Bulimic narcisstic wife

[Harbourview]

Hello all,

 

I am after some input into my situation. I have been married to my wife for about three years. We have a 2 year old son. My wife is secretly bulimic And even though I know I have not brought the issue up because I know it will result in a very big argument and she will be blaming everyone for causing her to be this way. I have done some research and spoken to a psychologist about a personality disorder and it appears as though she has strong narcisstic traits.

 

I have had just about as much as I can take in this relationship and want

Out but want to do what's is best for my son.

 

Is it better to stay and be miserable and try to protect my son from the day to day rubbish that is in this marriage

 

OR

 

Is it better to separate and show my son there is more to life than what his mother offers. She doesn't like to go out or to have any involvent in the community and thus my son is not socialising with others all that much. I try to socialise him but work all week so can only try over the weekends. I understand that I could have custody of my son 2 days/nights at such a young age and at the age of about 4 kit should be equal time

 

Your thoughts and advice appreciated.

[amaysngrace]

If you can't speak to your wife about a problem that can be detrimental to her health and instead go to speak to a therapist on her behalf but don't share your knowledge with your wife then you're not really being a champ of a husband.

 

Who knows what's best for your son? You both sound a little whack to me.

[Harbourview]

The advice given to me by the therapist that I spoke to about my wife's issues was to not confront her about the bulimia because of her filthy temper. I am more than happy to help her if she asks for it.

 

The question I had was not about dealing with my wife's issues it's about what's best for my son

[Balzac]

Does the psychologist you consulted with do expert witnessing in court on criminal cases? Evaluate by complete psychological evaluation and testify in contested custody cases?

 

There is a huge difference in experience and training of psychologists.

 

Does your wife work?

[Balzac]

Most important is that you seek an experienced trial attorney, get expert psychological evaluation of you and your child - the court will order your wife to be evaluated. Seek the maximum access to your son. Remaining in the home is not your best decision. You'll be a more effective parent away from her.

 

I'm guessing your case will settle. Most do. It's in the preparation for trial that the court becomes informed of her mental health.

[amaysngrace]

The advice given to me by the therapist that I spoke to about my wife's issues was to not confront her about the bulimia because of her filthy temper. I am more than happy to help her if she asks for it.

 

I don't believe you. You said you don't want to bring it up because of how she'll respond and what she'll say but you've never had this conversation with her before so what...you're clairvoyant now?

 

Yeah....like I said...you both seem whack. Your son is going to have issues no matter who is raising him because your marriage is dysfunctional and you can't just escape blame. You're part of that dynamic too.

 

What are you going to do when your son has issues? Try to control him too by going to a therapist behind his back also but not sharing what you've learned?

[zoobadger]

If you can't speak to your wife about a problem that can be detrimental to her health and instead go to speak to a therapist on her behalf but don't share your knowledge with your wife then you're not really being a champ of a husband.

 

Who knows what's best for your son? You both sound a little whack to me.

 

If she's truly a narcissist, she'll respond with outrage to any discussion that includes even the gentlest criticism of her behavior or character.

 

Any problems in the relationship, her job, her family, and pretty much everything else are never her fault.

 

Narcissists are bullies, and have no recognition that other people could have valid viewpoints different from their own. Basically, imagine the worst boss, teacher, or other authority figure you've ever been victimized by and you've got an idea about his wife.

 

I'm not commenting on the psychologist's advice; simply pointing out that getting a genuine narcissist to modify their behavior is very nearly impossible. They are perfect and flawless in their own eyes so it's always the other guy that needs to shape up and change.

Edited July 29, 2013 by zoobadger

[CC12]

The advice given to me by the therapist that I spoke to about my wife's issues was to not confront her about the bulimia because of her filthy temper. I am more than happy to help her if she asks for it.

 

The question I had was not about dealing with my wife's issues it's about what's best for my son

 

Unless she's actively harming your son in some way, the best thing for your son is for him to have happy, healthy parents who care about each other at least enough to help each other out. Your son deserves a mentally healthy mother who isn't slowly killing herself.

 

Why don't you help her? Does she get violent? That's the only legitimate reason I can think of not to at least have a conversation with her about her problems and how they affect you and your son.

 

I'm surprised and a little saddened that your therapist told you she shows traits of NPD and advised you to do nothing about her bulimia. Did he/she also tell you that you should only help if your wife asks for it? Because sometimes people with problems can be in denial and think that their bulimia/alcoholism/other self-destructive behavior is totally fine and under control and of course they don't need help because they can stop whenever they want. Sometimes it takes their loved ones telling them "Yeah, look, you have a problem and need help" (but nicer) for them to realize it.

 

Your proposed options are to either stay with her to protect your son from her, or to end the marriage and leave him with her five days a week. If you feel your son needs protection from her, why is option #2 even on the table? And there are so many more options that you're not considering.

 

I know there's a lot more to this story that you haven't told us, and it would probably help if you give more details and clarify why you feel you only have those two options.

[lcwilson29]

Having spent 7 years with a bulimic narcissist, my advice would be to do anything to remove your child from the situation. My wife and her sister inherited their behaviours from their mother. Nurtured over years. All have issues with food and display the range of narcissistic behaviours including drinking heavily to block it all out. There's no talking about it. f you do, you can bet on an explosive argument in which you'll end up apologising. Effective projection means it's all pushed back on you. You can't help. Complete denial a problem exists. They have an ability to, over time, to draw you in.

 

Both you and your son deserve better than this. I don't want to seem negative but you really can't change her. She'll foster the same attitudes and behaviours in your son, isolate you both and the worst thing is, you'll think that your attempts to help may bare fruit.

 

I'm using therapy at the moment to cope with my situation. It took a few sessions before I realised just how much I'd put up with. The narcissist can be clever, manipulative and unpredictable. You may end up trying so hard to help, compromising yourself and your boy, only for a 'flip' episode to lead her to leave without warning, guilt free blaming you anyway.

 

Again, sorry if this sounds negative but my experience is recent.