fairytale ending?

[wanttobesimple]

I remember reading somewhere that less than 5% of MM involved in an A actually leave their W. Anyone here is that 5%'s OW?

 

How was your journey like?

 

and when a MM come back after NC, did they say they will leave their W or they just want to continue the A?

[whereamigoing]

I believe the statistic you're referring to is Less than 5% of MM leave their wives and MARRY the OW.

 

I think it goes even further...married to AP for longer than 5 years. Can't recall the source.

[Lady2163]

In the late 1990s the statistic was: after a divorce, men remarried in six months, women in six years.

 

More men were liable to start dating while only separated than women

 

The professor that had the lecture on this went on to say that one reason for this was that men find single life too damn hard. And they want the luxury of clean clothes and house without having to do it themselves.

 

The reason if took women longer was usually due to having primary custody there wasn't time for dating and with the loss of income, funds were limited for entertainment.

 

I remember thinking: a lot of those quick marriages probably were romances starting during the first. Six months is not very long!

[cocorico]

I remember reading somewhere that less than 5% of MM involved in an A actually leave their W. Anyone here is that 5%'s OW?

 

There are a few fOW on LS who are now together with their fMM.

 

How was your journey like?

 

We has an A for a few years, decided we wanted more, made plans to be together, followed them and we are now together.

 

and when a MM come back after NC, did they say they will leave their W or they just want to continue the A?

 

We did not have NC.

[Got it]

I really take any stat but the infamous 3% stat with a major grain of a sand. It was based on a very limited pool of men of similar socioeconomic background, based on having been in an affair, divorcing and marrying their AP, and having been remarried for at least 5 years. So there is a wide pool of individuals that would not be counted in that number but doesn't mean that there isn't a "happy" ending.

 

My best advice is to ignore stats. I know, that is really hard. But since there is always an except to the rule, for each specific case the stats aren't really going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. Why someone divorces and why someone doesn't is a complex exercise that will tie in a large number of individualized reasons.

 

To answer you question, yes we both divorced during the affair and we are married now.

 

It does happen. We were broken up for awhile there as well. I just focused on my life, worked on healing my heart and put one foot in front of the other. I viewed it as I was walking, if he caught up and I was still interested then bully for him. If he was too slow then he was the fool and I had no interest in a fool. I knew I had a lot to offer in a relationship so I knew I was going to be happy again with or without a man in it.

 

Please take care of you and focus on your life. (((((())))))

[So happy together]

We were together for not quite a year before he left stbxw. We had definite plans in place and were working toward one another the entire time. When the Dday hit, he left.

 

I think stats are crap. Part of this is perpetuated , IMO, because some don't want to admit it happens. And more than we all know.

 

We never went NC either. In fact, to be honest, when he left, the transition was fairly smooth. Don't get me wrong, there were hurdles, but compared to what some go through, it went really well.

 

I don't know what makes some men leave and some not leave. But it happens. Some do.

[MissBee]

Before I read any of the comments I wagered someone would say "It happens more than we care to admit" or something of the sort...and so said, so done. I wonder about this phrase...as it of course puts the idea out there that it's a conspiracy to keep the truth of all the success from everyone lol...when I doubt that is the case. Even if it is "more than we know" or "want to admit" (although I personally have no issue with "admitting" anything so would see no reason to deny it), how much more? Without knowing, it could be even less than we like to admit.

 

I have no idea the percentage of MM who leave to be with their APs and how long those affair turned marriages or open Rs last.

 

However, I would be willing to make an intelligent guess that even if the number is not 3% it probably isn't 50% or any statistically significant number like that. But as Got It said, statistics won't change your situation...but your specific MM and situation will tell what will happen for you. On LS and every other OW forum I have visited, there has always been more people who did not get the "fairytale" than those who did though, so that gives an idea of what is generally the norm, whether you'll fall into the norm or be one who gets the ending you desire depends on your situation.

Edited July 29, 2013 by MissBee

[Eggplant]

Of the 5% who do marry, I wonder for how many of them the marriage is a fairy tale. I couldn't continue with the man I loved, even after his family contacted me to tell me I would be accepted, because he was capable of lying to me about his marital status and capable of betraying his wife. I didn't trust the man, and I couldn't be responsible for destroying his marriage and the unity of his children's family. Plus the label of OW would never have gone away. I shouldn't have to crush another woman and innocent children for my own happiness. That would have been no fairy tale. I am not saying that no OW ever has a fairy tale, but there are barriers to the fairy tale even if you do marry.

