Good timing, or the worst possible timing?

[HurdyGurdyMan]

Hi I’m new here, but I’ve done my share of lurking (especially on the Coping board). Some of the best advice I’ve ever heard is on that board!

 

Okay, so I’m 4 months out of a 5-year relationship, but that’s not why I’m posting (that’s another story).

 

There’s this girl I’ve liked for years (she’s a friend of mine’s girl’s best friend), but only ever in a chaste kind of way because I’ve been one relationship or another, and she’s been in the same relationship for the past 10 years, and in fact got engaged last year. So nothing was ever gonna happen. But I’d see her now and again on nights out and have a little daydream about “what ifs”, and “I wonders”, and we’d always have a great time in each other’s company, and there’s definitely a spark (and I know I’m not imagining this because a friend who saw us together asked me if we used to be an item). But nothing would ever happen (could ever happen), and that would be that, and then I wouldn’t see her again for weeks or months. But she was in the back of my mind, y’know?

 

So two months ago, she walks into this bar where, by coincidence, I happen to be celebrating a friend’s birthday. We get chatting. This is where I learn that a) she’s split up with her fiancée 3 months earlier b) she’s heard that I’ve split up with my GF. We agree to go out sometime.

 

The following week we go out, to a gig. In the days leading up to it I was nervous as hell and excited too and disbelieving: I mean, no one is this lucky, right? We both happen to both become free agents at almost exactly the same time after years of being in separate relationships. But when the evening came around and I saw her in the window of the bar in which we were meeting I realised something, like a bucket of ice water to the nuts: I’m not ready for this yet!

 

And if I wasn’t ready for this, she was a hundred times not ready. She was almost like a different person: anxious, nervous, introverted. Not herself. Date wasn’t a disaster as such, but it wasn’t exactly how I hoped, and needless to say didn’t end with going back to anyone’s for coffee and etc

 

I’ve seen her a couple of times since, both lunch dates, and I’m in contact with her on WhatsApp. I know that she’s the one who split with her fiancée, but she still meets up with him, goes to visit him at the flat they used to share. (I’m 100% certain they’re not doing anything tho). She still hasn’t fully moved out; has stuff of hers in her car she hasn’t moved into her new place (7 months later). Also, shortly after she split up (before I was on the scene), she had a fling with someone she used to work with, a rebound I suppose, but he cooled it off and it later transpired (this is after I’m on the scene) that he’d been hedging his bets with her and another woman and he chose the other woman. She took that hard and, I think, projected a lot of her feelings from the breakdown of her 10-year relationship on to it.

 

In terms of my own ex, I’ve been in NC with her since I found out she’s seeing someone new; almost 2 months now, thanks in no small part to LS and the inspirational words of No Foolin’, what a legend! But we have only been split up for 4 months and I am terrible – terrible! – for getting out of one relationship and straight into another. And while I can’t exactly say I’m having a ball with the single life yet, I’m in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I’m like a mole coming out of his hole, blinking in the light.

 

Even though I’ve only seen her a couple of times, I speak to her pretty much every day. She’s become a more and more important person in my life; she’s really helped me through the tough times of a few weeks back, and I know I’ve helped her. But I want to take things to the next level.

 

So what I’m driving at is: Is there a chance that this can go anywhere? Or does the timing mean that I’m dead in the water? She’s dealing (or not dealing) with not one but two break-ups; I’m still dealing with my own (although I feel like I’m making progress). Am I a fool for wanting to jump into something new so soon? Or have I misread the signs over all these years and she only wants friendship from me? Do I hang in there for when circumstances change for the better? I think normally I would walk way from this, or distance myself, but, not kidding, I’ve liked this girl for YEARS and never, ever thought I would have a shot. Now I feel like I’ve got a shot, and I really don’t want to screw it up! Or do I seriously need to manage my expectations?

 

We’re going for a night out together on Tuesday (a date by any other name). There will be alcohol, there may possibly be dancing. I feel like this is the time to bring it to a head. Any tips to mitigate it being a disaster? I’m a big boy; I know I can’t make something happen if she’s not feeling it too. But any advice – particularly from girls! – as to how I can not shoot myself in both feet would be really great. Or at least not make a total fool of myself anyway.

 

Thanks,

HGM