Abused by a sociopath

[edgygirl]

I posted this thread in the dating section as I didn't realize there was an Abuse forum on LS.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/412010-dating-sociopath

 

I should have posted it here as obviously people who are browsing this forum understand better emotional abuse. I am surprised by how I got slammed there and treated as if I was an ultra naive person who fell for a jerk and I was also slammed for even considering saying someone has a mental disorder.

 

I guess people who haven't been through abuse can't understand the dynamics. In any case I am glad I found this forum and would love to hear some advice on how to get over the shame and how to be able to date again and trust people again while dating.

[Emilia]

I've read through the thread but can't see anything that I would call abuse. I think what would be helpful is - as Skid Mark suggested - if you worked out what attracted you to dysfunctional relationships and what made you stay. In my opinion you would be better off if you took responsibility for your actions rather than played the vicitm.

 

And this is coming from someone who got caught up in the codependent cycle for many years.

[edgygirl]

I've read through the thread but can't see anything that I would call abuse. I think what would be helpful is - as Skid Mark suggested - if you worked out what attracted you to dysfunctional relationships and what made you stay. In my opinion you would be better off if you took responsibility for your actions rather than played the vicitm.

 

And this is coming from someone who got caught up in the codependent cycle for many years.

 

Apparently you haven't read everything. I said I was not comfortable with describing all the things this guy did to me so it's obvious I didn't describe his emotional abuse to me, and I won't - because I don't comfortable doing it. Can you respect that? I hoped, being a poster here for quit some time, that I could be given more credit for what I'm saying and didn't have to "prove" it?

 

Do I sound that idiotic to be discredited like this? Wow.

 

I do not "attract dysfunctional relationships" constantly (not sure where you got this from), and I am not "playing the victim". I am surprised you are saying these things as I usually read your posts and agree with the things you say. Are you a buddy of SG by any chance? I can't see another explanation as this response was weird.

[Emilia]

Apparently you haven't read everything. I said I was not comfortable with describing all the things you did to me so it's obvious I didn't describe his emotional abuse to me, and I won't because I don't comfortable doing it. I hoped, being a poster here for quit a long time, that I could be given more credit for what I'm saying. Do I sound that idiotic to be discredited like this? Wow.

Posts are made in response to what you post. People should not 'assume' anything, why would they? It's not anyone's job to read your mind, it isn't possible and it isn't responsible either. 'Abuse' is a strong word, it should not be assumed lightly.

I do not "attract dysfunctional relationships" constantly (not sure where you got this from), and I am not "playing the victim". I am surprised you are saying these things as I usually read your posts and agree with the things you say. Are you a buddy of SG by any chance? I can't see another explanation as this response was weird.

The only thing I can see from your posts is that you are very quick to blame other people. While it is natural to disagree, if you keep playing the victim you will remain to be so.

[Els]

Um... it's hard to talk about emotional abuse, if you're not going to talk about the crux of the abuse, IMO. Your first post on that thread centered a lot on him playing you, so it does stand to reason that people would infer that that was the main point of your complaint. Which, while being wrong in its own right, does not correlate to abuse.

 

Aside from that, going solely off what you've said, I think a key to learning to trust again, is to paradoxically not give someone all your trust until they've earned it. Give it time, and be wary of 'rushers' like the guy in your thread.

[edgygirl]

I'm not sure why instead of answering my question on how to get over a traumatic experience, some people feel the need to analyze if I am the crazy one and what I've been through and if I am distorting the truth. I came here to ask for guidance, not to have my perception judged by strangers who don't know what happened to me.

 

I asked about the future, and people feel the need to talk about the past and make me relive the trauma.

 

Is that how you treat someone who went through a traumatic experience? Wow.

[edgygirl]

Posts are made in response to what you post. People should not 'assume' anything, why would they? It's not anyone's job to read your mind, it isn't possible and it isn't responsible either. 'Abuse' is a strong word, it should not be assumed lightly.

 

The only thing I can see from your posts is that you are very quick to blame other people. While it is natural to disagree, if you keep playing the victim you will remain to be so.

 

Why can't you give me credit for what I went through and take my word? Why do I have to explain in details what happened when all I asked was about the FUTURE?

 

No I am not quick to blame other people. I just don't understand your reaction as I said above.

[Emilia]

Nobody is saying you are 'crazy'. Whenever people post about mistreatment, one of the main issues discussed is why they stayed in the relationship and why they are attracted to dysfunction. As I said before, if you don't take responsibility for your contribution to your fate, you will keep falling into the same well over and over again.

