Dad cheated on my mom..

[Beast_117]

We found out about a year ago.She confronted him many times buy he never quit seeing the other woman.My mom is hurt she's been hurting all year..I don't like seeing her like this . She's never done anything to deserve this..she's the best mom/wife ever ...and now I can't even look at my dad the same way I used to.I've always had this image of him being a very respectable man..but now that impression is stained..for me anyways.

 

This sucks I never thought my dad would do something like this ...but I think my mom's had enough and she's definitely getting separated from him.What pisses me off is that my dad is begging my mom to not tell anyone and to not leave him..saying thing like "I need to maintain appearances,I don't want people thinking bad of me"

 

Sorry I just had to vent

[darkmoon]

I am not surprised that you need to vent, I would be upset too, my two cents, I suspect your father knows deep-down one day he will end up alone, losing his position in the community, but I would not take sides, it is a tough chapter all round, but vent here, yes

[road]

Get your mom the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It does not cost much and will tell your mom the best way to fight and kill the affair.

[Betterthanthis13]

Hey Beast how old are you? I'm really sorry to hear about your parents. Do you have people you can trust in real life you can talk to?

[M30USA]

I am not surprised that you need to vent, I would be upset too, my two cents, I suspect your father knows deep-down one day he will end up alone, losing his position in the community, but I would not take sides, it is a tough chapter all round, but vent here, yes

 

I agree about not taking sides. There is always more to the story than what you hear on the surface.

[Beast_117]

I CAN help my mom.As soon as i start working again and get settled into my job my mom,sister and brother and i are moving into another house.My dad will be on his own.

 

I don't rely on them for my happiness but seeing my mom in tears is painful.

[amaysngrace]

You sound like a good son and I don't blame you if you're angry at your dad. You're allowed to be.

 

Your dad sounds like he just wants to do what he wants and keep it all a big secret but you don't have to follow his rules. That's what works best for him but if speaking the truth about him works best for you then you should do just that.

 

He is not the boss of you.

[Betterthanthis13]

Sounds like you're trying to be a good son. Keep being supportive of your mom, I'm sure she appreciates it.

 

The way I see it, you dad has chosen to not be your moms husband anymore, but he is still your dad- that's tricky for you if he is trying to bully your mom into doing things she doesn't feel comfortable with in order to maintain his reputation or ego or what have you.

 

It's probably not a good idea to get in the middle of that- you might be able to help your mom find a lawyer who can help her? No contact can work great for feuding spouses during a divorce. Her lawyer and his lawyer can do all the negotiating, and leave you out of it. That way you can have a relationship with each parent separately, dad can move on with his new woman, and mom can pick up the pieces without being harassed to do absurd things like remain married to a man with a mistress. So if you want to help, I'd reccomend helping mom find a good lawyer and maybe changing her cell phone number, and not talking to either parent about the other one.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

We found out about a year ago.She confronted him many times buy he never quit seeing the other woman.My mom is hurt she's been hurting all year..I don't like seeing her like this . She's never done anything to deserve this..she's the best mom/wife ever ...and now I can't even look at my dad the same way I used to.I've always had this image of him being a very respectable man..but now that impression is stained..for me anyways.

 

This sucks I never thought my dad would do something like this ...but I think my mom's had enough and she's definitely getting separated from him.What pisses me off is that my dad is begging my mom to not tell anyone and to not leave him..saying thing like "I need to maintain appearances,I don't want people thinking bad of me"

 

Sorry I just had to vent

 

Beast,

You are a good son, and I am sure your mom and sister appreciate the support. If you don't mind, can we consider a couple of issues separately?

 

You can support your mom by knowing that she's under stress and will need help around the house. It's a bit like having surgery or an illness, stress like this can knock the wind out of you.

 

She is the adult and she will get better, so don't feel like this will be the way it is forever. She may need someone to vent to, and you need to suggest she get a professional (lawyer, counselor) to help. She really needs to be able to say things she cannot say to you! You understand right?

 

People like to say what happened between your parents is their business, and to an extent I agree. They had private moments and disagreements that have nothing to do with you (or your sister) and if they decide to divorce or not is ultimately one of those decisions. But I also know that horrible situations like this effect everyone in the family.

