Is it a midlife crisis

[Sheri]

I have been married for almost 27 years. About 3 months ago (3 days before my birthday) I found out my husband was having an affair when the ow called his phone when he was asleep. I confronted him about the call and tells me he had meet her 8 days earlier in a bar and that our marriage had been over for a year. He told me that he was leaving me and that he wanted to see where the new relationship would go. He moved out. The next day he came over and said he just wanted to separate because he felt empty inside and needed time to think. We continued to talk every day for the next few weeks and he would tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to work on things. Then he stopped answering my calls or would call me back later. In June I found out that the ow bought him a new truck and he was living with her. He then told me that our marriage had been over for over 20 years, which is sad because we have a 26 and 20 year old sons. He has continued to pay the bills until recently when he got a second dui and lost his job. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said i think so, when I told him I didn't he said then I will hold off for awhile. That was a month ago. I asked the other day why he hadn't filed yet he told me because you asked me not to. I asked him if he had considered coming home and he told me several times but doesn't think things would be different. He told me he misses me. I asked him if he loved this woman (who was also married) and he told me he cared about her. She has spent over $20,000 dollars on him in the last two months. A truck and trailer, vacation, bought him clothes, paid for a lawyer and much more. He has a new hair cut and is clean shaven. He has had the same hair cut and mustache for over 30 years. I still love him with my whole heart and not sure what to do. It is like he changed overnight. Please help.

[Balzac]

when he got a second dui and lost his job

 

Elephant in the room!!

[love4menotu]

Sheri-

 

First of all I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are going to need support to get through this betrayal to you and your family.

 

May I suggest Al-Anon. It is a program for friends and family members of alcoholics. Your adult children can attend as well. You do not have to speak at all, just find a meeting and go. They are free - and the support and love you will find there will help you get through the dark days ahead.

 

Please do not sit there and hold on to hope that he will come to his senses. The path to healing is to move forward, accept that it happened and do what is best for you and your children. Now is not the time to feel sorry for him, it is time for you to get angry, get moving and get back in control.

 

You have a wonderful life to live. With or without him.

 

Blessings to you and your children.

[Sheri]

Thank you. I have thought about going to meetings but I have not worked in almost 6 years. I have no income and have several health issues. I just want the pain to stop and the crying to stop. I wish there was some magic words to make me stop loving him.

[love4menotu]

Call Al-Anon Sheri... they will come and pick you up if need be.

 

You are gonna get through this, you just need a hand up.

 

Blessings... I'm so sorry for your pain. And it will ease if you reach out to others and ask for help.

[love4menotu]

I don't know if the admins will allow this, but there is a wonderful site for Al-anoners...

 

It's called soberrecovery.com .. check out the friends and family sections. Read everything you can there!

[Yasuandio]

Hon it's not true abou the unhappiness for the last 20 years. He's talking out his @&& just to hurt your self-esteem and bring u down to his low level. Drinkers are to selfish to stay where they are unhappy. To be sure he was happy as a clam. Maybe he got a little something rite now, short-term, that may seem better, but when she gets stuck washing his dirty drawers, he will be out the door so enough, girl. Don't worry about that.

 

It is one thing to have the excitement of the "affair," drama and fog chemicals racing in your blood, but the new car smell wears off real fast when she has to get on her knees to wipe up his puke, or put her house up to bond his drunken self outta the hoosegow, again. Oh, it's coming. He is the epotome of a repeat offender. Sit back and watch.

 

And where will he come when he wrecks her new truck, screws the insurance, she' boot his good-for-nutt'in sorry rear end out the door, and he hit's the rock bottom? Take a wild guess, sweetheart. (Unless he's independently wealthy). Yas

[Sheri]

My oldest has not spoken to his father since the day before Fathers Day. I don't know if he will again for a very long time. His dad has made no attempts to even contact him.

 

My youngest had a falling out with his father yesterday about the OW daughter trying to contact him on facebook. My son told him he did not appreciated her contacting him and that he had nothing to say to her or her mother. His dad told him to grow up, which caused my son to say a few choice words and hung up on him.

 

Both my boys worshiped the ground their dad walked on. I have tried to tell them that no matter what they should try and keep communication open with him but they are both adults and told me they are embarrassed that he is their dad.

 

I found out today that my husband is looking at a year in jail for his second dui. He lost his license as of the 22nd of this month. He was given the max for his first dui in 07 because he held a cdl. Which he got back in 09. This second dui disqualifies him for life on ever having a cdl license again.

 

My family and friends have told me that the OW will not stay and wait for him for a year to get out of jail. She meet him in a bar and will do the same thing when he is gone.

 

There are days I feel like a loser for not wanting to give up hope for my marriage.

 

Thank you for listening to me rattle on.

[oldshirt]

Thank you. I have thought about going to meetings but I have not worked in almost 6 years. I have no income and have several health issues. I just want the pain to stop and the crying to stop. I wish there was some magic words to make me stop loving him.

 

 

You probably stopped loving and respecting him years ago.

 

You've just been depending on him and used to his company and now you are realizing you can't depend on him because he is an undependable drunk and jerk.

 

He will have a certain level of dependency on you as well and he is also used to your company even though he has also probably been dissatisfied for many years.

 

(Side bar: This OW sounds like a real crackpot and no, she won't be there when he gets out of jail....neither should you but that is a separate issue)

 

This is a sad situation and one that probably can only be turned around by hitting the, "reset" button on your life. You need to get out and make a life for yourself and start pursuing your own self-interest and doing things for your own well being.

 

It won't be a walk in the park and it won't happen overnight but things like getting a job, getting more education, new home, new friends, start pursuing interests and hobbies etc etc.

 

That all surely seems extremely daunting now but all journies begin with one step and are taking one step at a time. the first few steps will be hard and for seemly little benefit but in time you will travel far and things will begin to improve and then will improve A LOT.

[Sheri]

Cory,

 

Thank you for your kind words. My husband and I were married in a church, so I believe in gods word. I don't believe in divorce and I thought my husband believed the same. I have prayed every day that god would heal my husbands heart but there are days that I think he is not listening to me. Maybe he is trying to tell me that I need to move on. I also believe that you can never have to many prayers.

 

My sons do know how much I am hurting but they have their own life's and do not want them to know how bad I am struggling with this because all that does is make them angrier with their dad. My youngest moved back in with me and I see how much pain it causes him when I am crying all the time.

 

Thank you again for your support.

[Sheri]

The last two days have been bad ones. I am not sure why but all I have done is cry. Something will come on tv and it will cause me to cry for hours. My youngest son tells me " Mom it will be ok, Dads a piece of @@&@ but I love you". In a few days it will be 3 months since my husband left and It still feels like it was yesterday. The last 27 years have been all about my husband and my boys and granddaughters. I am not sure how to feel like I am a person of worth.

 

Thanks for letting me whine.

[Yasuandio]

Your are good. Your are worthy. You are God's child. You are a most beautiful woman who made beautiful boys. Do not forget this.

 

Find a divorce support group at the Church. This is a session with a church leader. I found it most comforting in the early days. Yas

[Sheri]

I am not having a good day. I can't seem to stop crying. My oldest wants me to come see him and my two granddaughters. I can't seem to get the energy to go see them. They live an hour away and haven't seen them in a month. My husband called on Monday and wants his tools but has no drivers license and he said I will find a way to come and get them. The only way he has to get them is to have the ow bring him here. I am sick to my stomach at that thought. When he called i was upset and crying because it had been three month that day that he had left. He didn't understand why I was crying and wanted to know if I was ok. He asked me if there was something he needed to know that upset me so bad. All I wanted to do was yell at him and say get a clue. I have not said one bad thing to him the whole three months we have been separated. Maybe I should and I would feel better. I think I will go see my son now that I have vented.

 

Thanks

[Sheri]

Cory,

 

Thank you. It did help. My granddaughters are 6 years old and 9 months. They are my heart. The only sad thing is I have seen them 4 times since this has all happened and not once has my oldest granddaughter asked about her papa (my husband). I asked my son if she has asked why I am always by myself and he told me no.

 

I had a bad day today. I was going to the doctors and I almost wreaked my vehicle. The tread on one of my tires came off and I almost lost control of it. I have never been so scared in my life. I had been telling my husband for over 6 months that something was wrong with it but he always said I will look at it later. His sister was so mad about how upset I was that she called him. Mind you she has no spoken to him since he left me. He ended up calling me to make sure that I was ok. He sounded depressed and my first thought was good you should be unhappy. He asked me how things were going. I told him fine and needed to go. I had gone 8 days without speaking to him and now I feel like I and back to the beginning again.

[Sheri]

I woke up crying this morning. Not really sure why. I feel so alone some days. I feel like I am dying inside and don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to get passed this. I am having some health issues again and I don't have anyone to help me with this anxiousness and panic. My husband was always the one to calm me down and tell me it will be ok. There are days I feel like he hates me. Several people have told me "it's been almost 4 months since he left, you should be over it by now". I didn't know there was a clock on pain and hurt.

[Sheri]

Cory,

 

I received a text from him last Wednesday concerning his court issues. He is taking it to trial. I don't know why, dui's are cut and dry. But I guess the ow wants him to fight so she is paying for it. He then called me on Friday because a friend of his had told him I had gotten a lawyer and had filed for divorce. I told him no i don't have any money and I don't want a divorce and asked him if he had filed and he said no i have no money either. He then told me if things didn't change soon he would have no place to live because he hasn't been able to find a job. I thought to myself I guess things aren't so great in paradise. He told me that he still loves me and always will but our marriage could never be the same. I really wish he wouldn't do that because it makes it hard for me to move on. He said to me that he has lost a lot because no one in his family is talking him. I told him what do you expect, they are angry at him. He said they call you but won't return my calls. He acted like he had done nothing wrong and didn't understand why they were mad. I think he is losing his mind. I told him I wished he would come home and he told me " I have nothing, I have nothing to come home with" he then hung up.

 

I found out that he called our youngest the next day. My son asked him why he called about the lawyer and my husband said I just needed to be reassured that it wasn't true. I don't know why it would matter to him if I had filed he says he wants a divorce. He told my son that he thought he was going to go to jail and was scared. He then proceeded to tell my son that the ow had just paid 400 more to the lawyer and would have to pay 300 or 400 more. I don't know why he felt the need to tell my son that. I don't think it was right, it's like he has no filter anymore.

 

Well I thought this was going to be quick reply but I guess I needed to vent once again, sorry about that.

[Shocked Suzie]

promise you it does get better... Just look out for yourself and family. For me my real turning point was 8 month mark, starting to really see the light now... Still got lots to sort out, but feel like I am really letting go now thankfully!

... I feel your pain in the 3 month period, it's not good!

 

Minimal, preferably NC! I only communicate via email and that's not very often either. Protect yourself, get legal advice, change bank account, change your mobile number and importantly focus on you... Try not to put too much pressure in yourself it's a long journey but you will get there... Just takes time unfortunately

 

Midlife Club: About

 

SS xx

[Shocked Suzie]

MIDLIFE For Dummies

 

These two links really helped me stop blaming myself ... My ex is a CLASSIC mid life crisis!!

 

He has now decided to stop paying his part of the mortgage...nothing will surprise me 'he is a stranger' .... The OW is very welcome to him

 

You will eventually see many relationship gaps and finally start to feel freedom

 

SS xx

[Sheri]

Thank you Suzie. Cory, I am torn. He is looking at a year which is a long time. His family has told me that they want him to go to jail because he did not learn his lesson the last time and they feel that is the only way he will stop drinking. I just don't know. He told me if he is acquitted then he can drive truck again and start paying our bills again. There are times I want him to go to jail because I know the ow will be out of the picture. I don't want him to come home because she is no longer around, I want him to come home because he loves me and our boys. I have been praying for some guidance but I just don't know.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thank you Suzie. Cory, I am torn. He is looking at a year which is a long time. His family has told me that they want him to go to jail because he did not learn his lesson the last time and they feel that is the only way he will stop drinking. I just don't know. He told me if he is acquitted then he can drive truck again and start paying our bills again. There are times I want him to go to jail because I know the ow will be out of the picture. I don't want him to come home because she is no longer around, I want him to come home because he loves me and our boys. I have been praying for some guidance but I just don't know.

 

Sheri,

 

Your husband sounds like he needs a good stiff wake up call. Maybe the couple of months in jail will do it.

 

I think letting him depend on you when he has the OW is a mistake and allows him to use you as a security blanket.

 

I know you have been together a long time. But you need to start to take care if yourself so you can be there for your children and grandchildren.

 

Maybe by the time he gets out of jail you won't want him anymore.

[Sheri]

It is what it is,

 

I have been so angry over the last few days. I really don't think I have been this mad since this all happened. My youngest came to me yesterday and asked if he could stop talking to his dad for a while because he felt his dad was just calling him because he wanted to brag about all the stuff he had gotten from this woman. I told my son, you are an adult and can do as you please.

 

I'm hope you are right and I will not want him when he gets out.

[Sheri]

Cory,

You must be a mind reader. I really had a rough day today. Yesterday was 4 months since he left. Today is my 27th anniversary. I really did not expect to hear from my husband. He called today to make sure I was ok. He said i know today is hard. I had not spoken with him in 2 weeks. We talked for almost an hour, which is the longest in over 4 months. He told me he was sorry he was unable to pay the bills. I told him it wasn't his problem anymore and he told me it was his problem and had not been able to find a job because of his pending trial. He told me I still want to be friends and talk. I really don't think I can be friends with him at this point. I still love this man with all my heart but just can't see being just friends.

[skydiveaddict]

I still love him with my whole heart and not sure what to do. It is like he changed overnight. Please help.

 

Don't let him use you like this. He can't break your heart like this without consequences. It ain't a midlife crisis. You are married to a selfish child. Call him out on it. Better yet, kick him out until he decides to man up. And if he won't, put his **** out on the curb and tell him to find someone else to abuse.

Edited September 7, 2013 by skydiveaddict

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Cory,

You must be a mind reader. I really had a rough day today. Yesterday was 4 months since he left. Today is my 27th anniversary. I really did not expect to hear from my husband. He called today to make sure I was ok. He said i know today is hard. I had not spoken with him in 2 weeks. We talked for almost an hour, which is the longest in over 4 months. He told me he was sorry he was unable to pay the bills. I told him it wasn't his problem anymore and he told me it was his problem and had not been able to find a job because of his pending trial. He told me I still want to be friends and talk. I really don't think I can be friends with him at this point. I still love this man with all my heart but just can't see being just friends.

 

Sheri

 

This was a call to ease HIS guilt, not for you. This is a selfish selfish man. Do not let him off the hook for what he has done and is doing.

[Sheri]

I am needing some advice. We had a birthday party on Sunday for my granddaughter. My husband was there and i stayed away from him. I have not seen him in 2 months. I was told by everyone there that all he could do was stare at me. I guess it is because I have lost 65 lbs since he left. I found out after my youngest and I left that my husband wants my son to come and pick him up and take him to our storage so he can get the items that he feels he wants. The last 4 months he has told me over and over I can have everything, but he is slowly taking things. Everything we own is in our storage because we have lived in a fifth wheeler trailer for 3 years to save for a house. I am not sure what to do. I have the only key to the storage. Also the storage is in my name only. My concern is that if my husband goes to jail for a year, the ow will sell everything he has there.

 

The other thing is I have mention before that I have health issues, and I had a social security hearing yesterday and my lawyer told me he thinks I will get social security disability. Ever since yesterday my husband has been calling me 2 or 3 times a day. I have not answered because I feel all he is calling for is to see if I got approved. I am looking at getting a large back pay amount. Both my sons and a few friends are telling me that he probably wants to see if he can come home now that I will have money. I don't think that is the case. I think he thinks he is entitled to some of the money.

 

Any advice or comments will be appreciated.