family mad because I can't my grandmother to appointmentt

[MuscleCarFan]

My grandmother called and I completely forgot that I had promised to take her to a doctor's appt tomorrow in the morning. It had completely slipped my mind and other wise I would have called ahead. She ends up crying and freaking out because she has a broken shoulder and she can't drive. My grandmother ends up freaking out and crying (no surprise) because I can't take her.

 

I can't take her because I am broke and I can't afford it!!!

 

It's that freakin' simple!

 

Yet, I have to hear from my cousin "N" that he heard from his mom (my aunt) that my grandmother was crying about it because I couldn't take her to the doctor's appt on Monday.

 

I find this highly irritating being told to "get my **** together and get my priorities straight." Well my priority is keeping a roof over my head since I am scraping by! No one seems very understanding when you work part time for little pay it is very hard to get by. Plus my grandmother says to "take the bus." The bus costs money (i do not have) along with no direct route and there wouldn't be one running at 11pm at night when I get off work.

 

I really don't know what to do any more.

[CC12]

I really don't know what to do any more.

 

You could stick to the promises you make, or not make promises in the first place?

 

I'm not sure why you're so surprised that people are mad at you for not taking your grandmother to the doctor when you said you would. She was relying on you to take her and now she has to scramble at the last minute to find another way. She has every right to "cry and freak out," because you screwed her over and left her in a very stressful position.

 

And now you're getting an attitude and you're "highly irritated" that other people are calling you on your poor decisions? Come on. You ****ed up. Whoever told you to get your **** together and your priorities straight was right on the money. You should be more apologetic instead of being so indignant and acting like you did nothing wrong.

[MuscleCarFan]

Yeah, I realize that. I wish I hadn't forgotten so this stupid blow up would have never happened!

[pink_sugar]

I agree about not making promises. I told him he shouldn't have made a commitment, but rather have told her he'd try to see if he could do it and then say he'd let her know a few days before whether he can or can't. In the meantime, that gives her plenty of time to make other arrangements. I also agree that he should have apologized for the one time oversight.

 

Although I think her response was unwarranted. He's been pretty dedicated to helping her out as well as the rest of his family, it's not like this is a regular basis issue. I posted a thread about her in the ranks section. When he went to get her from the airport in the middle of the day, she complained about how he drove, how late he was (the flight was early and the airline didn't adjust the arrival time on her website. She has a cell phone, so she should have called when the plane landed) amongst other things. She should be appreciative he took the time to come and get her, not complain the whole time. Someone making a one-time slip up doesn't warrant outside family members to call you and to start probing your business. It's between he and his grandmother, not other random people. He said he couldn't take her because he didn't want to ask her for gas money, she completely flips out.

 

In my family, my grandparents each help out their kids and grandkids with a few bucks for their time and gas in exchange for helping them out. My family is also poor, but it really shows that they really value showing their appreciation. My husband has no issue whatsoever helping her out, so she shouldn't get in a tiffy about a few bucks for gas. Unlike my family, his grandmother is pretty well off living in an upscale retirement community, so a few bucks for gas/time should not be an issue, especially when someone is doing you a lot of favors.

 

I get your point though, I told him he shouldn't make commitments, especially knowing she gets in a tiffy about helping with gas costs. Can't afford it? Don't make promises.

Edited July 29, 2013 by pink_sugar

[CC12]

Unsolicited Advice Time:

 

OP, if driving her around is an irritating experience because she's rude about it, then don't give her a ride.

 

Here are some ways you can say no:

 

"Sorry, Gran, I can't give you a ride because last time I did you complained incessantly and didn't appreciate the favor I did for you."

 

Or to be nicer: "Sorry, Gran, I'm busy that day."

 

Or as a compromise: "Sorry, Gran, I can't take you to the doctor, because I can't afford the extra gas. but if you could chip in 5 bucks (or whatever is fair, no exaggerating the amount) so I can pay for the gas to get us there and back, I think I'll be able to take you."

