Lady2163 Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Also known as....how did you get caught. I've never been caught. I did have one DDAY, when I was very young. MM broke up with me, ceased all communication, then to clear his good Christian conscience, told his wife. He did lie to her about several things regarding the affair, but threw ME under the bus. I could give a lot examples of what I have heard over the years, but I wanted to hear what other people here had to say. I did have a friend who was caught by her husband when he went to get some dryer sheets to put in his winter boots for the summer season from the laundry room (he NEVER went in there) and he wondered why they had two large boxes of open detergent. Turns out the second box was her souvenir/love letter stash. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Lol mines left a condom in their truck and that made the wife catch on... He lied saying it was his friends but I knew from that moment, our relationship wouldn't be the same. And it hasn't... I told him we should stop but he didn't want to... Then his wife lectures him about leaving with a spin of the kids. He got a slap of reality and checked his emotions out of our A. Did he want to because it was the right thing to do? Or because he was obligated to? In the end he choose her. I left... Day 3 of NC taking baby steps. Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 We had a dday, my phone number was the main theme of his cell phone bill, he told her it was me, put up a smoke and mirror show about it. The day after business as usual, I asked him if we should "cool off", he said he didnt want that... thats the last I heard from that situation (the phone number thing) until a few months down the road and my # was on a corperate invitation sent to him that she saw and she replied for him from her cellphone, which is how I have her # now... I have no idea how he explains my # being all over his bill still as I dont work with him anymore.... I dont care enough to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I never really truly had a Dday. About a month ago, his wife got a message from a friend saying that "he's up to no good" and to keep a better eye on him. That is all I know. From that point on, the A was never the same. The only way he knows was from him snooping through her phone. Although, she did ask him if he had anything that he needs to tell her. He said no. He never confessed. He said from that point on, she's acted like everything was fine..although he wasn't. He wasn't sure what she had up her sleeves. For awhile, he wouldn't call me and wouldn't only message me through Facebook. He would message me through there as to when he would call so I know it is him, and not her. He told me never to pick up the phone saying "hi hun"..just say hi. He'd make comments to me about not being sure how long he can dance around her and he has to weigh the long term v. short term consequences. From there, I decided to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 DDay # 1- pink and black thong left in my bed DDay # 2- text message I saw I did not like Please don't be mad at me, but I am wondering if the motivation for for question is not to learn what prompted DDays in general, but to learn what prompted DDays that resulted in WS leaving BS, vs DDays where WS stayed with BS? I could be wrong, just guessing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 DDay # 1- pink and black thong left in my bed DDay # 2- text message I saw I did not like Please don't be mad at me, but I am wondering if the motivation for for question is not to learn what prompted DDays in general, but to learn what prompted DDays that resulted in WS leaving BS, vs DDays where WS stayed with BS? I could be wrong, just guessing. Thank you for being tasteful. I really did just want to know in general. I firmly believe a huge portion of whether the WS stays or leaves depends on the true personality of the WS. This may be oversimplified, but I'm also a firm believer in whether or not a WS stays or leaves a BS, after dday, depends largely on...well, whether or not the BS "lets" them stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Betterthanthis...did you want mean to make some observations on your ddays? I can be honest, but I certainly don't mean to be hateful. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I actually just described in pretty good detail DDay #1 on the thread called did you ever let BS know on the sly.. I left off the story after his explanation of the thong, but after that incident I did bnot believe his stupid story---I did some investigating, found the girl, talked to her, broke up with him, moved out and moved on with my life. Turns out he was telling her (he had only known her for 3 weeks or so) that he did not have a girlfriend, that we had broken up ages ago but I was crazy and couldn't let go, and refused to get my stuff from his place. He "felt bad" for me because I was having such a hard time with the break up, but was definitely going to get a uhaul and get all my things out of there soon. That's what she told me he told her. Haha. He finally confessed to sleeping with her "one time". Anyway, I'm an idiot and somehow after a few months of NC I let this guy back into my life and we were together about a year or so, moved back in, DDay # 2 was about 6 weeks ago, that was a text message. I described that one in detail at some point somewhere on LS. Ill see if I can locate it. Just FYI I'm done with this guy, I don't hang out here on OW/OM or on Infideliy board to do anything except learn stuff. Hopefully anything I've been through can help someone else waste less of their precious time if they notice any similarities in their WS behavior. My guy is seriously messed up- he is not a bad person, it is a really sick, twisted pathology that he has and it has taken me close to 4 years to come to term with the fact that it does not matter how much he loves me- any life with him is going to include a lot of pain and heartache, a lot of lies and deception. He is the ultimate cake eater. Not all WS are the same as him. I totally get that. He is just one type. But his type is more common than I think BS or OW want to believe. I think we both want to believe WS is just confused- he made a mistake, or he's stuck, he has obligations, depending on what side you are on, and eventually he will come to his senses. It's so hard to comprehend that they LIKE the game. They don't want it to end. But like I said, that is just one type of WS. Some do have terrible marriages and fall in love with AP and leave, some do just have a mistake affair and go back and R with BS. Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Also known as....how did you get caught. I've never been caught. I did have one DDAY, when I was very young. MM broke up with me, ceased all communication, then to clear his good Christian conscience, told his wife. He did lie to her about several things regarding the affair, but threw ME under the bus. I could give a lot examples of what I have heard over the years, but I wanted to hear what other people here had to say. I did have a friend who was caught by her husband when he went to get some dryer sheets to put in his winter boots for the summer season from the laundry room (he NEVER went in there) and he wondered why they had two large boxes of open detergent. Turns out the second box was her souvenir/love letter stash. Our big DDay happened because someone told her to be suspicious and she did. I'm not sure if it was a "friend" I had confided in or someone else who just suspected. We weren't very hidden. In retrospect DDay could have easily been avoided but we were several years into it at that point and maybe we wanted to get caught? Maybe we needed it. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Our dday happened because the W saw us. xMM and I started hooking up, on occasion, in his car parked at his house while his W and kids slept. I asked him if I could come by that night, and although he was hesitant because he wasn't 100% sure that she was asleep, he agreed. Well, she wasn't and heard him going outside. When he didn't return after a few minutes, she called, but he didn't notice or the phone failed to ring. When he didn't answer the second call, she came outside looking for him and got a very brief and obstructed view of him getting into his vehicle with a girl. She didn't confront us. She just went back inside and waited (I still don't understand how) and confronted him 2hrs later when came back in. The result: the A continued. He lied to her about and/or simply stonewalled everything to point where he vehemently denied that there was an A or that anything inappropriate had taken place. I don't even know what he told her in regards to why I was even there (if he explained it at all), but he only admitted that I was there (which she's already seen with her own eyes) and said he'd only thought about doing something with me, but couldn't/didn't go through with it. I'm not sure if or how much she believed him, but she seem to accept it. The only change it brought about for him and me was in bringing us closer. Our R did eventually end almost a year later, but not because of dday. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 No dday on my end as a WS. On his end, he started talking divorce and that triggered some flags. He did a piss poor job hiding anything, he hid nothing, so while his phone was a work phone, he had phone records in his home office, passwords that were known, etc. With how out in the open he was I was shocked it lasted a year before a dday. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 We had no DDay. He simply old her he was leaving, and why, and left. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 My dday was over 20 months ago, mm told his wife in hopes of getting more time with me. She freaked out and told him he could never speak to me again. That was almost 6 years in to the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
save150 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 My WH got careless. He was in full text mode with OW and it filtered up to the iPAD while I was using it. Heh... I had full access to his facebook and emails and then decided to take a further look and WOW WOW WOW. Printed them all off and confronted. By the look on his face I kept the phone in my hand in case I had to dial 911. He really did look like he was suffering from a heart attack. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 My WH got careless. He was in full text mode with OW and it filtered up to the iPAD while I was using it. Heh... I had full access to his facebook and emails and then decided to take a further look and WOW WOW WOW. Printed them all off and confronted. By the look on his face I kept the phone in my hand in case I had to dial 911. He really did look like he was suffering from a heart attack. Yeah the heart attack look is priceless along with the begging and groveling and the "I love you I don't love her" Puuuuleeeeease:sick: Mine was careless too. All I had to do was look through his phone Then he denied that it was physical so I retrieved all the deleted texts...bam...It was physical. Our marriage and whatever kind of relationship he had with the MOW has not been the same since. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 there is a school of psychs and counselors who believe people, when they are in over their heads or the thrill is gone or the AP starts to pressure for more of a relationship, these people subconsciously WANT to get caught. And I believe there is a lot of truth to that. if they lack the courage to discuss what issues they have, or they think the marriage has, well, yep....that's pretty cowardly or at the least, conflict avoidant. So they leave the computer, iPad screen up, or the cell phone laying around or whatever...and the spouse catches them and forces a DDay. Spouse forced into mean mommy or daddy role and AP blames spouse, not MAP. It's the cowards way out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 there is a school of psychs and counselors who believe people, when they are in over their heads or the thrill is gone or the AP starts to pressure for more of a