 

You have the right to be upset at your father. You are disappointed in his behavior and the impact on the family and probably most of all you are disappointed he is not behaving in a way you expect of someone you admire. And I am sure you feel like you now have to step in and take care of the family because your father is acting like a jerk. You do not need to be angry FOR your mother, to defend her. She can do that for herself. He's your father and it is likely that he will realize what he is doing has hurt you and be sorry for that. You need to know that it is not disloyal for you to build a relationship with him, if you want to. He will always be your father. You have every right to talk to your father about your feelings. They are your feelings. You may feel better by telling him how you feel and getting his assurance he intends to fulfill his obligations and support the family and not just abandon you all.

 

Take care and think about seeing a counselor yourself.

[save150]

You sound like a good son and I don't blame you if you're angry at your dad. You're allowed to be.

 

Your dad sounds like he just wants to do what he wants and keep it all a big secret but you don't have to follow his rules. That's what works best for him but if speaking the truth about him works best for you then you should do just that.

 

He is not the boss of you.

 

I agree. Hands down.

 

And like someone else advised...think about a counselor.

 

Good Luck. YOU are one of the good ones.

[Beast_117]

I appreciate the advice guys.Ya'll are right..she really needs someone other than me to vent to.My sister and I have supported her emotionally as best as we can..it also doesn't help that my grandma(mom's mom) passed away a few months ago..so with that along with my dad cheating is alot for her to handle.I can't possibly imagine what she's going through.

 

 

As for my dad, I'll never look at him the same way as before but at the end of the day he's still my dad..I won't completely abandon him, we still have a decent relationship.

[BeholdtheMan]

"I need to maintain appearances,I don't want people thinking bad of me"

Wow that is some incredible selfishness on your dad's part

 

Keep in mind though that you may not be getting the whole picture. Cheating of course is inexcusable. The only situations in which it's partially excusable is when the other spouse is known to have had a previous affair or when the other spouse refuses sexual intimacy for a long period of time. Have you ever spoken to your dad about why he's treating your mom this way?

Edited July 29, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Beast_117]

Have you ever spoken to your dad about why he's treating your mom this way?

 

No, I don't really want to interfere too much..I don't talk about it when I'm around him..I think confronting him about it may backfire on me and I don't want to get on his bad side.

[BeholdtheMan]

No, I don't really want to interfere too much..I don't talk about it when I'm around him..I think confronting him about it may backfire on me and I don't want to get on his bad side.

Then I fear you may not be getting the whole story. Obviously, you're in no position to make assumptions in either party's favour...but you really have no idea why your dad is being a complete di** to your mom.

 

Some possibilities:

1) Your dad is just behaving like a selfish d-bag. He got tired of the same body lying on the same bed every night and decided to find someone else to bang

2) Your mom and dad have had long-term sexual problems (your mom refuses sex)

3) Your mom has had a previous affair (maybe early in the marriage) and that's why your dad feels little remorse over his later affair

4) Your mom and dad have had other marital woes (conflicts of personality, conflicts over finances etc.), your dad chose to deal with these problems in the worst way possible, by having an affair behind your mom's back

 

I'm just saying this could be a lot more complicated than it appears to you.

[Beast_117]

I seriously doubt my mom has cheated..you just have to trust me on this.Even though I'm surprised my dad cheated I always thought that if either of them was to cheat it would be my dad..and well he did.

 

I honestly think that he cheated simply because the opportunity came and he took it..he figures my mom wouldn't have the courage to leave him since she doesn't have a job or any way of supporting herself so she would have to put up with his BS.

[Got it]

Beast, I understand the sticky situation of finding out a parent is doing something that you don't approve of. While in my case it isn't an affair, my father's dating preferences and potential sex addiction has turned him into a person we don't connect to anymore.

 

A couple things, you can have a confrontation that doesn't have to be drama filled. You can sit him down and ask him for his side and why. You may be surprised at the discussion. I do recommend that you can't be either parent's soundingboard, knight in shining armor, therapist, etc. That isn't fair to you. What you can do is tell them that you love them, you will always love them, and you want them to be happy. You can tell your dad how his actions make you feel, that you love him, and you are in a tough spot between the two of them.

 

You are an adult so you have the freedom, as do I, to designate how much I want to be involved. With my father, we have just pulled back. It's his life and he is going to lead it as he wants to, we are amicable but do not have the close relationship we once did.

 

Sorry for what you are going through.

[beatcuff]

Beast,

 

i know you want to lash out, get your pound of flesh and it will make you feel better but think long and hard ---

 

my wife's parents separated, it was mostly dad's fault, so her 2 sisters took mom's side. NC, then basically spying on him. my wife took my advice (from my experience) and stayed neutral. spent nearly equal time with them, refused to bad mouth and even discuss the other.