 

If she freaks out about that, simply say, "Sorry I couldn't help." There. Done. You offered what you could. That's all you can do.

 

Don't bend over backward to help people who won't work with you or if you'll end up resenting it.

 

 

My husband has no issue whatsoever helping her out, so she shouldn't get in a tiffy about a few bucks for gas. Unlike my family, his grandmother is pretty well off living in an upscale retirement community, so a few bucks for gas/time should not be an issue, especially when someone is doing you a lot of favors.

 

You know how you guys didn't like it when she and others told you that you're spending your money the wrong way? What you did in the above paragraph was essentially the same thing. You formed an opinion on what she can and can't afford, based on your limited knowledge of her income. Both you are basically saying about the other, "What's the big deal? Why can't they just cover the gas?" You have no idea what her expenses are, just like she has no idea about yours. Neither of you should be making judgments about the other's financial situation.

[Els]

Errr...

 

Could you not have handled this with a, "I'd love to, grandma, but I'm short on money and can't afford the extra gas to take you. I'll come if you pay for it." ?

 

I agree that making a promise and then 'forgetting' was pretty darn scummy, but not having any money is a legitimate reason. It isn't at all unreasonable to expect her to chip in on gas if you're fetching her somewhere.

[TigerCub]

Yeah, I realize that. I wish I hadn't forgotten so this stupid blow up would have never happened!

 

I'm confused.

On the one hand you claim that you forgot about taking her

On the other you go on about how you couldn't afford to take her

 

which is it?

 

So even if you remembered - wouldn't you still be broke and unable to take her?

 

With regards to the bus comment - you say that a bus still costs money - how much money?

and you also go on to say that buses don't run after you get off work at 11pm - was grandma going to the doctor's that late?

[pink_sugar]

Errr...

 

Could you not have handled this with a, "I'd love to, grandma, but I'm short on money and can't afford the extra gas to take you. I'll come if you pay for it." ?

 

I agree that making a promise and then 'forgetting' was pretty darn scummy, but not having any money is a legitimate reason. It isn't at all unreasonable to expect her to chip in on gas if you're fetching her somewhere.

 

Yeah, he did this last time (the airport scenario) and she got into a iffy about giving him a few bucks for gas for fetching her from the airport. The second time he took her somewhere in her car. This would have been the third time. Knowing she is this way, I told him he shouldn't promise her anything or agree to take her each time.

[pink_sugar]

I'm confused.

On the one hand you claim that you forgot about taking her

On the other you go on about how you couldn't afford to take her

 

which is it?

 

So even if you remembered - wouldn't you still be broke and unable to take her?

 

With regards to the bus comment - you say that a bus still costs money - how much money?

and you also go on to say that buses don't run after you get off work at 11pm - was grandma going to the doctor's that late?

 

From what I understood, she called him the day before and it had slipped his mind when she had called to remind him. At that point, we only had enough gas to get to and from work the following day when she had the appointment. I think his grandmother was implying that we both take the bus to and from work (not to fetch her) but not sure. Busses here are $2 per bus. $2 in gas could have gotten him to fetch her, bus wouldn't make sense either way. It wouldn't have been an issue if she was willing to pay for gas.

 

 

EDIT*: Apparently, his grandmother told him later in second phone call, after freaking out...that she would have chipped in for gas. Well, if she had said that in the first phone call when he said he didn't have enough gas (instead of calling up several relatives to call my husband)....this whole thing wouldn't have gotten so blown up and he could have taken her. >_<

Edited July 30, 2013 by pink_sugar

[setsenia]

It sounds like your family hasn't encountered extreme hardship, which is common for so many these days. A lot of people chalk it up to poor budgeting skills, but with the cost of living getting higher and, lack of full time jobs and wages staying the same, a lot of people are suffering. It sucks when someone has done a lot for you and you lack financial means to return the favor. You simply could say "I would love to help you out, grandma, but unfortunately, things are tight right now and therefore I can only drive to work and back at this time. If you are okay with chipping in a few bucks for gas, I don't mind taking you where you need to go." Plain and simple...no need to go into your financial business.

