Dating a sociopath?

[edgygirl]

Hell, my friend was terminally ill and literally had nothing.. The only thing that I'd lost was him, and it drove me to tears. That was several years ago.. The only loss I'd had to deal with since then, really.

 

Thinking about it now, it's funny that I actually thought I could be a sociopath, I don't believe that I fit the description in any way. My problem is more like an emotional numbness along the lines of PTSD that I may not even have, rather than some sort of cold hearted parasitic manipulative way of living.

 

I guess I could just nowadays be a very stoic person.. I'm sure I'm not the only guy who doesn't really cry for much.. I used to cry a lot as a child, maybe I've just become less excitable as time has passed..

 

I think we all have a few traits we can identify with that may seem like all kinds of personalities disorders, but it's only when a lot of the traits are combined and present that someone can be diagnosed. People are saying here I am naive and that my guy was just a jerk, but in his case he has like 18 traits and behaviors that match, lol. I think some people are just less emotional than others, it doesn't mean you have something. Think with yourself: when you do something you know is wrong (socially, or to someone as in hurting that person), do you feel guilt after? My understanding is that only if you don't feel any guilt whatsoever you can be diagnosed as being a sociopath. Also you seem super self-aware, this is not common with them.

[ScreamingTrees]

Also you seem super self-aware, this is not common with them.

 

Yes. Most would agree with you.. And neurotic. Not a good mix.

[T3h L337 d00d]

I don't go around diagnosing people I date with psychological problems.

[edgygirl]

I don't go around diagnosing people I date with psychological problems.

 

Me neither. Not in all of my 40 years. Until you date someone who really has them and it's life changing.

 

Believe me, I don't use the word sociopath lightly. I never "diagnosed" anyone I dated before.

 

Well except for a narcissist 5 years ago But he's still a good friend of mine and he never did anything wrong to me.

[surferchic]

I've often wondered... Do sociopaths,psychopaths,etc actually realize that they are afflicted?

 

I've read a few articles that say that sociopaths often move extremely FAST in relationships to try and bait you before yo have time to think straight, question them, get confused, etc.

[SmileFace]

This is a joke right?

You knowingly got attached to someone who seemed unstable.

What diagnostic do you have for yourself for staying with this person after his early on bizarre behavior?

You as a grown women, got pregnant for him.

... And you are now claiming abuse?

[edgygirl]

But if he is a narcissist he would do all the talking and you wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise. How could you take enjoyment in talking about your profession if you are only his audience assuming he is a true narcissist?

 

Yes he did have narcissistic traits. When he kept rambling how awesome and perfect he was, I would go "yes, yes" and let him think he was. It didn't bother me and I found it funny and amusing. The same as many politicians out there. They are narcissits but have interesting minds. Do people stop talking with them? No.

 

Keep trying to discredit my perception, my intelligence and my opinion. I know people tried to diagnose you and you are offended by it. Apparently the way for you to get back at what happened to you is by discrediting others.

 

I am SO not interested in talking about him, I came here to talk about the aftermath and you guys are going off topic and trying to discredit my feelings. Way to go, such nice people!

[edgygirl]

Hey Edgy...yes, I've dated a couple of disordered men.

 

Won't go into both scenarios, but the last one was about 6 years ago. I really believe he was Borderline Personality Disordered.

 

We were together for about 1.5 years and during that time, he broke up with me - and proposed on bended knee - about 14 times. I've never met anyone like this. On Monday afternoon he'd be telling me I was truly God's gift sent to him from the heavens above and the best thing that ever came into his life. A few days or weeks later, he'd suddenly shut off all contact and if I'd reach out to him due to the silence, the cold and downright hostile reply I'd get from him would shock the hell out of me.

 

The first few times it happened, I'd go crazy trying to figure out what I'd done or said to cause this 180 degree complete about-face. We'd then get back together, he'd profess his undying love to me with tears in his eyes, and 2 or 3 weeks later the cycle would repeat itself.

 

I knew there was something wrong with this guy and after doing some reading up on it, I really came to believe he was BPD - his behavior was so classic with the cycles of "I hate you!....Don't leave me!" pushing me away and then desperately trying to pull me back in.

 

Near the end, I found myself rolling my eyes when another cycle would start - that's how predictable it had become. I don't miss the crazy at ALL.

 

Sorry you had to go through this, Miss Priss. That's reminds me the cycle of emotional abuse I went through, although he never broke up with me.

