Dating a sociopath?

[Imajerk17]

Alright I do understand it does sound crazy.

 

Let me explain why it didn't sound that crazy at the time. We (seemed to have) matched incredibly. We have the exact same ethnicity, the same background, we are both into the exact same subculture (goth music and events) and we are both into kink. Honestly he is probably only the second guy who I've met with these characteristics (the first one, I got married to). He played on this very well, saying he never met someone like this, and I identified with it as it is indeed really hard to meet someone like that. That's probably why I went ahead and tried to make things work. Makes sense?

 

Are you serious? So THAT is why you decided to get pregnant with someone after knowing them only 2 months?

 

That's just messed up. Most 20-year-olds would have better judgement than that.

 

Is it any wonder to you why people are so pissed with you and don't think highly of your intelligence? You rushed into something that MOST women (yes even those with a ticking biological clock) would have had the sense not to do so. Your selfishness led to an aborted baby. But you STILL seem to have your head in the sand and think the problem is your "sociopathic" boyfriend and NOT on any of your atrocious decision-making. Unbelievable.

[Emilia]

Are you serious? So THAT is why you decided to get pregnant with someone after knowing them only 2 months?

 

That's just messed up. Most 20-year-olds would have better judgement than that.

 

Is it any wonder to you why people are so pissed with you and don't think highly of your intelligence? You rushed into something that MOST women (yes even those with a ticking biological clock) would have had the sense not to do so. Your selfishness led to an aborted baby. But you STILL seem to have your head in the sand and think the problem is your "sociopathic" boyfriend and NOT on any of your atrocious decision-making. Unbelievable.

The unfortunate victim mentality that will haunt the OP until she gets grips with it.

[edgygirl]

The unfortunate victim mentality that will haunt the OP until she gets grips with it.

 

Victim mentality. Right. Let's hope you don't cross paths with a sociopath as some people who have posted above. You obviously don't get it. And I don't wish it even on people who underestimate my intelligence like you're determined to do today. Good luck.

[edgygirl]

Are you serious? So THAT is why you decided to get pregnant with someone after knowing them only 2 months?

 

That's just messed up. Most 20-year-olds would have better judgement than that.

 

Is it any wonder to you why people are so pissed with you and don't think highly of your intelligence? You rushed into something that MOST women (yes even those with a ticking biological clock) would have had the sense not to do so. Your selfishness led to an aborted baby. But you STILL seem to have your head in the sand and think the problem is your "sociopathic" boyfriend and NOT on any of your atrocious decision-making. Unbelievable.

 

You guys take things so literally. I gave a few examples of things that are important to me. They are obviously not the sum of things that are important, as good morals, character etc. If these type of things I mentioned are not important to you, it's your call. I stand by what I said. And when I noticed the guy didn't have the personality traits that are important, I ran away. So?

 

Yes it is a "wonder" that certain people are attacking me as clia said I am quite level headed and have usually have quite a decent judgement. I still think it's quite pathetic to slam me when I came here for guidance and not to get slammed over what the guy is or is not. What good does it do? Don't you think I know what went wrong? Pff.

 

Ah. "Your selfishness led to an aborted baby". Uh? Thanks for letting me know darling. Have a problem with that? It's your problem really if you do. Are you capable of having some empathy and not throw things on my face? I am not sure, from this post and others before. I feel bad enough already, what makes you think I need to hear that? Wth.

 

On of the reasons for my decision making is based on my biological clock. You have no way to humanly know how it feels, not have most woman under 35. I don't really care if you think that's irrelevant. I learned my lessons and do not need a Imajerk to tell me whether my decisions were stupid or not. I need constructive criticism, if you are unable to give it, please do me a favor and restrain from posting.

Edited July 29, 2013 by edgygirl

[Star Gazer]

You guys take things so literally. I gave a few examples of things that are important to me. They are obviously not the sum of things that are important, as good morals, character etc. If these type of things I mentioned are not important to you, it's your call. I stand by what I said. And when I noticed the guy didn't have the personality traits that are important, I ran away. So?

 

It's very concerning that you CHOSE TO GET PREGNANT by a man without any due consideration to who he is on a fundamental level, such as his personality, morals, values, and integrity. You chose to get pregnant based solely on things you have in common.

