marriageandunhappy Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Hi! I'm new! Just wanted to get some advice from both women and men about my marriage. I've been married for 2 1/2 years now and I hate to say it, but I want a divorce. I have talked and cried oh so many times with him, but still no change. My husband for one is a procrastinator; everything that needs to be done gets done tomorrow. Well, tomorrow never comes, so I end up doing it, whether it's paying the bills, fixing something around the house, spending time with me and the kids, anything basically. He spends most of his time sleep, playing video games with his son and oh did I say sleep? He works, but we don't see the fruits of his labor. We were 3 months behind in our mortgage payments, about to lose our home, but thankfully the mortgage company offered to add the 3 months to the end of our mortgage. So all he had to do is pay the next months mortgage. Do you know we are now 2 going on 3 months behind again. I'm just at the point were I don't care. I don't know were his money is going because all I get is money for food and that's when we are down to one box of or non of anything left. He works in sales and say that he hasn't made that many sales, but I've seen his pay stubs. All I ask is that he does his part. I do my part. He pays the mortgage and I pay the electric, phone, day care, insurance, HOA, and a car note, which is well over what he's suppose to pay. My mother told me as a little girl that the husband is suppose to take care of the wife and kids! He's suppose to be the head of the household, the king of the castle. My husband is none of that! I take of all the car needs; oil changes, etc., I'm Mrs. Fix-it. I'm tired! Somebody help! Link to post Share on other sites
neptoon Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 What our mothers have told us when we were little girls changes. My mother used to tell me that all the time...that it's the man's responsibility to take care of the family. The truth is, you ought to look after yourself and your kids (if there are any). Always have the potential to be self-sustaining -- don't rely on any man to put food on the table, pay the rent, etc. It's nice when they can put in their share but when they can't or when they become abusive, it's nice to have your own income and be able to walk away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucia Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Yes, he has to pay, for everything, not just mortgage, he should put all his money on the table, it belongs to the family, not only him, your mother was right. I wouldn't get involved with this type of a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 It sounds like you're doing it all yourself anyway, so what would be the significant difference if you didn't have to 'dust around him' anymore! I jest. Seriously though, you are doing more that your fair share. My husband went through a long period where he spent all his time sleeping and 'vegging'. He was clinically depressed, and responded well to medication and therapy. Why don't you have him see the doctor before you kick-him-to-the-curb? If he won't go, or won't answer the doctor's questions with honesty, then you might consider giving him 'the ultimatum'. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 marriage, i agree that it sounds like you're doing more than your fair share but i think LJ has a good idea about getting him to a Dr. before you make any drastic decisions. he never says where his paycheck disappears to? that just strikes me as.... odd to say the least. as for what mom's say, i'm one and hope my kids remember some of my words of "wisdom" as soon as i figure out what they are, but please... you need to take care of yourself!! my mom's words of wisdom to me were that sex was awful and yucky.... like i believed that one! do what you need to do to give yourself and kids(?) a stable place to live where you won't have to worry as much about mortgage payments and stuff. if you can't work things out with him then figure things out without him but take care of YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
minky Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 His life is work, video games and chewing tobacco. It's like it's us and him - not a family. I took charge a few years ago, and I handle all the money now - or else it'd be the same situation as yours. I'm sick of Mr. Baby myself, and have decided to leave - it's just a matter of when. I'm not going to say a word to him. I'm going to get all outstanding bills paid first and save some money, rent a storage space, and gradually move stuff out so that I can have clear sailing. We have no major assets between us, no house, etc..., and I have 7 years to go til my oldest son is 18. It will take me at least 10 months to get all bills paid up, not sure how long it'll take to set aside some money. Anyway, I have been trying for 12 years to make my marriage work, and I can guarantee, I never want to get married again once this is over with! Link to post Share on other sites
2KindKay Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 The old saying of the man being responsible for supporting the family just isn't the case any more. With the price of everything going up both the man and woman must work. From the sounds of what you said, your both working, however he's not putting in his half. Is it possible to have his check direct deposited? at least that way you would know how much was there and could handle paying things. If it were me I would demand to know where his money was going (especially if there are kids involved) Sounds to me like he has some growing up to do. I do agree that getting him to the doctor is a good idea. you can wish all you'de like about him changing... until he's ready that won't happen, and like my mother use to say: If wishes were fishes, we'de all have a fry. Link to post Share on other sites
anon2 Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I know it won't solve everything, but here's what you do: 1. get his paycheck automatically deposited in your checking account. 2. set up an automatic mortgage payment once a month. 3. make sure there is money in that account for the payments! Do the same thing with all of your regular bills. Remove this stress from the unsuccessful part of your partnership. Concentrate on fixing the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriageandunhappy Posted November 15, 2004 Author Share Posted November 15, 2004 Thank you all for your advice. I've taken some of your advice and talked to him about seeing a doctor. I schedule 2 appointments that he decided at the last minute that he didn't want to go to. So, my hands are tied. Mortgage was due again on the 10th and they sent him a letter stating that he had to pay September and October. The fool get paid and go buy CD's and spend money on heaven knows what else and tells me that he's $300 short because his job didn't pay him his vacation time. This man must think I'm stupid. Anyway, it's only a matter of time before me and my daughter leave. I feel bad for my step son. He's been with us for about 1 year and if his mom really knew how his dad was, she would have him sent back home. Thanks Again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriageandunhappy Posted November 15, 2004 Author Share Posted November 15, 2004 Oh believe me I've tried to get him to do direct deposit; opened a second checkings account mainly for his deposits and for mortgage. I've called him to remind him to take the check to work and he tells me, oh I won't forget, or I forgot, or when I call him at home he's in the bed (2-3pm). There's always an excuse. I've even sent the check via mail to the hr department, but they won't do anything without his consent. I've tried going into his pockets on payday and taking the money, but he's gotten smart and hides it. Sometimes when I get to his pockets, there's only about $30 dollars in it. I don't know whatelse to do! Link to post Share on other sites
CraigC Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 They're right, they'll need his consent. BTW, they don't need the check to do direct deposit. In DD, the money goes directly into your bank account, and all you get is a stub. Here's a thought if it needs to come down to it: As I understand in some places, since you say you may leave anyway, they will court order him to direct deposit money for child support and stuff. So let him know that now and maybe he'll do the right thing now. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 As I understand in some places, since you say you may leave anyway, they will court order him to direct deposit money for child support and stuff. while i do hope your situation doesn't come to that, yes, craig's right that in many places you can request an automatic transfer of funds from one checking account to another for child support. because my ex is a space cadet and not very financially responsible (plus i think he would have just enjoyed seeing me have to ask every month) i set it up so that the money just automatcally transfers. yes, it still needed his consent but it was written right into our agreement that he would do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts