Anyone else feel that him wanting kids with you is insulting?

[EmmaB]

Right to clarify, I dislike children, always have... They irritate and disgust me.

 

My partner, who I love with my whole soul, has admitted that he would one day (within the next 5 years) want a family... Really sucks, no point ending a happy relationship until that day comes though, he knows my stance on this issue... Have been honest with him about this from the get-go.

 

I feel like he completes me, I don't need anything else, I have my friends, my cats, my amazing partner... Life really is fantastic atm.

 

I think, that if he felt even half as much about me as I do about him, then he would never want children with me, as I would be all he needs... Like he is to me.

 

To me, wanting to add to what we have, is an insult... As he obviously wants more than what I can give him by myself (fair enough) and doesn't feel like I complete him and make him totally happy...

 

The day that he ever loved someone more than me, like he probably would if he had a child is the day, my world would be ripped apart... As I could never love someone more than I love him and it hurts that he would both want to love someone more than he does me, and that he wouldn't mind potentially coming second to me if I decided to put the kid first...

 

Does anyone else feel like this? :S

[Balzac]

You mean feeling insulted while engaging in an intimate LTR with an exploding offer clause?

 

It goes w/o saying that you've had surgery to guarantee you won't get pregnant.

He's maybe playing the odds of statistical opportunity and convincing you to bear the child?

[EmmaB]

You mean feeling insulted while engaging in an intimate LTR with an exploding offer clause?

 

It goes w/o saying that you've had surgery to guarantee you won't get pregnant.

He's maybe playing the odds of statistical opportunity and convincing you to bear the child?

 

I have tried for years to have a unreversable hysterectomy... Apparently because I don't have children, they are very hesitant to do it...

 

I will obviously keep trying to get one, but I have a coil inserted, which is 5 years of safety, if an accident did occur, I have no issue in getting the problem sorted.

 

He's not convincing me to do anything, yet... I'm just asking if anyone else feels the same way

[HokeyReligions]

No.I don't feel that way. That you do is fine. You know what you want and what you don't. I think you are being extremely selfish by saying there is no need to end the relationship now though. Give him the chance to find someone who is a better match. That will also give you the chance to find someone better suited to you.

 

Otherwise you are just using him for your own wants and that is not love.

 

This is why mature adults in relationships discuss important things like children at certain points in the relationship. So they know when to proceed and when to end it without wasting a lot of years and increasing the hurt of breaking up.

[EmmaB]

No.I don't feel that way. That you do is fine. You know what you want and what you don't. I think you are being extremely selfish by saying there is no need to end the relationship now though. Give him the chance to find someone who is a better match. That will also give you the chance to find someone better suited to you.

 

Otherwise you are just using him for your own wants and that is not love.

 

This is why mature adults in relationships discuss important things like children at certain points in the relationship. So they know when to proceed and when to end it without wasting a lot of years and increasing the hurt of breaking up.

 

We have already discussed it, he knows I won't budge and I know he won't... We are happy and neither of us want out of the relationship. I did suggest that very thing a few months ago, saying that we were wasting each others time... But we decided to stay together...

 

It's not just me hanging on to him, we already know we have a crossroads ahead, and that the probability is that we will head up different roads. But that is the decision we made together.

 

We may drift apart, or fall out of love and end up splitting some time before that day anyways, or he may be infertile and unable to have kids... Then we will have thrown away a brilliant relationship for an uncertain future.

[Balzac]

He can test his fertility easily and cheaply. You don't care and there's never a guarantee on fertility. As you become more aggressive in managing your reproductive rights, you'll have a surgical procedure.

[EmmaB]

He can test his fertility easily and cheaply. You don't care and there's never a guarantee on fertility. As you become more aggressive in managing your reproductive rights, you'll have a surgical procedure.

 

Definitely, I would love to have surgery, he already knows this. I don't see an end to our relationship coming up, and it hopefully won't for a few more years, I love him and want to be with him forever, but not at the expense of my body, my sanity and my identity...

