Heartbroken

[psm04]

I know I did the right thing by ending the affair. I wanted both he and I to either work on our marriages, or end them independent of the affair, instead of leaning on each other to either ignore our issues, or to make things easier at home. I know that both of us did that to a degree, even if it was unintentional. We are now 'friends'. We act like buddies (sometimes we try a little too much), and NC is just not possible. I'm not looking to be judged on that. We did the full NC thing, and it didn't work, and it wasn't the right thing in our situations. I don't want him out of my life, and he doesn't want me out of his. I just want us to not be in two relationships, one with each other, and one with our spouses. So we are co-workers/friends, and keeping our feelings and love towards each other in our minds instead of acting on them.

 

Yes, it was the right thing to do. But I'm sitting here, listening to love songs, bawling my eyes out. My H left the house, so I'm getting a chance to do that. I'm heartbroken. I was heartbroken when I was actively involved in the A, and I'm heartbroken after it has ended. It is truly a no-win situation. I don't want to be in a romantic capacity with him unless we are both single. But I'm truly grieving the loss of a relationship. I know that he isn't happy either. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to focus back on my marriage, and figure out how to fall back in love with my H again, but this just consumes me. I hope that it gets better, and that this time, I truly have the strength to stay strong and not get back into the affair.

[Sarabi]

Oh my

I'm so sorry. Cry as much as you need to...honestly your situation sounds tough. You are brave, I can't imagine having the grace to just stand by and be friends with MM knowing I have deeper feelings you are very kind and gracious

Big hugs from me to you (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

I hope everything will feel better for you one day soon x

[psm04]

Thanks :-) I hope so too. I don't know if it's being brave, or being crazy. Taking it one day at a time.

[Cocochai]

What is it that your H isn't fulling in your M? The A happened for a reason from something that you and the H need to work on.

 

 

Is it possible or are you pretty much settling in the M?

 

Hang tight! At least you and the AP have come to an agreement to end the A and still stay in each others life to do the right thing... The NC is very hard to hold so I understand.

[RickFox]

I'm sorry but you will never fall back in love with your husband as long as you keep the OM in your life. NC didn't work because both of you didn't want it to. Read what you wrote....I it's all about you you you. I've been there done that. You two aren't friends, you can't be, you are both fooling yourselves and will be right back at it sooner or later. You need both men out of your life to gain some clarity and find out what truly matters to you.

[Lady2163]

I know I did the right thing by ending the affair. I wanted both he and I to either work on our marriages, or end them independent of the affair, instead of leaning on each other to either ignore our issues, or to make things easier at home. I know that both of us did that to a degree, even if it was unintentional. We are now 'friends'. We act like buddies (sometimes we try a little too much), and NC is just not possible. I'm not looking to be judged on that. We did the full NC thing, and it didn't work, and it wasn't the right thing in our situations. I don't want him out of my life, and he doesn't want me out of his. I just want us to not be in two relationships, one with each other, and one with our spouses. So we are co-workers/friends, and keeping our feelings and love towards each other in our minds instead of acting on them.

 

Yes, it was the right thing to do. But I'm sitting here, listening to love songs, bawling my eyes out. My H left the house, so I'm getting a chance to do that. I'm heartbroken. I was heartbroken when I was actively involved in the A, and I'm heartbroken after it has ended. It is truly a no-win situation. I don't want to be in a romantic capacity with him unless we are both single. But I'm truly grieving the loss of a relationship. I know that he isn't happy either. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to focus back on my marriage, and figure out how to fall back in love with my H again, but this just consumes me. I hope that it gets better, and that this time, I truly have the strength to stay strong and not get back into the affair.

 

Oh, I hated reading that. I feel badly for you and wish there was something I could say. I think from what I am reading, you are doing the best thing you can for yourself by ending the affair.

[BrokenPrincess]

I'm sorry...I totally know those sobbing moments when you can finally let it out in private.

 

The thing is, you won't reconnect with your H as long as you are "friends" with your xMM. I wish sooooo much that I could still call my xMM & just talk, catch up, get his advice on some things, but I can't because it would just send me back in the crazy spiral.

 

Now that we've been NC a couple months, I am really getting reconnected to my H. Slowly but surely, my H has moved back into my primary focus. There are some moments that I still trigger & need to cry & grieve the loss of that relationship. But lots of time also that I think of my A wondering what the hell I was thinking, or even just indifference. The point is, your H will never get back in your primary focus because your head is still busy managing and processing your friendship with your MM while balancing your true desire to be more than friends. You need to go NC or decide to end your M. Sooner or later, one has to give.

[psm04]

What is it that your H isn't fulling in your M? The A happened for a reason from something that you and the H need to work on.

 

Is it possible or are you pretty much settling in the M?

