whats this mean?

[Blondie]

I have gone through lots of changes over the past 4 years,

 

after realizing my marriage is in trouble and not working for me being a stay at home mom its been hard trying to get back in the world , I went through a really rough time for two years trying to deal with the fact that the dreams I had were dead and I would have to dream a new dream , I went through a period of depression , and started drinking for a awhile , all the time still married and crying every night and day bc I still loved him even though I knew by his actions that he cared little for me ,even seeing the pain I was going though he acted like it was something that would pass. I made a descision to start thinking of me and how I was gonna make a life for me and my kids without him ,I went to school (which he hated)and I like how I feel about myself I think I can do it on my own with a little help in finding the right job . I asked him for a seperation and he said no its his house as long as he pays the bills, at this point I have no money and leaving is not an option but I need time apart to get my feelings straightened out , I need to be able to think and feel with out his influences to make some very hard descisions,he doesn't seem to want me to have anytime to think, Everytime I try to talk to him he drowns me in his attempt to convience me that what I feel is wrong and what he thinks is the only thing that matters. When he is not here I feel great and feel like I can conquer the world , but when he is around me I feel little and small, what does this mean ? All I want is to have some time apart to make the right choice and to get to the real feelings of the matter, what it is like without him will tell me alot of what to do and where to go from here ,

 

If he is not willing to seperate what can I do ? I want to know if its time to move on ? life is too short to hang on to something that just isn't working, but I want to be sure . any help would be appreciated.

[Stargazer]

Hi Blondie,

 

You've answered your own post here. Yes it's definately time to move right on, don't even question that, you already that, clearly.

 

I admire you in that you've been able to tap into that part of you that's been squashed down by this co-dependant relationship. This part must have been very strong once, you are much stronger now than you think - I can only imagine what you were like before this. On the other hand you must accept responsibility for your part in this, identify and learn from your mistakes otherwise you will only go on to repeat your pattern - you let this happen to you, you let him treat you like this, why did you lose yourself?

 

Make this small part of you that is lovable, worthy and deserving of the very best in this life ALL of you again, it's your birthright. Go get her back, she's been suppressed for way too long. Self-love is like a muscle, the more you use it the more it will build up, you've started now keep going. You don't need this relationship in any way shape or form, it's run it's course and has no where else to go, take what you need to learn from it and let it go, it can never be what it once was (I dare say that you were only happy together for a very short time, the rest was arguments and resentment, right?).

 

Believe and remember this - the only reason you should ever have anyone in your life is if they ENHANCE it, if they don't you are far better off on your own.

 

You can and will conquer the world. Try and detach yourself when he is around, that's the only way you'll get through this till you move out, I know it's easier said than done but do try it, limit your contact, focus on YOUR positive feelings of conquering the world when you do have to be around him, don't let anything he says get beyond your wall, just let it bounce off you. Your children need to get out of this environment as well, it's giving them wrongful beliefs about love.

 

He can not stop you from getting a seperation, he can not stop you from moving out, he does NOT own you. He's using the money as a way to keep control, stay calm and collected in front of him, go about your business as if you are already seperated, don't tell him of your plans, it will only give him ammunition to keep the control going. Don't even try and talk to him any more, what's the point, it will achieve nothing. He's stuck in his own pitiful world which is where he wants you to stay - with him. Don't keep setting yourself up for him to tell you what you feel is wrong - it's not, you have every right to your feelings, they are NEVER wrong. He does not care, it's over and you owe him nothing.

 

Seek legal aid, they will point you in the right direction, go to social security and see what options you have financially, you do have them there. Yes it will be difficult and yes you have a long way to go (as in getting him out of your life, physically and emotionally and starting to feel really good about yourself). Take one step at a time and will get where you need to be. Go to the library, bookshops and get some books on dealing with this situation, I know that there are good books out there written by women who have been where you are and have a life now that gives them extreme satisfaction and joy.

 

Be sure, very sure, there is NO other decision or option for you.

 

*Warm Hugs to You*

[jenni]

why don't you check yourself and your kids into a shelter until you can get your own place? don't be afraid or ashamed to ask social services and also section 8 housing for help. it is not a hand out it is a hand up, to help you out, believe me i know from past experience similar to yours what a blessing it can be.........stay strong! you go girl!

