Getting over something that happened during break up

[Icarus26]

Boyfriend and I are both 20 and we went on a break for a week then broke up officially a week ago. The break up was as odd situation as we both just felt that maybe we needed to experience being single and experience other people since we got together so young. So we were properly broken up, no strings or rules, but yesterday we decided to get back together.

 

I was very happy, we agreed on a lot of things that we would change about the relationship to try and make it better etc so everything is great then he tells me he went out and made out with a girl the day after we broke up. He was drunk and it was a short club hook up session, they did nothing else, she left after they had hooked up. He regrets doing it now as it only made him feel worse, and if he knew we were going to be back together this soon he wouldn't have done it.

 

I can't help feeling physically ill thinking about it. We were broken up so obviously he did nothing wrong at all and if he hasn't of talked to me I would have been doing the same thing this weekend! So why does it hurt so goddamn much Why does it feel like a betrayal when it wasn't? I feel that maybe if I had done the same I wouldn't feel so bad because then we would have both done it and it could be forgotten. I know this isn't a huge deal (it could have been much worse) and it's something I can get over, but I'd really appreciate some words (even if they're about how I'm being stupid!) to help me get through this quickly, I would be so happy about everything right now if it weren't for this stupid detail that keeps popping its way into my head

[oranje]

This happened to me once, and they even had sex. But you know, you have to try to forgive him if you want to give the relationship a chance. You should be glad that he trusted you and told you this even if it didn't go any further, because it means he cares about you.

[Icarus26]

Thank you for replying. I know this something I have to get over myself but words like yours help me to feel better.

 

I need to keep telling myself that he obviously cares, he regrets it and feels like an ass for hurting me...but it's not his fault. I could have been out doing the same for all he knew. My mind always goes on overdrive and I over think and imagine every detail, logically I'm fine with the situation...but my mind and emotions keep getting the better of me!

[Icarus26]

Also were you able to move on from it and have a healthy relationship? I'm grateful that it was only kissing and nothing more, but I was already a jealous and insecure person before all this so I'm not doing so good. But I know I definitely don't want something like this to ruin our relationship so hoping that'll be enough to help me get through it.

[oranje]

Thank you for replying. I know this something I have to get over myself but words like yours help me to feel better.

 

I need to keep telling myself that he obviously cares, he regrets it and feels like an ass for hurting me...but it's not his fault. I could have been out doing the same for all he knew. My mind always goes on overdrive and I over think and imagine every detail, logically I'm fine with the situation...but my mind and emotions keep getting the better of me!

It's so true that you could have done the same, but the fact that he didn't go any further means he probably still had feelings for you, drunk or not. You're only hurting yourself by imagining what happened, you should just let it go. It's self-torment otherwise.

 

 

Also were you able to move on from it and have a healthy relationship? I'm grateful that it was only kissing and nothing more, but I was already a jealous and insecure person before all this so I'm not doing so good. But I know I definitely don't want something like this to ruin our relationship so hoping that'll be enough to help me get through it.

No, but this was due to the unhealthy relationship we had from the beginning (jealousy, always arguing, he was selfish etc). I was never able to move on from it and just kept imagining what happened, just like you do. Thinking about it made it worse and he noticed that I was sad, crying sometimes when he was asleep. We broke up weeks later.

 

I was also very jealous and insecure to begin with and that's a thing we both have to work with because it's a ticking bomb. You might end up losing him if you're too jealous. Do you also suffer from very low self-esteem?

[Icarus26]

Yep and he said even if she had offered or whatever he wouldn't have gone any further than kissing, I know he was just being a boy and trying to get his mind off me and being sad. He said it only made him feel worse though. Your words have already helped and I'm feeling a bit better, I just need to let it go I think and try to not imagine things.