 

And he seems to be enjoying our relationship enough for him to look over our differences of opinion too... Which I am glad for.

[thefooloftheyear]

Right to clarify, I dislike children, always have... They irritate and disgust me.

 

My partner, who I love with my whole soul, has admitted that he would one day (within the next 5 years) want a family... Really sucks, no point ending a happy relationship until that day comes though, he knows my stance on this issue... Have been honest with him about this from the get-go.

 

I feel like he completes me, I don't need anything else, I have my friends, my cats, my amazing partner... Life really is fantastic atm.

 

I think, that if he felt even half as much about me as I do about him, then he would never want children with me, as I would be all he needs... Like he is to me.

 

To me, wanting to add to what we have, is an insult... As he obviously wants more than what I can give him by myself (fair enough) and doesn't feel like I complete him and make him totally happy...

 

The day that he ever loved someone more than me, like he probably would if he had a child is the day, my world would be ripped apart... As I could never love someone more than I love him and it hurts that he would both want to love someone more than he does me, and that he wouldn't mind potentially coming second to me if I decided to put the kid first...

 

Does anyone else feel like this? :S

 

 

Really?

 

 

Frankly I am shocked that any man would even talk to any woman with that type of attitude, whether he wanted kids or not..Huge red flag as far as I am concerned...I mean you can say you dont want kids, but how can a child irritate and disgust any human being?

 

Bizarre.

 

TFY

[EmmaB]

Really?

 

 

Frankly I am shocked that any man would even talk to any woman with that type of attitude, whether he wanted kids or not..Huge red flag as far as I am concerned...I mean you can say you dont want kids, but how can a child irritate and disgust any human being?

 

Bizarre.

 

TFY

 

Some people hate cats, which mind-boggles me... But I just accept that different people like/hate different things. I fail to see the difference.

[therhythm]

Really?

 

 

Frankly I am shocked that any man would even talk to any woman with that type of attitude, whether he wanted kids or not..Huge red flag as far as I am concerned...I mean you can say you dont want kids, but how can a child irritate and disgust any human being?

 

Bizarre.

 

TFY

 

Different people different tastes... as long as she is upfront with this preferences I don't have anything to say... For me this would be a deal breaker because I want to have a family but I do respect people who don't ...

[EmmaB]

Different people different tastes... as long as she is upfront with this preferences I don't have anything to say... For me this would be a deal breaker because I want to have a family but I do respect people who don't ...

 

Thanks... I can't understand why people want children but its just one of those things... I won't judge them for wanting them... It just confuses me tbh lol just as I am sure my opinion confuses them, swings and roundabouts and all that jazz, I guess XD

[HokeyReligions]

Really?

 

 

Frankly I am shocked that any man would even talk to any woman with that type of attitude, whether he wanted kids or not..Huge red flag as far as I am concerned...I mean you can say you dont want kids, but how can a child irritate and disgust any human being?

 

Bizarre.

 

TFY

 

I don't like children. They irritate me too and sometimes I find them disgusting. I felt this way before I had my kids too. Dont get me wrong tho. I loved and wanted my kids more than I ever thought humanly possible and they always came first. I remember feeling "pre-jealous" before the first one becausr I knew I would put the child first but I wasn't sure how I would feel coming in third to my husband.

 

I didn't want to throw that old platitude "you'll feel different when its your own kid" because I hated that and its not necessarily true.

 

Don't get me wrong. I would give anything to have my kids. They are gone from earth but not from my mind heart or soul. They always will be with me and I still grieve for them. I also still don't like kids though I so wanted to be a grandma.

 

I wonder if OP's guy isn't staying in the relationship because he thinks she will change her mind and her heart someday.

 

Based on the posts it still doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

[EmmaB]

I don't like children. They irritate me too and sometimes I find them disgusting. I felt this way before I had my kids too. Dont get me wrong tho. I loved and wanted my kids more than I ever thought humanly possible and they always came first. I remember feeling "pre-jealous" before the first one becausr I knew I would put the child first but I wasn't sure how I would feel coming in third to my husband.