[So happy together]

I don't think it's 50%.

 

But I think it's more than three.

 

Also... I often wonder about couples who never marry. I don't know if I would ever marry again.

[bentleychic]

I am not saying that no OW ever has a fairy tale, but there are barriers to the fairy tale even if you do marry.

 

 

That's kind of every marriage, though, isn't it? Every marriage has it's own stresses and trials and tribulations to deal with. Granted, one resulting from an A may have MORE due to how they came together. I really don't know.

 

I do know several people that had an A with a MM/MW and ended up happily married to the WS. One a VERY close relative of mine (married for like 15yrs now) and one a boss. I do know it happens.

[MissBee]

That's kind of every marriage, though, isn't it? Every marriage has it's own stresses and trials and tribulations to deal with. Granted, one resulting from an A may have MORE due to how they came together. I really don't know.

 

I do know several people that had an A with a MM/MW and ended up happily married to the WS. One a VERY close relative of mine (married for like 15yrs now) and one a boss. I do know it happens.

 

Of course it happens...how often is the question. You said several though and named 2 couples.

 

But to respond to the OP's question: if you look around the forum it seems like indeed many MM come back after NC wanting to restart the A. Summer Breeze's exMM, if I remember correctly, did come back after years of NC and scanned his divorce papers with proof he was done with his marriage. Not many actually do that though, it seems most just want to rekindle the A versus start a new relationship after divorcing post-NC.

[Eggplant]

That's kind of every marriage, though, isn't it? Every marriage has it's own stresses and trials and tribulations to deal with. Granted, one resulting from an A may have MORE due to how they came together. I really don't know.

No, I don't think so. That kind of colossal guilt burden is not normal. It was too much for me, anyway.

 

I do know several people that had an A with a MM/MW and ended up happily married to the WS. One a VERY close relative of mine (married for like 15yrs now) and one a boss. I do know it happens.

Okay, I'll take your word for it.

[bentleychic]

One very close relative left her BS for another man. They've been married for 15yrs.

 

Boss and her MM left their spouses for each other and got married. They've been together a few years.

 

Another close relative left her BS and married OM. They are no longer together, but she's a nut case, anyway.

 

I'll have to think of how many more that I know. I also know examples of the opposite, too, though soooo...I do know it CAN happen, just isn't a likely outcome.

[MissBee]

One very close relative left her BS for another man. They've been married for 15yrs.

 

Boss and her MM left their spouses for each other and got married. They've been together a few years.

 

Another close relative left her BS and married OM. They are no longer together, but she's a nut case, anyway.

 

I'll have to think of how many more that I know. I also know examples of the opposite, too, though soooo...I do know it CAN happen, just isn't a likely outcome.

 

And I think that's the point...it's not that it can't happen. One would be foolish to say it NEVER happens, it's about how likely it is. In the 9th grade in my statistics and probability class, if I never learned anything, I did learn a life lesson, which is the difference between impossible and zero probability. Long story short: not many things are impossible, so it's about whether it is high or low or zero probability.

[ladydesigner]

Both of my parents were married when they started their A with each other and they left their immediate spouses for each other. The transition was not welcome or kind to my mother. My mother also went on to have 3 more A's, so not sure if that constitutes a happy ending, but they did end up together and have been together for 40 years.

[Got it]

How many dating relationships end up in marriages that are fairy tales? How many marriages in general are fairy tales? What constitutes a fairy tale?

 

To me a fairy tale is based on a very old, medieval time story to scare small children and keep women in their place and usually ended up with someone being maimed, killed, or some other horrid ending. No thank you, no fairy tales for me.

 

Now if we are talking the Disney version, sure everything is better with Disney, but not really real life either. Might as well be chick movies as well.

 

My relationship is no fairy tale. I promise you that. It has many highs and many lows and lots of struggles. We are a good team, we power through, we keep on trying, we keep on appreciating. It isn't perfect, it ain't no fairy tale. I don't want a fairy tale.

[canuckprincess]

IMO every bs wants us ow to believe that their husbands will never leave therefore we should just walk away. Well to be honest if and when I walk away it will be when I'm darn good and ready and not a moment before. Just because some bogus statistic says it will never happen.

[sad puppy]

Our affair lasted for 20 months. I left on New Year's Day 2012 and told him we were done. He had moved out four months prior to that. I had had it altogether. He called mid June, and I suspect he was sort of fishing around to see where I was at. Even though he'd had moved out, I was still pissed. We have had very low contact for the last year, he has asked me out about five times and I have said no. He has filed for divorce and it should be final in a couple months. Lately, we had a couple very long talks. We've decided to very slowly talk and see if we can hash out our issues. He knows I am not seeing him until his divorce is final, and I'm not even sure that I will.

