Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Is he as well? How long have they been together? he's had his problems with addiction but has been sober for three years now. they've been together for 2 years. she just started using again a couple months ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Is he a user too? no he is not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 I'm talking about after he already crushed his girlfriend by her catching them. That is the time to break up and say its over. He didn't do that. He's spineless and wants the girlfriend to dump him? Wtf? How about you need help for your drug use I don't love you and can't do this any longer. They don't even live together. This is a no brainier. There is no real ties. His girlfriend is his first choice right now. She is the back up plan. Run run run yup so spineless. my jaw dropped when he was like "hopefully she'll just break up with me." like, REALLY? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 Their relationship is so unhealthy and i know for a fact that their relationship will not last much longer. But I'm so exhausted from this ****, I have no desire to stick around and wait for that any longer. I'm just so tired of it. Done. Then sweetie do what's best for you, I'm 7 and a half years in and can't seem to find my way out. There are days when I'm ready to throw in the towel but he cries, begs and promises me it will end soon. Soon was almost a year ago. So here I sit waiting for a man to decide if he wants a future with me or with his wife. I wish I had the strength to move on and maybe tomorrow I will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 Then sweetie do what's best for you, I'm 7 and a half years in and can't seem to find my way out. There are days when I'm ready to throw in the towel but he cries, begs and promises me it will end soon. Soon was almost a year ago. So here I sit waiting for a man to decide if he wants a future with me or with his wife. I wish I had the strength to move on and maybe tomorrow I will. omg 7 and a half years? That's insane. If this is how much I'm hurting being only a year in I can only imagine what you feel :( Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 I hope you wouldn't do that when confronted with an expletive hurling, arms flailing, drug fueled crazy Oh hell ya I would. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 28, 2013 Share Posted July 28, 2013 omg 7 and a half years? That's insane. If this is how much I'm hurting being only a year in I can only imagine what you feel :( Well I feel loved and adored by many The thought of walking away and not seeing or speaking to him is scary but I hope someday I can find the strength to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 28, 2013 Author Share Posted July 28, 2013 He's cheating on her because he's a cheater. She's only his gf for God's sake and they don't even live together. There is no excuse for him cheating on her for a year. She doesn't have kids she can threaten him with, can't take him for alimony or child support. He had only been with her for a year when he started messing with the OP. He's 28 yrs old. If he isn't man enough to break up with a gf so he can be with the one he supposedly really wants to be with then he isn't a man. OP this guy is a huge liar and manipulator. Not only has he been lying to his gf for the past year he lied and tricked you into getting involved with him in the first place by not telling you he even had a gf. And I'd bet a million bucks he's still lying his face off to everyone. I'd like to know what he's been telling his gf about you since she caught him. Do you think he's telling her that he really loves you and he wishes she would just go away? I really doubt it. I bet what he is telling her is very similar to what he tells you. Like you came onto him, he can't get rid of you, he didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you to get lost, etc. I don't know what he is telling her, but it definitely isn't that he loves me and wants to be with me. Idk I'm just so disappointed in him with all of this. I love the guy to pieces but I will be the first to admit that he's very manipulative and selfish and spineless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 He needs to get away from her to protect his sobriety. That stuff'll kill ya. I watch "Intervention". Yeah I'm so worried for him that he's around that and hope he can stay strong enough to stay sober. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
save150 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 How do you know she's still using? And that he was once a drug user himself? Look, unless you've verified that yourself with your own eyes, don't be ready to believe it. You would be surprised to hear what the wayward person spins to two different audiences. I know. I'm one of the betrayed. And the stories about me that were spoon fed to the OW were unbelieveable! She bought them hook, line, and sinker. On the flip side, I'm got a good earful about her from WH. Painted her as a trollop in a cow suit. Verify. Verify. Verify. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I found out about three months in. Couldn't walk away I am so terribly sorry. This D-Day is saving your ***. Consider it the best thing that ever happened to you. Seriously -- smile. You're free. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 May I ask a question? If it is too personal I understand if you do not want to answer. If you saw the pain on her face, the pain he is capable of inflicting on another, aren't you afraid that he might avoid issues in a relationship with you and inflict the same kind of pain. Doesn't seem like a good place to be.....in his cross hairs I mean. Ditto. In one whole year, he couldn't figure out how to break up with her, and has to talk to his mom about it, which still didn't help, and he's almost 30?? He seems immature and like he has no clue how to be an adult and how to handle his relationship problems, and even if he finally mans up and breaks up with her, you may be in for lots of future drama with him. When he wants to break up with you, he won't, he'll just cheat on you for a year until you too catch him and then he'll hope you end it..smh. I do understand being attached to him and loving him but I would consider what I love about him and what qualities he has exhibited on a more objective level and see if it is something you want in your future. This is definitely a wake up call for you. Since she will cry and so on and since she clearly blames you and not him, and will likely continue seeing him, will you continue being in a secret relationship if he chooses not to end it because she won't? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 This is why it's so important that you end this now and use this time of clarity to your advantage. I'm sure lots of long term OW never imagined they would let this situation go on for years when the affair first started but once you start down that slippery slope of lowered expectations and accepting the unacceptable it can be very difficult to stop. Long term ow here and I couldn't agree more, if your ready to move on, don't walk, run! You need to cut off all contact with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 What's odd to me is that she had easy access to his house. That's just creepy if she had a key, and who else does? You could have been asleep. So dangerously creepy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I don't know where you live, but in my part of the world, they would take it seriously. It's the reason why stalking could start. It begins a documentation process. She thwarted a physical attack. What would have happened if bf was in the bathroom? Restraining orders have been given for less. Oh - I'd also change my phone number. In the US, it is actually very difficult to get a restraining order. They are generally not granted unless the victim can prove that there is a threat of future harm or that harm (re: serious bodily injury) has occurred in the past. The mitigating circumstances of having walked in on her boyfriend with another woman would certainly count in the girlfriend's favor. People still get away with murder in this circumstance by claiming temporary insanity, so you can bet that the courts would be willing to overlook a simple assault. OP, I agree that changing your number is a good idea. he's had his problems with addiction but has been sober for three years now. they've been together for 2 years. she just started using again a couple months ago. I sincerely doubt that he isn't also using. I have no proof, of course, just a strong hunch. I've used enough hard drugs and have known enough addicts to say that this is strong possibility. The temptation is almost impossible to resist when there are drugs in your home, and there's a reason why addicts are told to cut all friends who use from their lives. Two addicts dating, even if they are former addicts, is a recipe for disaster. If she's supplying him, he'll never leave. OP, what attracts you to this guy? All I've seen on this thread is his negative points, which seem to be rather overwhelming. The bottom line is that this guy is no good for you. You may love him, but you can choose not to be with him. Unless he (a) breaks up with the girlfriend, (b) grows a spine, and © gets into counseling, he doesn't deserve you, and you shouldn't give him the time of day. It will be painful to let him go, but you need to focus on yourself and make decisions that are right for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I can't imagine a more humiliating, embarrassing, degrading situation! Oh geez am I feeling horrified for you! I can even imagine. I don't understand what this gutter-slug of a guy's problem is that he can't make a decision... He has had a g/f for 24 months & you for 12 months. Two "relationships" lasting long enough where he shod Easily be able to decide with whom he wishes to be with. On the other side if he never stated to either of you that the two of you were "exclusive", he may be thinking he is just dating 2 girls... I don't know... Just stay away from that whole debacle for a bit. The entire dynamic seems extremely Co-dependent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I don't know what he is telling her, but it definitely isn't that he loves me and wants to be with me. Idk I'm just so disappointed in him with all of this. I love the guy to pieces but I will be the first to admit that he's very manipulative and selfish and spineless. OK, in light of this...what are YOU going to do today to change the situation? I get that you really wish that he'd tell his GF that it's over...but you've admitted that you know he won't. In light of that...what do YOU do to take care of yourself in this situation??