 

I didn't want to throw that old platitude "you'll feel different when its your own kid" because I hated that and its not necessarily true.

 

Don't get me wrong. I would give anything to have my kids. They are gone from earth but not from my mind heart or soul. They always will be with me and I still grieve for them. I also still don't like kids though I so wanted to be a grandma.

 

I wonder if OP's guy isn't staying in the relationship because he thinks she will change her mind and her heart someday.

 

Based on the posts it still doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

 

I have noticed that everyone tries the "you will change your mind" speech... But so many of my friends have children now, and every minute I spend with them... Is a minute where I realise that I have been right all along in not wanting to be a parent.

 

I don't care, if he wants to adopt, as long as its over 4 years old and I don't have to do anything with it, then I am perfectly happy with that but I don't see that as being an option...

 

I have made it absolutely clear to him that I have felt this way since I was young, my mind will never change. If he is staying with me hoping I will change then I am flattered, as it means he is willing to take a risk at wasting years of his life for me.

 

At the end of the day, every couple have issues, differences of opinion, problems in their relationship, and those eventually either get overcome or break the couple apart. We are very laid-back and very much in love, it would kill us both to separate for something that is not yet an issue.

[miss_jaclynrae]

No, I definitely do not see it that way.

 

 

 

I don't find it insulting in the slightest. He has confessed he wants to do something that would take a piece of each of you. You don't have to want to do it, but the fact that he even thinks of you that way is something you should cherish and not get upset about.

[thefooloftheyear]

Some people hate cats, which mind-boggles me... But I just accept that different people like/hate different things. I fail to see the difference.

 

So you like cats, but kids irritate and disgust you...

 

Ill stop now..

 

Enjoy your search..I see a lonely cat lady in your future

 

I do wish you well..

 

TFY

[aussietigerwolf]

...you have more issues than just not wanting children if your true problem is jealousy over them becoming important to your so.

 

 

Sorry I don't see it your way at all. I can't wrap my mind around your thought process and it seems to me as though you are so self absorbed you simply can't handle you not being enough for someone's life, and the possibility of someone loving anyone else even if its a different love than what you have together.

 

agree with this, I have no problem with someone not wanting kids or even liking them. but... this seems to be different to that as the quoted post suggests.

[HokeyReligions]

I have noticed that everyone tries the "you will change your mind" speech... But so many of my friends have children now, and every minute I spend with them... Is a minute where I realise that I have been right all along in not wanting to be a parent.

 

I don't care, if he wants to adopt, as long as its over 4 years old and I don't have to do anything with it, then I am perfectly happy with that but I don't see that as being an option...

 

I have made it absolutely clear to him that I have felt this way since I was young, my mind will never change. If he is staying with me hoping I will change then I am flattered, as it means he is willing to take a risk at wasting years of his life for me.

 

At the end of the day, every couple have issues, differences of opinion, problems in their relationship, and those eventually either get overcome or break the couple apart. We are very laid-back and very much in love, it would kill us both to separate for something that is not yet an issue.

 

I cannot take your posts seriously as I now believe you are bored and trying to bait people. If true then you deserve what you will ultimately get from life.

 

 

Maybe when you do bottom out you will get the help you need.

[SpiralOut]

Sounds to me like the OPs boyfriend doesn't have the balls to go after what he wants. He puts her into the difficult situation of ending things since he won't do it for himself. That sucks. However, I agree that she should let him go. When you love someone, you don't want them to waste years of their life on you. You want them to be happy even if that means you aren't part of the picture.

[Phoe]

how can a child irritate and disgust any human being?

 

o.O

 

 

children can easily be irritating.

 

 

just yesterday i was out to brunch with my mom and there was a child nearby squealing and screaming the most high pitched scream i'd ever heard. pitching a fit about the food he had to eat.

 

 

yep. easy example of a child that was irritating.

 

 

I don't hate children though.

[thefooloftheyear]

o.O

 

 

children can easily be irritating.

 

 

just yesterday i was out to brunch with my mom and there was a child nearby squealing and screaming the most high pitched scream i'd ever heard. pitching a fit about the food he had to eat.