 

On one hand, I know there is a connection between us. On the other hand, I think he needs to continue to work on his issues, he's been seeing a therapist on and off for last couple of years. But most of all, there are a lot of hurt feelings. He just didn't handle things well. He did confess. And holy smokes, it created some real problems for him. He's a dope, they had already agreed to part ways. It was unnecessary.

 

Anyway, I'm not convinced we can make it for the long haul. I've kept him at bay. I don't know what will happen. I'm conflicted. I feel he had a good shot with me, and he dragged his feet, and was wishy washy for a long time. Now, for the last year he wants to get together, and for me, I think it might set me back, emotionally, so I'm not agreeing to see him. Time will tell, but there's a lot of hurt feelings here.

[Goodbye]

Camilla and Charles?

[Lady2163]

Camilla and Charles?

 

Okay, that made me laugh.

 

One thing about statistics is, where did they get the people to ask the questions?

 

Let's say a college is doing a study on extra marital cheating? More than likely they advertise somewhere looking for participants. Actually, more than likely to keep it a blind study, they ask married people questions on a variety of topics.

 

I know a couple that have been married for 35 years. They had an affair while married to other people. After both divorced, the woman took a job 30 miles away. They married, built a house almost halfway and restarted their lives with new friends, new church, new social circle. Sure, some people may have eventually learned about how they met, but they didn't promote it.

[MissBee]

I was about to say....how does it profit a BS to tell canuckprincess that, if her MM isn't that BS's husband?

 

In any case, you're not spiting any BSs by being an everlasting OW. If your particular BS doesn't know about you and her husband is still with her, then she isn't caring about you one bit. If she knows about you and stays, well that's her choice and HIS. So everybody is where they want to be.

Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Goodbye]

Okay, that made me laugh.

 

One thing about statistics is, where did they get the people to ask the questions?

 

Let's say a college is doing a study on extra marital cheating? More than likely they advertise somewhere looking for participants. Actually, more than likely to keep it a blind study, they ask married people questions on a variety of topics.

 

I know a couple that have been married for 35 years. They had an affair while married to other people. After both divorced, the woman took a job 30 miles away. They married, built a house almost halfway and restarted their lives with new friends, new church, new social circle. Sure, some people may have eventually learned about how they met, but they didn't promote it.

 

 

Yes, well I put it here to make people laugh..although it does show that what started out as "taboo" can become not only socially acceptable but embraced. I have heard of many AP's who become "real" couples. I think we read this forum and ascertain that most affairs are cake eating nightmares. But...the individuals who have affairs turned into relationships are probably not scouring the web for support and posting their anger and sadness online.

 

That being said...I'm one of the affairs gone wrong and fall into the majority statistic. Oh well.

 

In my graduate studies I spent a lot of time analyzing stats and I can tell you this: you can create a statistical outcome for pretty much anything. Don't read too much into statistics.

[So happy together]

For every stat there is another somewhere that disproves it.

[canuckprincess]

Interesting word choice- Fairytale ending-in the statistically unlikely event the MM leaves for the OW he will leave behind a broken household and begin a life built on a lie-not really a fairytale-

 

Chances are they are not happy households the ws is leaving behind. Happily married men shouldn't have the need to lead a double life of cheating and deception. Staying in a marriage with someone you are no longer in love with is by far worse then leaving in the pursuit of happiness.

[fanine]

Chances are they are not happy households the ws is leaving behind. Happily married men shouldn't have the need to lead a double life of cheating and deception. Staying in a marriage with someone you are no longer in love with is by far worse then leaving in the pursuit of happiness.

 

I agree. People get hurt far more this way. I know I had to get divorced. I had tried to work on it with my partner, but nothing was getting better. I knew I was beginning to get tempted by other men. I knew I had to get out of it before that happened, before others got involved, before the pain would be greater for all. Also I think having kids growing up in a loveless household is criminal - it will affect their emotional development.

 

I found out my dad was having an affair when I was 13, by accident. It totally changed my view of him, I saw how upset my mum got with the silent calls and poison pen letters - and it made me fearful of boys until I was about 19. I feared what they wanted me for, what they would do to me, I could not trust anyone. I wish my parents had separated. I found out again when I was 18 another affair by my dad. He never knew I knew all this - but it had a profound affect on me....