 

People who haven't dealt with this kind of thing won't understand. It takes some time to uncover someone who is disordered.

 

Thank you for keeping the discussion on topic and civilized. Apparently only people who went through it can relate.

[Imajerk17]

Well the big question as I see it is what you are going to do with the baby. Meanwhile your dating life is over, no man is going to want to date a woman pregnant w another man's child. It does seem you're bringing the child into the world under less than ideal circumstances but it is what it is. Hopefully you'll think your decisions through going forward better than you did last time. Good luck to you.

[edgygirl]

Well the big question as I see it is what you are going to do with the baby. Meanwhile your dating life is over, no man is going to want to date a woman pregnant w another mab's child. It does seem you're bringing the child into the world under less than ideal circumstances but it is what it is. Hopefully you'll think your decisions through this time better than you did last time. Good luck to you.

 

Ha. There's no baby anymore, didn't you read the posts? Do you think I'm crazy to have a baby by someone like this?

[edgygirl]

Originally Posted by SmileFace This is a joke right?

You knowingly got attached to someone who seemed unstable.

What diagnostic do you have for yourself for staying with this person after his early on bizarre behavior?

You as a grown women, got pregnant for him.

... And you are now claiming abuse?

 

It is like looking into IB's future.

 

Both of you - feel free to judge. I didn't "get attached" - I was dating someone to see if he could be a match. The only point that seemed unstable was that he was too fast. I've had people being too fast before, and they were indeed in love with me.

 

Yes I am claiming abuse because of his behavior and as I said I don't feel obliged to explain it here. Can you respect my choice or is it too hard?

 

WHY instead of commenting on what I asked you guys feel the need to crucify me? Are you really that mean? Are you getting some pleasure out of it? Bites me.

 

Please don't compare me to IB, that's pathetic.

[edgygirl]

But if he is a narcissist he would do all the talking and you wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise. How could you take enjoyment in talking about your profession if you are only his audience assuming he is a true narcissist?

 

Wow you were really hurt by your family right?

 

How could I? Because narcissists can have an interesting mind darling.

 

Keep discrediting me and my perception... if it makes you feel better about your issues

[edgygirl]

He lied so he deserved to be cut and you view him as an axe murderer but you are the one trying to justify physical assault against him. Okay.....

 

Whaaat???

 

I view him as an axe murderer? Uh? Why are you putting words in my mouth exacty?

 

I am trying to justify assault against him? LOL. I said I understand why his ex would get mad at him. Why are you distorting everything I said? Trying to discredit me much? Again? Sigh.

[edgygirl]

I've often wondered... Do sociopaths,psychopaths,etc actually realize that they are afflicted?

 

I've read a few articles that say that sociopaths often move extremely FAST in relationships to try and bait you before yo have time to think straight, question them, get confused, etc.

 

From what I read they know they are different but they can't relate to what normal people feel, so there's not much use in their realization.

 

That's EXACTLY what happened to me. I feel he moved fast to bait me!!! And that's why he also tried to get me prego super fast. Thankfully I realized it and was able to move before it got worse.

[xxoo]

From what I read they know they are different but they can't relate to what normal people feel, so there's not much use in their realization.

 

That's EXACTLY what happened to me. I feel he moved fast to bait me!!! And that's why he also tried to get me prego super fast. Thankfully I realized it and was able to move before it got worse.

 

What jumps out to me is, most 40 year old women would run a mile if some guy tried to knock her up in the first 2 months. I mean, I'd rather get a sperm donor than get knocked up by some guy I just met! I've lived, and seen, and know that is a BAD idea.

 

What made you vulnerable to this love bombing? What made that sound romantic to you, rather than crazy?

[Robert Z]

So... has anyone here ever dated a sociopath or a psychopath? What was your experience like? How did you recover and came to trust people again?

 

Sometimes I think I might have been married to one.

 

I have had a number of customers who were likely sociopaths. You tend to find them in positions of power.

 

A very scary bunch of folks!!! They will stab you in the heart with a smile on their face.

[edgygirl]

What jumps out to me is, most 40 year old women would run a mile if some guy tried to knock her up in the first 2 months. I mean, I'd rather get a sperm donor than get knocked up by some guy I just met! I've lived, and seen, and know that is a BAD idea.

 

What made you vulnerable to this love bombing? What made that sound romantic to you, rather than crazy?

 

Alright I do understand it does sound crazy.

