. I have been more giving and thoughtful and loving and understanding than most women could ever be. Anyone who really knows me would tell you that right to your face. Just the other day, my one son said to me that he's sick of us arguing, and that he thinks I should get a divorce. Actually, I found out that I can get an annullment because of my situation. I think each person in these forums knows what's best for them, and I'm actually sorry that I even came here because this place is a joke - telling people to stay in situations where they are miserable after trying for years to make things work. You don't know me from adam and I think there's nothing worse than living a lie and pretending in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 ...I'm actually sorry that I even came here because this place is a joke - telling people to stay in situations where they are miserable after trying for years to make things work. Well, sounds like you've made up your mind! Now you need to get an annulment. The first thing I told you to do, was go to a priest. According to the Church, you can get one only after doing everything you can to salvage your relationship. People have been trying to help you here. They've been trying to give you advice on salvaging your relationship. Sorry you think this place is a "joke". You don't know me from adam and I think there's nothing worse than living a lie and pretending in a relationship. That's right. Nothing worse. Congrats on finding out you can get an annulment. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Well...I've got to say that if you truly feel this place is a "joke", then why bother reading responses? You asked for advice...people provided it...you didn't like it, so now it's a "joke"??? One of the main things you'll hear from everyone who has ever cheated on their spouse (emotionally OR physically, there IS a difference...more on that in a few) is that "but MY situation is different!". Agreed, everyone's situation is different, and we only know what you've posted here. BUT...you asked for advice from a number of people who have at least been through a very similar situation. My advice...same as you've heard from several others. Make a decision now...leave or stay. Just that simple. If it's leave...leave. Leave the house, go to your family/friends/someone (but NOT another man!), get the annullment, and begin building a life. Do it BEFORE you get involved, emotionally or otherwise, with ANYONE else. If you get involved with someone else, you'll always feel like you did something wrong. You're husband will have at least one more thing to resent you for (and you don't need that...and YOU KIDS DON"T NEED THAT). If you begin building a relationship with someone BEFORE you've ended this one, you've sown seeds for disaster. On a number of levels. So if its leave...do it NOW. And do it in STYLE. Get a job that makes you feel good about yourself. Become self-sufficient. Don't run TO someone....STRUT out on your own! (Same advice I gave my wife when we were beginning to seperate after I discovered her emotional affair...she didn't, and we're reconciling now! ). Or...if there is any feeling toward the husband you've had for 12 years, begin rebuilding if its possible. It might not be...it doesn't sound promising from what you've posted. BUT...make darn sure that there ISN"T anything, or that will be a source for regrets for a long time as well. I don't think that the both of you have invested as much into your relationship as you could have....and that is likely the true source of your problems. Lastly...an emotional affair is as devastating and marriage destroying as a physical one. TRUST ME...my wife began one several months ago, and it nearly destroyed our marriage. Our case is much different...I AM the world's greatest and most caring husband...but when the clinical depresssion set in, it didn't matter. Had it gotten physical with the OM, it would have absolutely spelled doom for our marriage...but even though it didn't, the pain I'm dealing with every day doesn't make me feel like what happened was just a little thing. Good luck...whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
anon2 Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Because if you are a believing Catholic, the only way to dissolve this marriage in the eyes of the church is to get an annulment. The church does not recognize divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedkat Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Pretending is the worst thing in a relationship. You are right. It is awfult o live a lie. I think all that most of us were trying to say was that you need to be sure, for yourself, because it is a huge decision. I am all for not staying in something that is doomed. Most of the advice was just to be positive that there is nothing, NOTHING there. The only reason I said that was because that is what I am going through...finding out if there is any glimmer of hope there for me and my husband. If you are positive, and confident, then YOU know what is right for you and your family. People can only tell you from their own experiences and try to help you from their perspective and life experience, but no one understands your life and situation as you do. I know if and when I make a decision to leave, I need to know that I did all I can just so I could leave with the confidence I need to ignore many of the judgments and comments other people will make. Link to post Share on other sites
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