 

When my A started over two years ago, my M was in worse shape than it is now. Things have gotten much better, and I want them to continue to be better, hence stopping the affair. Yes, I have settled in my M, but I think pretty much everyone does. The main issue in our M right now is the physical intimacy. I am working on my part of the problem there. We have some other issues as well, like with communication, but we have both been working on it and making progress.

[psm04]

I'm sorry but you will never fall back in love with your husband as long as you keep the OM in your life. NC didn't work because both of you didn't want it to. Read what you wrote....I it's all about you you you. I've been there done that. You two aren't friends, you can't be, you are both fooling yourselves and will be right back at it sooner or later. You need both men out of your life to gain some clarity and find out what truly matters to you.

 

Hi Rick, thank you for your honesty. I am not going to dispute what you are saying, since the pattern you are describing has happened before in my situation. And yeah, I guess me and the OMM can't be just friends due to the feelings, but when he was out of my life completely, I still didn't get any clarity. It was miserable. All I can do now is to take it one day at a time. Maybe if I feel that I cannot handle this, or that I'll fall into temptation again, at that point, I wouldn't have any choice but to end everything. That hasn't happened yet, so I'm hopeful.

 

I can already feel like I'm back to my old self a little again. The 'fog' has disappeared a little, and I'm more present in my M. So far, so good.

[psm04]

Now that we've been NC a couple months, I am really getting reconnected to my H. Slowly but surely, my H has moved back into my primary focus. There are some moments that I still trigger & need to cry & grieve the loss of that relationship. But lots of time also that I think of my A wondering what the hell I was thinking, or even just indifference. The point is, your H will never get back in your primary focus because your head is still busy managing and processing your friendship with your MM while balancing your true desire to be more than friends. You need to go NC or decide to end your M. Sooner or later, one has to give.

 

When your A ended, did all contact stop immediately, or did you try being friends?

 

It just sucks that a good thing has to end because he and I decided to get stupid with it. If we hadn't declared our feelings for each other or acted on them, we'd still be talking all the time while secretly in love with each other.

 

At this point, I'm not strong enough to end my M or go NC completely. I don't even want to end my M. I want to work on it. I want to see whether I can work on it while keeping in touch with him. If not, then I guess I'll have to do what's best for me and my M at that point.

[whereamigoing]

I am of the unpopular opinion that NC is not always the only way to end an A, or even the best way. In some cases it's just not practical. Quitting your job and/or moving is not the best way to build stability in your life and relationship with your BS. The argument that you can't work on your marriage if you are still in contact with your AP is a good one but may not hold true for you. In my case we had a long time of NC but eventually became LC. He spent more time wondering about me and how I was doing when we were in NC because at the root if the A was a very close friendship. He is getting a divorce now but not because of our contact (I'm sure some of you will disagree and go ahead). We have not restarted the PA or even EA, we don't even talk about it. It is possible but I do think the initial NC was necessary for us to get to where we are today. That doesn't sound possible for you but you can still make a friendship work, in my opinion. BS feelings on the subject are likely to disagree and rightfully so. Also, I said it was possible, not easy.

[whereamigoing]

Also I will point out you fell in love (or something like it) with your AP while involved with your H. I see no reason why it can't be the opposite.

[psm04]

I am of the unpopular opinion that NC is not always the only way to end an A, or even the best way. In some cases it's just not practical. Quitting your job and/or moving is not the best way to build stability in your life and relationship with your BS. The argument that you can't work on your marriage if you are still in contact with your AP is a good one but may not hold true for you. In my case we had a long time of NC but eventually became LC. He spent more time wondering about me and how I was doing when we were in NC because at the root if the A was a very close friendship. He is getting a divorce now but not because of our contact (I'm sure some of you will disagree and go ahead). We have not restarted the PA or even EA, we don't even talk about it. It is possible but I do think the initial NC was necessary for us to get to where we are today. That doesn't sound possible for you but you can still make a friendship work, in my opinion. BS feelings on the subject are likely to disagree and rightfully so. Also, I said it was possible, not easy.

 

Thank you, yes, I'm giving it a chance. Like I mentioned before, if I feel like he doesn't respect my wishes to just stay friends, or I myself have a hard time with it, then I will consider stopping everything. But right now, I'm happy with the way things are. I'm actually happier than I was when the A was actively going on.

[ladydesigner]

There is no way I could have reconnected with my spouse had I still kept in LC with my XAP. If there are still feelings there then it is still an A, it's called an EA=emotional affair.

 

When my WH kept in contact with MOW our M was turbulent, I could feel the distance and lack of intimacy. I could tell my WH was not "there with me." Now that he has been NC with MOW for 9 months I can tell he wants to be back with me and our family. We are reconnecting in ways we haven't in years. I'm not sure it is possible to have the intimacy if one is still pinning for another.