 

It's hard to get more specific without details.

[Emilia]

Why can't you give me credit for what I went through and take my word? Why do I have to explain in details what happened when all I asked was about the FUTURE?

 

No I am not quick to blame other people. I just don't understand your reaction as I said above.

What I've just posted. There is no generic advice.

 

Otherwise I can tell you the usual: 'there there it will be ok'; 'there is plenty of fish in the sea'; etc etc

[edgygirl]

Um... it's hard to talk about emotional abuse, if you're not going to talk about the crux of the abuse, IMO. Your first post on that thread centered a lot on him playing you, so it does stand to reason that people would infer that that was the main point of your complaint. Which, while being wrong in its own right, does not correlate to abuse.

 

Aside from that, going solely off what you've said, I think a key to learning to trust again, is to paradoxically not give someone all your trust until they've earned it. Give it time, and be wary of 'rushers' like the guy in your thread.

 

Thank you Elswyth. I sincerely don't see any problem in me not wanting to share the whole nastiness but I get your point on why people want to know what happened to better guide me. Unfortunately I don't feel like sharing it so I understand why some of you won't feel the urge to give me advice and that's okay, but no need for others to discredit my feelings and what I've been through, I think.

 

I agree with your trust point - that's what I intend to do. Thank you, that's the kind of advice I came to search for. I don't see why people have the need to judge what I said and treat it as if it's all "in my head".

[edgygirl]

What I've just posted. There is no generic advice.

 

Otherwise I can tell you the usual: 'there there it will be ok'; 'there is plenty of fish in the sea'; etc etc

 

Not true. I gave enough info to be able to get some advice. Elswyth just gave me constructive advice, it should not be that hard to do if one has good will, should it?

 

I don't need these cliches you mentioned. I came here to vent out and understand how to move on. Please don't offend my intelligence.

[Emilia]

Not true. I gave enough info to be able to get some advice. Elswyth just gave me constructive advice, it should not be that hard to do if one has good will, should it?

 

I don't need these cliches you mentioned. I came here to vent out and understand how to move on. Please don't offend my intelligence.

Well - no disrespect to Els - what she gave you was pretty cliched advice. However I am happy that such a simple line fixes your problems. Good luck I guess.

[edgygirl]

Nobody is saying you are 'crazy'. Whenever people post about mistreatment, one of the main issues discussed is why they stayed in the relationship and why they are attracted to dysfunction. As I said before, if you don't take responsibility for your contribution to your fate, you will keep falling into the same well over and over again.

 

It's hard to get more specific without details.

 

Excuse me? Did I "stay in the relationship"? LOL. It was a 3 month relationship and it didn't last because I did not stay in the relationship. I am not one of those mistreated people that stay with someone who is abusing me. I am not attracted to dysfunction, as I clearly ended it!

 

I don't see how I contributed to what happened, I was dating normally until I noticed it was a bad deal and got away. My only mistake was to believe I would not get pregnant so fast, and I own this mistake.

[edgygirl]

Well - no disrespect to Els - what she gave you was pretty cliched advice. However I am happy that such a simple line fixes your problems. Good luck I guess.

 

It did not fix my problem, again you are offending my intelligence. But at least she didn't come here to offend me and tried to be helpful - which I can't say about those who are trying to discredit my statements.

[Emilia]

It did not fix my problem, again you are offending my intelligence. But at least she didn't come here to offend me and tried to be helpful - which I can't say about those who are trying to discredit my statements.

So it did not fix your problem.

 

But you don't want to discuss what the problem is.

 

People who try to draw it out of you are apparently contributing to the issue.

 

Excuse me but what is the point of this thread?

[edgygirl]

So it did not fix your problem.

 

But you don't want to discuss what the problem is.

 

People who try to draw it out of you are apparently contributing to the issue.

 

Excuse me but what is the point of this thread?

 

I said several times what my problem is. To trust people again after a traumatic experience. If you feel that not knowing exactly what happened is making you unable to contribute, feel free to not contribute. No need to come here and discredit me.

[Emilia]

I said several times what my problem is. To trust people again after a traumatic experience. If you feel that not knowing exactly what happened is making you unable to contribute, feel free to not contribute. No need to come here and discredit me.

I'm not discrediting you but it is true that I cannot give you advice beyond generic cliche that will not help you.

 

Very often the reason why people end up with traumatic experiences is illustrated within the experience itself. People are drawn to certain types of behaviour and relationships partly because of what they observed at home growing up. You don't end up in dysfunctional relationships by accident. You don't get drawn to certain types of men by accident. Which is why generic advice doesn't help, it needs to be tailored to your circumstances.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

[xxoo]

Ultimately, the only person you can control is you. What was the first sign that you missed? When your gut was saying to slow down, why didn't you listen?

 

I suspect you acted out of fear of missing a chance for the baby and family. Fear can lead to bad decision making.

[edgygirl]

Ultimately, the only person you can control is you. What was the first sign that you missed? When your gut was saying to slow down, why didn't you listen?

 

I suspect you acted out of fear of missing a chance for the baby and family. Fear can lead to bad decision making.

 

Thank you xxoo - your posts are always on point.

 

You got it right, that's probably exactly what happened. I put emphasis on the good things I saw in him, as he was offering what I was looking for. And I tried to rationalize the things that seemed like red flags, the rushing, etc. I own this mistake and am certainly trying to learn from it.

 

I should have listened to my gut, but as my therapist said (after it happened, I wasn't seeing her during the fact), in mine (and his age) it makes sense to want a family, and it wouldn't be so strange to have a more rushed relationship if you feel you found a suitable match.

 

In any case, I promised myself I won't go this fast again, even if it looks like a somewhat suitable match. I am trying to relax and not letting my fear rule again.

[SoleMate]

On learning to trust again, I would say, Go slow, Meet family and friends of your prospective bf early on, and look strongly at actions, not words.

 

I also have other advice to give you and I am going to try hard to make it as helpful to you as I can. Often on LS, people come asking a nominal question with some powerful assertions or assumptions in it, and there will be responses that instead of answering the nominal question, address the assumptions and assertions and probe them for truth. This has to be done carefully and is also really important. For advice to be useful, it has to address the real issues facing the OP and sometimes a responder suspects that they are quite different from what's been claimed. The more an OP can stay open to such differential and questioning input, the more chance she/he has to really discover and address her/his issues.

 

I'd also like to address the following:

 

Emilia said:

I've read through the thread but can't see anything that I would call abuse.

 

Then edgygirl said:

Do I sound that idiotic to be discredited like this?

 

I haven't read your other threads, so just based on the above, your response was extreme. A person expressing her opinion is not "discrediting" you, she is merely "disagreeing" with you. And in fact:

 

edgygirl said:

I said I was not comfortable with describing all the things this guy did to me so it's obvious I didn't describe his emotional abuse to me, and I won't

so it would appear that you and Emilia agree perfectly that you have not described abuse. You have instead described other actions as if offering evidence of your conclusions.

 

How about next time, if you're not willing to describe your experiences, don't offer any evidence and just offer conclusions instead?

 

How can we best help you, Emilia? The advice for recovering from entanglement with a sociopath is different from just the ordinary "avoid players" and "look for actions over words". How can we make sure you get the advice that truly suits your situation?

[edgygirl]

On learning to trust again, I would say, Go slow, Meet family and friends of your prospective bf early on, and look strongly at actions, not words.

 

I also have other advice to give you and I am going to try hard to make it as helpful to you as I can. Often on LS, people come asking a nominal question with some powerful assertions or assumptions in it, and there will be responses that instead of answering the nominal question, address the assumptions and assertions and probe them for truth. This has to be done carefully and is also really important. For advice to be useful, it has to address the real issues facing the OP and sometimes a responder suspects that they are quite different from what's been claimed. The more an OP can stay open to such differential and questioning input, the more chance she/he has to really discover and address her/his issues.

 

I'd also like to address the following:

 

Emilia said:

 

Then edgygirl said:

 

I haven't read your other threads, so just based on the above, your response was extreme. A person expressing her opinion is not "discrediting" you, she is merely "disagreeing" with you. And in fact:

 

edgygirl said: so it would appear that you and Emilia agree perfectly that you have not described abuse. You have instead described other actions as if offering evidence of your conclusions.

 

How about next time, if you're not willing to describe your experiences, don't offer any evidence and just offer conclusions instead?

 

How can we best help you, Emilia? The advice for recovering from entanglement with a sociopath is different from just the ordinary "avoid players" and "look for actions over words". How can we make sure you get the advice that truly suits your situation?

 

Thanks for the wonderful response I appreciate it.

 

I know about all the posters who invent stuff to justify their actions but believe me that's not the case here. I LOVE learning from my mistakes. The only mistake I did was to try to trust someone until they proved otherwise and as xxoo said, to give in to my fear.

 

I understand why what I said to Emilia sounds like an attack, but it's because you haven't read my other posts and my other thread. I've been bombarded with doubt, instead of being offered constructive advice and I feel really offended that I'm being discredited and that people are judging what I'm stating instead of answering my question.