relationship, these people subconsciously WANT to get caught. And I believe there is a lot of truth to that. if they lack the courage to discuss what issues they have, or they think the marriage has, well, yep....that's pretty cowardly or at the least, conflict avoidant. So they leave the computer, iPad screen up, or the cell phone laying around or whatever...and the spouse catches them and forces a DDay. Spouse forced into mean mommy or daddy role and AP blames spouse, not MAP. It's the cowards way out. I totally agree with that. I think if a married person has an affair and gets the other person to end it - they can blame the other person for kicking them out, they can blame the other person for breaking up the marriage, they can blame the other person for making life tough for the kids. Some people are cowards, they will not accept any blame. They want the other person to be the devil. My MM always tries to shift the blame on me....the fact is he told me he was single when we met - whenever I bring that up he conveniently side-steps and takes no responsibility for the difficult position he has put me in! I always get from mine - 'I am here for you as long as you want me' i.e. it will be up to me to end it - so he will be blameless if and when it happens. He can tell everyone I didnt really love him blah blah blah....that i ruined it all by being too demanding.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I have posted this is other threads I am certain. I had two ddays. First one his BS confronted him. She had been reading (unbeknownst to him) our emails for about a year and a half. Most pretty innocuous but one she uncovered (which was in the delete file) was the first one where he told me he had fallen in love with me and couldn't wait until the next time we were together. We met for lunch that say, she followed us, sat in the car and cried with the email she had printed out and then after we left she called him and there was confrontation and he confessed. She did not want anyone to know - not even my husband - so we had this weird triangle for another four months. We tried to remain platonic but it didn't work. There were four more months where they would come to our house regularly, we would all go to dinner together, we went to church together, etc. My husband was suspicious and about four months after the first dday he went to my laptop and found some poetry I had written and confronted me. It was early in the morning and I wasn't quite awake and I confessed. That is when the nuclear bomb went off and pastors became involved and our names were read before the church. When I discovered my husbands affair over a year later, it was by intercepting texts mostly and then I discovered a little trinket he ordered for her birthday. Even after questioning that he made stuff up. Anyway I finally confronted him - of course it was "just friends", then "if just became physical recently" to "9 months ago" and on and on. He denied it until I showed him his spotlight search on his iphone that had still the traces of texts that he thought he had deleted. Yeah, the written word - we humans love it, especially in this day and age, but it is probably one of the most common ways affairs get discovered. As far as wanting to be caught? I do believe that to be true. My xom confessed (even the last day we met to end it) that he was relieved. I believe at that point he thought his BS would throw him out. My husband stated the same thing - relieved - I think he also thought I would walk. I think men have a very difficult time making that decision and would prefer it be made for them. If my xom had been kicked to the curb I think that would have been easier for him and I know, at least early on, my husband wanted me to make that decision after his affair because he would ask me "do you not want to try anymore?". I finally told him to stop asking that question unless he wanted an answer he might not want to get. It's a cowards way out and my xom was a coward and I saw my husband become one - not a pretty picture. Edited July 30, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 We had a dday, my phone number was the main theme of his cell phone bill, he told her it was me, put up a smoke and mirror show about it. The day after business as usual, I asked him if we should "cool off", he said he didnt want that... thats the last I heard from that situation (the phone number thing) until a few months down the road and my # was on a corperate invitation sent to him that she saw and she replied for him from her cellphone, which is how I have her # now... I have no idea how he explains my # being all over his bill still as I dont work with him anymore.... I dont care enough to ask. He knows how to gaslight quite well. That in itself is a talent that can make people move up in life. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 The Germans were getting out of hand... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 His wife asked him if he wanted a divorce since he had started to go to counseling and she really couldn't understand why. He wasn't sharing anything with her about the counseling. He seized the opportunity and told her he had another woman and that he was in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
save150 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Yeah the heart attack look is priceless along with the begging and groveling and the "I love you I don't love her" Puuuuleeeeease:sick: Mine was careless too. All I had to do was look through his phone Then he denied that it was physical so I retrieved all the deleted texts...bam...It was physical. Our marriage and whatever kind of relationship he had with the MOW has not been the same since. OMG. LadyD... Were you and I sucked into some supernova together and transported to the same alternate universe??? Yep. He denied, denied, denied. Pulled out copies of their yahoo chats and facebook messages. BUSTED. Same here - our marriage has not been the same since. Either we reinvent ourselves, or we're done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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