brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 *Sorry for the strong language, but this is what really happened* I'm feeling so many emotions right now. Shame, embarrassment, sadness, anger, confusion, etc. I'm 22, and have been seeing this guy (28) for almost a year now. We talk ever day, see each other about every other day, we are in love, he tells me he wants to be with me and marry me blah blah blah. Except, of course, he has a girlfriend (24) of 2 years. So I spend the night at his house last night. I get up this morning, get dressed, and he's still asleep in bed. I'm about to leave when the side door to the house opens. He jumps up and walks into the kitchen area. "What are you doing?" He says. And then I hear her voice. She walks into the bedroom, sees me, and immediately starts screaming and crying. "Are you ****ing kidding me?! You ****ing *******!" She was screaming and punching him repeatedly. She then turns back to me and lunges at me. I grab her wrist tightly before she can hit me and say "No, you don't touch me!" He grabs her and pins her in the corner. "Get the **** out of here you stupid bitch! You slut!" I stayed completely calm and silent while gathering my things, all while she's screaming and yelling at me to get out. As I walked out of the house she yelled "Did you know he had a girlfriend? You stupid slut. You cunt." After I left she somehow got my number and called me, I didn't answer. She she texted me and said to "stay the **** away from my boyfriend you ****ing slut. I hope you hear me loud and clear you stupid bitch." So now here I am, and I don't really know what I'm feeling. He called me and apologized over and over, but I really didn't have anything to say. Just in a lot of shock. He said "hopefully she'll just break up with me." ARE YOU KIDDING. Why can't YOU just break up with her? He wants to so bad, even talked to his mom about how to do it. His thing is that he doesn't want to hurt her and everytime he tries to do it she freaks out and cries and he can never do it. So I have no idea what's going to happen now. I just know that I'm really sad and ashamed. Being caught doing that is so shameful And I feel bad, I really really do. Because I saw the pain on her face with my own eyes. For those of you who have been here, how long does this shame and heartache last? I just want to forget this ever happened. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I'm 22, and have been seeing this guy (28) for almost a year now. We talk ever day, see each other about every other day, we are in love, he tells me he wants to be with me and marry me blah blah blah. Except, of course, he has a girlfriend (24) of 2 years. In that year that you have been seeing him, how long did you know he had a girlfriend? Trust me - you don't want any part of this. Just walk away and find a guy that is 100% and completely available. There are enough of them out there and this guy is a tool. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Archanaart Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I guess that's the price you pay when you get into a relationship with someone that is already involved with another person. There are consequences to your and his actions and now three people are hurt. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 So, let me get this straight, he's 22 years old, and he has to talk to his mom about how to break up with someone?? That right there oughta be a red flag for you on his level of maturity and you want to be with him?? To top it off, he wants her to break up with him for his betrayal.... he's a boy, not a man, and you need to be thankful this happened before he got married to you or anyone else ....walk away, walk far away and count your blessings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 In that year that you have been seeing him, how long did you know he had a girlfriend? I found out about three months in. Couldn't walk away Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I'm sorry. If it's true about not wanting to hurt her, she's hurt now so maybe if he REALLY wanted to, now is the time. Otherwise, I guess you have some choices to make. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Maybe he's close with his mom, they're friends, and there's nothing wrong with counseling with someone in terms of how to make a big decision in life. It's a girlriend, it's not his wife, he was a big boy enough to make a decision to cheat for a year while in the relationship and he can't somehow make a decision to break up with a woman he obviously doesn't want to be with.... no, sorry, I don't buy that one. I was close with my mom, at 22 I was in my career and making my own life alterting decisions and mistakes. It doesn't help to make excuses for the guy, he made a decision to cheat and now he wants someone else to make the decision for him on what to do.... at least the OP saw the stupidity in his statement ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 I want to remind you that you are EMPOWERED. Do you want to be with someone who has clearly demonstrated an ability to be deceptive? It's so cliche: "if he does it with you, he'll do it to you", and "how you get him is how you lose him", blah blah blah. These things may be true, but they are beside the point. It's your life. What are you going to do?? I want to thank you for being so sweet and understanding. That's the big question here, what am I going to do? As sick as it is, I love this person soooo much its ridiculous, and despite all this mess, i would want to be with him. But after this happening...I'm like scarred. I think it was my final straw. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 I'm sorry. If it's true about not wanting to hurt her, she's hurt now so maybe if he REALLY wanted to, now is the time. Otherwise, I guess you have some choices to make. I definitely do. Thanks for the reply. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I want to thank you for being so sweet and understanding. That's the big question here, what am I going to do? As sick as it is, I love this person soooo much its ridiculous, and despite all this mess, i would want to be with him. But after this happening...I'm like scarred. I think it was my final straw. May I ask a question? If it is too personal I understand if you do not want to answer. If you saw the pain on her face, the pain he is capable of inflicting on another, aren't you afraid that he might avoid issues in a relationship with you and inflict the same kind of pain. Doesn't seem like a good place to be.....in his cross hairs I mean. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 May I ask a question? If it is too personal I understand if you do not want to answer. If you saw the pain on her face, the pain he is capable of inflicting on another, aren't you afraid that he might avoid issues in a relationship with you and inflict the same kind of pain. Doesn't seem like a good place to be.....in his cross hairs I mean. I completely understand what you're saying, and its a totally valid argument. Yes, of course I'm afraid he might do the same thing to me. I think after actually seeing this all go down, and having her screaming and crying right in front of me, it made it all real. I think I'm done with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Then he needs to leave her and be with you. You have to listen to your heart if you love him. However, be aware that the trust issues will be there between you two. Do you really want to be feeling like you want to check his phone, enquire about his whereabout all the time...? Something to think about... You're making very valid points. I've thought about all of that before, and its something I definitely need to sleep on. As of right now, I have the strong urge to walk away. I don't want something like this to ever happen again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I completely understand what you're saying, and its a totally valid argument. Yes, of course I'm afraid he might do the same thing to me. I think after actually seeing this all go down, and having her screaming and crying right in front of me, it made it all real. I think I'm done with it. I don't know you or what you desire in life, but for me, it would be hard for me to want to put myself in that position to be on the receiving end of his antics. Kind of like knowing someone kicks his dog and I want him to dog sit. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Believe me, I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sure you're going through a wide array of emotions. But, just a couple of things that caught my attention.... She somehow got my number and texted me... Uhm, yeah, if she had no idea who you were, I can only think of one way she got your phone number. He's waiting for her to break up with him AND she hasn't broken up with him. Since they're not married and I assume no children, I'm just not sure that she is the best person you'd want to have as a...wife in law. She's crazy enough to stay with him, she resorted to violence against him and you. I'm just not convinced by what you wrote on here that your man is looking out for your best interests. But, there might be a test. I don't know that I have all the bugs worked out, but what about this? Since it just happened, tell him you are going to file an unofficial police report with someone you know at the police station. If nothing more happens, then nothing will come of it. Tell him you are scared for your safety. You're going to make sure there is documentation. I will be stunned if he doesn't try to talk you out of it...WHICH MEANS...he's not completely certain she won't do something more to you and he is protecting her, even when you believe you're threatened. Plus, if he tries to talk you out of it because of how it will affect him...again, not thinking of your safety. Be good to yourself tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 You're making very valid points. I've thought about all of that before, and its something I definitely need to sleep on. As of right now, I have the strong urge to walk away. I don't want something like this to ever happen again. Maybe try a NC (at least temporary) until you think things through and decide what you want to do? I don't know about you, but my resolve to withdraw becomes a lot harder when I see him, hear his voice or am "with" him. Best wishes, hon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Maybe try a NC (at least temporary) until you think things through and decide what you want to do? I don't know about you, but my resolve to withdraw becomes a lot harder when I see him, hear his voice or am "with" him. Best wishes, hon. thanks for the advice:o 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Shouldn't that read: you didn't walk away? You most certainly could/should have, but you didn't. That's on you. I'm very aware that this is on me, I accept 100% responsibility for staying and getting myself in this situation, thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Archanaart Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I think it's a good idea. He really put you in harms way (I know you're grown, he didn't kidnap you, but, still). People get killed over this kinda stuff. Be careful. Drama free is the way to be. This sounds like it was a major wake up call for you. Everything happens for a reason. Seeing it all up in your face like that is bound to make quite a lasting impression. Glad you didn't get hurt (physically). I agree that situations like this can have direr consequences and I'm glad she's okay. But she also put herself in harms way. He's not completely to blame. it takes two. She agreed to continue on with this relationship and she should have thought through how his girlfriend would feel and react and that "dday" was a possibility. People need to take responsibility for their own actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 I agree that situations like this can have direr consequences and I'm glad she's okay. But she also put herself in harms way. He's not completely to blame. it takes two. She agreed to continue on with this relationship and she should have thought through how his girlfriend would feel and react and that "dday" was a possibility. People need to take responsibility for their own actions. I do take complete responsibility for my actions. I had a choice in all of this, and I know that. Right now I'm just feeling upset with myself for making those choices. You live and you learn, I guess :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 I'm also curious what this guy was doing when his girlfriend was calling you names, and telling you to get out. What was he doing? He was physically holding her back so she couldn't get to me, and just kept telling her to "calm the hell down" and to "stop." That's it really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 "When you know better, you do better." - Maya Angelou You cannot go back and change the past (I know a lot of us probably wish we could with the knowledge that we know now!), we can only use the knowledge to make better choices in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 And OP, lock your doors. STAY SAFE. haha that's exactly what my friend told me. Don't worry, my doors are definitely locked! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 I second that. Bubble bath, candles, a relaxing glass of wine, try for restful sleep, write in your journal: that is Dr. Sweetie's prescription. xo sounds like great medicine! thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Yeah. Some people need that firm ending, that hard out. But, if you've been in a relationship with someone for a year, it's hard not to at least try to let them down gently. But some men have a hard time taking no for an answer... Mine has been just shy of a year (in a few weeks) and I agree completely. I could not go cold turkey NC and wouldn't be able to end it without telling him. I was just suggesting while she tries to think about what she wants to do, it might be best to withdraw for a few days so she can have peace and clarity without his influence while trying to decide how to proceed from here on out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 "When you know better, you do better." - Maya Angelou You cannot go back and change the past (I know a lot of us probably wish we could with the knowledge that we know now!), we can only use the knowledge to make better choices in the future. This is what I keep telling myself. Thanks for the advice <3 Link to post Share on other sites
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