 

Let me explain why it didn't sound that crazy at the time. We (seemed to have) matched incredibly. We have the exact same ethnicity, the same background, we are both into the exact same subculture (goth music and events) and we are both into kink. Honestly he is probably only the second guy who I've met with these characteristics (the first one, I got married to). He played on this very well, saying he never met someone like this, and I identified with it as it is indeed really hard to meet someone like that. That's probably why I went ahead and tried to make things work. Makes sense?

[Emilia]

Alright I do understand it does sound crazy.

 

Let me explain why it didn't sound that crazy at the time. We (seemed to have) matched incredibly. We have the exact same ethnicity, the same background, we are both into the exact same subculture (goth music and events) and we are both into kink. Honestly he is probably only the second guy who I've met with these characteristics (the first one, I got married to). He played on this very well, saying he never met someone like this, and I identified with it as it is indeed really hard to meet someone like that. That's probably why I went ahead and tried to make things work. Makes sense?

So you based having kids with someone who is into the same music and same kink as you? Not on whether he is emotionally stable, has a good providing career (if you don't have one of your own), has strong morals, treats children and animals well, etc.?

[edgygirl]

Sometimes I think I might have been married to one.

 

I have had a number of customers who were likely sociopaths. You tend to find them in positions of power.

 

A very scary bunch of folks!!! They will stab you in the heart with a smile on their face.

 

That's exactly how I felt. That I was being stabbed, with a smile.

 

And yes they are usually in positions of power, are extremely confident and loud. But usually one day the mask falls.

[edgygirl]

So you based having kids with someone who is into the same music and same kink as you? Not on whether he is emotionally stable, has a good providing career (if you don't have one of your own), has strong morals, treats children and animals well, etc.?

 

No. I obviously watch for these traits. (again... trying to discredit my intelligence...) And he initially pretended very well to be emotionally stable and to be a good person with morals. That's what sociopaths do. And believe me, he pretended well. He justified his rush in a very clever way that made sense. It is when I realized he wasn't stable or a good person that I ran.

 

I do have a great fancy career. I usually make what guys who provide for a family of 5 have to make to have a decent life. My company closed the satellite office in my city and as I had money to survive for a while, I didn't look for work as I also had a side project. Exactly at the time I met him I was going to look for work and he was trying to convince me not to, and to start a family etc.

[Emilia]

No. I obviously watch for these traits. (again... trying to discredit my intelligence...) And he initially pretended very well to be emotionally stable and to be a good person with morals. That's what sociopaths do. And believe me, he pretended well. He justified his rush in a very clever way that made sense. It is when I realized he wasn't stable or a good person that I ran.

I'm not discrediting you, here is your post I based my post on:

 

"Let me explain why it didn't sound that crazy at the time. We (seemed to have) matched incredibly. We have the exact same ethnicity, the same background, we are both into the exact same subculture (goth music and events) and we are both into kink. Honestly he is probably only the second guy who I've met with these characteristics (the first one, I got married to). He played on this very well, saying he never met someone like this, and I identified with it as it is indeed really hard to meet someone like that. That's probably why I went ahead and tried to make things work. Makes sense? "

I do have a great fancy career. I usually make what guys who provide for a family of 5 have to make to have a decent life. My company closed the satellite office in my city and as I had money to survive for a while, I didn't look for work as I also had a side project. Exactly at the time I met him I was going to look for work and he was trying to convince me not to, and to start a family etc.

In this post you are giving him a lot of power over you: he manipulated you well, he convinced you not to look for a job, he convinced you to start a family.

 

Would you say you are an impulsive person in general? Do you do a lot of stuff on spur of the moment? Do you get into trouble over impulsiveness?

[edgygirl]

I'm not discrediting you, here is your post I based my post on:

 

"Let me explain why it didn't sound that crazy at the time. We (seemed to have) matched incredibly. We have the exact same ethnicity, the same background, we are both into the exact same subculture (goth music and events) and we are both into kink. Honestly he is probably only the second guy who I've met with these characteristics (the first one, I got married to). He played on this very well, saying he never met someone like this, and I identified with it as it is indeed really hard to meet someone like that. That's probably why I went ahead and tried to make things work. Makes sense? "

 

In this post you are giving him a lot of power over you: he manipulated you well, he convinced you not to look for a job, he convinced you to start a family.

 

Would you say you are an impulsive person in general? Do you do a lot of stuff on spur of the moment? Do you get into trouble over impulsiveness?

 

 

I don't see why the things in bold wouldn't be a good base to strongly consider having a relationship with someone, obviously in addition to the things you said. They were and still are important things to me.