Hi Blondie, You've answered your own post here. Yes it's definately time to move right on, don't even question that, you already that, clearly. I admire you in that you've been able to tap into that part of you that's been squashed down by this co-dependant relationship. This part must have been very strong once, you are much stronger now than you think - I can only imagine what you were like before this. On the other hand you must accept responsibility for your part in this, identify and learn from your mistakes otherwise you will only go on to repeat your pattern - you let this happen to you, you let him treat you like this, why did you lose yourself? Make this small part of you that is lovable, worthy and deserving of the very best in this life ALL of you again, it's your birthright. Go get her back, she's been suppressed for way too long. Self-love is like a muscle, the more you use it the more it will build up, you've started now keep going. You don't need this relationship in any way shape or form, it's run it's course and has no where else to go, take what you need to learn from it and let it go, it can never be what it once was (I dare say that you were only happy together for a very short time, the rest was arguments and resentment, right?). Believe and remember this - the only reason you should ever have anyone in your life is if they ENHANCE it, if they don't you are far better off on your own. You can and will conquer the world. Try and detach yourself when he is around, that's the only way you'll get through this till you move out, I know it's easier said than done but do try it, limit your contact, focus on YOUR positive feelings of conquering the world when you do have to be around him, don't let anything he says get beyond your wall, just let it bounce off you. Your children need to get out of this environment as well, it's giving them wrongful beliefs about love. He can not stop you from getting a seperation, he can not stop you from moving out, he does NOT own you. He's using the money as a way to keep control, stay calm and collected in front of him, go about your business as if you are already seperated, don't tell him of your plans, it will only give him ammunition to keep the control going. Don't even try and talk to him any more, what's the point, it will achieve nothing. He's stuck in his own pitiful world which is where he wants you to stay - with him. Don't keep setting yourself up for him to tell you what you feel is wrong - it's not, you have every right to your feelings, they are NEVER wrong. He does not care, it's over and you owe him nothing. Seek legal aid, they will point you in the right direction, go to social security and see what options you have financially, you do have them there. Yes it will be difficult and yes you have a long way to go (as in getting him out of your life, physically and emotionally and starting to feel really good about yourself). Take one step at a time and will get where you need to be. Go to the library, bookshops and get some books on dealing with this situation, I know that there are good books out there written by women who have been where you are and have a life now that gives them extreme satisfaction and joy.

 

Be sure, very sure, there is NO other decision or option for you. *Warm Hugs to You*

[Deejette]

I think it's great that you went to school and are making your life better. It takes courage to change and some people accept the "same old same old" because they fear the unknown and at least they know the misery and pain they are going through now.

 

But that is no way to live, and when you are an old lady looking back on your life, you will have a lot of regrets if you stay with a man who makes you feel small and worthless and who is so negative towards your attempts at bettering yourself.

 

Don't be afraid. When you take the first steps you will see how things will fall into place for you. Neither your kids or you will starve. We live in a wonderful country where there is support for women living under unhappy conditions. You should never be afraid of making things better. The only thing to fear is staying in the same miserable situation for the rest of your life.

why don't you check yourself and your kids into a shelter until you can get your own place? don't be afraid or ashamed to ask social services and also section 8 housing for help. it is not a hand out it is a hand up, to help you out, believe me i know from past experience similar to yours what a blessing it can be.........stay strong! you go girl!

[Blondie]

You sure know what your talking about , you have hit it dead on.

 

Thank you so much your bangin'

 

All I am gonna think of now is me and my children and the rest of my life .....Again Thanks your awesome!

[Stargazer]

You are so very welcome Blondie.

 

I was in a ugly volatile relationship once and only once. I learnt my lesson VERY, VERY well. I know it's got nothing to do with the other person, I know what their issues are and why they are the way they are. I studied a lot of books trying to understand what was in me that attracted that nightmare, what needs it served in me and what the dynamics of co-dependant realationships are.

 

Of course, you know it's purely about you and YOUR own issues about worth. I know exactly what I was like before getting hooked, what I was like during and the mess I was after. I've wept for that woman now.

 

Glad I could be of help, that makes me so happy.

 

You go get em girl! Keep us updated.

 

Happy New Year and Warm Hugs :-)