 

Aren't you the least bit worried about your own choices here?

 

That demonstrates incredibly poor judgment on your part. It doesn't demonstrate that he's a sociopath.

 

Are you capable of having some empathy and not throw things on my face?.

You've accused everyone who's challenged your judgment and accusations of sociopathy as being devoid of empathy. Those you've accused of such heartlessness are very rational people with huge hearts. You're just trying to manipulate the situation so that you look like a victim. Edited July 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Star Gazer]

On of the reasons for my decision making is based on my biological clock. You have no way to humanly know how it feels, not have most woman under 35. I don't really care if you think that's irrelevant. I learned my lessons and do not need a Imajerk to tell me whether my decisions were stupid or not. I need constructive criticism, if you are unable to give it, please do me a favor and restrain from posting.

 

I'm 35 and very concerned about my biological clock, and I never ever ever ever ever would have made the decision to get pregnant after two months based solely on things I have in common with someone.

[edgygirl]

I don't see why you're getting slammed for diagnosing this guy when I see quite a bit of BPD, bipolar, and narcissism diagnoses happening on a daily basis on this site. But, at any rate, I don't think the issue is whether he is a sociopath, a douchebag, or a player. It doesn't really matter that much. What really matters is how you reacted to his game/manipulation.

 

You've always struck me as one of the more level headed posters around here, so it's actually pretty shocking to me to hear that you decided to have a baby with a man you'd only known for two months! Do you think this was in part because of your age, and the urgency you feel to have a baby? Could you see the 25 year old you falling for this? On some level, you knew that what was happening wasn't quite right, and you turned a blind eye to it because he seemed so perfect. I base that merely on your post a few months ago asking for advice about the speed at which he was going. And I suspect there were more red flags that were piling up along the way, that you ignored because you were so focused on how good he looked on paper. (Not judging -- been there, done that!) Can you now, looking back, see the red flags more clearly? You wouldn't be the first person to focus on the good and ignore the bad. But now you know about more red flags to keep an eye out for...it's really all you can do.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. As to how to move on...time. You know you are a strong person, and you will get over this. Luckily for you, you got out of it fairly quickly.

 

Thank you very much clia. That's exactly the kind of constructive post that will help me immensely and I thank you for being able to read me correctly from my past posts.

 

That's exactly what I feel - there's absolutely no reason to slam me. I apparently hit someone's nerve and it turned into a snowball, Lord of the Flies type of thing where people felt free to be mean to someone who went through a trauma. I surely don't understand that kind of thinking and I think it's plain evil.

 

Exactly - what difference does it make what the guy was or was not? I obviously stated my perception of him, but does it really matter if he's just a colossal jerk or a sociopath??? No it doesn't. Not for the question I asked.

 

Your perception of the facts is quite accurate, I certainly wouldn't do it if I were 25. I can now TOTALLY see the red flags, even his mannerisms screamed "liar", it's quite shocking looking back really but I can tell you he is not just a traditional jerk, there's obviously some disturbing reality there. But as I never crossed paths with someone like that, I thought he was just really extroverted and confident or so. The only good thing I am taking from this, is that I think I'll have the ability to tell when someone seems to have serious issues. I really never met someone like this before.

 

Thanks again for your caring and human post.

[edgygirl]

I'm 35 and very concerned about my biological clock, and I never ever ever ever ever would have made the decision to get pregnant after two months based solely on things I have in common with someone.

 

Great. Congrats for being a superior human being! Want a medal?

[edgygirl]

It's very concerning that you CHOSE TO GET PREGNANT by a man without any due consideration to who he is on a fundamental level, such as his personality, morals, values, and integrity. You chose to get pregnant based solely on things you have in common.

 

Aren't you the least bit worried about your own choices here?

 

That demonstrates incredibly poor judgment on your part. It doesn't demonstrate that he's a sociopath.

 

 

 

You've accused everyone who's challenged your judgment and accusations of sociopathy as being devoid of empathy. Those you've accused of such heartlessness are very rational people with huge hearts. You're just trying to manipulate the situation so that you look like a victim.

