canuckprincess Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I agree. People get hurt far more this way. I know I had to get divorced. I had tried to work on it with my partner, but nothing was getting better. I knew I was beginning to get tempted by other men. I knew I had to get out of it before that happened, before others got involved, before the pain would be greater for all. Also I think having kids growing up in a loveless household is criminal - it will affect their emotional development. I found out my dad was having an affair when I was 13, by accident. It totally changed my view of him, I saw how upset my mum got with the silent calls and poison pen letters - and it made me fearful of boys until I was about 19. I feared what they wanted me for, what they would do to me, I could not trust anyone. I wish my parents had separated. I found out again when I was 18 another affair by my dad. He never knew I knew all this - but it had a profound affect on me.... I'm sorry as a child you had to suffer for the selfish acts of adults. My dad married his ow and was married to her until she died a few months ago, they were married for over 30 years. Mind you as a kid I loved my step mom and my mother was able to work through the betrayal and was by her side right till the end. I should point out my mom is unlike most, she is the most forgiving non judgemental person on the planet. I'm pretty sure most bs's would not be as forgiving as my mom. I grew up knowing my dad was a cheater but he was still a good father, who he slept with truly wasn't my business and still isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I'm divorced and I'd rather my precious little boy be from a broken home then to live in one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I'm divorced and I'd rather my precious little boy be from a broken home then to live in one. I don't have kids, but I think that is an amazing statement. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I don't have kids, but I think that is an amazing statement. Thank you, my boy is almost 9 and has never heard adults fight in the home. Of course unless its me yelling at him lol. He is by far one of the best kids his age around, well mannered and very respectful. So you don't need two parents in the home to raise a child, you just need one really awesome one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Why do majority of people write as if it's always about a MM and OW. There are those of us who are OM...with MW as our AP. Just curious because I'm often intrigued if you as females (majority I see posting) see a difference in the end result or anything in the process. Curious...because I guess I know I don't think like a woman might and I respect the opinions or perspectives expressed from the females on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Why do majority of people write as if it's always about a MM and OW. There are those of us who are OM...with MW as our AP. Just curious because I'm often intrigued if you as females (majority I see posting) see a difference in the end result or anything in the process. Curious...because I guess I know I don't think like a woman might and I respect the opinions or perspectives expressed from the females on here. I suppose I generalize based on the majority...being OW/MM. I have read on here and elsewhere that MW are more likely to leave a marriage during/after an affair, so I guess you have better odds? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Why do majority of people write as if it's always about a MM and OW. There are those of us who are OM...with MW as our AP. Just curious because I'm often intrigued if you as females (majority I see posting) see a difference in the end result or anything in the process. Curious...because I guess I know I don't think like a woman might and I respect the opinions or perspectives expressed from the females on here. Sorry, Zev...I do try to include om in a lot of my posts. But I am an ow. If I had met the right man while married, I would have left my husband. No, I wouldn't have told him about the affair. Yes, I would have kept it secret until the divorce was final. Plus, I would (and did ) have moved as soon as I could. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks ladies...not trying to be a jerk....I just really do appreciate your perspectives as the opposite sex. I think there are differences simply due to the nature of being opposite sex, but also whether one works or doesn't...whether one is the provider financially vs the home...I'm not trying to assign gender roles...but I'm sure every situation has different circumstances...and on top of that we as male/female perhaps think different and are motivated by different things. The moves me make perhaps have different catalysts. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 IMO every bs wants us ow to believe that their husbands will never leave therefore we should just walk away. Well to be honest if and when I walk away it will be when I'm darn good and ready and not a moment before. Just because some bogus statistic says it will never happen. Gotta watch those "every's" things aren't always so black and white Okay I am a BS that has been through multiple DDays and multiple broken NC with same MOW. Of course as a wife I would prefer my WH not to leave me. I love him, we have kids together, we are best friends of 17 years, and I have honestly seen the worst and the best of this man, BUT he has not been honest nor faithful to me. I do not believe my WH will never leave and it works the same with me, I can chose to D over his infidelities any day I wish. There are no guarantees in relationships, marriages or even in life. One thing I did know for sure on the last DDay we had #4, was that I wanted him to leave me for her. I was in such emotional pain from trying to R to being in false r and over and over again, it became enough for me. I had a complete mental breakdown. And from that point on my WH has not been my focus anymore. He is not the center of the universe. I am 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks ladies...not trying to be a jerk....I just really do appreciate your perspectives as the opposite sex. I think there are differences simply due to the nature of being opposite sex, but also whether one works or doesn't...whether one is the provider financially vs the home...I'm not trying to assign gender roles...but I'm sure every situation has different circumstances...and on top of that we as male/female perhaps think different and are motivated by different things. The moves me make perhaps have different catalysts. Generally men and women do communicate differently, but then there will always be exceptions...women generally will want to talk things through, while generally men are less likely to want to chat like that. I know my MM puts up a wall often and goes silent as soon as he thinks something stressful is happening. Which is obviously the worst reaction as that makes me try to contact him more to say WTF is this all about! But I guess there are plenty of women who will do the silent treatment and going into their cave things as well... Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Generally men and women do communicate differently, but then there will always be exceptions...women generally will want to talk things through, while generally men are less likely to want to chat like that. I know my MM puts up a wall often and goes silent as soon as he thinks something stressful is happening. Which is obviously the worst reaction as that makes me try to contact him more to say WTF is this all about! But I guess there are plenty of women who will do the silent treatment and going into their cave things as well... This is what's called conflict avoidant. A lot of MM are this way my WH included. It's actually a bad way of coping and causes a lot of issues within a relationship or M. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 This is what's called conflict avoidant. A lot of MM are this way my WH included. It's actually a bad way of coping and causes a lot of issues within a relationship or M. Totally agree. I think this has been one of the worst things. It makes me rage inside when he goes silent on me. I had this all yesterday and I have not bothered contacting again. I am pissed enough though that when he tries to come back, usually I would not even mention it all. But this time I have had enough. I don't feel like responding...I have nothing to say he hasn't heard before, which he simply ignores and always tries to shift the blame on to me...saying I am the drama queen. Yet he creates the drama by acting in such a childish way... I also think it is stupid though. If I really got mad enough, surely he would risk the fact I would go around to his house to get a reaction, a reply?? I mean I wouldn't but some people would if treated like that... Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 That's part of what MW likes about me...i wear my heart on my sleeve..have no problem talking about my feelings or emotions towards her or a situation. I'm not weak by nature...but I have nothing to hide. I also enjoy listening to her...can't say that is true for all women..but love listening to her..and I don't get tired of it....and I have with others I've dated etc...so it is different. She does most of the talking when she's happy...I listen more....but in the imbalance...trying to end things and go our separate ways...i find it is me who has been more open and talking...and her going silent. Often for long periods of time. Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 That's part of what MW likes about me...i wear my heart on my sleeve..have no problem talking about my feelings or emotions towards her or a situation. I'm not weak by nature...but I have nothing to hide. I also enjoy listening to her...can't say that is true for all women..but love listening to her..and I don't get tired of it....and I have with others I've dated etc...so it is different. She does most of the talking when she's happy...I listen more....but in the imbalance...trying to end things and go our separate ways...i find it is me who has been more open and talking...and her going silent. Often for long periods of time. Sucks doesnt it. The silent stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 That's part of what MW likes about me...i wear my heart on my sleeve..have no problem talking about my feelings or emotions towards her or a situation. I'm not weak by nature...but I have nothing to hide. I also enjoy listening to her...can't say that is true for all women..but love listening to her..and I don't get tired of it....and I have with others I've dated etc...so it is different. She does most of the talking when she's happy...I listen more....but in the imbalance...trying to end things and go our separate ways...i find it is me who has been more open and talking...and her going silent. Often for long periods of time. Groan, I know what you mean. I can listen to MM for hours (we've had car trips) and not get tired. Then there are dates I've been on where I would probably like the guy if he'd just shut up. I'm such a dork, I like watching him work. All I usually see is when he and I are together. I've been able to be in the crowd when he's given presentations and I like to see how he interacts with others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) Chances are they are not happy households the ws is leaving behind. Happily married men shouldn't have the need to lead a double life of cheating and deception. Staying in a marriage with someone you are no longer in love with is by far worse then leaving in the pursuit of happiness. That's assuming all affairs are about being out of love and finding love and happiness elsewhere.... Many stories exists of the cheating spouse leaving and going on to be in an open R with their AP...only to continue cheating. In those cases, it has little to do with pursuing happiness, but clearly, this person has the wrong idea about happiness and uses stepping out of their relationship secretly as a means to rectify it...since tons of unhappy people don't go that route, those who do, something about them makes them choose that way of dealing with their "unhappiness" and others aren't even unhappy, but have no boundaries and believe in variety. The problem is many APs simply assume it's a one time thing, maybe it is, but for some people it's just their way of dealing and sorry no matter how nice, understanding, sexy, in love he is with you, one day, things may not be that way, through no fault of your own, and he chooses to respond by going that route. I agree with the poster that said that fairy tale is an interesting word choice, I don't think any of it will be a fairy tale. Can an A turned open work and be good? I'm sure...but fairy tale? Well that's something else entirely and save for one OW here