Lampshade Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 (me & workmate - expressed strong feelings-didnt act upon them as both attached - I left company and thought I'd moved on BUT.... Over the past 12 months we have periodically texted each other to catch up and ask how each are doing, we discussed meeting up twice but backed off because it would be the wrong thing to do in the long term as we both know where it would lead (strong sexual chemistry - we'd be rolling in the hay before the coffee was served) I thought we had moved passed the "will we wont we" stage and had resigned ourselves to occasional texts to catch up and touch base. However, approx 2 months ago during one of our catch ups, I asked if he'd like to meet for coffee. I'd like to say that meeting for coffee and catching up was my only agenda but in truth I wanted to know if he still had feelings for me and whether we would finally get it on. He said he couldn't meet me for coffee as "1) we would fall out, which wouldn't be a nice feeling and 2) He doesn't normally meet up with single women it wouldn't be right" (I'm currently splitting from my husband as my marriage as been dead for years) I asked if he would prefer me to stop texting to which he replied "yes please stop texting". I replied that I would respect his wishes and haven't sent a text to him since. My problem is and the reason for posting in search of advice is.... This last two months have been torture, I'm ok for about 2 weeks and then all of a sudden I feel as if my heart is being ripped out and constantly think of him. These feelings then pass for another couple of weeks and then BOOM there they are again. This is the longest we have gone without touching base, I'm therefore hoping these feelings will occur less frequently as time goes on. Are my feelings normal, given we never became physical? I need reassurance that how I feel is normal and not contacting him is the right thing to do. During these bouts I often have to fight the urge to accidentally on purpose bump into him, which leaves me feeling like a complete cad and snake. Indeed I feel a complete cad and snake for trying to tempt him into meeting up in the first place, which makes me feel even more crap. I also feel crap because the truth is I would have shagged his brains out at the first opportunity and it was him who stopped it progressing. Part of me still wants to know if he cares for me which is stupid because I know his feelings are the reason he will not meet up - he doesn't trust himself/trust me/trust us both.... I had hoped to just be friends but he wont entertain this idea either.... Why? will this confusion and longing end eventually? thanks for taking the time to read this, please tell me if this is all normal and give some independent insight into the whole situation x Link to post Share on other sites
sadwithouthim Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I've been in an EA for 4 1/2 years. We've recently gone no contact (21 days in now) and it feels like an eternity. I'm coming to find out it's a process. We had gone NC before, but this is the longest, and I know he wants to be done with this. Well, maybe he does AND doesn't. I'm the married one, he's single, we never met in person. That's part of the regret for me. I'll just never know. Some days are much easier than others. There have been days I've felt bad all day and cried a lot, and others that I was able to reason with myself and not feel so bad. I give myself pep talks in the car, reminding myself that I'm married, and he doesn't want to be my forever affair. The real issue I need to get on with is ending my disastrous marriage. That was always the thing that needed done. He was secondary to the big issue. Sometimes I try to convince myself it just wasn't real, but 4 1/2 years is such a long time, and there are lots of memories. Even though it never went PA, there was a lot of intimate and emotional sharing. Today was a better day. It seems if I cry (which I did yesterday), it helps to take away the pain if only for a day or two. Hopefully, it will keep getting easier. I wish I could stop thinking about him and stalking him. Part of me wishes he would contact me, but the other part doesn't want to be back in the same hopeless situation. I will concentrate on ME, bettering myself, deciding how to move on from a loveless marriage, maybe even take up yoga. I'm trying to stay strong. Hmmm...I think I'll play Cyndi Lauper's song "I'm gonna be strong" on Youtube, even though it will probably make me cry. I keep telling myself "You're okay", and I almost believe it. Do things that make you feel happy, and always smile, even if you have to fake it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lampshade Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Update..... after 2 months of NC (58days to be precise) he text me this morning saying " I assume when you said you wouldn't contact again you meant it?" What now? Do I text back saying I assumed when you ask me not to you meant it too? Do I ignore him? As far as I know we are both still attached (although I intend to split from my husband) nothing has changed. Any advice greatly appreciated. x Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Your reply should be .........silence. What a stupid question after 58 days. 19 yeArs ago I was where you are. I missed him but what would the point have been of leaving my job if I was just going to give in to temptation after all? Just over a year ago I found out about my H's emotional affair. How's that for karma? And I can tell you, unless you really hate your partner and want to rip his heart out, just leave it. Let there be silence. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Ignore ignore ignore in my best sheep-like impression I have to say I think the guy is a baaaastud why is he doing this to you after all this time? All your hard work at trying to move on... Or: Send Tara's text blocker activated message from the NC guide You have been counting the days NC? I applaud you...I have a vague idea but generally...I haven't Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Update..... after 2 months of NC (58days to be precise) he text me this morning saying " I assume when you said you wouldn't contact again you meant it?" What now? Do I text back saying I assumed when you ask me not to you meant it too? Do I ignore him? I am seeing a pattern which worries me, not with you specifically, but from general reading on this forum - they seem to always come back? Why? I recently lost a very dear friend, and I now believe that emotions were getting involved more from his side than mine, but I now realise this is why he has cut me off. Now I worry he will come back. What are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Mine came back after 72 days. "I know you said not to contact but just been thinking about you and wondered how you were?" I was not strong enough to not reply. This was two weeks ago. I wish I'd ignored then but I was so pleased to hear from him I just mucked up. Have gone NC again and been more stern this time about it so who knows hopefully that will be it now. Link to post Share on other sites
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