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Believe me, I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sure you're going through a wide array of emotions. But, just a couple of things that caught my attention.... She somehow got my number and texted me... Uhm, yeah, if she had no idea who you were, I can only think of one way she got your phone number. He's waiting for her to break up with him AND she hasn't broken up with him. Since they're not married and I assume no children, I'm just not sure that she is the best person you'd want to have as a...wife in law. She's crazy enough to stay with him, she resorted to violence against him and you. I'm just not convinced by what you wrote on here that your man is looking out for your best interests. But, there might be a test. I don't know that I have all the bugs worked out, but what about this? Since it just happened, tell him you are going to file an unofficial police report with someone you know at the police station. If nothing more happens, then nothing will come of it. Tell him you are scared for your safety. You're going to make sure there is documentation. I will be stunned if he doesn't try to talk you out of it...WHICH MEANS...he's not completely certain she won't do something more to you and he is protecting her, even when you believe you're threatened. Plus, if he tries to talk you out of it because of how it will affect him...again, not thinking of your safety. Be good to yourself tonight. I agree with this. On Dday, I had no idea who the OW was or any of her info. My husband gave up everything, her phone number, her address, anything about her I asked for, he gave it to me...so its a safe bet the guy in OPS situation did the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 False. Emergency ROs can be granted on the spot once the police arrive. Not where I live. I used to do part time work for the police department, and even emergency restraining orders require an immediate threat of danger to be granted. The police do not have the authority to grant one. The criteria for getting one is a lot less stringent than a permanent order, but they still must be signed off by a judge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 I can't imagine a more humiliating, embarrassing, degrading situation! Oh geez am I feeling horrified for you! I can even imagine. I don't understand what this gutter-slug of a guy's problem is that he can't make a decision... He has had a g/f for 24 months & you for 12 months. Two "relationships" lasting long enough where he shod Easily be able to decide with whom he wishes to be with. On the other side if he never stated to either of you that the two of you were "exclusive", he may be thinking he is just dating 2 girls... I don't know... Just stay away from that whole debacle for a bit. The entire dynamic seems extremely Co-dependent. it was definitely so embarrassing and shocking. I'm definitely staying away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brittanyanderson Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 I will tell you what it is, it is stupid! That boyfriend is STUPID!!! Hey, I know my girlfriend has a key, but come on over and sleep at my place anyway, while I ignore all of her panicking texts and calls. Brilliant. We already know dude is seeking to avoid making a mature decision. Immature. I'm wondering if he did it on purpose. He told me that she was coming over to get some of her stuff...but that he "forgot". Yeah right! Was he looking to get caught so he wouldn't have to man up and break it off himself? Or was he just looking for the drama of it all? Or did he really "forget"? What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Britt, I don't think it matters WHY taken guy did what he did. Of he did it "on purpose", he knowingly put you through one of the most degrading & humiliating situations possible. On Purpose!! Of he "forgot", then he didn't care about either you OR his GF, to protect one of or both of you. Of he did it for the "drama", well what a $@%$&!!!!!!... Britt, this is a case of tuck tail and run. You are young, lovely and deserving of respect. Anyway you spin it here, you are not getting that respect. So I say, Respect Yourself and R.U.N.!!!! CIH* Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I agree with this. On Dday, I had no idea who the OW was or any of her info. My husband gave up everything, her phone number, her address, anything about her I asked for, he gave it to me...so its a safe bet the guy in OPS situation did the same. It saddens me to "like" this, but I know it to be true. I'm not sure why the WS thinks if will be better than to give out all the ino, but they do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 You think it's true that a good man is hard to find? I am so grateful to not be out there in the jungle of wanna be love!!! As someone who has been actively dating for 14 years, it is only getting worse. I've known three couples in the last few years who have separated (not because of an affair) and gotten back together. Yes, they still love each other, but the underlying theme of reconciliation was, "oh my god...this dating pool is awful" I internally wince when I hear of any spouse doing all the same old trite things we've heard before. No time, energy or desire for sex. No time for each other, taking each other for granted. Forgetting or neglecting holidays or special days. You know the list. Why do we do this to each other and to ourselves? We know the risks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 It saddens me to "like" this, but I know it to be true. I'm not sure why the WS thinks if will be better than to give out all the ino, but they do. Once they are caught, they're so off guard they panic and its every man for him or herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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