 

Aw I really feel for you, I would not have been able to continue if he had done more than kissing. Yes I am insecure, I think due to past cheating relationships and just my satisfaction with myself. Definitely working on it! He also didn't notice 50% of the time when I was jealous because I'm good at hiding it when I know I'm being stupid. Trying to work on it though, it's hard but this break has shown me that I don't need to rely on him for my happiness and that I can be happy single and happy with me

[Ninjainpajamas]

He doesn't regret it, you're just being a big baby about it and making him feel bad and guilty for something you both agreed upon doing...I mean let's be serious, a day after your took your "break", guys take breaks for a reason just so you know...if this was manipulated by him and you didn't feel the same way but were convinced.

 

If you're crying about him kissing another girl, he will never ever tell you he did anything more than that...that's already enough drama and headache, so the fact that you can't even take that tid-bit of honest information he'll hide anything or cover it up if there was something else going on.

 

This is really about your insecurity and you have to right to fear cheating, you both are only 20...shouldn't even be in a relationship really, but that's the choice you're both making and hopefully he sticks to his commitment and remains faithful...but he's young, real young for a relationship and your insecurity is already high so this sounds like a potential disaster, he'll either do something or you'll sabotage the relationship with your insecurity...your insecurity will just make things worse and cause problems where there isn't any which will put him off.

 

It hurts you because you can't imagine him being with another woman and you feel like this is a direct violation of how he feels for you...which honestly you have a point, he blames it on being drunk but you have to realize he's going to tell you whatever it takes to make you satisfied so you don't bug the living crap about him...I'm sure you're already being a pest and confirming how he feels for you every 10 mins and going over details you've already been over about this past.

 

The wise choice would be to be honest with yourself and decide whether you need to work on your issues alone, because you really shouldn't expect this to get better in your relationship. But if you want to give this "relationship a chance" , then go for it, but don't expect this to go away...without working through your issues in the past and with insecurity your partner takes on the burden of your issues...that's just the way it works.

[Philosoraptor]

You either accept what happened or you don't. If you choose the former, you move past it and can find happiness together. If you choose the latter, you obsess over it, end things, and find happiness apart.

 

Not much else to it. You were both single and he made the choice to kiss someone.

[Destromarch]

I kinda feel the same way and that's why I haven't got intimate with any girl since we broke up with my ex girlfriend almost 2 months ago. Yeah it's probably clinging to the hope but who cares. If the unexpected happens someday, I don't want a stupid fling to create a problem for us. Because I know it would be a problem for her and also for me.For some reasons, call me old fashioned but doing something too soon kinda feels like defiling the memories of your ex.

 

But on the other hand, look at the bright side. You have done the hardest thing. You guys are back together. I think this minor problem can be negligible.

[lula69]

I can't help feeling physically ill thinking about it. We were broken up so obviously he did nothing wrong at all and if he hasn't of talked to me I would have been doing the same thing this weekend! So why does it hurt so goddamn much Why does it feel like a betrayal when it wasn't? I feel that maybe if I had done the same I wouldn't feel so bad because then we would have both done it and it could be forgotten. I know this isn't a huge deal (it could have been much worse) and it's something I can get over, but I'd really appreciate some words (even if they're about how I'm being stupid!) to help me get through this quickly, I would be so happy about everything right now if it weren't for this stupid detail that keeps popping its way into my head :

It is worth looking it, but the answer can only lie in yourself, because it is a question about you.

 

Perhaps you have such a hard time with that because you envy him. That he got to do it and you didn't? There is a lot of competitiveness and anger and jealousy in relationships between man and woman, unfortunately. People say they love each other, but are most unkind. Try to let go of that. It's not about who gets the better perks.

 

Also, do not for a moment believe that men cheat and women don't or that it is beyond you. Do not see yourself as a victim.

[Tinie]

I agree with the pj ninja.

 

You are insecure. He kissed that girl when you weren't together. If that bothers you so much, break up with him and don't get back together. If not, swallow the damn pill and move on. You can't go back to the past and rewrite it.

[Sanctionne]

If you want to be w/him then you need to forgive him and get over it. Otherwise your relationship is doomed! trust me, I speak from experience. However, my ex slept w/someone else. Big difference and that I could not handle. In addition, he was a jerk so no big loss on my part