 

If other extended relatives want to know why you cannot take grandma, keep it simple and short with little room for questioning and probing. "Unfortunately, things are tight right now, so I cannot take her each time, but I am more than willing to help out sometimes if she can help with a few bucks for gas." That's it, no details need to be given. If they want more information or to lecture you further, say you would prefer not to get into details. You don't need to be rude, but you need to be firm.

 

I could understand their reasoning if you flaked out all the time, but it sounds like it was a one-time incident...which does not make it okay for them to start sticking their noses in and lecturing you.

Edited July 30, 2013 by setsenia

[Fugu]

I think the issue is you forgot and now you're feeling the brunt of being in everyone's doghouse. Own up to it, apologize, and try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm not doubting that you're in a financial bind right now, but that's not what caused the mishap. Those are independent of each other, so you can conflate the two things.

[TigerCub]

From what I understood, she called him the day before and it had slipped his mind when she had called to remind him. At that point, we only had enough gas to get to and from work the following day when she had the appointment. I think his grandmother was implying that we both take the bus to and from work (not to fetch her) but not sure. Busses here are $2 per bus. $2 in gas could have gotten him to fetch her, bus wouldn't make sense either way. It wouldn't have been an issue if she was willing to pay for gas.

 

 

EDIT*: Apparently, his grandmother told him later in second phone call, after freaking out...that she would have chipped in for gas. Well, if she had said that in the first phone call when he said he didn't have enough gas (instead of calling up several relatives to call my husband)....this whole thing wouldn't have gotten so blown up and he could have taken her. >_<

 

I'm sorry, I am by no means rich or anything, but I can't imagine having money be so tight that I can't afford a $2 trip or to afford to fill up my car.

 

That has got to be such a difficult way to live.

I hope that thinks pick up for you guys soon.

 

Do you both work part time?

Is getting a second part time job something either of you has considered?

[pink_sugar]

I'm sorry, I am by no means rich or anything, but I can't imagine having money be so tight that I can't afford a $2 trip or to afford to fill up my car.

 

That has got to be such a difficult way to live.

I hope that thinks pick up for you guys soon.

 

Do you both work part time?

Is getting a second part time job something either of you has considered?

 

Thanks for understanding. It's because this area is one of the most expensive places to live in the nation. We'd like to move, but we can't without jobs lined up elsewhere. Yeah, we both work close to 30 hours a week on average. We've both been looking for either full time or other part time jobs. In my field, there are telecommuting opportunities. Had an interview for one last week, but unfortunately they went with another applicant. Although I would have felt bad taking it and then quitting when I find something full time. Easier for MCF since he works nights, but harder for me since I work a 9-5 type job and my current employer is very strict on not altering my schedule to accommodate a second job...even though the type of work I do can be done any time of day or even at home. I have a lead for a full time position coming up...3rd interview and hoping for the best!

[TigerCub]

Thanks for understanding. It's because this area is one of the most expensive places to live in the nation. We'd like to move, but we can't without jobs lined up elsewhere. Yeah, we both work close to 30 hours a week on average. We've both been looking for either full time or other part time jobs. In my field, there are telecommuting opportunities. Had an interview for one last week, but unfortunately they went with another applicant. Although I would have felt bad taking it and then quitting when I find something full time. Easier for MCF since he works nights, but harder for me since I work a 9-5 type job and my current employer is very strict on not altering my schedule to accommodate a second job...even though the type of work I do can be done any time of day or even at home. I have a lead for a full time position coming up...3rd interview and hoping for the best!

 

I can see how so many factors work to create this situation.

That is tough.

 

Good luck with the 3rd interview.

crossing my fingers for you.