 

 

You pick the things you want to read and you have selective memory.

 

I already answered that - he disguised very well his personality and seemed to have good morals and character. Please don't make me repost and repost what I already said.

 

As other people cleverly said here - does it really matter what he was or not??? Why? Do you know him? lol. Give me a break. So okay, what if he has HPD? Does it matter? Why are you focusing SO much on what he was or wasn't? Wth. Do you want his phone number to discuss? I asked for guidance on the future and you are focusing on the past. So what if let's say he was simply the biggest jerk ever? Why didn't you ever answer my question on how to trust people again, why are you so focused on challenging what I think of this guy? Why does it matter so much?

 

There must be a reason why you are so hung up on this.

Edited July 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edgygirl]

This is fascinating. I dated a guy (was engaged to him actually), who I am fairly certain is a sociopath. It's easy for people to wave that away, calling you an armchair professional, and that not everyone who is a bad person in a relationship has a mental disorder... but I think a true sociopath is something that you can never forget.

 

I had a feeling about my ex right from the very beginning - there was a gut feeling that something was very wrong. He was excellent at playing the game. He told me he loved me very quickly, wanted to spend all his time with me, talked about wanting to marry me. I found him quite attractive, and I have my own personal demons which make me susceptible to men who are like this, so I fell under his spell quickly.

 

The thing I found most interesting about him was his total lack of boundaries. Anything that was mine, was his. He could justify doing and saying ANYTHING to me, because he would turn it all around on me. Everything was my fault.My needs and wants were not even relevant to his interest - they might as well have not existed. Trying to discuss things with him led to a complete gaslighting situation - he would totally deny everything and anything, even when faced with irrefutable evidence that he had done these things. (ie: I found craigslist ads that he had written while we were together, and he denied it, even though the responses WERE IN HIS EMAIL). He had no shame. He wanted only what he wanted, and had no trouble with lying to get it. He would say and do ANYTHING to make you think he was in the right. He watched child porn, and saw nothing wrong with it.

 

There are hundreds of examples. We still share a lease, and his behavior has not changed in the slightest. Other people are merely a commodity to him - he is devoid of an actual human soul, devoid of empathy, and devoid of real emotion.

 

It was terrifying, and disheartening, and taught me a valuable lesson about not allowing men like this into my life. They hone in to women like me - I have a sociopathic NPD father, and I'm very submissive.

 

A huge instinct I should have followed was the gut feeling. I knew something was very wrong with him. He smiled in a way that never quite reached his eyes, and they had a very "dead" quality to them. He had no empathy for other people - he had no friends. There are signs. Everyone must be aware of them to avoid these people. Although his mental illness is not his fault - he is still an evil human being because of it.

 

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you had to go through this whirl3daway. It's blatant how only people who were in contact with someone like that can get what I'm talking about. It is NOT normal jerkness and it's crazy how most people who don't get it make a point of putting the blame on the victim.

 

Now I get how rape victims feel. It is outrageous, really.

 

The funny thing is certain people on this forum won't slam people like you who share the same thing, but are really enjoying to slam me. LOL. I find it kind of entertaining and it makes me see why certain people here have issues dating.

 

Again, thanks for sharing I appreciate being able to relate. The gut feeling thing is huge and I am surely following mine next time and not sweeping it under the rug ever again.

[edgygirl]

Hey great video RR thanks!

 

It gives me chills down my spine how I can recognize the guy's mannerisms in this video.

 

I never met anyone like that before (at least not that I was aware of), and only now I can say I will most likely recognize a pathological liar if I ever meet one again. It's so clear after you dealt with one, it's not even funny.

 

Oh my! The duping grin!!! This guy had this constantly on his face. Scary!

 

OP, here is something else you might want to take a listen to...

 

Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar | Video on TED.com

 

Watch it carefully.

 

While it is annoying, frustrating, and discouraging when you come across someone who actively or passively lies to you... the absolute ONLY way to avoid this situation is to take responsibility for your part in letting them deceive you.

 

This is the only way to avoid them in the future.

 

One thing I look for in particular is the 'duping grin'. I can spot it very easily... both in person and tone of voice.

