Hello

[beautifulearth83]

Hey everybody... I haven't been on here in awhile. I felt like reaching out because things have been so crazy. So sorry if this is all over the place but I'll try to make it something that you can comprehend. Basically, I'm 30 years old now and I really don't know where I'm at. So much has happened and I feel reluctant to pinpoint certain events because I'm not sure what really matters in the scheme of things. I live with my parents, don't make too much money, see a therapist, take medication, have OCD, think pretty much all the time, have nagging feelings, I've gotten arrested, broken the law, had trouble with drinking, smoked pot for awhile again, got in a car accident, all kinds of things. I've had trouble with other people, and I'm under the impression that there are people who don't or haven't liked me. I've been rejected by people in public, had strange sexual endeavors, been on and off of smoking cigarettes, play too many video games, don't write and record enough music, feel like my personality changes a lot, my moods swing and I don't hang out with any friends. I've lost relationships, don't feel much energy at times, not always sure about where I live. I'm sure I could think of more.

 

The thing is, that I was raised in what I would consider and most would consider a good family. I luckily still have most of them in my life. I've never had to worry too much about getting what I want, I went to college (though I've been debating career decisions for awhile), my parents are generally kind people. We're healthy, my sister has two adorable kids. I have musical talent, a bunch of cool toys, a nice car, my job is steady, there is food to eat.

 

I just don't know what gives. Why everything feels like a constant struggle, a battle in my head. My body feels weird, my head always has kind of a buzz to it, I often feel split in half, not in touch with life and others. I'm not sure if all of this is simply due to OCD and overthinking, or if I'm living in the wrong place, or what. It seems like I'm always trying to figure out what it is that's going on with me.

 

All of that said. I can see that there are possibly answers within my own post. Like, I should sit down and write a list of the things I want to change about myself. I should ditch the video games, find time to meditate and do the things that energize me. And I don't know what keeps me from there. I don't know if it is that I experience roadblocks or failures and I just fall back into things, or if I'm just so obsessed with fixing things first before I proceed. Sometimes I think about money a lot. Thinking that I'll be more free once my debts are paid, etc. To some extent that is true, because it would be nice to not have that hanging over my head. But I know there are more important things to life.

 

I worry about my family a lot. I worry about how I affect them and I worry about what others think. I just want a fresh start kinda. And I can get myself to a meditative place, living in the moment, by watching a video or reading a book about it, but it doesn't exactly stick, and I feel like something needs to forever change in my head before I can be normal.

 

Sometimes I feel like all I need to do is cry, just have a cathartic experience, that I need to express myself more. Sometimes I think about ending it, but it's not something I've ever truly considered, just a thought as an easy way out. The thoughts that go through my head are that I've made such a mess of things up to this point, so what is the point of going on with such a reputation.

 

On a positive note. I'm fortunate enough to not have truly hurt anybody and I'm not in jail. Because I could be in jail right now for some of the things I've done. It saddens me. It saddens me that I'm not really here. I don't know myself anymore, and I don't feel like people know me. Meanwhile, I'm surrounded by a decent neighborhood, beautiful loved-ones and opportunities galore. So what gives? Why can't I just do it?

 

Maybe I don't know what it is I need to do. Sometimes I think maybe it's my surroundings, that maybe I don't like the pace here, or that I'm not proceeding through life with peers who understand. But I also have a hard time with friendships, with feeling misunderstood, with feeling like a burden, not really knowing what the true role of a friend is and how much of myself I'm supposed to invest.

 

My life has just been such a clutter, and the fact is that it's not such a terrible life to be born into. I have so much, and I always have. But I live like a psychotic bum who doesn't give a darn. I just want to scream, but I also want to disappear into nothing. I want to rise in the material world but I also want to live in the forest. I'd like to think that I could just live day by day and be graceful as things come.

 

I know nobody's life is without problems, so they say, but my problems, which are miniscule compared to some of the problems people have, feel like I'm in the middle of a war, or hiding from the Nazis. I don't get it.

 

I just don't know what the heck is wrong with me. My head hurts from all of it, and my heart is empty. It's like I've been asleep for a long time.

 

I think that's about all I can write right now.

 

Thanks if you read this and I appreciate any input in advance.