 

six months later they got back together. BOTH respected her for not interfering. her bond with them grew while they were separate and continued after.

 

it was not easy, she cried a lot when she came home.

 

please remember this is an issue between them. as you get older (marriage etc) it will make more sense.

[Spark1111]

I think mama needs to get to a divorce attorney and find out what she is entitled to....it may be more than she realizes.

 

She also needs to afford some counseling. It will give her a much needed place to vent and perhaps some coping skills too to get through the pain and start a new chapter in her life.

 

It is not your job to become the financial breadwinner for the family now. Everyone needs to pull their own weight here, including mom. make a plan together, the three of you. Your contribution and your sister's needs to be rent and food. What would be fair?

 

As for your dad, he is an adult who can make his own decisions. AND as an adult, must bear the consequences of his actions like all grown-ups have to.

 

It is admirable that you have the maturity and decency to continue having an ok relationship with him, but that shouldn't mean you have to sit on your feelings about the situation because everyone has feelings.

 

You could tell him that you love him but you it hurts you how your mom is in pain, SO what is HIS PLAN because it really cannot continue they way it is now.

[youngnlove89]

When I turned 18 (now 24), I found out my father had a year long affair with one of my HS classmates mother. It all started on a school trip where they had met each other. For years, I felt guilty that if it weren't for *my* school trip, they would have never met. I have now accepted that under any circumstance my dad would have done it anyways, whether with that woman or this woman.

 

For a year, my mother and I were completely oblivious. I did overhear a phone call my dad had with a woman once while I was in his truck. It sounded suspicious and I told my mom about it, but she brushed off and said, "your dad is a business owner, he talks to woman all day, it's probably nothing..."

 

Our friends all knew about my dad's affair way before we did. We were in the dark. We noticed him acting different, but we never concluded it was because of another woman. Even my classmate whose mom was the other woman knew before me and I sat behind her in class and she never told me, but was always extra friendly to me. I always wondered why...

 

It wasn't till one day my mother got a phone call. This was after my parents were separated for "irreconcilable differences". The phone call was from the other woman's husband who told my mom that my dad had been cheating on her with his wife. She was stunned. Heartbroken.

 

I experienced bitterness, anger and complete depression from my mom. I saw them fight and hate each other. I saw my mom get on her knees and beg my dad to come back. I saw her cry every night in bed. She dropped 20 pounds. I saw her scream. I heard her ask my father several times, "WHY??!" My mom put the blame on herself, if she had only done this or that she would say. It was sad, I was heartbroken. My dad came over one day to apologize to me, I couldn't even look at him. I was embarrassed. I wanted to hug him. I don't know why I felt sorry for him. But he hurt my mom so bad that I was angry at the same time.

 

I love both my parents. I couldn't grasp what happened. My mom was hurt. My dad was lost and confused. But loved this other woman.

 

I hated to see my mom that way. She went to therapy. Took xanax. Read every book about it. Spoke with friends/family. Was angry. She still is to this day, but she has accepted it and she has been with someone else for 5 years now. She met him not too long after the divorce. This new guy is charming, eloquent, and a debonair. He would never cheat on her.

 

My mom has healed, but still holds resentment I believe. She doesn't understand it and never will. She wants answers. She wants to know why. But you never get those answers. Sometimes people change and forget to tell one another...

 

Oh and my dad is still single. Never stayed with that married woman. That married woman is still with her husband. My dad is lonely and confused. I see sadness in his eyes. I think he regrets that he gave up on us for another woman. He is in a relationship, but it is off and on. It's toxic and detrimental. I don't think this is what he expected.

Edited July 29, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Beast_117]

youngnlove89 I'm sorry to hear about your parents.Me, my mom and sister have all noticed him acting different too.It's weird.

 

My mom can't get any straight answers from him either, when asked "why?" he just keeps his mouth shut.

[janedoe67]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your post is more proof that an affair isn't just about "two consenting adults." It affects everyone in the family. I applaud you for having such compassion.

 

And as to the advice to "grow up," I think you are displaying much more adult character by seeing the wrong in your father's adultery than either your father or his other woman are displaying by becoming involved in adultery.

 

I hope that your father will see the wrong in his actions and decide to turn away from his bad choices. But if not, know that his choices are no reflection on you; they are 100% his to own.

[Nyla]

We found out about a year ago.She confronted him many times buy he never quit seeing the other woman.My mom is hurt she's been hurting all year..I don't like seeing her like this . She's never done anything to deserve this..she's the best mom/wife ever ...and now I can't even look at my dad the same way I used to.I've always had this image of him being a very respectable man..but now that impression is stained..for me anyways.