 

Yes one way to look at it is I gave him power, but I saw myself in a relationship with someone and at the time I saw it as us discussing how we could make it work. As he was the one rushing, and I was the one trying to slow things down, yes - he was the one who was trying to convince me all along to build a life together and what we had to do to make this work.

 

I know you don't believe he was a sociopath, but the main thing they build on is having power over someone. I obviously didn't know this at the time.

 

Yes I am still kind of impulsive, but much, much less than I was in the past, as I've learned from the consequences of my mistakes and matured in the last 5 years. Do you see it as something that made me get into this mess? I did A LOT of thinking while dating this guy and I don't really believe what happened was due to impulsiveness. More out of fear to lose a chance to be with someone who could be a match (but obviously turned not to be).

 

I'll check your answer later, have to go out for the day. Thanks.

[RedRobin]

OP, here is something else you might want to take a listen to...

 

Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar | Video on TED.com

 

Watch it carefully.

 

While it is annoying, frustrating, and discouraging when you come across someone who actively or passively lies to you... the absolute ONLY way to avoid this situation is to take responsibility for your part in letting them deceive you.

 

This is the only way to avoid them in the future.

 

One thing I look for in particular is the 'duping grin'. I can spot it very easily... both in person and tone of voice.

[clia]

I don't see why you're getting slammed for diagnosing this guy when I see quite a bit of BPD, bipolar, and narcissism diagnoses happening on a daily basis on this site. But, at any rate, I don't think the issue is whether he is a sociopath, a douchebag, or a player. It doesn't really matter that much. What really matters is how you reacted to his game/manipulation.

 

You've always struck me as one of the more level headed posters around here, so it's actually pretty shocking to me to hear that you decided to have a baby with a man you'd only known for two months! Do you think this was in part because of your age, and the urgency you feel to have a baby? Could you see the 25 year old you falling for this? On some level, you knew that what was happening wasn't quite right, and you turned a blind eye to it because he seemed so perfect. I base that merely on your post a few months ago asking for advice about the speed at which he was going. And I suspect there were more red flags that were piling up along the way, that you ignored because you were so focused on how good he looked on paper. (Not judging -- been there, done that!) Can you now, looking back, see the red flags more clearly? You wouldn't be the first person to focus on the good and ignore the bad. But now you know about more red flags to keep an eye out for...it's really all you can do.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. As to how to move on...time. You know you are a strong person, and you will get over this. Luckily for you, you got out of it fairly quickly.

[whirl3daway]

This is fascinating. I dated a guy (was engaged to him actually), who I am fairly certain is a sociopath. It's easy for people to wave that away, calling you an armchair professional, and that not everyone who is a bad person in a relationship has a mental disorder... but I think a true sociopath is something that you can never forget.

 

I had a feeling about my ex right from the very beginning - there was a gut feeling that something was very wrong. He was excellent at playing the game. He told me he loved me very quickly, wanted to spend all his time with me, talked about wanting to marry me. I found him quite attractive, and I have my own personal demons which make me susceptible to men who are like this, so I fell under his spell quickly.

 

The thing I found most interesting about him was his total lack of boundaries. Anything that was mine, was his. He could justify doing and saying ANYTHING to me, because he would turn it all around on me. Everything was my fault.My needs and wants were not even relevant to his interest - they might as well have not existed. Trying to discuss things with him led to a complete gaslighting situation - he would totally deny everything and anything, even when faced with irrefutable evidence that he had done these things. (ie: I found craigslist ads that he had written while we were together, and he denied it, even though the responses WERE IN HIS EMAIL). He had no shame. He wanted only what he wanted, and had no trouble with lying to get it. He would say and do ANYTHING to make you think he was in the right. He watched child porn, and saw nothing wrong with it.

 

There are hundreds of examples. We still share a lease, and his behavior has not changed in the slightest. Other people are merely a commodity to him - he is devoid of an actual human soul, devoid of empathy, and devoid of real emotion.

 

It was terrifying, and disheartening, and taught me a valuable lesson about not allowing men like this into my life. They hone in to women like me - I have a sociopathic NPD father, and I'm very submissive.

 

A huge instinct I should have followed was the gut feeling. I knew something was very wrong with him. He smiled in a way that never quite reached his eyes, and they had a very "dead" quality to them. He had no empathy for other people - he had no friends. There are signs. Everyone must be aware of them to avoid these people. Although his mental illness is not his fault - he is still an evil human being because of it.