Marital abortion and heartbreak

[Chantilly_lace]

Hi all, I'm just feeling very depressed tonight and need some guidance. I had a dream last night that I became pregnant by my husband and had an early abortion. In my dream, he became upset with me because I had aborted our child (or "potential child" or whatever, depending on your beliefs about that). Anyhow, when I awoke, I told my husband about the dream, and he said that he actually would not be angry at all if I opted for an abortion in the early stages of pregnancy- should I become pregnant. Background: he doesn't want children; I do at some point, just not now as I am still in school. Anyhow, my point is this: it broke my heart when he said he wouldn't mind my having an abortion. We then had a huge fight about it, and he backtracked somewhat and said he probably wouldn't be in favor of an abortion. I suppose it's a moot point because I'm on birth control and my chances of getting pregnant right now are about nil - but what he said still devastated me. We have a good marriage, all things considered, but I need thoughts on how to forgive right now. I'm just having a hard time tonight. Thanks for reading and I appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Chantilly_lace
Grammar

[Eggplant]

Anyhow, my point is this: it broke my heart when he said he wouldn't mind my having an abortion.

Why did it break your heart? What about his not minding breaks your heart? That he wouldn't immediately love your baby enough to want to have it?

[Chantilly_lace]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head - it hurt me because I always thought that, even though he doesn't want children, if an accident were to happen he would love the child. I mean, I always believed that he would place some value on a tiny life we had formed. I'm trying so hard to understand his position, but I just feel shattered tonight.

[Chantilly_lace]

Alexandria, I married him because in premarital counseling, we reached an agreement regarding children. He assured me that, even though he did not desire children, he would have them if I so desired. I would never deceive him and get pregnant "accidentally on purpose." That is not the type of person I am, and I never intend to be that way. I understand he doesn't desire children, but I was just shocked to find out he would be in favor of an abortion in case of birth control failure.

[Chantilly_lace]

Guys, I wish you'd read my response above concerning the specifics of my situation. I don't mind criticism, but I didn't go into this marriage brainlessly. What hurt me today was his views on abortion, not his views on not desiring children, which is old hat to me.

[Chantilly_lace]

Hey Alexandria, he wanted to get married but I had reservations because of his not wanting children. This is why we went to premarital counseling and reached an agreement. I didn't coerce this out of him in any way: it was all in the context of a discussion about whether we should marry. My understanding was that, should I desire children, he would accommodate and be a full parent. I desire children but think I could also live happily enough without them, as a career woman. Again I would never deceive or coerce him into anything, because I think that is vile. My dream was in the context of a complete an utter accident (no form of birth control 100% effective). It's not a surprise to me that he doesn't want kids: it's a surprise to me that he would accept abortion as an alternative in case of b/c failure.

[Chantilly_lace]

I think more than anything I just need somebody to talk to and bounce things off. I don't even mind people being critical or judgy - I'm tough enough to handle that too.

[Balzac]

Look, a dream sequence is no more a reality than your premarital agreement.

Until such time that you are pregnant, neither of you can predict your feelings.

 

Grieve your husband's reaction to your dream sequence and gather opinions on LS - it's not real.

[Chantilly_lace]

That does make sense, I mean, he was merely voicing support for what I had decided to do in my dream. And it is on par with his views. But he thought of having an abortion while married and able to afford children just seems so abhorrent to me.

[Balzac]

We each hold opinions and beliefs. It sounds like an anxiety dream to me.

I'm sure this emotional dilemma will present itself again and again.

[Balzac]

It's not unusual for highly educated, professional couples, wealth, got caught in the statistical oopsee, decide to terminate. They took action to prevent conception and they have the right to decide. Tough for many to understand but it's a very personal decision.

[Fightsforlove]

That does make sense, I mean, he was merely voicing support for what I had decided to do in my dream. And it is on par with his views. But he thought of having an abortion while married and able to afford children just seems so abhorrent to me.

 

What would have been horrible for him to say, would be,"If you got pregnant, I would divorce you or beat you unless you got an abortion."

 

What he said instead was,"I'd support you regardless of what you choose."

 

When it comes to pregnancy, you know you have a great guy when he won't judge you regardless of what choice you make in this area. I've asked my fiance about what his feelings about abortions are. He wants to have kids, but he reassured me that it was my body and he had no right to dictate to me what I did with my body. I said he was allowed to have an opinion on it though and his opinion was that he'd support anything I decided to do if we were ever in that situation.

 

I love him a whole lot for not wanting to ever force something on me.

[pink_sugar]

How old are both of you? Have you had this discussion before. It's important to know both sides views on having children as this can lead to issues down the road if you want children and he doesn't.