[RedRobin]

OP, if it makes you feel better... my grandfather proposed to my grandmother 6 weeks after meeting her for the first time.

 

They were married for 60+ years... of which my mom was the proud result of their union.

 

Ok, so it was a time of war... they weren't the only ones making that choice, and yea, it was different times.

 

Thing is, people DO make snap decisions. You took a risk... really, no one knows except you what your relationship history is like. If you have a pattern of risky behavior and things ending very badly, then yes... time for self-evaluation. Maybe this incident was just what you needed to shake you out of whatever it is you needed shaking out of.

 

Also, you'll notice that I didn't really assign this guy a label myself. World IS full of liars of all kinds (including me and you as the video attests).

 

We are all appointed to do our best to avoid those who lie about major things... even if it is us lying to ourselves...

 

Best wishes going forward...

[BradJacobs]

I've been love bombed in the beginning.

 

It's creepy.

 

How in the world did that work?

[edgygirl]

OP, if it makes you feel better... my grandfather proposed to my grandmother 6 weeks after meeting her for the first time.

 

They were married for 60+ years... of which my mom was the proud result of their union.

 

Ok, so it was a time of war... they weren't the only ones making that choice, and yea, it was different times.

 

Thing is, people DO make snap decisions. You took a risk... really, no one knows except you what your relationship history is like. If you have a pattern of risky behavior and things ending very badly, then yes... time for self-evaluation. Maybe this incident was just what you needed to shake you out of whatever it is you needed shaking out of.

 

Also, you'll notice that I didn't really assign this guy a label myself. World IS full of liars of all kinds (including me and you as the video attests).

 

We are all appointed to do our best to avoid those who lie about major things... even if it is us lying to ourselves...

 

Best wishes going forward...

 

I remember the story about your lovely grandparents

 

And as a side note my parents got engaged after 4 weeks and married after 3 months of meeting. Been together for 51 years now.

 

I mean, it's not the wisest type of decision nowadays as it seems people are crazier, but I also don't see it as the most absurd thing in the world as people here seem to. It can happen and have a happy ending. The problem is when it doesn't. It is certainly risky but I don't think it's like the worst lack of judgement in the world.

 

I hope this incident will help me make wise decisions moving forward. It's overall hard as I do want a child which is not compatible with giving a more reasonable time for a relationship to develop. May I see the light and have luck going forward. Thanks for the wishes RR!

[edgygirl]

I've been love bombed in the beginning.

 

It's creepy.

 

How in the world did that work?

 

Uber creepy, specially looking back now.

And it obviously didn't work.

[BradJacobs]

Uber creepy, specially looking back now.

And it obviously didn't work.

But you fell for it in the beginning?

 

Are you not prego? Hard to tell if that's what he promised on but didn't deliver or what happened and didn't deliver.

[edgygirl]

But you fell for it in the beginning?

 

Are you not prego? Hard to tell if that's what he promised on but didn't deliver or what happened and didn't deliver.

 

I don't feel I ever really fell for it, as my gut feeling was telling me not to. I was trying to see where things were going and if it felt right. I was never in love with him as deep down something seemed to be off, but was considering going forward as we seemed like a good fit initially - he had several traits I look for, and at my age I was concerned about the timing for having a baby.

 

My mistake was to fall for the "we have to start trying because of your age" talk and have unprotected sex thinking that at age 40 it might take a long time to happen or that it would not happen at all. But it happened on our first weekend together. I am not having the baby anymore though.

[xxoo]

I think you should take a hard look at the desire to have a traditional family (marriage and getting pregnant) at this age. What if that doesn't happen for you? Is it the end of the world? Would you still want to marry?

 

The reality is, there is a good chance that isn't going to work out. It may, but it can't be forced. And, imo, the ability to conceive a baby with your partner should be a low priority at this point in your decision making. There are other ways to have a family, either single or with a partner even 10 years from now....

[edgygirl]

I think you should take a hard look at the desire to have a traditional family (marriage and getting pregnant) at this age. What if that doesn't happen for you? Is it the end of the world? Would you still want to marry?

