Abused by a sociopath

[edgygirl]

I noticed your heading "Abused by a sociopath". Those are two powerful conclusions right there and naturally attract questions about how reality-based those claims are. Is it very important to you to claim that you definitely were abused by an undoubted sociopath?

 

If it helps, I browsed your other thread and I noticed that the individual in question badgered you daily to become pregnant, came on really strong, promised financial support during your pregnancy and then reneged and you chose abortion. That is definitely very bad behavior on his part and shows he is cruel and dishonest, has poor judgment, and chooses not to conform to social norms. Nobody has defended his behavior or him at all. I just see a lot of questioning of the label "sociopath".

 

What if you asked for support by saying, "I just got out of a relationship with a man who treated me very badly and behaved bizarrely and I am feeling like I need advice on how to get over the shame and how to be able to date again and trust people again while dating?" That question supports your reality and it will tend to focus responders on the real question. Please consider it.

 

Hey Solemate, I appreciate your point of view. No it is not in the least important to me how this guy is defined, and that's why I don't get why some people feel outraged that I framed him in a box. I only did name him that to make it more clear to those familiar with personality disorders the type of traits this guy has.

 

Honestly the way I see this guy doesn't really matter and the need for me to post in a certain way as you're implying says more about certain people on this forum than about myself. Why would I have to disguise how I see things? Just so some nutsos here who woke up in a bad mood don't pick on me? I believe people should reach for their conscience and see how they treat others in this forum.

 

(Thankfully) Several mean posts in my other thread were deleted this morning before you had the chance to browse it, so you missed the worst posts and will probably not understand what built the momentum to come here and act defensive.

[edgygirl]

EdgyGirl,

 

If I understand the Goth subculture a bit, you are probably a very romantic person (not per se in the practical sense, but in your views on love, good, and evil), and so is he. A head-over-heels investment in a new love fits well within that context. Reality is that that also comes with an increased risk of pain.

 

Many adults loose their romantic views on love due to disappointing events such as this. Some others choose to cultivate the pain, which is the "romantic" way to deal with the trauma.

 

In any case, the fact that you can diagnose him as a sociopath evidently helps you at least to cut your ties with him. The fact that you seek professional help also indicates that you don't take your romantic views too far.

 

So I'd say: you're dealing with this in a healthy manner. Keep talking to your counsellor, and try not to cultivate a cynical attitude towards men. Most of us are sound

 

Thank you Mint Sauce Yes I would say people in this subculture can be a little more impulsive and romantic than usual. But thankfully I have learned to detach from bad situations when they become clear. I am actually in a fairly good place compared to a heartbreak I had in the past. I feel stronger than before and am trying not to lose perspective or become bitter. Thanks for the support!

[edgygirl]

Everything that xxoo said, is what emilia and SG have said.

And i agree with it.

 

The only one you can change in the end is yourself, the only one you can make responsible is yourself because you cannot control them or their actions.

 

 

Rushed relationship is subjective, don't you think ?

It's one thing to rush a relationship from 3yrs to half or a third of that.

But in this case if i'm reading right, it was 3 months.

 

I read the other thread, i don't really like your therapist OP.

It seems to me that it is the kind of therapist that tries to build up the ego, and not the kind who tries to help you ask 'why' ?

Building up the ego is good short term, but it's like putting a band-aid over a wound, that will continue to get infected.

It's better to treat the wound first, or at least investigate it.

 

Radu! I missed you!

 

Hmm I think what xxoo said is extremely different than what others you mentioned wrote. But I won't go into that.

 

Yes it was too rushed and I regret not following my guts telling me to slow down.

 

But the thing is, Radu, what matters in this story is not what this guy is or isn't, I am not sure why it's so important to discuss it. As for me, call him whatever you like - biggest jerk ever instead of sociopath? Cool. The question is: what is your advice to me on how to move on in a healthy way that won't damage my future relationships? Does it matter if he was a sociopath or a jerk? I don't think so. But people keep focusing on this instead of helping. Why? Good question.

 

The truth is that only people who have dealt with people affected by personality disorders can get what it's like. I mean it. I wouldn't know what it infers before this episode, and I might have been cynical about it as some people here hadn't I experienced things first hand.

