feeling guilty for feeling guilty

[smile]

I posted before about my ex and I talking lately. My biggest trouble isn't what is happening with us at all. Right now I am so hurt that not one person in my life can be happy for what is. I see this for what it is. Two people who were together for three years working through issues and things that got out of hand. We are using this time to be honest about things we never felt we could say. We are slowly feeling comfortable to trust eachother again.

 

Its like some nights really late we talk on the phone and we allow ourselves to be vulnerable .. that hasn't happened in a long time.. even when we were together. But I am so hurt that nobody thinks I can see it for what it is. Everyone in my life just says " I hope you don't fall for it" as if he is some evil person. He hurt me but he was hurt too.

 

He tells me now how sorry he is that he hurt me. But he didn't cheat on me or anything unforgivable. He just broke up with me because he thought things weren't working out. At that time they weren't. He had a bit of a breakdown as did I. And now as we are healing we are learning HOW to be with eachother. Whatever that means.

 

I want someone to feel happy for me. The way we are talking again. The honesty and the trust its so incredible. We will chat for hours online and then crawl into bed and call eachother and talk for an other hour. I feel like that connection we had as best friends is just as strong and special as it ever was. I think for right now the hot and heavy phone conversations we are having are 50% sexual but 25% ice breaking and the other 25% is the way to justify the desire we have to be intimate with eachother.

 

In the back of my mind sure I want him to come and say " I love you I am sorry lets be together" but that is so like "world peace" you know? It seems like a cure all but it just isn't that simple. I am tired of being afraid of him, thats what got us to that scary place we were before we broke up. I want to live and accept everything for what it is.

 

I smile when I talk to him and fall asleep smiling when we have just said goodnight to eachother on the phone. But on nights that doenst happen I dont cry myself to sleep or worry about where he is or what he is doing. What we have is between US right now and thats special enough to make me smile. I just wish it made people I care about smile. I dunno am I wrong to want this? Is it unreasonable? Am I wrong to be happy right now with what IS? I know questioning myself so much is wrong. Acccccckkkkk.

[UnicornGirl]

be happy. you don't have to define your relationship. but if you feel you can't continue with the way things are going at any point, you should make yourself less available to him so that he can see you can live without him.

 

never, ever feel guilty for being happy. it seems the other people are jaded, cynical, or just plain jealous. I am happy for you. you don't need other people's approval in order to enjoy yourself. just have fun, and try to trust. trust is essential to you getting back together so practice making it a reality now.

[head/heels]

god love you girl......i will pray for you.....i am so sorry as i know your pain.....i am hurting too and all i know is dont be fooled by him, i have read on here lots of stories about how these type of things go, and it isnt pretty.

 

in, fact visit my previous 4-6 posts and i believe i explain some of what i have found by reading the posts on this site for the last 3 months....whatever you do dont give your heart up to him so soon and be very very cautious that he just wants you on the back burner and isnt as into you as you are into him! be careful!

[smile]

Thank you both for your wisdom! Unicorn girl I appreciate your being happy for me. That's all I want, someone to trust that I am strong enough to live my life. I want ONE person to not come at me with a jaded and hateful view of the world. I have hurt, I know what it's like. I don't want that anymore. Hurt happens no matter what. So why not have some happiness in there so you don't look back and see the time that was wasted being suspicious.

 

Head over heels I understand where you are comming from. I do. But I also have to say that I am tired of being safe. We broke up because we were both so afraid of opening up all the way. I want him to feel I am a place where he can come to with no judgement. I couldn't be that before. And maybe the only way I can be that is to just be friends. Or maybe we can't JUST be friends. I have no idea.

 

I don't care that I don't know right now. I don't want to look too far into the future. I do that and I wig out. I ruin everything by being afraid of what MIGHT happen. I might get hit by a bus tomorrow but I am still going to go about my day and make plans.. just in case

 

It's hard. So hard. I am still making plans and living my life. I am not putting things on hold because he calls. I am treating him like I treat any friend. He has been sweet and considerate and understanding. I know that UNLESS he says the words "i want to work on us.. let's get back together" all he wants is friendship.

 

We have talked about what we are doing and why we feel we want to be around eachother now. We both seem to be looking at it from an honest point. We see that we feel so safe and close.. and after everything the fact that we can TALK is amazing to me. So open and nonjudgemental..both of us. Neither one of us are sure as to what it means.. but we are just following our hearts.

 

Its like children are so amazing at seeing how important friendship is. One day this person kicks you and steals your cookie and the next day he says he is sorry and you move on. Why dwell? I trust he is unsure of what he feels. I trust he is unsure of how to interact with me. I trust that he is torn between wanting me and not wanting to go back to us being so gaurded and angry. I trust these things and I trust him. Not enough to give him my heart ... but enough to be his friend.

 

I don't know how to explain this anymore.. and I wish I didn't feel like I had to ... but like I said those two points of view are battling in MY head... feedign me doubt and suspicion and I say BAH to those two.... BAH to doubt and BAH to suspicsion.. horray fun times truth and trust