 

Do I have to describe abuse? Why can't I just state I was abused emotionally? You gave me the kind of answer I'm looking for in your first paragraph without discrediting me. As I said, it shouldn't be that hard should it?

 

"The advice for recovering from entanglement with a sociopath is different from just the ordinary "avoid players" and "look for actions over words". " Exactly. And that's why it's so offensive that people imply that I was merely played by a jerk. It was NOT the case. He is not a player at all. I'm not sure why some people can't take my word at face value and question my judgement.

[SoleMate]

I noticed your heading "Abused by a sociopath". Those are two powerful conclusions right there and naturally attract questions about how reality-based those claims are. Is it very important to you to claim that you definitely were abused by an undoubted sociopath?

 

If it helps, I browsed your other thread and I noticed that the individual in question badgered you daily to become pregnant, came on really strong, promised financial support during your pregnancy and then reneged and you chose abortion. That is definitely very bad behavior on his part and shows he is cruel and dishonest, has poor judgment, and chooses not to conform to social norms. Nobody has defended his behavior or him at all. I just see a lot of questioning of the label "sociopath".

 

What if you asked for support by saying, "I just got out of a relationship with a man who treated me very badly and behaved bizarrely and I am feeling like I need advice on how to get over the shame and how to be able to date again and trust people again while dating?" That question supports your reality and it will tend to focus responders on the real question. Please consider it.

[Mint Sauce]

EdgyGirl,

 

If I understand the Goth subculture a bit, you are probably a very romantic person (not per se in the practical sense, but in your views on love, good, and evil), and so is he. A head-over-heels investment in a new love fits well within that context. Reality is that that also comes with an increased risk of pain.

 

Many adults loose their romantic views on love due to disappointing events such as this. Some others choose to cultivate the pain, which is the "romantic" way to deal with the trauma.

 

In any case, the fact that you can diagnose him as a sociopath evidently helps you at least to cut your ties with him. The fact that you seek professional help also indicates that you don't take your romantic views too far.

 

So I'd say: you're dealing with this in a healthy manner. Keep talking to your counsellor, and try not to cultivate a cynical attitude towards men. Most of us are sound

[Radu]

Thank you xxoo - your posts are always on point.

 

You got it right, that's probably exactly what happened. I put emphasis on the good things I saw in him, as he was offering what I was looking for. And I tried to rationalize the things that seemed like red flags, the rushing, etc. I own this mistake and am certainly trying to learn from it.

Everything that xxoo said, is what emilia and SG have said.

And i agree with it.

 

The only one you can change in the end is yourself, the only one you can make responsible is yourself because you cannot control them or their actions.

 

I should have listened to my gut, but as my therapist said (after it happened, I wasn't seeing her during the fact), in mine (and his age) it makes sense to want a family, and it wouldn't be so strange to have a more rushed relationship if you feel you found a suitable match.

 

In any case, I promised myself I won't go this fast again, even if it looks like a somewhat suitable match. I am trying to relax and not letting my fear rule again.

Rushed relationship is subjective, don't you think ?

It's one thing to rush a relationship from 3yrs to half or a third of that.

But in this case if i'm reading right, it was 3 months.

 

I read the other thread, i don't really like your therapist OP.

It seems to me that it is the kind of therapist that tries to build up the ego, and not the kind who tries to help you ask 'why' ?

Building up the ego is good short term, but it's like putting a band-aid over a wound, that will continue to get infected.

It's better to treat the wound first, or at least investigate it.

[Imajerk17]

I said several times what my problem is. To trust people again after a traumatic experience. If you feel that not knowing exactly what happened is making you unable to contribute, feel free to not contribute. No need to come here and discredit me.

 

You would do yourself better in all fronts if you would take responsibility for your decision-making first.

 

(1) It's a horrible idea to quit your job because someone you knew only knew 2 months told you to do so. Unless perhaps in the case where you are married. Perhaps.

 

(2) It's a horrible idea to get pregnant because someone you knew only knew 2 months told you to do so. Unless perhaps in the case where you are married. Perhaps.

 

 

 

I thought everyone over a certain age already knew this? But I digress... As far as calling this guy a "sociopath" this guy's boundaries seem about as bad as yours--he insisted these things and you went along with them. Hopefully you and your therapist are exploring (1) and (2) above, and grieving your abortion. If you have more solid boundaries you won't run nearly the risk of someone having so much power over you who doesn't deserve it.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Imajerk17