[edgygirl]

1. You should read all posts. I said - I didn't quit my job. My company closed the office in my city and I had to look for another job, which I unfortunately didn't because of things that were agreed btw us. Bad decision. Lesson learned.

 

2. I didn't get prego because he told me to... lol. I didn't even think I could get pregnant and if I did it would take a long time as most people. He said let's go to city hall and get married but for personal reasons I could not get married just yet and told him to wait. Why would a piece of paper make such a difference? He would have to pay child support anyway if I decided to keep it.

 

I agree that I should work on my boundaries though. I foolishly kind of enjoyed that he seemed like a strong man that takes charge as I'm tired of meeting weak losers which seems to be the norm these days.

 

You would do yourself better in all fronts if you would take responsibility for your decision-making first.

 

(1) It's a horrible idea to quit your job because someone you knew only knew 2 months told you to do so. Unless perhaps in the case where you are married. Perhaps.

 

(2) It's a horrible idea to get pregnant because someone you knew only knew 2 months told you to do so. Unless perhaps in the case where you are married. Perhaps.

 

 

 

I thought everyone over a certain age already knew this? But I digress... As far as calling this guy a "sociopath" this guy's boundaries seem about as bad as yours--he insisted these things and you went along with them. Hopefully you and your therapist are exploring (1) and (2) above, and grieving your abortion. If you have more solid boundaries you won't run nearly the risk of someone having so much power over you who doesn't deserve it.

[Imajerk17]

I think if you had posed your threads in the context of 'I made some huge mistakes and I feel terrible how do I move on?' you would have gotten far more helpful responses. It hardly seemed that you even acknowledge that your judgement was so bad or that (yes I'm bringing this up again) you even feel guilt over the abortion. It's all about what this guy did in your posts--whether or not you really care whether he is a sociopath or not. It's probably why others were seeing red and you are getting slammed so much.

 

EDIT: A marriage would have at least made this guy accountable to his family and friends for doing right by you. It's no guarantee by any means but it would have given you more security. You also would have known a lot more about his intentions merely by waiting the few extra months until after your wedding.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Imajerk17

[edgygirl]

I think if you had posed your threads in the context of 'I made some huge mistakes and I feel terrible how do I move on?' you would have gotten far more helpful responses. It hardly seemed that you even acknowledge that your judgement was so bad or that (yes I'm bringing this up again) you even feel guilt over the abortion. It's all about what this guy did in your posts--whether or not you really care whether he is a sociopath or not. It's probably why others were seeing red and you are getting slammed so much.

 

EDIT: A marriage would have at least made this guy accountable to his family and friends for doing right by you. It's no guarantee by any means but it would have given you more security. You also would have known a lot more about his intentions merely by waiting the few extra months until after your wedding.

 

'I made some huge mistakes and I feel terrible how do I move on?' I honestly don't see how this would make my question more or less credible, and I don't see it this way. I think this behavior would be what I call "playing a victim".

 

I am not sure if you remember old posts of mine, but I have no shame in admitting when I do stupid things. Not at all. I like to admit whenever it happens so I can learn from my mistakes. That's the only reason to be at LS. I don't want to be some know it all or to disguise as something I'm not.

 

I disagree that I don't own my part for rushing when I shouldn't have. I admitted it several times in my posts here. The only thing I asked was for constructive advice and I don't see why people insist in slamming my judgement when I already did it MYSELF. My judgement was as bad as the facts that were presented to me. Would you say all victims of Madoff had bad judgement? When things are presented in a certain light, and these guys know very well how to disguise the flaws, people can certainly make bad judgements. The ONLY possible way to avoid it is giving it time, which I acknowledge I didn't. And I own this mistake. What else exactly do you want me to own? I was a decent human being with this guy, as I always am. Yes, he was the evil one, I truly believe that although most likely it is not his fault as it's part of a mental problem he can't control.

 

You might be right re: the wedding. But looking back I am SO glad it didn't happen Guess my gut feeling prevented me from doing at least one bad thing.

Edited July 29, 2013 by edgygirl