 

 

yep. easy example of a child that was irritating.

 

 

I don't hate children though.

 

Thats more the parents fault:rolleyes:

 

And if she said only irritating that would be one thing.. My mom is irritating at times, but I dont hate my mother or find her "disgusting"..

 

I doubt you find kids disgusting..

 

TFY

[miss_jaclynrae]

Oh thy can be disgusting too.. diapers, loose stool, vomiting, spitting up, boogers, drooling, bug eating..etc etc etc

 

But..then again cats leave hair everywhere, lick their privates, have a litter box you have to scoop and clean and don't forget the vomiting and hair balls...many people get infections from cat scratches..

 

I think if someone is going to go for kids are disgusting route, they will have to go with everything is disgusting route.

 

 

I was going to say... kids are just little humans.

If you think kids are disgusting, then how you manage in this world must be difficult! At least children have an excuse!

[thefooloftheyear]

Oh thy can be disgusting too.. diapers, loose stool, vomiting, spitting up, boogers, drooling, bug eating..etc etc etc

 

But..then again cats leave hair everywhere, lick their privates, have a litter box you have to scoop and clean and don't forget the vomiting and hair balls...many people get infections from cat scratches..

 

I think if someone is going to go for kids are disgusting route, they will have to go with everything is disgusting route.

 

Not my little angel...she was potty trained at 3 weeks..:laugh:

 

I get it...The OP is like the bitter little old lady that called the cops on you when you were a little kid because you made too much noise playing football in the street with the other kids, or you happened to ride your bike 3 inches on her property...

 

TFY

Edited July 29, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Million.to.1]

 

I think, that if he felt even half as much about me as I do about him, then he would never want children with me, as I would be all he needs... Like he is to me.

 

To me, wanting to add to what we have, is an insult... As he obviously wants more than what I can give him by myself (fair enough) and doesn't feel like I complete him and make him totally happy...

 

The day that he ever loved someone more than me, like he probably would if he had a child is the day, my world would be ripped apart... As I could never love someone more than I love him and it hurts that he would both want to love someone more than he does me, and that he wouldn't mind potentially coming second to me if I decided to put the kid first...

 

 

What the hell is wrong with you?

 

You do realize that love does not "run out" if you spread it around. You can love more than one person without having to put anyone second. How can you compare the love for a partner with the love for a child anyway? They are not mutually exclusive.

 

Love is not attention. Your BF's desire for children is not a reflection on not getting enough "love" from you. Wanting a family is a genuine human desire and the fact that you are taking it as an insult only proves how messed up your idea of love is and how self absorbed you are.

[Mint Sauce]

not having/wanting kids is becoming fairly main stream nowadays, so from a distance there's no apparent problem with your position.

 

however, the idea of children intervening with the exclusivity of your relationship with your SO is rather new to me. How do you feel about his relationship with his parents?

 

Anyways, the "waiting together for the moment we'll separate over this" is a strange dynamic to me. It sounds like joint depression. In any case, this reeks of co-dependency: he "insults" you massively by wanting children, yet you stay with him. Your relationship is a dead end for him, yet he stays with you.

 

Again, I can respect people's decision to not have kids, but the dynamic in your particular case does not sound healthy...

Edited July 29, 2013 by Mint Sauce
Removed harsh/cynical formulation

[Got it]

For me, the biggest issue in reading your post is this belief that you need someone to complete you - that you are incomplete without someone. So this incompleteness is now threatened by the potential arrival of another individual.

 

You understand the idea of needing completion is a very unhealthy one? That your boyfriend is going to love many people in his life, parents, siblings, friends, family, hobbies, etc. that are not a threat to his love of you and vice versa.

 

I am fine if you don't want kids though I am surprised that he even discusses it with your very adamant viewpoint. It may be a crossroads for you two as he may really feel the need to have a child and this just doesn't mesh up for you to. A square peg round hole situation.

 

But I would really work on this idea of completion and your resulting vulnerability tied to it.