 

The reality is, there is a good chance that isn't going to work out. It may, but it can't be forced. And, imo, the ability to conceive a baby with your partner should be a low priority at this point in your decision making. There are other ways to have a family, either single or with a partner even 10 years from now....

 

You are right xxoo, not the end of world (although I do want it). After this episode I'm realizing it even more. It is a terribly bad idea to force it when things don't feel totally right. I broke up with a guy I didn't love last year although he wanted it all, and I should have ran away from this guy earlier than I did.

 

Thanks for the sound, respectful advice, as always.

[edgygirl]

All she has to ADD? This is HER thread, witch you and your team have descended upon to discredit.

 

So what if he is NOT a "real" sociopath? How would YOU guys know? And why do you care?

 

She's talking about her personal experience and how she dealt with it. Do you have anything to add to that, or only ways to dismiss it?

 

Oh my, I LOVE this woman.

 

Always the sound of reason. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks again.

[Star Gazer]

All she has to ADD? This is HER thread, witch you and your team have descended upon to discredit.

 

So what if he is NOT a "real" sociopath? How would YOU guys know? And why do you care?

 

She's talking about her personal experience and how she dealt with it. Do you have anything to add to that, or only ways to dismiss it?

 

Wish you'd read all the other posts that were deleted, as well as her other threads about this man. I think you'd have a different perspective about labeling this man as a sociopath, or, as her other thread says, an abuser. Those are pretty severe accusations to lob at someone.

 

Personally, I prefer to focus on personal accountability and not blaming the person for those we CHOOSE to get involved with. I really thought you felt the same, so the above is a huge huge huge surprise to see.

[xxoo]

edgy, how do you think the relationship would have progressed if you'd insisted on dating for a year, instead of advancing quickly? Do you feel confident that you would have recognized his (or another man's) true colors in that scenario?

[edgygirl]

Wish you'd read all the other posts that were deleted, as well as her other threads about this man. I think you'd have a different perspective about labeling this man as a sociopath, or, as her other thread says, an abuser. Those are pretty severe accusations to lob at someone.

 

Personally, I prefer to focus on personal accountability and not blaming the person for those we CHOOSE to get involved with. I really thought you felt the same, so the above is a huge huge huge surprise to see.

 

I wish she read your deleted posts too

 

Personal accountability? Yeah right. Because YOU never label people, right?:

 

Star Gazer: "If I were to play arm-chair psychologist, I would gather that he's been unable to form emotional attachments to places and people - pretty much his whole life.

 

I don't want to label him, but yet, I have this need to figure out what happened here so I can avoid it in the future. What do you think is going on with this guy? Commitment phobic? Immature? A player? Doesn't know what he wants? Emotionally unavailable? Just an arsehole?"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/378565-emotionally-unavailable-cp-just-jerk

 

A guy was "not that into" you and you thought HE was the one who had problems. Ha.

[edgygirl]

edgy, how do you think the relationship would have progressed if you'd insisted on dating for a year, instead of advancing quickly? Do you feel confident that you would have recognized his (or another man's) true colors in that scenario?

 

I think so xxoo, at least eventually. We were long-distance (1 hour flight) and if me or him had moved to the same city as planned in the Summer, I would sooner or later catch on his pathological lying.

 

I've been thinking about what would be the minimum reasonable time to get to know someone, what do you guys think? My instinct tells me at least 6 months with constant, daily interaction. Ideally I would think at least a year but obviously I'd prefer to think about minimum timing. I heard people can't keep faking who they are after 3 months of daily interaction but 3 months does sound like too little to really know someone.

[SmileFace]

Be serious my dear - I don't know you and I don't need to judge.

You will be "you" either way.

 

You need to stop worrying about how much of a sociopath this man is.

And figure out how at 40 you allowed yourself to be manipulated.

FFS - next you may be claiming he performed witch craft.

 

You allowed a small attraction and pretty words to get you pregnant in two months of knowing a man and abort a child( I would say I would have done the same ... however I would have never intentionally gotten pregnant this early.)

 

He can be satan for all I care!

However you need to see your own fault in this.

This man is just a man.

I really don't care what label you give.

You have as much fault in this as him and his ways.

 

This is bizarre.

Accountability my dear.

Edited July 30, 2013 by SmileFace