 

This sucks I never thought my dad would do something like this ...but I think my mom's had enough and she's definitely getting separated from him.What pisses me off is that my dad is begging my mom to not tell anyone and to not leave him..saying thing like "I need to maintain appearances,I don't want people thinking bad of me"

 

Sorry I just had to vent

 

I hope it helped you to vent. My father cheated on my mother and everyone found out when the OW's husband called our house at 3AM.

 

I love my father and we have always had a very close relationship. When he cheated I was disgusted and disappointed in him. He refuses to admit to being unfaithful even twenty years later. I used to get very angry with him when my father would try to criticize my morals. I still have a very hard time trusting men since I grew up seeing all the men in my family cheat.

 

I have no advice for you except to stay strong and keep posting on LS.

[whichwayisup]

youngnlove89 I'm sorry to hear about your parents.Me, my mom and sister have all noticed him acting different too.It's weird.

 

My mom can't get any straight answers from him either, when asked "why?" he just keeps his mouth shut.

 

Just love your mom. Live your life as much as you can and just know that your mom WILL figure it out when she is ready to or when she's had enough. It's scary for her, new changes, a possible life without all of you living under one roof, celebrating holidays and birthday's together.

 

Your dad is selfish. He will have to face the consquences of his decision to cheat and betray the family unit. one day he may have many regrets..

[save150]

When I turned 18 (now 24), I found out my father had a year long affair with one of my HS classmates mother. It all started on a school trip where they had met each other. For years, I felt guilty that if it weren't for *my* school trip, they would have never met. I have now accepted that under any circumstance my dad would have done it anyways, whether with that woman or this woman.

 

For a year, my mother and I were completely oblivious. I did overhear a phone call my dad had with a woman once while I was in his truck. It sounded suspicious and I told my mom about it, but she brushed off and said, "your dad is a business owner, he talks to woman all day, it's probably nothing..."

 

Our friends all knew about my dad's affair way before we did. We were in the dark. We noticed him acting different, but we never concluded it was because of another woman. Even my classmate whose mom was the other woman knew before me and I sat behind her in class and she never told me, but was always extra friendly to me. I always wondered why...

 

It wasn't till one day my mother got a phone call. This was after my parents were separated for "irreconcilable differences". The phone call was from the other woman's husband who told my mom that my dad had been cheating on her with his wife. She was stunned. Heartbroken.

 

I experienced bitterness, anger and complete depression from my mom. I saw them fight and hate each other. I saw my mom get on her knees and beg my dad to come back. I saw her cry every night in bed. She dropped 20 pounds. I saw her scream. I heard her ask my father several times, "WHY??!" My mom put the blame on herself, if she had only done this or that she would say. It was sad, I was heartbroken. My dad came over one day to apologize to me, I couldn't even look at him. I was embarrassed. I wanted to hug him. I don't know why I felt sorry for him. But he hurt my mom so bad that I was angry at the same time.

 

I love both my parents. I couldn't grasp what happened. My mom was hurt. My dad was lost and confused. But loved this other woman.

 

I hated to see my mom that way. She went to therapy. Took xanax. Read every book about it. Spoke with friends/family. Was angry. She still is to this day, but she has accepted it and she has been with someone else for 5 years now. She met him not too long after the divorce. This new guy is charming, eloquent, and a debonair. He would never cheat on her.

 

My mom has healed, but still holds resentment I believe. She doesn't understand it and never will. She wants answers. She wants to know why. But you never get those answers. Sometimes people change and forget to tell one another...

 

Oh and my dad is still single. Never stayed with that married woman. That married woman is still with her husband. My dad is lonely and confused. I see sadness in his eyes. I think he regrets that he gave up on us for another woman. He is in a relationship, but it is off and on. It's toxic and detrimental. I don't think this is what he expected.

 

This is the saddest thing I have ever read. Beast...you should print this off and give it to your Dad.

[janedoe67]

I have been thinking of you Beast. I guess because as a fWW I know...I KNOW my A's have affected my children. And the idea that anyone - whether WS or OM/OW wouldn't be moved by that fact - is just unfathomable to me. It's one thing, I guess, if they are unmoved by the feelings of the BS (they can always spin about how bad the marriage was). But to be unmoved by the FACT that THEIR chosen actions are hurting children (and yes, adult children are still our children)....that to me is the absolute lowest character point of the WS and OW/OM.