who paints it as such, most others who have had that happen and have been together legitimately for a while attest to it not being a fairy tale but it comes with its own struggles and residuals from how it started. Some go on to cheat again, some go on to cheat with their former BS whom they were supposedly running from smh, some aren't cheating but the fear of it exists and causes paranoia and drama. Lots of outcomes are possible, some good, some bad, some horrific, but fairy tale and the perfection and smooth sailing it implies is a stretch. Edited July 30, 2013 by MissBee 5 Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Groan, I know what you mean. I can listen to MM for hours (we've had car trips) and not get tired I think part of this is that the stress of "real life" ie-bills, kids, a broken AC are not part of that relationship- I know for my husband he said he kind of liked the break of not having every convo also include lifes little stresses- we have worked on making sure we have real convo about things not related to the stress of everyday life- I think this is an intelligent observation. I don't dismiss the feelings I have for the woman. But out relationship definitely doesn't have the same every day issues of normal life. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 We were NC and when he came back he wanted to continue the affair but with sexual exclusivity (for both of us). Years later he has now left his wife and we are having "a fairytale ending". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 We were NC and when he came back he wanted to continue the affair but with sexual exclusivity (for both of us). Years later he has now left his wife and we are having "a fairytale ending". And what does that mean exactly? Are you living together? How is the family taking everything? Please elaborate on what for you consists of a fairy tale ending....as in my opinion, a MM simply leaving doesn't constitute a fairy tale and certainly not an "ending", btw, you weren't he one to use the term fairy tale ending, so that isn't on you, but since you cosigned to it, I'm curious about what that means for you in concrete terms. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I think part of this is that the stress of "real life" ie-bills, kids, a broken AC are not part of that relationship- I know for my husband he said he kind of liked the break of not having every convo also include lifes little stresses- we have worked on making sure we have real convo about things not related to the stress of everyday life- I must have not read that part of the "A rule book". MM and I talk about EVERYTHING. Finances (he's even helped me make a budget), issues with our own kids, car problems, work issues. I seriously cannot think of one thing or issue that we haven't discussed. I talk about everything with him that I ever talked about with my exH when we were married and I feel like he talks about everything with me. (I will say that he does NOT criticize his wife or put her down. THAT is not something that we do and any time he's said she was upset w/ him over X, I've usually sided with her opinion. hahaha) I'm another that could listen to him talk for hours, about nothing or everything and he does the same with me (give that man a trophy b/c I ramble a lot about EVERYTHING! LOL) Edited July 30, 2013 by bentleychic Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I think it's one thing to talk about the bills, kids and other life stresses but it's a whole 'nother thing to actually deal with those things together. By deal, I mean, for example, it's one thing to tell the OP about how exhausting it is to have to pick the kids up from day care everyday... anyone can talk to someone about that, however, it is a completely different thing to share in and live through those life stresses... you can only really do that with your spouse/SO (unless there is some dynamic where you have the OP doing things like that, in which case....) and that is one of the differences I see in affairs and out-in-the open relationships. I think that is also a part of the allure, like Stronger said, it's kind of like a break for them. For however long, they don't have to 'deal' with what's happening in their life that might be causing stress or worry or whatever it might be that WS is using as an excuse for the affair. Edited July 30, 2013 by sweet_pea 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I think it's one thing to talk about the bills, kids and other life stresses but it's a whole 'nother thing to actually deal with those things together. I think that is also a part of the allure, like Stronger said, it's kind of like a break for them. For however long, they don't have to 'deal' with what's happening in their life that might be causing stress or worry or whatever it might be that WS is using as an excuse for the affair. Oh, that's definitely true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 And what does that mean exactly? Are you living together? How is the family taking everything? Please elaborate on what for you consists of a fairy tale ending....as in my opinion, a MM simply leaving doesn't constitute a fairy tale and certainly not an "ending", btw, you weren't he one to use the term fairy tale ending, so that isn't on you, but since you cosigned to it, I'm curious about what that means for you in concrete terms. Oh lordy, I was just using it as a summarizing/short-cutting term since it was used in the OP. Did you notice the quotation marks? They mean you should not take the term too seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 But is it a fairy tale ending...as I recall he has children.... When the prince gets the princess it is indeed a fairy tale ending. So yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) Oh lordy, I was just using it as a summarizing/short-cutting term since it was used in the OP. Did you notice the quotation marks? They mean you should not take the term too seriously. Ahh hence I asked you if you could elaborate on what it means for you...and I already said you weren't the one to initially use the term, so wanted to know what your fairy tale ending encompasses, if you're living together now, has the family accepted you and him as a new couple, are you engaged or what? Anyway, if you decline to elaborate that's fine as well. Edited July 31, 2013 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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